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Department of NO

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Here’s the flip side of yesterday’s discussion about saying lovely things that people want to hear.

That Guy In The Hat revealed the following bit of information about his role at work:

I am “The Department of No.” I’m the guy that has said to co-workers, “Reality is over here waving ‘hello’ to you. Come join us for a while and then you can go back to where you live.” I’m not a terribly popular person.

Just as it is exceedingly pleasant to deliver the good news that parking is FREE, it can be demoralizing to be forced to play the Messenger of No. I avoid doing it whenever possible, and I know I’m not alone. At the Fringe Festival, venue managers have to stand firm as they enforce the festival’s No Late Seating rule. Rumor has it that harsh words have been exchanged and tears have been shed over this simple regulation.

And yet sometimes “No” is a very useful thing to hear because it can focus your attention. When I was a high school freshman, I wrote a homecoming skit to represent our class at a pep rally competition, but after watching one rehearsal the faculty advisor refused to let us perform it. There was something about the tone and approach that was so wrong he said he would rather that we offer no skit at all than present the one we had prepared. It would hardly matter, he noted, since the juniors or seniors were bound to take first prize anyway. As writer/director, that ticked me off. I had one night to re-write and one morning to rehearse the cast and get approval before we performed our bit for the whole school.

We won, of course.

I doubt that would have happened without a necessary kick in the pants from the Department of No.

When has the word “no” been a blessing in disguise?

61 thoughts on “Department of NO”

  1. in the 80’s my business was going fine i was on top of the world and then one week two days apart my number one and number two companies both made changes and took all the business for themselves. 80% of the income was gone and i hated the guys who made the decision to make the changes and leave me in the dust. i had to start over from scratch and learn how to grind out a living with my back against the wall. it was exhausting and i swore i would learn and never do it again. i was right is was exhausting and i have only had to do it three more times since then. business is more than a little cut throat. security is only for the insecure i always say.
    you are right dale it sure does feel good each time you escape the grim reaper and find a new better way to skin a cat.
    when i was getting started and listening to some of my first motovational speakers they would say “if you haven’t failed, you haven’t pushed it hard enough.” just like edison, i haven’t failed i have just found 10,000 ways not to make a light bulb.
    off to idaho, no internet till thursday night.

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  2. Rise and Swim Babooners:

    I am just back from the morning walk. I would like to say NO to this weather–not my kind of day.

    The Department of NO is a heavy load, whether you are giving it or taking it. It also makes me think of all those roads not taken: the boyfriend I did not marry who became an alcoholic in adulthood, the job I did not get, the music major I did not pursue, the things I did not allow my son or step-daughter to get away with, the bad treatment I would not take from my Mother-in-law. Frequently I think it takes courage to say no, then make it stick.

    Someone once told me that as a parent she only said NO when there was no other way–she considered herself to be only one of her children’s teachers. I tried to follow that as a parent when possible and safe, and now in other roles.

    It helps a lot when you must be the Department of NO, to understand that there are other forces who will provide NO.

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  3. i don’t mind hearing “no” – i really value honest opinion and someone brave enough to express it (kindly, of course). i wish i had the courage to say no more often. i guess i value in others what i can’t do myself. i’ll say yes and then grump about it, which is way worse.
    i agree about the failure thing, Tim. i’ve often told friends that i am not intimidated by failure. certainly am not brilliant nor do i do things that well, but i’m not afraid to try something new. (did cower in salaried positions my entire professional life though)
    good luck to the ball team and the driver!
    off to a busy day

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  4. As a mother of 4 and often the one who assumes the role of “bad cop” in the parenting team, I get to issue more no’s than I would care to do.

    My 15 year old son recently pointed out, however, that because I didn’t purchase an exercise bike because my husband said no to helping me bring it home on my whim was the reason I became a long distance runner. 🙂

    Good morning, everyone.

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  6. Good Morning to All Including the Rejected,

    I have a huge file of rejections for jobs I tried to get and have a fairly long list of temporary jobs or jobs that didn’t last too long. That’s a lot of no. It really has made for an interesting life, but not a very profitable one. I am not suffering too much, but it would have been nice to have done better financially. I supose that all the no messages did make for an interesting time which might have been much less interesting if I had been able to find a good job that lasted, but there would probably also have been many benefits from having a long lasting good paying job.

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  7. I was told “No” by all the graduate programs I applied to except the one at the University of Manitoba. What a blessing, since I got a great and very inexpensive education, a wonderful husband, and a premature baby who got terrific medical care that didn’t bankrupt us.

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  8. On Sunday, August 25, 2002, while listening to Kate Bush on CD, the word NO, firmly and forcefully used, combined with my full physical strength, saved my dignity and my life.

    Women are naturally inclined to Yes. We want to give, provide, nurture. We like to make sure the other person is happy and well. We have to learn to say No. I learned that day and I’m not afraid to use it anymore. Now I just work every day on saying Yes again.

    And that’s all I have to say about that.

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  9. Morning–

    Our township had about 18% turn out yesterday for elections… was hot– ‘natural AC’ at our old one room school of a town hall… but a nice breeze and all the important papers held down with rocks.

    This morning a landscaping crew arrived at 7:45 so I have been out supervising them already. I got a better price if I help so I’ll be out there most of the day… personally I would have said ‘No, let’s pick a better day for this’ but they didn’t ask me…

    I have probably said ‘No’ or even ‘NO!’ more than I’ve been told No… Hmmm, I wonder what would have been if I’d been told ‘no’ more often? …that’s almost scary to imagine.
    See ya–

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  10. Once again, Dale, you have provided a question which could lead me in many directions. My fellow baboons have already blazed some of the trails, so I will go with the first big No of my life.

    I had focussed my young life on getting good grades in school, to get scholarships and go to college. Yes, did that. When I got to college, I declared myself as a bio-major, pre-med track. I worked at that and was going right along, when I got hit with a disheartening charm my Junior year (about MCAT time)- I really have no better explanation for it. But I soldiered on, as I knew no other way. Did ok on the MCAT, had ok grades for admission.

    As I understand it, the medical school process at that time was to go through the stack of applicants, choose who you really want and really don’t , send out the letters and leave a middle pool. This goes through several cycles. By the timing of my rejection letter, I got tossed on the final cut.

    For the first time in my life, I did not know EXACTLY what to do. There was no charted path.

    I share Jim’s ambivalence about this. The floundering was long and painful. I might still be a mother today, but not of the wonderful s&h. I might have had equally wonderful experiences to those I have had, or not.

    I tend to take Voltaire’s line from Candide (as paraphrased in the musical)-“Had they lived, who knows what worse fate might have befallen them”.

    Things happen as they happen, I believe, for a reason-regret is a waste of time, response is everything.

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    1. Yes, Madislandgirl, it is hard to say what would have happen if things had been different, any step in another direction would changed many other things. I certainly didn’t enjoy the rejections, but I did find every job, no matter how temporary, interesting and have many stories to tell that I treasure. However, I have a family and they could have used a little more income from me some times.

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    5. nice to have you back elinor. love the new time before time series. the others are wonderful too but the new stuff is very strong.

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  12. When I was laid off from my job last fall, I was crushed because it was my first “real” job after college. After being unemployed for 6 months, finding my current job was a relief. Working here is way better. I’m glad that I was told there was “no work” for me. It actually helped being jobless for so long after knee surgery. I was able to stay off my knee and keep it elevated and I was able to go to physical therapy as often was needed (without feeling guilty for leaving work). It would have been a lot more difficult if I was employed.

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  13. Some of the most memorable “nos” in my life are too personal to discuss here. And it is hard to talk about them with much confidence. Each no becomes a Road Not Taken, and we can guess at what our lives would have been like if we had taken those roads, but we don’t know, do we? Hindsight really isn’t 20-20 because we only know what happened as a consequence of the path we took. We will never–no matter how we speculate–know what the other paths would have led to.

    Even so, I’m struck by how many times something awful happens that is later seen as a blessing in disguise. My father was denied a raise and increase in status in a job he had. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. But it motivated him to leave a dead-end job and start his own business. And that improved his life in more ways than he could have counted. (Not least among the blessings was that he was able to escape Iowa and move UP to Minnesota!)

    The biggest no in my life was when my former wife (of 31 years) said “no” to the 32nd year. Whether that turns out to be a blessing or curse is something I am learning each day. Catherine’s right: “response is everything.”

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    1. Steve, the end of long-term marriages are so hard, and mysterious to outsiders and usually one of the couple. Took a parishioner and a friend through it, or tired to, supporting for more than two years in both cases. Despite that I have no idea how I would cope with it. Sigh. Sorry.

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  14. Interesting to see a maturation step in Dale’s life; I am sure I am not the only one who can see this event in your life, Dale, impacting the Dale Connelly we know.

    This is an interesting question for me. Trying to think of a significant second distinct “No” that I have received, ever. The “No’s” in my life are “No’s” nature or fate or genes or society or whatever have given me. Such as learning that I have not the level of writing talent or art talent to do anything professional with them. I never got rejected; never got that far; just knew enough to see how what I did would not stack up to others. Not complaining; glad to have learned it. Some would say that I should have pressed on and worked hard. I have never bought the philosophy that “you can be anything you want to be.” The greats at anything have many gifts, the talent, the will, the dedication, the lack of fear, and very high self-knowledge about that part of themselves. In a lot of ways I did not hear a “no” for many things I did in life, such as being a high risk-taker as a teacher. But there I was a risk-taker and a perfectionist, a bad combination in many ways, which by the way the Meyers-Briggs did show. But I think great composers, artists etc, are that combination, and so may be the second-rate too.

    The one “no” in my life, like so many, was a break-up with a girlfriend the summer before college. It was rejection more than loss of the relationship that was devastating, as I see now. But, as she saw, it would have been a very poor match and would never have survived a 1500 mile separation. So yes, that was a very good “No.” Interestingly our lives have kept crossing, to my wife’s discomfort. Two of several instances: 1) We ended up with our first teaching jobs, purely by chance, only 20 miles apart despite being in two states. 2) About 12 years ago she signed up for a long-term series of workshops through her regional coop, which proved to be a program which my partner and I taught, but my name was on none of the materials.

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  15. Remember Schoolhouse Rock’s ‘Constitution Preamble’? In two parts there’s a hand that comes slamming down with a giant stamp and marks it ‘OK’ and ‘Right On.’ And if you’ve ever seen the movie ‘Top Secret,’ where the evil Nazi general is handed a telegram that says that an allied spy has escaped, he leisurely scans his desk before gingerly selecting a rubber stamp and marking it, ‘Find Him and Kill Him.’

    I’d like a series of digital rubber stamps, like watermarks across emails, that say things like, ‘Crazy,’ ‘Dangerous,’ and ‘Are you off your meds?’

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    1. Imagine these instead of the “good”, “fabulous,” or “needs more work” stickers that teachers sometimes put on kids’ homework… 🙂

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      1. I had a few stamps actually. Napoleon once said something about how powerfully you could motivate aoldiers for a bit of ribbon (wonder if that is true). My HS students used to work quite hard to get a stamp of a cartoon character looking proud.

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    2. I’ve always wanted a stamp for some e-mails that looked like a crumpled up wad of paper and said, “REFUSED-RETURN TO SENDER.”

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      1. Oooh! Great idea, Krista! Especially the horrible junk mail that worms its way into e-mail. IMHO, the best outcome would be if that crumpled piece of paper had the power to scramble and thwart any other junk mail coming from that specific sender.

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    3. i alway kind of like it when your crazy dangerous off you med comments pop up. always to see what the other half thinks. the NO stamp would get a lot of use huh?

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  16. I used to have a stamp that said “Beam me up, Scotty, there are no signs of intelligent life down here.” It fits many of your purposes. I would on occassion stamp a student’s paper with it, but being very careful. I think I explained on here once how my son tried and succeeded in getting that stamp. I once did it on a memo and sent it backed. My boss was not amused. It was kind of like sliding down a plane exir ramp.

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  17. Dale, I think this line od TGITH’s belongs in Rhyme Wave
    I’d like a series of digital rubber stamps, like watermarks across emails, that say things like, ‘Crazy,’ ‘Dangerous,’ and ‘Are you off your meds?’

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  18. Great comments today – interesting question Dale. Like others, many Nos have been blessings, or as much as I can decipher from my various life routes.

    Movie recommendation that relates: Sliding Doors, with Gwyneth Paltrow (and that Scottish or Welsh guy from Four Weddings and a Funeral). Follows GP’s character on two plot tracks based on whether or not she caught a certain subway train in London. All about the chance happenings/choices/etc. that help shape our paths. Highly recommend it on dvd.

    Steve thanks for sharing the personal story of the 31st year. Same thing happened between my parents after 33 and it’s no fun for anyone. The blessings, if present, are often disguised for a really long time. Sigh is right.

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    1. John Hannah, a name thast somehow does not fit him, so I had to look it up. He is good. Yes, interesting movie.

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  19. My mother has a wonderful knack of finding the positive in the when No occurs. I really think it has contributed to her longevity in the face of a chronic illness (MS). She is 87 and still walking and driving.

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  20. There were a few jobs I wanted and didn’t get, and one boyfriend where I now clearly see that wouldn’t have been so hot. But the big No in my life has been our son dying about 3 years ago. The universe saying “No, you don’t get years 27 – …?, must be satisfied with the 26 yrs. you had him. I hesitate to bring it up here because I don’t want to bum everyone out. But Husband and I both seem to have been given something that has allowed us to accept it, support from great friends and family, and I have no doubt that we will someday look back and see any number of things that were possible because of losing Joel.

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    1. Losing a child must be about the worst thing ever, and your post shows how great your spirits had to become to get through it.

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    2. Tough one. But I am not bummed out. Below is my release for such a burden.
      “I know from experience that nothing is ever the same after the death of child no matter how old the child. But you do eventually move on to a different place.” A woman said that to me after I did pulpit supply in church where the congregation found out just before I started the service that their pastors three-year-old son die in a operation to fix his heart.
      Jacque said this topic belongs in “Deep Thoughts,” but maybe it belongs more in a file about emotions than thoughts, althought brain research is saying the distinction between rationality and emotions is an illusion.

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    3. Thanks, Clyde & Renee – It seems ok to share it today as others are also mentioning some of the hard stuff. I always learn something from telling about Joel.
      Here’s a poem by my friend Barbara McAfee that she read at the memorial –it pretty much sums up how we feel.

      On Being a Carrot in God’s Garden

      You can be sure the hand will pull you from the ground.
      You can be sure.
      No matter how longlingly the earth presses against you,
      No matter how sweet the mineral sips at the tips of your roots,
      No matter how comfortable your somnolent, unchanging days,
      When you are ripe, you will be taken.

      In this slumbering time,
      in this tiny, dark cradle,
      you cannot imagine sky
      or the clouds who splatter the surface above,
      or even the green lace of your own intricate leaves.

      When the hand comes,
      may your flesh be sweet in surrender.
      When the soil falls away from your snapping roots,
      may you slide easy into the light.
      When you lie naked in the basket,
      may the hand rub the last soil from your skin
      and carry you — singing and fresh —
      straight to the mouth of God.

      © Barbara McAfee
      barbaramcafee.com

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  21. I Had Not Before Noticed Her Not Noticing These Things Before.

    She is still the Full Moon and North Star of my night
    and the Sun and Crescent Moon of my day.

    But her body has slumped into the disease,
    driven on by the medicines which fight it and yet ravage her.
    She sleeps when she would wish to be awake.
    She wakes when she would wish to be asleep.
    She cannot do all that once she did and would wish to do still.
    To ask me to do the tasks I do not know to do
    but am willing to do when she asks—
    but to ask me is to acknowledge she cannot
    and that the disease is taking her,
    ever thinking she is hiding the changes
    from me and her and all the others
    with the words that are a mantra, a prayer,
    an offering to God and others:
    “I’m just fine.”

    And now her mind, which had been slowly slipping down the hill
    Has gained momentum and begins a more rapid descent.
    The checkbook defeats her,
    Preparation for a Bible study saps her nerve.
    To answer letters takes all her will,
    For fear, I suppose, of what friends may sense.

    On a drive we have driven many times before
    she says,
    “I did not notice that odd house before.”
    “I love that house, why have I not noticed it before.”
    “What a pretty yard, why have I not noticed it before.”
    I had not before noticed her not noticing these things before.

    Our road ahead will be, we both see, a hard road to travel.
    But she will stay my Sun and North Star and Moon in all stages.

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    5. you do an especially good job of noticing clyde. my mom looked after my dad for a long time and when he finally passed she began to notice she needed a little something too. it is hard but is really the only thing you can do. there are no other options in many cases.
      keep up the writing . it is truly a gift

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  22. During my more active years of set design and construction, I got good at the creative “no.” I found that I got a better, and often more productive, reaction if I gave options that lead the requester to saying “no” to themselves (I know, very passive-aggressive-Minnesotan). I had one director who was prone to asking for things during tech week, often requests that should have been made before I started building – once the request was to move a whole wall and door. I put on my nicest smile and told her, “well, yes, I *could* do that, but here are the things I will not get done if I make that change for you.” She could see for herself then, that the correct answer was “no.” I have found a similar technique works well with Darling Daughter.

    I have been told “no” several times – many, ultimately, with good effect, even if I didn’t like it to start.

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    1. Anna – Husband used that tactic at work (mainframe maintance) when they kept piling on more projects — he’d just go into his supervisor with his list and ask Mr. S. to help him prioritize them.

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  24. I just read yesterday’s blog (a little behind times). We were at the U on Sunday but did not see you. We went to see a show at Rarig that a friend wrote but it was sold out so we had walked a ways from the free street parking only to be sent away. My husband tried again to see it on Monday but was told no because he was a half a minute late. sigh. There have been many nos in my life. I applied for two positions at the same place. I really wanted the one but came in second. The person who got it left after 3 months because she said it was boring. I accepted the other position and have been here for 12 years and still find it interesting. Fate/ some Higher Power must have been watching out for me.

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  26. Some of the beautiful prose and poetry you guys post here leaves me in awe.

    Thank you all so much for being part of this lovely, thoughtful experience.

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