Just in time for the 4th of July, the particle physicists at CERN are hinting that they will unleash the baddest boom since the Big Bang with an announcement that they have found the Higgs Boson, the elusive subatomic particle that, if proven to exist, would go a long way towards explaining why all the other particles act the way they do.

OK, well, not actually “found”.

The researchers are hedging because science is a field where definite statements that are presented as fact require some kind of supporting proof – unlike politics, where people can just say stuff because they’d like it to be true.

So they’re hedging. If the things scientists are saying about the Higgs Boson were said about the car keys I lost the other day, it would sound something like this:

“I’ve found something which may have qualities that are consistent with my car keys. If the keys were wedged into the pocket of the pants I never wear because they’re too tight, you could say that I have seen something like the outline of a shape that could represent them. But because I was looking into a mirror and the pants are painfully small, the image has been erased from my memory and may never be re-created. Please don’t ask me to describe it.”

How’s that for certainty?

It’s possible that two days after issuing this tortured explanation of why I can’t find them, I might locate my missing keys at the bottom of the coat closet, in my shoe. But for now, we’re nowhere close to being able to start the car. But we feel like we’re getting nearer. Sound like news? On the Fourth of July, traditionally a slow day for headlines, it will be!

And this sort of half-announcement should come as no surprise. In the search for Higgs’ Boson, we heard rumors of something that was just shy of a “discovery” last December, and we have talked about it here before.

Not only does this elusive boson magically give other objects mass, it makes wild suppositions and breathless news articles happen! If Rupert Murdoch could harness the power of the boson, surely he would use it to have his tabloids write themselves.

What are you looking for that you can now report you might have almost found?

Now some scientists say dinosaurs were already in decline when their extinction meteor hit.

The common belief is that Earth’s collision with a massive space chunk is responsible for the disappearance of big scaly beasts 65 million years ago. But this notion could be modified by new research which indicates certain varieties of dinosaur were already on the way out when a surprise astro-calamity hastened their demise.

How do we know this? Scientists have their reasons, all very scientific of course. I’m sure they used fancy formulas and brainy calculations, assessing some collection of small details about dietary differences and adaptability. That’s science for you – using undisputed fact to deduce the truth.

Me? I’m a journalist, so I try to turn complicated truths into easy-to-digest over simplifications. As for proof, all I need is another writer to say it. I figure if things were going bad for the dinosaurs, some cranky columnist would have scrawled a whiney op-ed about it.

“Best Days Are Behind Us”
By Sara Topsid

I’ve got this friend Barney who is a duck billed hadrosaur. We both been around a long time and we get along great. We spend a lot of time down by the bog talking, which naturally leads to complaining.

One thing we agree on is that, as a species our best days are behind us.

I know this is hard to hear, but all around me I see signs of decline! For example, a lot of the young dinos now are going in big time for bio-diversity. All kinds of shapes and sizes of dinosaurs are suddenly “acceptable” and have to be “honored”.

Says who? Even their weird dietary habits are supposed to be supported and respected. Like eating different stuff is some kind of a good thing?
Give me a break!

When I was young, all the dinos I knew were herbivores. We all ate plants in large bites, and I still do! Not a lot of sampling and testing and experimenting allowed – you eat what your ancestors ate and don’t ask questions. It was good enough for me and I grew up fine. Plants are plentiful. My neighbors are decent and they all eat plants. Why mess with a good thing?

Now I’m seeing all these smartass young meat eaters hanging around street corners and pushing their omnivore agenda like it’s a normal way to live. Sorry, flesh rippers, but in my book a legitimate meal has always been one dino, and one leafy green plant. No exceptions.

Leafy greens are good for the constitution. Maybe we should make it a rule that everybody has to be the same when it comes to … Hey! What’s that bright thing in the sky?

What (or who) is ruining everything?

We are being watched.

Webcams and security systems are catching all the activity in selected science labs, hotel lobbies, public plazas and convenience stores. If you walk into the scene, you’re part of the permanent record. You may say “I’m not important enough to spy on. I’m not doing anything WORTH watching.” Probably true. Nevertheless, any time you’re out of your home, there’s a chance you are on camera.

People who are “more important” than you may be behind some of those cameras, but don’t envy the V.I.P.’s. They are also under surveillance. In fact, one V.I.P. is probably more watched than anybody else on the planet. The President of the United States has highly trained experts observing him constantly. And though the Secret Service is supposed to be, well, secret … if you’ve seen a president – ANY president – you’ve seen his detail. The sunglasses, the earpiece, and the dour expression give it away. That, and the fact that they’re all clustered around the big cheese. The Secret Service also keeps an eye on everyone who comes near, so if you’ve seen the president, chances are good you’ve been seen as well, and sized up.

But now the tables have been turned and it’s the Secret Service being surveilled. Details still to come – but right now we’re on high alert. If a Columbian prostitute comes anywhere near that stern looking man in the dark suit, I may have to throw myself in harm’s way to keep something terrible from happening.

The lesson? No one is immune.

Perhaps you thought a humble Senior Citizen could stay out of the glare of the know-everything society, keeping to his mundane routine in an apartment building hidden away somewhere. But a new industry is springing up to keep track of our elders, tracking them as they move around their retirement cages, using sensors to note when they get out of bed, turn on the TV, go to the bathroom and make a meal.

There is a genuine and truly beneficial purpose to this sort of privacy invasion, especially in those cases where the person being monitored is all alone in the home. Were they to fall or otherwise become incapacitated, the interruption in their data stream might be enough to save a life.

But the fact remains – we’re all being watched … or CAPABLE of being watched at any time. Which brings us to the Hawthorne Effect. It’s a term business students come to know, based on a decades-old study of worker productivity at the Hawthorne Works, a Western Electric factory in the Chicago area.

Basically, people’s productivity improved during the study and slacked off once the study ended. The reason? People tend to respond when interest is shown in them. Because the workers knew they were being observed, every study-related change led to higher productivity. When the researchers stopped watching, a lull ensued.

Maybe we’re moving towards a world hyper-charged by the Hawthorne Effect, with everyone super-productive and on their best behavior! But what if I NEED a lull?

Back to our senior citizen whose movements are being remotely monitored in his home. Good thing, yes? But if you knew your daughter in San Francisco would get an e-mail every time you went to the bathroom, would you hold off on having that midday beer?

How do you respond to being watched?