The following very stern and threatening e-mail appeared overnight.
Mr. Connelly,
The Federal Office Overseeing Launch of Useful Superstitions (FOOLUS) received notification that your blog registered several “Superstition Promotion Attempts Made” (SPAM) citations yesterday, September 16.
It should not be necessary to remind you that under federal law, inventing, promoting or attempting to sustain a superstitious belief or idea among the general populace is a Felony, unless you have been granted a Certification Of Falsehood Fabrication and Instigation Note (COFFIN) from your local FOOLUS office.
There is no such COFFIN on file for your SPAM.
FOOLUS is the sole federal agency charged with designing and propagating superstitious beliefs that serve the public welfare. We are the authors of “Step on a Crack and Break Your Mother’s Back”. We approved it to reduce wear and tear on public sidewalks, thus saving taxpayer money. This superstition also promotes an attitude of love and concern for mothers, which is widely viewed as a societal good.
We also did a complete Environmental Impact Statement on “If you put shoes on a table, it will bring bad luck.” We examined the possibility of germ propagation that could come from table shoeing, and we measured the cost per annum in lost sole leather from spurious shoe movement. We finally approved this superstition for reasons of health, conservation, and on the theory that one of the signs of an advanced, healthy society is simply that there are no shoes sitting on the table.
Every superstition we endorse and promote serves a purpose, but these beliefs are never implemented until all the ramifications are considered. I hope you understand the importance of this procedure and the potential damage that could be done by a superstition that is launched without proper vetting.
Yesterday, users of your blog attempted to start the following superstition:
If you text and drive, you will become pregnant.
This belief has not undergone the type of thorough scrutiny that is necessary for introduction of such a serious superstition. While you may have thought the spread of this idea would reduce texting and driving, you failed to consider the many, many Americans who are eager to become pregnant, and who would immediately start behaving recklessly behind the wheel if your superstition became widely accepted.
FOOLUS is issuing a “cease and desist” order for your blog. If you do not disavow the statements made yesterday, there will be serious consequences, indeed.
Sincerely and seriously,
Preston Finebottom
Upper Midwest Regional Director
FOOLUS
Honestly, I do NOT believe texting and driving will make you pregnant, though it could cause other serious problems. I did not know the government reviewed superstitions and promoted those that are thought to serve a social good. That’s outrageous! I would object strenuously, but I am afraid I might be accused of trying to promote a falsehood.
But really, please don’t spread it around about texting and pregnancy. It’s just not true.
If it was your job to create Useful Superstitions, what would you write?
Trail Baboon 
wow, Dale – maybe you can get a government job. you are really good at acronyms! (and funny, too – thanks)
my superstition? if, on a friday, you hear or read the words “13-lined pocket squirrel” it will be a fabulous weekend.
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if you treat someone unkindly it will return to you 100 fold.
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mr finebottom was johnny on the spot this morning. he is very tuned in to the things going on in the world around him. has he not noticed the people texting around him and considered that the fertility rates among youth may be affected by the type of device they are texting on? i believe the i phone has a built in charge for birthcontrol texting listed on the bill. that may not be exactly what it is called but if you will look closely it is there. samsung has it on their smart phones but not the older more standard models. i think mr finebottom may want to check his facts before he goes about casting aspersions. the girl next door to me ( she just moved in) is 7 months pregnant and they are pretty sure it happed while texting. she was using someone elses phone and assumed it was protected. well there lies the problem. never assume. maybe thats what mr finebottom ought be rallying around. never assume.
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do any of you know pregnant people? check to see if they texted about the time they became pregnant. i think you will be convinced.
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One of my office mates recently had a baby. She texts all the time. I don’t know if her husband was pregnant or not. He texts, too. But they had a baby August 6.
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Jacque: Finebottom has it turned around. If you get pregnant, you will text while driving. I’m sure of it. And that explains everything.
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Oh, what power—to create a superstition! There are so many:
• If you oversleep your alarm by more than 15 minutes it means you are too sick and tired to go to work that day and something bad will happen if you attempt to go in.
• If you sign any kind of loan agreement while wearing underwear with crossed fingers on it, attempting to repay the loan will cause economic disaster. (Perhaps we are seeing the effects of this right now, and I’m attempting to create the superstition too late to save the world economy!)
Which raises an interesting question: Is it superstition if it’s true?
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quick throw some salt over your shoulder and turn around three times to avoid world economy disaster with that entry laurel
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Laurel: you have underwear decorated with crossed fingers? You are one kinky gal! My first assumption about that would be that it has nothing to do with loans and everything to do with vows of marital fidelity. I wonder how you could test it out.
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Rise and Shine Babooners:
Recently I became aware that participating on a blog facilitates weight gain.
I read it on the internet. I know it is true.
More later. My finger are too fat to type more. Gotta eat something.
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OMG, Just thought of something. I’ve gained a little weight lately. Also got a text plan so I can communicate with the younger set. I never text while driving. I can hardly text sitting still looking at the phone. BUT….
WHAT IF I”M PREGNANT?
Oldest blogger gives birth at 57 years of age after hysterectomy!!!!
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if you are using one of the new i phones i think you are ok but read your plan
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Yes, read your plan. If it is AT&T, you are probably safe, as the pregnancy will unexpectedly be dropped. Viacom? You better start shopping for a stroller and some Nuk pacifiers.
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Be careful there are medical case reports of pregnancy after hyterectomy 😦
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Is there a ‘morning after’ headphone?
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Just so you are all very clear about your roles. If there is a baby baboon in the oven, you will all be Aunt or Uncle Blevins Baboon. But given my advanced age, there will be a morning after headphone!
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any public place of service that intentionally or unintentionally allows one of its prime service providers to be displaced will lose its president within 1 year.
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good one, tim!
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Not supporting health care for all will make YOU sick.
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very good patricia
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continual and abusive self texting will make your headphones fall off
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too funny! (will it lead to vision loss as well?)
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Tim: can I just do it until I need glasses?
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if your fingertips don’t grow hair first
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Too late, too late!
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you too?
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in politics here are some good superstitions to follow. any political figure discovered to be coloring the truth to make it appear better for them will be raised up to the pinnacle of model behavior. any public figure found to be refiguring the truth to serve their purposes will be raised to the pinnacle of policy making. any political figure found to be void of truth at all will be named the carl rove think tank person of the month. praise the lord, build the fences higher, send out the rebate check and kiss the babies, bless their hearts. name him jim
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Wow, this one is amazing, Dale!
Re-arranging the furniture in the whole house will make you lose weight. A lot of weigh. Fast. (I’m testing this one out as we speak.)
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If you don’t clean your room, you will never get a date. See a pug, have good luck all day. Nothing good in state government can happen on a Wednesday. If you want a terrier to follow, run the other way.
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Having a terrier in the house, I know that is not a superstition.
It is a fact.
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See, all these things contain a kernel of truth.
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are terriers and goats related?
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My terrier has a beard and likes to jump and climb.
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Morning–
I shared with my family the blog question this morning but they got distracted by the acronyms and didn’t give me any help on the main issue…
How about ‘Driving like an idiot will guarantee a car full of skunks the next morning’?
or
‘If one more person disturbs me while I’m trying to get something done, all their hair will— ‘
….wait, there’s somebody here…
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perfect
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If you reload the same page in several browsers eventually the coding error will fix itself? (That would be useful for me today.)
Or how about: eating chocolate any Friday that has at least one number in the date brings weight loss, wealth and a new pair of shoes? (Though you should not place the shoes on a table within the first week as this will reverse the effects of the chocolate.)
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I come in late, and look what you all have already done.
This all is just flying in the face of common sense, not to mention media worry-mongering. I thought all this virtual stuff was what was to blame for the falling birth rate.
BUT if Jacque has a baby on board from texting I just have to accept the truth of it and get my needles going on a Baby Surprise Jacket (download the pattern here:
http://www.knitting-and.com/wiki/Baby_Surprise_Jacket
for the newest baboon.
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holey, moley, MIG! that’s a cool pattern – thanks!
but if one can get pregnant from texting without headphones, can one get STDs as well? icky.
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You are most welcome, barb.
as to the STDs-I think that probably wouldn’t happen, at least not if you get an immaculate connection.
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…. immaculate connection….
LIKE!
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OT, but I just loooked my window and we are having light snow.
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Oh no, say it isn’t true.
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I’m afraid its true. The roofs are white, there is 1/2 inch on the ground, and we are in a freeze warning. We had to cover dahlias and harvest the basil and hops.
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That ain’t right. It’s September! Yeesh. Didn’t the snow get the memo about it not even being officially fall yet?
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