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Beechly Gives His Trump Speech

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Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th district – all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings constituents!

As the district thaws out for spring 2016, I’m encouraged to see many of our residents still honoring the tradition of having a contest around when the ice will ultimately leave their local lake.

Once my dad and his friends dragged a broken-down 1940 Studebaker Champion out about a quarter mile from shore to see how long it would take for the thing to drop.

But that was back in the day when nobody would complain if you tossed a car in the water and left it there.

We don’t do that kind of oil-slicked, gravity-based, gambling anymore, but I’ve been running into a lot of people lately who want to know the same thing about Donald Trump – as in: “He’s big, he’s an eyesore, he’s been sitting way out there for a long, long time – when is he finally going to disappear beneath the waves?”

I’ve been around elections far too long to feel OK predicting the political demise of anyone.  Oh, demise comes to all politicians, but just like comedy, timing is the key!

Recently, the Republican Party establishment has been outspoken about trying to hasten the end of the Trump candidacy, with no real effect.

I think people are beginning to realize that Trump is a NEW kind of political animal – one that feeds on our scorn!   It used to be that pure, focused criticism destroyed careers.   The most successful kind of politician tried to be loved by virtually everybody and negative comments ate away at their support.   Donald Trump has turned that equation on its head.  You can’t defeat Trump by disapproving of him because that just makes him stronger.  Attention is the fuel he runs on, so the only way to weaken him is to pretend that he is boring!

That’s why, whenever I see Trump on one of my many screens, I force myself to yawn.

At first it felt odd, but it became easier and now it’s almost automatic.  I’m actually starting to think he IS boring.

I’m not saying it will change things overnight, but in the same way children work to save Tinker Bell by clapping, I think we can send Trump back into the  murky depths of Lake  Biggity with a coordinated,  open-mouthed, closed-eyed campaign.

Like internet cat videos, yawning is contagious and potentially viral.  And even if it doesn’t change the election,  it might help distressed Americans get the rest they so desperately need!

What popular fascination do you find boring?  

 

Poems, Science

Brain Sex Science

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I was delighted to learn last week that after scientists conducted a close examination of the one sexual body part no one obsesses over, it was concluded that human brains are not distinctly male or female.

That’s right  – no real difference.  Both sexes come to the dance with the same basic between-the-ears equipment.

When I revealed this to Trail Baboon sing-song poet laureate Tyler Schuyler Wyler, he swept out of the room with no comment and tromped up the stairs to his tiny garrett.

I couldn’t tell if he was hurt, angry or inspired.  Until he appeared several hours later with this:

A research shelf is where they sat.
The bottled brains of May and Matt.
Who once, in life, met in a bar.
Now side-by-side, each in a jar.

Their first encounter didn’t last –
an opportunity both passed.
But in the lab, a perfect date.
Paired up by color, size and weight.

The lab assistants, on a whim,
located hair for she and him.
On the containers, fitted snug,
A girly wig. A manly rug.

The hair was fluffed and teased and plump.
They called them “Marilyn” and “Trump”
And everyone enjoyed the laughs
of brain jar hairstyles, over glass.

But years went by as well they must
The jars and wigs collected dust
Experiments were rather rare
for brains floating beneath fake hair

Until the lids came off one day.
They lifted out both Matt and May
and placed them in sink to drain.
That’s a big deal for an old brain.

With samples taken, back they went.
To their containers, both were sent.
Except no one had thought to ask
which brain belonged inside which flask.

But still they float inside their jars.
Which brain is Venus, and which Mars
has not been proven to this day –
without the wig and the toupee. 

Describe your favorite headgear.