Tag Archives: Hilary Clinton

The Tale of the Mail

Today’s post comes from 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the State of Minnesota.

Greetings Constituents,

Getting out ahead of the inevitable demands, I’m releasing all my e-mail to the public today.

In terms of the amount of text produced, I’m not nearly as prolific as the former Secretary of State, but I hope I’m in better political shape than she is by being more open more quickly.

Hillary released 55,000 pages. I think I’ve got about 235, total. That’s not a lot, until you start reading them. Then it feels like Moby Dick. Say what you will about the varied talents of politicians. Some have a literary gift, but there’s a reason I kiss babies for a living.

Anyway, anyone who wants to is fully entitled to read through everything I’ve written. I’ve got absolutely nothing to hide, and there are a few things I can’t find in the e-mails that I wish someone would locate for me.

  • The address of my second cousin in Minot. Aunt Sophie sent it to me about two years ago and I thought I put it in the “Relatives” folder but apparently not.
  • My Linked In password. I kept forgetting it so I got cagey and sent it to myself in an e-mail message that had no outward reference to Linked In. That’s the problem.
  • A recipe for making a Crock Pot chicken that looked so good I made a special effort to save it, but now all the chicken recipes I can find look incredibly boring. Was I dreaming?

Seriously, pore through the texts and give a shout if you find anything interesting. The better you know me, the more you’ll realize I’m just an ordinary, good-hearted guy who bumbles along from day to day and struggles to keep track of things.

Maybe not just exactly like you, but close enough for government work.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

Influential critics have demanded you turn over all your correspondence, electronic and otherwise. Will you?

The Mean Girl Strategy

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th district – all the water surface area in the state.

Beechly addresses some "cool" people.
Beechly addresses some “cool” people.

Greetings, Constituents!

I’m enjoying my summer break at home in the 9th district by spending endless hours fishing, swimming, floating around on inner tubes, and thinking about clearing out weeds along the shoreline. I probably won’t do any aquatic plant management though, becuase I always wind up taking a nap once I start to read about it.

One thing I’ve learned about lawmaking is that it gets very, very dreary once you start to read and study the regulations you’re considering. Working out a compromise with other people can get even more complicated! Thinking is hard!

It’s much more fun to just react emotionally to random things you’ve heard. That’s why I’m so excited about this new development in the 2016 Presidential contest, courtesy of Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Party.

He has issued a challenge – if NBC and CNN choose to air some planned and assumed-to-be-complimentary docu-dramas about expected Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, Republicans will refuse to cooperate with them on the broadcast of 2016 presidential debates.

This is smart because in the last election cycle, Presidential Debates were showing signs of getting to be too popular. If you’re like me, you don’t want to get drawn into something that a lot of people look at where you don’t control every detail.

I’m not a Republican (or Democrat), but I want to congratulate Reince on finally getting us to the place where we all want to be – from a capital where people work hard on details and pay lip service to compromise and bi-partisanship, to a Congress where there’s no need to pretend – all the animosity is out in the open and the Mean Girl Strategy can be freely applied.

You may remember the Mean Girl Strategy from Junior High – “Be friends with Hilary if you want, but if we catch you hanging out with her, it’s over between us forever!”

Some people may call this childish and petty, but those people are losers and should be shunned!

This gives us a nice, easy short-cut to our difficult decision making. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how incredibly difficult it is to represent you in the Halls of Congress, but let me be blunt – your flip-floppiness on major issues leaves me wondering, sometimes, what I should do. For example, on the recent events in Egypt I’ve heard from you that we should:

  • Cut off all aid to Egypt’s military
  • Increase aid to Egypt’s military
  • Invade
  • Bomb the pyramids
  • Fund more Walleye farms on the Nile.

Too many options! What am I supposed to do?

When it comes to complicated issues like this, it’s much easier to figure out who we all hate so we can listen to their pronouncements and just be against whatever they say, regardless of the reasoning.

Soon I’ll be going back to Our Nation’s Capital to do the Work You Elected Me To Do – pointing my finger and stomping my foot!  Yes, it’s a difficult assignment, but not nearly as hard as it could be!

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

When the work gets complicated, what’s your favorite short cut?