Tag Archives: Politics

Poems

One That Got Away

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It was a blustery fishing opener again this year, but at least Minnesota’s Democratic Governor (Mark Dayton) and the Republican leaders of the House (Kurt Zellers) and Senate (Matt Dean) got together to support the state’s tourism effort by going out just after midnight to not catch any fish.

I haven’t seen any reports that put the three alone in the same small boat, though that would be an ideal situation to promote a settlement of the state’s 5 billion dollar budget shortfall. Or it could start an all out war. It would make a great scene in a movie, anyway.

The whole idea of three in a boat reminded me of the classic children’s poem by Edward Field, Wynken, Blynken and Nod. Offered here with sincere apologies to the author and everyone else. (Including Eugene Field, the real author of the original poem – Thanks for the correction, Verrily Sherrilee)

Dayton, Zellers and Dean one night
sailed off on a big pontoon –
Sailed on a lake in a mid may gale
By the light of a northern moon.
“Where are you going, and what do you wish?”
The old moon asked the three.
“We have come to fish and to accomplish
what they said could never be.
At least not under Pawlenty!”
Said Dayton,
Zellers
And Dean.

The old moon laughed and winked an eye
as they rocked on the frothy lake,
And the wind picked up as the three did try
to do some give and take.
The little stars, worth a billion each
they sparkled the whole night through.
But never enough could just one reach,
without the other two.
So cried the stars to the fishermen three:
Dayton,
Zellers
And Dean.

One said “taxes,” two said “cuts!”
To the stars as the waves did rise.
They barked and they howled, as would three old mutts
Avoiding compromise;
‘Twas such a predictable path they sailed
To get come round to where they’d be
At the very same spot from whence they’d sailed
Way back in January —
And I shall name you the fishermen three:
Dayton
Zellers
And Dean.

There’s a fourth verse which I didn’t have time to attempt, so you’re welcome to give it a try. Or tell us about your favorite childhood poem.

Poems

A Donald Serves The Nation

48 Comments

I can’t help it!

I know the Donald doesn’t deserve any more attention, but he is SO beguiling!
The extreme look is Seussian, and his mission – absurd!
His self-congratulation as a reaction to being proven wrong could have been written up for one of the good Doctor’s bizarre clump-haired characters.

I’ve done what no one else could do!
I proved that One plus One is Two.
I forced the issue on this sum
By talking loud and playing dumb.

Whenever I was sternly told
“The answer’s ‘two’”, I’d glare and scold,
Then turn and ask them on the spot
“But what if? Just suppose it’s not!”

They’d give me something, then one more,
then count them both and like before
They’d say “That’s two, and it’s a fact.”
And that’s when I’d begin my act.

“I cannot see the thing you show!
It’s something I choose not to know.”
I’d stamp my feet and flip my hair
And claim their ‘two’ just wasn’t there.

I’d bluster some, then bloviate.
I’d act offended and irate.
They let me do it, as a famous,
celebrated ignoramus!

I spewed so much wild talk about it,
Some others soon began to doubt it!
“Suppose the answer’s cherry pie?”
“Could be!” I said! “If so, they lie!”

At last, alas the thing became
a rally built around my name.
And I became a great forsoother.
The “One Plus One Might Not Be Two-ther!”

That is, until they had to show
the documents that say it’s so.
And I received what was my due
Attention paid, by all of you.

I got my way through agitation
and supplied a grateful nation
proof at last, with wiles and art
That playing stupid can be smart.

When have you played dumb?

Uncategorized

Bear Removed From Tree

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I received a rambling, late night message from a friend who lives far outside the city. Obviously he has a lot of time on his hands, even though he doesn’t have hands.
This has been translated from the original Ursus Textish.

Bart - The Bear Who Found a Cell Phone

Hey, Bart here.

Pretty warm here today. I noticed the people are coming out of hibernation.

Doesn’t take very long before they head into the woods to start chopping down trees, pitching tents, starting campfires, and checking their e-mail. Good thing we’ve got solid coverage out here. I’ve been spending a lot of time looking at YouTube. Pretty cool, but not enough bears (yet).

Anyway, it’s good to have some real company. I like to sit in the dark and listen to the voices. You can kinda figure out what’s going on if you pay attention. So tell your friends this is a great time to go camping. The whole forest is coming to life, but the berries aren’t out yet, so when you come, bring lunchmeat and chips in paper bags. Be sure to leave the bags sitting on the ground outside your tent.

At the edge of the clearing would be even better.

Heard some campers talking last night about something big getting shut down or turned off because some people got backed into a corner and couldn’t find a way out, even though they knew it would be very, very bad to keep on being stubborn. Then later, the way they were talking made it sound like the problem got solved (until next time). All it took was a little pressure and some letting go. We bears know all about that, believe me.

Every so often a bear gets stuck in a tree in some really busy neighborhood. You start walking, you listen to the voices in your own head telling you what to do and suddenly things start looking a little weird. You know you took a wrong turn back a ways and you don’t want to be there and you start to wonder if you can walk out the way you came in. But then somebody sees you and starts shouting this and that about a bear and you get scared and confused and you don’t know where to go, and then there’s this tree, so you climb it. And then what? You can’t just come down and saunter off. It’s a big mess and there are so many ways it can end wrong.

I’m not saying this is personal experience, though it might have happened to me once near Alexandria. It’s possible that a tranquilizer gun was used, and maybe a trampoline was put under the tree to break my fall. My memory’s a bit foggy, but I do recall this – pain in leg, feeling dizzy, one big bounce and almost another, then flashing lights, the police van and a sore neck. Lesson? It’s always good to have spotters when you’re playing with a trampoline.

Word in the woods is that another one of my kind got into that exact situation in Virginia Beach, VA just yesterday. You don’t have to watch the whole thing, but catch the first few seconds because you’ll get to see something you usually don’t – a bear in a harness!

http://youtu.be/ZJnnj8ICgeA

Looks kinda like fun to me. And scary. Anyway, I guess the lesson is that there are always ways to get out of an awkward spot if you’re willing to let go of a little bit of your dignity.

Happy spring!

Your friend,
Bart

Afraid of heights?

Songs

Song and Dance

55 Comments

It could very well turn out this Friday that the never ending struggle for control in Washington will express itself in a federal government shutdown of uncertain duration.

The key factor in any political battle like this is, of course, who gets blamed for it.

This is the same old song and dance, so naturally it made me think of an old song and dance from the Broadway musical of the mid ’60’s that starred Angela Lansbury for so many years – Mame!

Yes, it’s an extremely dated reference that would be lost on anyone under the age of 50, but here’s a special ironic bonus – the original book, play and musical had a strong depression era theme of resilience in the face of financial catastrophe!

Video of the signature song as performed by Ms. Lansbury isn’t available on You Tube, but here’s a case where a fan valiantly tried to match the official soundtrack with some jumpy images of the show.

I hope there’s enough there to remind you of Jerry Herman’s catchy tune so you can sing along with new lyrics for the 112th Congress, as all its members attempt to leave people on the other side of the aisle holding the bag.

You caused the government to shut down. Blame!
The major industry in this town. Blame!
Our Medicare’s suspended,
And Medicaid is out of money too!
There’s nothing in our pockets
except a governmental IOU.

There’s just one thing we have to assign. Blame!
It must be yours ‘cause it can’t be mine. Blame!
There’s no recourse and nothing to
do except connect this to a name.
We’re handing you the title, gents.
Making this yours is vital, gents.
You’ve taken our entitlements! Blame!

You’ve cut things far too close to the bone. Blame!
You’ve spent too much. It’s time to atone. Blame!
Our brilliant plan will fix it
Unless you thwart us like you always do.
We can’t be held responsible
‘long as we can pin this mess on you!

There’s nothing left that we can discuss. Blame!
Let’s point our fingers, sputter and cuss. Blame!
We’ve shaped a simple narrative
Making you the villain in this game.
Consider yourself battled with …
Our hearts and brains are addled with …
We’ll see that you get saddled with … Blame!

Is it ever polite to point?

Poems

Re-writing History

105 Comments

Protesters challenging entrenched governments in Tunisia and Egypt gained early momentum thanks to social media. That Facebook and Twitter could play such a role in modern insurrections was unimagined by the founders of these social websites, and the whole notion of a website would be incomprehensible to Our Founding Fathers.

Where current events will lead is unclear, but if you transport these latest devices back 236 years, it’s not hard to imagine that earlier revolutions might have started in the same way.

Friend me, children, and you shall hear
Of the Twitterstream of Paul Revere.
In April of 1775
Hardly a man is now alive
who remembers the web was already here.

He said to his friend, “When the Brits intrude,
If by land or sea from the town they lurch,
Send a message to me from your iPhone, dude
I’ve got coverage up by the old North Church.

One tweet if by land and two tweets if by sea
And I on the opposite shore will be
Already connected to Facebook and Twitter
I’ll rally each farmer and rancher and knitter.
Assuming they all can arrange for a sitter.

Later, impatient and holding his cell,
All jumpy from Starbucks and eager as hell
on the opposite shore walked Paul Revere.
Now he’s tested his ringtone’s knell
Now five bars, his reception clear.
Checked his battery. It was charged.
His pounding heart was twice enlarged.

He searched for hashtags to hasten speed
#British, #man-o-war, #redcoats and #steed
The network was up, but was it corrupted?
Then quickly to life the device erupted.
“Brits go 4 #man-o-war, coming by sea
Revolution is here, P. Revere OMG!”
He copied this message, not missing a beat.
Proceeded it with an “RT” for “re-tweet”
And then closed up the phone. Revolution complete.

You know the rest. It was blogged. It was posted.
The Redcoats, defeated, were routed and toasted.
For social connections can work with a power
as potent as lanterns hung in a church tower.
A people, aggrieved, can now push for redress
in one hundred forty quick keystrokes or less.

Longfellow’s poem (which actually does include the word “twitter”), is as famous today for it’s inaccuracies as its narrative – evidence that a memorable simplicity must eventually succumb to a more complex truth.

Ever been part of an uprising?

Songs

The Big Break-Up

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It appears some people in Congress who were faithful supporters of the administration will not go along with the tax compromise announced this week. I guess we need a break-up song for President Obama and factions inside the Democratic Party.

There are many, many break up songs. One of the most popular new ones is by Cee-Lo Green.

I see you drivin’ round town
with the girl I love and I’m like,
F— You. Ooo Ooo Ooo.

Catchy tune, and it has the cultural advantage of sounding like the kind of thing you actually hear real people saying on some street corners, in select coffee shops, on certain bus routes, at every local bar, and at the customer service counter in Wal-Mart. But for my money, “F— You” is missing something important – the wounded innocence that makes a break-up song great. And class. I do like the “Ooo Ooo Ooo” part, though.

Lesley Gore, backed up here by her Frantic Handkerchief Dancers, made this one a hit in the mid-60’s.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsYJyVEUaC4

“It’s My Party” is one of those rare songs that starts with the chorus.

It’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you

It’s classic lyrical victimhood, and it will work for just about any break up situation or intra-party political dispute as long as you are willing to assume that it’s your birthday and you’ve been wronged in the most public way possible. Plus, it’s catchy, and that’s what most people remember.

The rest of the words … well, we can make them what we want. Right? For President Obama and the Democrats, we could do this:

I thought my guy would stay right by my side
You all know what we had.
But now he’s drifting away
Compromising like mad.

CHORUS

Taxing the rich was our favorite dream
We agreed. It was grand.
Now he’s slow dancing with them
On our line in the sand!

CHORUS

HANDKERCHIEF DANCE BREAK (with sobbing)

He’s says it’s just a bipartisan thing.
He won’t love them like me.
I hoped he never would change.
Oh what audacity!

What is your favorite music for when you’re feeling blue (at a red state party)?

Uncategorized

Counting the Stars

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Once legitimate and now somewhat sensational journalist Bud Buck has decided to turn his limited attention to Minnesota’s Gubernatorial Race. He sent a note yesterday promising a story that would “break the recount wide open”. Bud told me to watch for his “bombshell”. Naturally I was suspicious. Bud has a tendency to rely on a single source for his reporting. A single source if you don’t count his vivid imagination. When the story arrived this morning I saw proof positive that I had good reason to be concerned.

Galactic Fraud Hinted At!
By Bud Buck

Scientists studying the galaxies have reached a startling conclusion that should cause Minnesota election officials to re-examine their methodology and data.

In a paper published this week in the science journal “Nature”, researchers have determined that there has been a massive undercounting of the number of stars in the sky. Previous assumptions made about star populations based on the density of our own Milky Way may have led enumerators to overlook gazillions of faint stars known as “Red Dwarves”. New scholarship suggests there could be trillions of these uncounted furnaces in some elliptical shaped galaxies alone.

This revelation was eagerly seized by activists following the re-count in Minnesota’s Gubernatorial race. “Note that these stars are categorized by cosmologists as “red”,” said Julius Blustering, a self-described ‘constitutional astronomer’ who has been camped in front of the Secretary of State’s office since mid-November. “There was no mention in the paper of any undercounting of “blue” stars.”

Standing in front of his three cornered tent that mimics the design of the well-known Patriot hat style, Blustering pointing out that conditions in the larger universe are often mirrored on a much smaller scale here below. He demanded that the Minnesota Secretary of State use a similar methodology to the one used in the star study to cross check the gubernatorial ballots from last month’s election.

“The scientists figured out they had something wrong in the count when they examined the temperature of distant galaxies. There were differences in the readings that could only be explained by the presence of a larger than expected number of red stars,” said Blustering. “I call on the election officials to use the last remaining Shuttle launch in conjunction with the Hubble Space Telescope to train those same scientific instruments on every Minnesota precinct. If the temperature readings mirror the actual division of votes, no problem. But if things don’t match up, that’ll be a clear sign there are more red votes than the ‘official’ tallies indicate!”

Blustering’s demand was dismissed by election officials as impractical, unscientific, unconstitutional, and possibly a delaying tactic intended to create a political advantage for one side in the dispute.

“Nonsense.” said Blustering. “We’ve been looking at the stars for several thousands of years and are just now getting the count right. What I’m proposing will take less than half that time.”

What is your favorite delaying tactic?

Uncategorized

Mirth & State

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Like many habitually shy babooners I am cowed by crowds. In a gathering of two or more people I will tend to move to the periphery, which is no easy task if there is only one other person in the room. My party personality falls far short of “gregarious” and doesn’t quite make it to “lively”, landing much closer to “quiet” and “thoughtful” and sometimes, “a houseplant”. Were I inexplicably attending a massive public event on the National Mall like today’s “Rally to Restore Sanity”, led by comedians Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, I think I would be most comfortable experiencing it from somewhere around Alexandria, Virginia.

Still, I hope Comedy Central’s stars and their fans have a beautiful and memorable day. Sanity is worth rallying around. Moderation and respect are good goals for the national conversation. Getting people whipped into a state of frenzy over reasonable discussion and principled compromise is an appropriately ironic mission for this mammoth gathering on the eve of the midterm elections.

I’m not surprised to see that a phony “debate” has sprung up over whether it is fitting for comedians to be so politically prominent, as if humor was somehow separate and distinct from other forms of human communication. Making a joke of it is how we deal with things. All things. Laughter is a way to gain perspective. And there’s nothing at all in the Constitution about any kind of “separation of mirth and state”. Take a look. The phrase doesn’t appear. I rest my case.

Stewart and Colbert are good, and I’m a fan. But when I think of great comedy duos, another pair comes to mind first. Over the past few days I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying a new 4 CD set of the collected works of the legendary radio comedy duo “Bob and Ray”. These guys were absolutely the best at drawing a laugh with an absurd situation, a line, a phrase, an inflection, or a sound. Were they political? Their portrayal of the imperious Commissioner Carstairs, tyrant of the zoning board of the city of Skunkhaven, was a dead ringer for the red baiting Senator Joseph McCarthy. But alongside their uncanny grasp of human nature and their casual ability to skewer the occasional politician, Bob and Ray excelled at exposing the inanities of media – a mission they share with Stewart and Colbert.

Here are Bob and Ray on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.

Who makes you laugh?

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Dramatic Campaign

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It was sad to hear of the death, from cancer, of beloved actor Tom Bosley. Bosley was famous for appearing as the dad in the long-running TV series “Happy Days”, but his reputation as a stage actor on Broadway was sealed by his portrayal of New York Mayor Fiorello LaGuardia in the Pulitzer Prize winning 1960 musical, “Fiorello”.

“Fiorello” is one of 8 musicals to win the Pulitzer for drama. (The others are “Of Thee I Sing”, “South Pacific”, “How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying”, “A Chorus Line”, “Sunday in the Park With George”, “Rent” and “Next To Normal”. Only two of these are about politics – “Fiorello” and “Of Thee I Sing.” That got me thinking about our discussion yesterday on politics and cynicism.

“Of Thee I Sing” debuted in 1932, written by George S. Kaufman and Morrie Ryskind with music and lyrics from George and Ira Gershwin. Act one describes a political campaign where the candidate runs on the “love” platform, promising voters that if they elect him, he’ll marry the woman of his dreams, thereby making the biggest campaign issue whether or not people want a happy ending to a romantic story. No need to hire a pollster to figure how that one will turn out.

That’s what you get when you let politics and musical theater collide.

“Fiorello” has a similar romantic storyline, but for lovers of musical cynicism the standouts are two songs sung by corrupt politicians – “Politics and Poker” and “Little Tin Box”. Bosley didn’t appear in either one of these songs – he was the hero and these are numbers for the villains – but they represent America’s best effort at distilling political corruption into a cheerful little ditty.

Unfortunately, YouTube doesn’t offer videos of the original Broadway cast doing these songs (I’m shocked, scandalized), but Farmingdale High School on Long Island did a nice job with “Little Tin Box”. Kudos to the guy in the greenish vest.

It’s hard to imagine what sort of musical would reflect the political times we live in today, or if such a show could even exist. After all, you have to have a sympathetic protagonist, and as soon as you put someone from our current cast of characters up on a pedestal, half the audience will write you off as partisan. You could try to go entirely in the other direction and built the show around an anti-hero (Michele Bachmann, the Musical) with the same disappointing result.

Maybe the political musical for our times is really about our concurrent but weirdly separate realities. Act one tells the story from a red politics perspective. Act two brings in the same characters and re-tells the same tale, blue. But where does that leave us at the end? Ready to run from the theater and go have a drink somewhere.

What’s your favorite political drama on stage or screen?

Uncategorized

Who Owns the North Star?

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The North Star is at the Center of the Action

I ask the question only because Minnesota is referred to as The Star of the North in our official state motto, L’Etoile du Nord. It also comes up in our state song, Hail Minnesota.
The official state website is called Minnesota North Star.
We have North Star Commuter Rail.
And of course our hockey team was the North Stars until they moved to Dallas and became the (ordinary) Stars. But if you’re a puckster looking at it from the Mexican state of Chihuahua, the Dallas team may still be the North Stars to you.

But North Star-ness is all relative to one’s position. Since Minnesota was once the northern most U.S. State, “North Star” made a certain geographic sense. But now the northernmost title for States of the Union goes to Alaska, no contest. Accordingly, the North Star is featured on Alaska’s flag.
There’s a New Jersey-sized section of Alaska called the Fairbanks North Star Borough.

And according to a controversial profile of Sarah Palin in Vanity Fair, the ex-Governor and conservative firebrand is rather fond of the name North Star.

It was a baking-hot Kansas afternoon, and from the lobby I watched as three slender, solemn young hairstylists and makeup artists approached a front-desk clerk at the Hyatt Regency hotel, in Wichita. The tallest of them said, “We’re here for North Star.” The desk clerk understood. He nodded and directed the three women to the Keeper of the Plains suite, on the 17th floor, where North Star herself awaited. The North Star is mentioned in Alaska’s state song and appears on its state flag. Fairbanks lies in a region called the North Star Borough. Palin is on the way to making North Star a personal brand. If she ever does run for president, it might well serve as her Secret Service code name.

I should point out, though this will come as no surprise, that the Palin profile is not flattering. The author, Michael Joseph Gross, claims that he wanted to write a positive piece but was unable to once he started talking to real, anonymous-by-request people. That may be true, but one must wonder how hard he tried. When the person you are writing about refuses to speak to you and you wind up interviewing restaurant servers to find out what kind of tipper your subject is (not very good, it turns out), I’d say the odds already favor a negative result.

But it does lead me to this question – would Governor Palin’s Minnesota non-admirers be able to stomach her adoption of “North Star” as a “personal brand”?

North Star? That’s us! Not only have we claimed it in all the ways I already described, but we serve as the headquarters for Polaris, a snowmobile company that has taken the North Star’s given name as its own.

But here’s the unfortunate truth – even Polaris itself can’t lay an unassailable claim to the title “North Star”. Sure, it has been the pole star for one half of planet Earth for many years and since it appears motionless in the sky it has served as a vital navigation guide to seafarers for centuries. But due to a rotational wobble called the Precession of the Equinoxes, even Polaris will one day lose the title “North Star” to a different twinkler named Vega. But don’t despair. In Twenty six thousand years, Polaris will get it back.

Fickle universe!

If you became president, what would you choose as your code name?