Today’s post comes from 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the State of Minnesota.

Greetings Constituents,

I’ve been getting calls from 9th Districters who want to know how I stand on the latest political standoff, so I want to take a moment here to say that I am delighted at the way the Fiscal Cliff talks are going!

Think of it. Just these two guys are having a string of private meetings to come to an agreement on a huge deal that profoundly effects everybody else while the rest of us watch and wonder.

It’s like spending the whole month of December standing around in St. Peter’s Square, waiting for a plume of white smoke that means the Cardinals have finally found a compromise, except that in this case the Vatican is more like an ice fishing shack and the guys inside aren’t wearing funny hats, they’re playing poker, drinking beer, smoking cigars, and arguing about whether catching big fish through a hole in the ice is a matter of skill or dumb luck.

I can only guess that before long, the door will open and they’ll flop some smelly fishy carcass onto the snow and tell us it’s a last-minute take-it-or-leave-it kind of deal that is our only hope of saving the economy from another crash onto the scary rocks. That’s Democracy!

Well, not really.

Some of my colleagues say they will examine the deal very carefully and hold it to a set of high standards. But my promise to you is that I will plug my nose and vote for anything that comes out of the shack if it keeps the Ship Of State afloat, no matter how ugly it is, regardless of how brutally it does what it does.

Because people who live in an all-water district know that staying afloat is our highest and best goal. Yes, we 9th Districters understand that sinking feeling on a level that other Americans can only imagine. When you can’t breathe, tax brackets and the safety net are just silly details people talk about.

Actually, I take that back. A safety net is pretty important thing when you can’t breathe.

But my point is this – as your Congressman, I have been relieved of the need to think very hard about this one. All I’ll have to do is react, explain, and probably apologize later.

In fact, let me apologize right now.

“Sorry, constituents, but I felt I had no choice. It was either vote for a flawed deal, or watch the sweet world disappear from view, flailing helplessly against the grasping weeds of Lake Default as they pull us down into the forever darkness!”

But maybe that’s too grim an analogy for you, so let’s think of it instead as the elementary school holiday pageant. The kids are trying their hardest, so remember that your role is to stand in the back of the gym and applaud. Just be grateful. There’s already too much stress in the season to waste time looking for more.

Have a lovely day and a wonderful Christmas, or whatever other holiday you observe! The world isn’t going to end and 2013 will arrive on time, bringing plenty for us to complain about.

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly.

I always appreciate the Congressman’s honesty, even when I don’t quite get his point. But I trust that he is truly telling us what he believes, which is a Very Brave Thing To Do when your thoughts don’t make much sense.

When have you endured a Long Wait?

Today’s post comes from Bart, the bear that found a smart phone in the woods. His offering has been translated from its original language – Ursus Textish.

Yo, Bart here.

Looks like that Mitt Romney’s handlers and hangers-on have all dropped off, leaving him pretty much alone – as alone as a bear in the December woods! So I kinda feel close to him in a way that makes it OK for me to offer some advice.

Mitt, I’ve seen the stories about you going to movies and filling your own car with gas and riding amusement park rides by yourself and scribbling long notes to old friends and staring out the window. The writers of these articles are amazed that you are doing ordinary things. And they can’t help comparing all these dumb time-wasters to what you would be doing if you’d won the election – planning your inauguration and solving the problems of the world.

Yes, you were almost president, but now it’s your picture that comes up when someone googles “pathetic”. Time to get over it.

In my opinion, you need to hibernate.

It’s great therapy and totally natural. We all go through it – some more than others. When the food dries up and the weather turns cold, you get this feeling there’s really nothing to enjoy about being alive.

That’s when a good long sleep can help a guy adjust.

Anyway, “sleep” isn’t really the right word for it – you just become half awake, grumpy and non-responsive, sort of like President Obama in that first debate.

You can afford the time off, Mitt. Just dig a shallow depression in some overlooked corner of one of your estates, and curl up under a bed of leaves and branches. Let the country fly off a fiscal cliff while you drift into a state of torpor.

Nothing you can do or say at this point will make any difference anyway.

And when you do wake up, we’ll still be here. Things will either be worse or not. But in either case, you’ll be OK and you’ll feel a whole lot better – in fact you’ll feel like ripping open a rotting log to see if there are some grubs inside! It’s an entitlement – forest style!

That’s where you want to be! So stop appearing in public. Give them a chance to forget about you.

I predict in three years you’ll be able to re-surface with a fresh haircut and a nice suit and people will think you’re brand new. So why not give it a try? After all, what (else) have you got to lose?

Your Pal,
Bart

Bart makes some good points, but it’s hard to know the mind of a politician. But it does make one think – you’ve just run for president and lost – how do you put that on your resume?

At ease, civilians!

But watch your language when it comes to casual talk about “going over the fiscal cliff”. We Public Safety Enthusiasts are alarmed at the decision by those who frame our discussions this way. To call the upcoming budget deadline a “Fiscal Cliff” does not give enough credit to cliffs!

A real cliff is a very serious thing indeed. Real cliffs don’t discriminate between the rich and the poor. They are not indexed and there are no exemptions. Think of a cliff as the sudden withdrawal of terrestrial support while gravity remain in place and is as vigorous as ever.

Can we survive without earth under our feet? I say no! This is undeniable. Instead, pundits gab with mock seriousness about “going over”.

This kind of talk creates what is widely known as a reverse visioning hazard. We already understand that visioning is a key principle in leading an organization – helping people “see” their future in order to make it happen. The more we envision a thing, like going over a cliff together, the closer it comes to reality.

And what if we DO go over the “cliff”, and it turns out to be Not That Bad? Suddenly, cliffs become part of the everyday lexicon, and “going over” is just something you do every now and then. No big deal? Wrong! Let’s make sure cliffs remain dreadful. We should speak of them in hushed tones, and stay away from every kind – figurative, fiscal, and physical. That’s my advice!

Yours in groundedness,
B.S.O. Rafferty

Have you ever gotten over a useful, protective fear?

Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hey, Mr. C.!

I was thinking of you today in homeroom because Mr. Boozenporn forces us to talk about The News of the Day. Once each week every student in the room is supposed to get up and talk for five minutes about something they heard or read or saw in the media, so just like real journalists (you?), we have to put on our Serious Faces and Pretend We’re Interested.

Anyway, there’s this one kid, Ahmad, who always talks about stuff going on in other countries, and today he started going on about what’s happening in Egypt with the president there. I guess the country’s new leader, Mr. Morsi, just got up one day last week and announced that he’d decided something important about his decisions – that from now until sometime in the future nobody can un-decide him, not even the courts. Ahmad called it a power grab, and believe it or not, something about that just kind of clicked with me and I didn’t have to pretend to be interested anymore.

Because I didn’t know you could do that! That’s awesome!

I’ve been kind of pushing back against authority my whole life, but always in subtle, smart-alecky ways. And I think in a bid to turn me around, Ms. Flippen got me appointed a bus cop, so I have some responsibility now on the bus to enforce the rules and watch over the younger kids. And it is kind of cool to have some power and some status, but it bugs me that I’m still not the biggest boss on the bus. I have to obey Mr. Ralphs, the driver, and he’s a control freak. He’s always looking in the mirror! Isn’t he supposed to look forward sometimes?

What I’d really like to do is what Morsi did – just tell everybody how it’s going to be. Mr. Ralphs just drives the bus – I’m the only law that matters from the yellow “Don’t Cross This Line While the Bus Is Moving” line all the way back to the emergency exit. I’ll make all the calls, and I dare them to try to tell me otherwise.

Of course, Morsi’s got thousands of people marching around in the streets of Cairo, doing just that. But I figure if I’m sly about it and don’t come out with it as an announcement but just think the new rules and keep it inside my head, I’ll be able to get away with a total one-man revolution!

What do you think? Should I try it?

Your pal,
Bubby

I told Bubby the more power one grabs, the less easy one rests. Shakespeare wrote about that pretty much nonstop. But if he can keep the political insurrection inside his brain and not go blabbing to everybody about his superior powers, Bubby will probably just come off as smug and self-important, which doesn’t make a guy stand out in a crowd these days. Par for the course, as they say.

Thousands of people are in the streets, chanting that you’re a tyrant. What do you say (or do) to change their minds?

Today’s post is a commentary that was delivered to my house Wednesday night as a liner pasted inside the bottom of a kettle of saltwater fish. I have managed to dry it out just enough to make it legible, but it is unlikely that it will never smell good enough to be filed away with my other papers.

Ahoy!

On Tuesday, me an’ me boys watched by satellite wi’ great excitement as people of th’ U.S. of A. picked th’ same president they already had! He is no friend to outlaws an’ pirates, that’s fer sure. We was so hopin’ fer a victory by Mr. Romney, who in spite of his polished looks has much more in common with us pirates – bein’ a takeover an’ liquidation artist, which is somethin’ we understands quite well.

‘Twas not to be, however. Bein’ th’ leader of a crew is a great advantage t’ anyone what wants t’ stay the leader. In my experience, anyhow. Underlings gets used t’ a particular view, an’ it can be a comfort t’ know yer betters, rather than havin’ t’ get used t’ a new one.

No skin off’n our noses out here, as long as we gets t’ enjoy an overthrow in th’ order of things, which is our favorite kind o’ drama. An’ we is mighty entertained to see that swashbuckler Karl Rove comin’ under fire fer “wastin'” 300 million smackeroos whilst tryin’ t’ guide the outcome.

All them horses he bet on lost. Quite satisfyin’, that.

But then me an’ the boys believes there ain’t no such thing as wastin’ booty! Whether you forcibly takes th’ goods or simply uses yer wiles t’ talk someone into handin’ over their riches, th’ wealth is come by honestly (fer us), an’ usin’ it all up on whiskey an’ wenches is far from a waste if’n that’s what you wants t’ do!

Pleasure is a real thing, says me an’ me boys. It has value an’ is always worthwhile.

So what if Rove gave away all his booty t’ th’ owners of TV stations in Ohio. That’s perfectly fine as long as he enjoyed doin’ it, on account of th’ fact that th’ cash ain’t gone – ’tis now in more vigorous circulation. Them what wants t’ get their money back need only figure out what kinds of commodities Ohio TV executives likes. I confess that a moment spent considerin’ the possibilities leaves me feelin’ a bit queasy. But I is quite certain that’s where the money is headed next on it’s journey!

As fer ol’ Rove an’ his unproductive but delightful spendin’ binges, we is more than happy to welcome him here to th’ Muskellunge if’n he wants th’ sympathy an’ comfort of his own kind! An’ I is certain we can teach him a thing ‘r two ’bout bombast an’ obfuscation.

Yer peg leg pen pal,
Cap’t Billy

I’m not sure that I buy into the captain’s economic theories, but his attitude regarding the value of pleasure is refreshing.

Describe a “wasted” expenditure.