Tag Archives: power

Speeches

Power & Privilege

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Yes, our miserable world is overrun with meaningless awards and empty accolades.

It used to be you could get either a Pulitzer or a Purple Heart and that was about the full extent of it, but now if you are an ambitious person with a global “brand,” you have to leave enough space on your shelf to separate your Emmys from your Grammys from all your Nobel Prizes.

And with each of these prizes, there is a requisite amount of gratitude one is expected to express publicly.

That has proven to be a boon for the Acceptance Speech Writers of America (ASWOA), whose members specialize in crafting all manner of short, humble statements that are designed to publicly recognize the inescapable fact that no one does anything of consequence without help.

I’m a member of ASWOA, and I admit I’ve never scored a large-scale acceptance speech, even though I’ve studied and practiced the various forms.

For example, we know that Oscar acceptance speeches are famously long-winded, thanks-wise. Enough said (except that enough is never said in one of these).

One of the best things about that MacArthur Foundation Genius Grant is that you don’t know you’re in the running until you get it, so your reaction is pretty much pre-written.

“This came totally out of the blue and I can’t believe I was even up for it. I’m stunned speechless. Love you mom!”

The shout-out to mom is important because there’s hardly anyone else to thank. It’s so much about YOU.

But the one global prize the members of ASWOA absolutely detest is the Forbes Most Powerful Person Prize, which went to Russian President Vladimir Putin this year for the second year in a row.

Why no love for this mighty sounding accolade?

Because winners of the FMPPP rarely give an acceptance speech of any kind. To understand why, all you have to do is take a look at the draft I wrote for Putin last year:

“Me getting this means the world finally recognizes what I’ve known for a long time. I’m awesome! So to pretend I’m grateful would be counter-productive.
After all, you can only be the Most Powerful Person if every other person is weaker, right? How can I thank anyone for that? Does a mountain thank the prairie for being flat? I don’t think so. For me to credit anyone for my greatness would make me less than them, thus disqualifying me for the award I just received.
Catch-22!
So there’s no way I can accept this award, because I already had it long before you realized I am the winner! And only by being a complete jerk about it can I clearly indicate to you that I totally deserve to be The Most Powerful Person in the World, and that with the announcement of this award I am simultaneously delighted and completely and thoroughly bored out of my mind.”

Not only did Putin not give this wonderful acceptance  speech I wrote for him, he wrote back and told me I was a worthless little worm who was destined to do his bidding, or die trying.

Of course I took that in the way it was intended – as the highest possible compliment.

Who is the most powerful person in your world?

History

Seat of Power

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As millions of Egyptians yell for their elected president to hand over his authority, I’m grateful on this 4th-of-July-eve that we still have a working mechanism in this country for the peaceful transfer of power and I wonder at the various ways people have decided in the course of history that one person or another will get to make the decisions.

Not a Very Comfortable Looking Place to Roost
Not a Very Comfortable Looking Place to Roost

The Scots have used various methods, including the sword and the bludgeon. This is the anniversary of the day in 1996 when Scottish people learned that they would be getting their precious “Stone of Destiny” back.

And here I thought “Stone of Scone” was the way a dyslexic barista refers the 2-day old pastry at Caribou.

But no, it seems The Stone of Scone is an actual rock that royal people have to sit on when they get crowned. So much for the comforts of rank. But whether the current stone is really the stone of legend and lore is open to question, since it has been stolen and moved back and forth over the border that separates Scotland and England. That’s a lot of travel for a chunk of Earth that weighs over 300 pounds. But it might have even more stamps on its passport if it is, in fact, “Jacob’s Pillow” stone from the Bible, as some have said.

Or maybe it’s a meteorite and is not of this Earth at all.

For a rock this thing has a remarkably complicated history. In addition to being stonenapped at least once, several decoy versions are rumored to exist in various places. The original perching place of kings and queens might truly be in Edinburgh Castle waiting to be transported back to London for the next coronation. Or that one could be a forgery and the real stone might be in the town of Arbroath, or maybe it’s hidden inside Dunsinnan Hill. Or perhaps J.K. Rowling had Harry Potter steal it, and it serves as a coffee table in one of her houses.

So the Stone of Scone remains mysterious. Even when you’re looking at it, you can’t be one hundred percent sure you’re really looking at it. But then that’s what you get when you invest so much power in an ordinary thing. It’s the sort of magical transformation that can only be accomplished through storytelling.

Describe your favorite chair.