Dear Dr. Babooner,

I run a business that many people think is so important, it alone makes the difference between a community being top tier or second-rate. If my company were to move, a lot of people in the town where I sell my product would feel their quality of life and their standing in the world had been diminished somehow.

This is a very good field to be in.

In fact, this business operates on a field. And the field is surrounded by a building that can hold lots and lots of people. The building needs to be a landmark and a showplace, instantly recognizable to folks everywhere. It has to be an attraction because it is a really a machine that removes money from the pockets of people who come sit in it. And they cheer while it’s happening. They get a little drunk, a little hoarse, and when they leave their wallets are virtually empty. Yet for the most part, they’re kind of happy. As you can imagine, that’s a very sophisticated and expensive sort of building to construct.

I already rent a building that kind of does this magical work, but it’s old and worn and it doesn’t remove as much money from the pockets as I’d like to have. Need to have, I mean. Really, really need to have.

That’s what I’ve asked and asked and asked the community to help me build a newer, more efficient kind of money-sucking building. Or else. Well, it’s not really, definitely “or else”, but possibly “or else”. I don’t want to make threats, but if people in another town built me the kind of cash-hoovering structure I want, I’d pick up and go there because that would make it the sort of building that removes money not only from the pockets of people who are sitting in it, but also from people who aren’t sitting in it and never have any intention of going there, ever.

More magic!

I’m a good businessman and pretty up front about what I’m doing. And yet I am not getting much love and very little satisfaction from the people whose money I covet. Why not?

Sincerely,

Lone Wilf

I told Lone Wilf that there is no accounting for public tastes, but a person who hopes to receive large amounts of money, gratitude and love from millions of strangers might do well to dial back their expectations a bit. No matter how important you are, you are not nearly as important as you think you are. That’s my experience, anyway, and I assume it applies to everyone. It must, because why wouldn’t everyone feel the same way I do? My standard advice applies – moderation in all things, and don’t do anything rash. Sleep on it, buster. Whatever it is.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

The following note was found wrapped inside a soggy, salty sweater vest that was plastered to the side of a river barge just below Lock & Dam #2 on the Mississippi.

Ahoy, landlubbers!

Lately me and me boys has been watchin’ with considerable interest th’ modern day equivalent of what you might call a classic sea battle. Th’ epic contest of the Santorum vs. the Romney – a tiny pipsqueak of a vessel what runs on hot air an’ moral superiority tryin’ to bring down a juggernaut what is loaded with guns an’ riches an’ is guided by an imperious Cap’n riding far above th’ fray.

Of course we was all rootin’ fer th’ Overmatched Challenger in this one, on account of we is pirates, and siding with th’ underdog is our natural tendency. So we is sorry to see th’ Santorum has called off its ill advised an’ unsuccessful attack.

As far as our support goes, there was nothin’ political in it. We don’t even know what th’ Santorum was after, ain’t that right boys? Aye. Probably nothin’ we’d agree with, seein’ as how as pirates our platform is mostly about th’ redistribution of wealth – primarily in a direction what benefits us, of course.

I heard a few things in th’ wind what suggested the Santorum was opposed to that sort of thing, and also might not look too kindly on a bunch o’ men sailin’ around together more or less permanently as lifelong companions the way we has been for well nigh on 20 years or so.

But to each his own, I say. Unless, of course, “your own” is somethin’ I wants. Then, according to my habits an’ the demands of the life I has chosen, I’ll have to take it!

Right boys? Right!

Anyhow, we was entertained by th’ antics of th’ Scrappy Santorum and we hopes to see an encore in some future, hopeless battle.

Your salty man among men,
Capt. Billy

And your loyal men among man,
The Crew of the Muskellunge

When have you had to fly the flag of surrender?

Another breathlessly hyped dispatch has arrived from once legitimate journalist and now attention-starved, sensationalist scribbler, Bud Buck.

Messenger Shot, Attacker Collects Reward
By Bud Buck

Newt Gingrich, the winner of Saturday’s South Carolina Primary, is widely thought to have received that prize as a reward for taking extreme umbrage to a question from reporter John King during last week’s CNN “debate”. Gingrich said he was “appalled” that King would open the proceedings by repeating accusations from Gingrich’s second wife that he wanted her to agree to an ‘open marriage’ so he could stay with her and continue a relationship with the woman who ultimately became his third wife.

The audience cheered Gingrich’s response, and he went on to win handily. Today, my head is spinning. How can a person who behaves like Newt Gingrich win favor with any segment of the American populace? I didn’t think such a thing was possible, but by merely attacking a reporter he has managed to pull it off.

This is alarming news for journalists everywhere. I’m afraid it is proof positive that we now have open season on anyone with a microphone, camera or notebook. If delivering a verbal slapping to John King is all it takes to make a quarter million people believe someone as caustic and overblown as Newt Gingrich should be president, no reporter anywhere is safe. And I say this with the full understanding that in South Carolina, marital infidelity and lying by high officials is as common as dirt. And I mean actual dirt.

In the immediate future, look for this trend – whenever a reporter asks a question that is uncomfortable for the candidate on the receiving end, that journalist will be told in no uncertain terms how horrid and despicable he/she is. In fact, I suspect the remaining candidates are busily scouting around right now for a reporter to lambast. If Romney, Paul and Santorum don’t get a John King of their own, this contest could be over by February.

Of course no respectable journalist can hold back on the tough questions in this charged environment. And yet it is by asking tough questions that we will make it possible for the politicians to deflect attention from the miserable things they’ve done. And not just politicians! I expect the captain of that Italian cruise ship to go after the media very soon. What could he possibly lose? The world already thinks he’s a cowardly, selfish boor.
A little bit of scribe bashing could only help his image.

That is why I, Bud Buck, would like to offer myself as a reportorial sacrifice. Yes, I am making myself available to any campaign that would like to have a journalist to chide, browbeat and abuse. I’ll be your hapless media elite. I can ask Romney about the dog on the roof of his car. I can bring the “Google search” question to Santorum. And I can get in Ron Paul’s grill about those old newsletters. Why would I set myself up for such harsh treatment? Because it’s obvious – American hates journalists. And if that’s the only kind of spotlight that’s truly available for the reporting class, I want it all. The most despised journalist in America is, by default, number one! Newt Gingrich learned this long ago.

Getting attention is the only thing that matters.

Candidates, call me! This is Bud Buck!

I doubt any major campaigns will choose Bud Buck to be their designated whipping boy, but Mitt Romney has to go ballistic on someone, and soon. Who will it be?

When have you been yelled at?

Today is the shared birthday of two American icons, Benjamin Franklin and Al Capone, in 1706 and 1899 respectively. One is widely respected but also known as a bit of a scoundrel, and the other widely known as a scoundrel but also a little bit respected.

I’m not about to suggest they would have been friendly, though it’s possible Franklin would have found Capone interesting. And Capone? He might have found Franklin a pine box to lie down in, given the right circumstances.

Of course the Internet is lousy with quotes from each, and who knows if they’re accurate? But by process of elimination, it’s easy to tell who said what.

This one is not from the author of “The Art of Virtue”:

“Today I got a letter from a woman in England. She offered to pay my passage to London if I’d kill some neighbors she’s been having a quarrel with.”

And this one is not from the author of “The Valentine’s Day Massacre”:

“Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none.”

These, I suppose, could have come from either one:

“My booze has been good and my games on the square.”
“Drive thy business or it will drive thee.”
“I’ll have to hand it to Napoleon as the world’s greatest racketeer.”
“Energy and persistence conquer all things.”
“Public service is my motto.”
“He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.”

Could there be a book or a movie in the meeting of these strange fun-loving bedfellows? All it would take is a nifty solution to the problem of time travel, and finding a proper wig for Mr. Capone or a suitable hat for Mr. Franklin.

Nominate someone to be your foil in a true “Odd Couple.”

Today is the much awaited day of the Iowa Caucuses – happening earlier than ever! And yet even for enthusiastic political junkies, Iowa can’t be over soon enough. The remarkable lead-up to tonight’s allegiance declaration-fest has led one widely overlooked local politician to send a special message of re-assurance to the voters in his district.

Greetings Constituents!

I know that many of you are concerned about reports you’ve seen from Iowa, where an unmeasurably deep pool of Super-PAC money has been used to pump up the negative side of campaign advertising to such a remarkable extent that normally placid Iowans are gasping and retching from the the stench that enters their living rooms the moment they turn on the TV. Not only do Iowans hate the hate, they despise how well this extreme negativity has been working on them! For example, an avalanche of anti-Newt Gingrich messages blunted his growing support over the past few weeks, and this low road to happiness was taken without penalty for the widely acknowledged frontrunner, Mitt Romney.

This happened because the bulk of the negative ads were created and paid for by a super-PAC that has no formal relationship or coordination with the Romney campaign. That’s the law – they can’t cooperate. But the cynical calculus of winning elections is clear to everyone involved – someone has to go negative. So this appears to be the new campaign template – unlimited, untraceable super-PAC money will be used to demolish an opponent with nasty, scurrilous, misleading insults that are ugly and maybe partially true, while the candidate him or herself runs clean and endorses only the ads that sell puppies and sunshine.

They do this on the television crime operas all the time under the heading “Good Cop / Bad Cop”. Cops say they don’t play it that way in real life, but if they were actually doing it they would still have to say that they didn’t.

They also do this in the National Hockey League, where one player serves as the designated “goon”. That player’s only job is to beat people up and show no mercy. There isn’t a lot of coordination required. The “goon” knows who he is and sees what he has to do. The less said, the better.

And frankly, this happens on the elementary school playground, where bullies pick on people just because they’re big and they can get away with it. When I was in 5th grade, I was on the receiving end of a lot of this. All thanks to my school-record setting Nerd Quotient – a mark of geekiness that has not been eclipsed in 40 years.

That’s why several of you have voiced your concern that a Super PAC is going to get involved in the 9th District Congressional race this year and spread around a lot of ugly stories about me, basically fouling the waters of our all-water-surace-area district and guaranteeing my defeat.

That could happen.

But it’s also quite possible that a wealthy Super PAC that wants to endorse me and get on my good side (ie: Citizens Aghast Unambiguously Getting Hateful Together (CAUGHT) or People Livid About Some Terrible Imagined Crime (PLASTIC))) will jump into the contest at the last moment and severely tarnish my opponent’s reputation with such unsavory and unfounded televised dreck that people will feel they are faced with a simple, stark choice – vote for Loomis Beechly or make a Deal With Satan. I would hate to benefit from such unprincipled behavior. Particularly if everyone saw me doing it.

That is why I’m taking the Pity Pledge.

I promise that if my opponent is attacked by some outside group that is flooding the airwaves with blatantly negative ads that make juvenile claims about him that are unfortunately beyond my control, I will sit at my opponent’s lunch table in the cafeteria all the way through the meal even though he drools, especially on days when there’s chocolate pudding. And I’ll walk with him to his locker before hour 5 even though he often gets embarrassingly lost in the hallways. And if those nasty outside attacks still continue, I’ll choose my opponent to be on my side in dodge ball even though he’s incredibly slow and has weak arms. And if the disparaging remarks don’t stop, I’ll even consider sitting with my opponent on the bus in spite of the fact that he smells like dirty gym socks, even first thing in the morning.

That’s how committed I am to eliminating negativity in the 2012 campaign! There’s simply no call for that sort of thing, especially when it involves someone as hapless as my unidentified opponent, who really can’t control any of those kinda funny things the other kids find so mockable.

Won’t you join me in the fight for friendliness? Make sure all your favorite candidates take The Pity Pledge! It’s the only way we can maintain our political decorum!

Your 9th Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

I have to wonder if the Congressman will follow through on his promise, though I kind of admire the idea.

When have you stood up for Fair Play?