Former legitimate journalist-turned-sensationalist Bud Buck has another dispatch for us today.
Dog’s Chew Toy Discovered in Space
by Bud BuckNASA released photographs yesterday that clearly reveal a roughed-up dog’s rawhide chew toy flying through space.
Scientists controlling the Deep Impact spacecraft repeatedly asserted that the object is a comet named “Hartley 2”, and that it was discovered by an Australian 24 years ago. But Alice Crumholtz of Inver Grove Heights Minnesota called a press conference yesterday afternoon to claim that the object is in fact a beloved toy that actually belongs to her dog, “Bailey”.
“I was certain he’d buried it in the yard last year,” Ms. Crumholtz told reporters. “Every now and then I’d feel under a sofa cushion or look behind a chair, hoping I’d find it because he looked so sad without that raggedy thing in his mouth. He carried it with him everywhere he went. Slept with it. Chewed on it so loud sometimes I couldn’t hear Glenn Beck over all the racket. I prayed it would turn up somehow, and now here it is!”
Ms. Crumholtz offered no detailed explanation for how her dog’s favorite chew toy might have been launched into deep space, though she does believe the causes are political.
“That Obama government wants to take over everything,” she said. “It doesn’t surprise me that they came after Bailey’s favorite chew because he would gag on it every now and then. That’s “The Nanny State”. They think they’ve got all the money in the world and it’s OK to launch a poor dog’s toy into orbit just to keep him from getting a chunk of it stuck in his throat. Bailey is a damn fool and if he doesn’t get something wedged in there he’ll never learn to slow down. We can’t afford this type of meddling!”
Officials at NASA adamantly denied that the object is Bailey’s chew.
“There is no scientific purpose to be served by sending a canine’s toy that far out there,” said Laird Undercroft, spokesman for NASA’s Rumor Control Division. “Our budget is much too tight to build any missions around a game of keep-away.”
“The thing was gross,” Ms. Crumholtz responded when told of NASA’s statement. “Putting something that nasty and butt-ugly out in space would have all kinds of sciency good reasons that they can’t tell us about because it’s top secret.”
“There are no secrets,” countered NASA’s Undercroft. “Besides, the thing is throwing off sparks and cyanide gas. What kind of dog’s toy does that?”
“It was made in China,” was Crumholtz’s reply. “I’m sure it’s got all sorts of bad stuff in it but so what? Bailey loved the damn thing.”
Crumholtz is demanding that NASA mount a rescue mission to retrieve the object, and that the president issue a formal apology to her dog. NASA refused to dignify the request with a response, though Bo Obama is rumored to be considering a toy sharing arrangement in the misguided hope that it might set a conciliatory tone for the next two years.
This is Bud Buck!
Clearly, Bud is exhausted from election night coverage and is simply trying to fill out the week with whatever juicy nearby item he can sink his teeth into. Though whenever I can’t find something I’m looking for, meddlesome big government is always my first assumption.
What missing object are you still hoping to find?
Trail Baboon 
oh dear, there are too many to mention. i had a nice scissor out in the barn that i used to cut bale twine…… really liked that one.
a gracious good morning to You All
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I think those scissors were probably “borrowed” to make Halloween costumes. Once they have wrapped their gifts and decorated the barn with enough paper snowflakes, you’ll probably get them back. You might have to wait until after Valentine’s Day.
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I seem to have lost the better part of this year. If Jacque can find a missing book on the bookshelf and Steve can locate missing socks in the sock drawer, where should I look for most of 2010?
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Besides the assorted socks and nail clippers? Well, every darn thing about which I’ve ever said “I’ll put it here so I remember where it is.”!!
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I love it, Sherrilee! My mom got an unexpected $20 once. She made a big announcement about putting it in a very special safe place. Well, it was safe. That was in 1957, and we’re still lookin’ for it.
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When I moved out of my very first house, I found $100 in twenties stuck between the pages of Das Kapital. I thought I was so funny when I put that money in there a few years earlier and then promptly forgot about it. Very glad I didn’t put that book in the garage sale pile the month before!
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Kapitalist pig. 😉
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Do you mean what would I most like to find after the obvious? I would be so happy to be reunited with my possum rug, but it has been under grapefruit peels, baby diapers and coffee grounds in a landfill in central Iowa for half a century. It wasn’t very pretty before all of that, so maybe this is a case where I should watch out what I wish for.
After that . . . well, I’d love to find my canoe. Some scum-sucking, bottom-feeding, mother-dissing, stinky-footed, mouth-breathing, beer-breathed, cross-eyed, sexually dysfunctional, cretinous cheesehead stole it from its berth beside my cabin. I’m not angry. Heck, it was just a canoe, my wedding anniversary canoe. No big deal. But some day I’m going to recognize that canoe sitting by some lowlife’s garage and it will be a sweet pleasure to steal it back and leave a big pool of yellow liquid where it had been.
Ach! Forgive me, baboons. This is the effect Tony Sutton has on my sweet disposition.
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You and Mr. Sutton seem to have exactly one thing in common-a confusion of the words “lost” and “stolen”. That election was lost, not stolen. Your canoe was stolen, not lost.
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Oh, what a friend you are! It isn’t even 8 AM and I’ve been compared to Tony Sutton. Just what I need to put the perfect touch on my mood. You really know how to hurt a guy.
Hmmmm, I wonder if HE took my canoe. Took. Stole. Absconded with. Filched. Ripped off.
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anyone who can wield the phrase “absconded with” at 7:14am can probably take it.
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This is a great exchange– Love it!
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Tony Sutton: “We’re not going to get rolled again…”
Translation: “You thought the last recount was bad…”
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Good morning and good luck finding your lost stuff,
There are undoubtly lots of things I have lost, but I can’t remember what they are. I certainly would like to blame the government for something I have lost from time to time, my sanity. I do realize that I will have take the responsibility for keeping track of my sanity. I think some of the people in government do bear a little responsibility for the trouble I have keeping track of my sanity.
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I’ll bet Tony Sutton stole your sanity. There’s something about his eyes. He probably paddled up to your house in my stolen canoe, chucked your sanity in a canvas bag and hightailed it out of there.
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Maybe that picture isn’t a dog’s chew toy – maybe it’s an oddly shaped duffle bag full of stolen canoes and purloined sanity.
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did big government take most of my 2010, or was that just the election?
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Steve, I haven’t been keeping up with the latest in “wonderful” political activities. After doing a little checking on Tony Sutton, I can see why you think he might be involved in my problems with keeping track of my sanity. If I get started on discussing some of the statements that I hear were made by Sutton, I probably will need to start searching for my sanity. If what you suspect is correct, Steve, at least I will know where to look for it.
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ok, we discussed this at breakfast and have now got it all worked out. Certain politicians suck the sanity right out of your brain. They then feed it into the sanity-insanity converter (and I know you are wondering, at this time, there IS NOT a reverse switch on that thing) and spread the resulting insanity upon the unsuspecting populace. Now you know. Be advised.
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MIG – you are too FUNNY! Good luck finding 2010.
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I can get behind this. What does the ‘Sanity Sucker’ convert it into?
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Insanity. Like I said, no reverse switch on that bad boy either. Once the sanity converts to insanity, it is stuck that way.
Another cautionary tale of why you should never unleash something if you don’t also have the antidote.
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Well, I certainly can’t deny it. I obviously missed something. When did being mean, spiteful, and generally a horrible person become, not only a desirable trait, but one that is applauded and rewarded? How did that happen?
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When Rush Limbaugh became a talk radio host.
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oh dear! oh dear! There is really coffee all over my keyboard!
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I seem to have lost my youthful enthusiasm – though that may be just lack of sleep (up too late at the opera last night). Some days I feel like I may have lost my faith in humanity, but you folks are pretty good in helping me find that when it goes astray.
Now, if I could find the three pairs of needle nose pliers, assortment of drill bits (including the nice magnetic driver bit I had), and the hammer that recently went missing that I’ve had since college, that would be good, too.
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The hammer will see the error of its ways and come back (speaking from grad school crescent wrench experience here). Kiss the needle-nose pliers good-bye, those things just run away on their little bowed-legs, they have no loyalty.
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MIG, you really are in rare form today! 🙂
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now that you mention it …my youthful enthusiasm seems to be missing also. hadn’t even noticed til you brought it up. i wonder what else might be missing (thats your cue baboons)
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Everyone’s youthful enthusiasms are living on a commune in the catacombs underneath Paris. That’s why they have most of those catacombs blocked off.
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your spell checker?
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Your kids aren’t building a tree house by chance are they??
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they still give me crap because i told them we should build a tree house and then we didn’t. than and not buying the rv when we went to the rv show. i told em to pick the one they liked and be sure why they liked it best then i didn’t buy it. they still havn’t forgiven me.
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Ben – Daughter knows enough to ask before using my tools. It’s Husband who uses them without asking for weird things (like using my good vice grips to pull volunteer tree roots).
Besides, I’m the one building the club house right now…(for Daughter, who is, after all, only 6, and not allowed to use Mommy’s power tools yet). I’m thinking once the club house is done, it will be a swell place to hide from the world when I need to.
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Those tree roots really call for a weed wrench. More effective than vise grips. As a bonus, the weed wrench is bright orange and nearly impossible to lose.
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you think we should just go over to suttons house and see where he put my baseball cards that dirty rat. cmon grab the pitchforks and torches and lets get him arggghhh!!!
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Oh no! If it possible Tony has made away with your sanity, tim?
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what sanity?
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No, tim! You don’t want to go to the front door with pitchforks. This is a guy perfectly set up so we can play with his mind. Visit him in the middle of the night. I’ll bet he snores like a bandsaw, so it would be safe enough. Just walk around his house rearranging things. Flip a picture over so it hangs upside down. Cover his toilet bowl with Saran Wrap. Maybe drop a little note paper with a haiku on it so he finds it on his pillow in the AM. This guy is deep into conspiracy, so that’s the way we can dissolve the glue holding him together.
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You’re implying that he is held together. Personally, I think he’s already a bit unhinged (is that mixing my metaphors?).
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fun to think about isn’t it?
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What mind?
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The last pair of prescription eyeglasses I had made cost about $200, and I promptly mislaid them. Went back to the old pair. I still cling to a hope that the new ones will turn up in a jacket pocket or something. I can’t get another pair until I’ve gotten $200 worth of utility from the wayward ones.
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thats terrible. i do that kind of stuff. i am sorry to hear i am not alone. i wouldn’t wish that on tony sutton. …. yes i would come to think of it.
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I’ll be picking up new glasses today… opted for ‘retro funky’ vs. ‘modern funky’…
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gotta see the new ben with retro funky glasses. send it to dale or post it on blevens please
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So sorry, Linda! Some day in the glorious future we are all traveling toward your glasses will have a little chip in them to let you locate them. I think we already have this for lost dogs and senior citizens.
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…did you check your forehead?…
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Have you looked under all the couch cushions?
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Over the years we have lost 8 soup spoons from our everyday set of cutlery. We got the set when we were married, and it is made of really heavy stainless steel. They have been used to dig for worms, taken on picnics and potlucks, or used for other nefarious purposes, and now we only have 4 left. The pattern has been discontinued so I have registered with a company that specializes in discontinued patterns and they inform me whenever they come across such pieces. I, too, wonder where all the scissors and nail clippers go.
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you live in a world where it matters if the soup spoons match. i’ll bet there are lots of other differences in our lives but we can put that down on the list for starters
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Oh, its just the principle of the thing. It doesn’t matter so much if they match, but I really like the way they look, along with their heft and weight. I also come from people for whom it is really important to care for and keep intact the good things that they have. Carelessness, wastefulness, and sinfulness seem to be synonymous in my family, and those missing soup spoons are a painful reminder of my personal deficiencies.
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i understand. as you will read further on i live in that house too. for some reason though spoons slip through the radar. ( i am not going to ask why)
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Renee – I’m sure your soup spoons are all in the teenager’s room. I was in there last night to fix the handle on the dresser drawer and there must be at least 50 spoons, 25 plates, 35 bowls and hundreds of cups. Ick.
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My Dad was fixing the kitchen light fixture some 20 years ago and forgot to trip the breaker. He was using a table knife as a screwdriver and touched a live wire. It left a melted spot on the knife edge. You’d think that after 20 years, someone would have tossed the ‘slag knife’ but, nope, it’s still in my folks’ drawer. And I’m usually the one to wind up with it at the table when I go up north to visit. I sense conspiracy…
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Renee, try asking any relatives or neighbors with whom you’ve shared meals. I found a smattering of our flatward across the street with my favorite french family, we’d informally shared so many meals and left them there…
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Thanks for the searching suggestions. We’ve lost them over a 27 year span covering a Canadian province and two US states. They could be anywhere in Manitoba, Indiana, or North Dakota. Its hard to serve soup to guests when you only have 4 soup spoons.
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I should also add that my parents think it is absolutey terrible to have to buy the same thing twice. In their minds you buy something once and you take care of it and if you shouldn’t need to replace it if you take approriate care of it.
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My dad once gave me a hard time because my husband and I had to replace our water heater for the second time in 10 years. On that occasion he didn’t accuse me of mistreating the water heater but told me I must have purchased the wrong one in the first place.
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Morning–
I like the ‘Dog Chew Toys In Space’ idea…. makes absolutely no sense but wouldn’t it look pretty burning up on re-entry?
My mom, when she looses something, says ‘Yehudi took it’. And the only ‘Yehudi’ I know would be ‘Yehudi Menuhin’; the violinist and my mother doesn’t know who that is. It’s one of those things; she’s just always said it; ‘Oh, I don’t know where it came from’ she’ll say…
I lost a favorite ‘adjustable wrench’ somewhere in a road case of Sesame Street stuff… I’ve lost hammers in the shop… still looking for a hitch pin from a wagon that came unhooked out in a field…
That can of money my uncle buried ‘out by the stump’ in the 1930’s… lost my hair someplace…
It’s odd; I always find stuff in the last place I look….
And then there’s this line from the show ‘Ten November’- “Things don’t just disappear. Something takes them’….
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great line ben. i will remember that one.
It’s odd; I always find stuff in the last place I look….
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of course you do, only a complete nut case would keep looking once they found it.
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You guys are jerkin’ our chain, right? When we look for something and finally find it, we quit looking. Right? So the thing is always in the last place we look!
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thats why it’s such a great line.
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That’s a great show, Ben! And what a poignant line to quote in this context.
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My adjustable wrench is the one tool I have managed to hang onto since roughly 1985. If I lost it, it would be like losing an old friend. (I know it’s mine when I’m out and about with it because the handle is spray painted blue.)
As for the “something takes them,” that is not only poignant, but was also true of one of the college theaters I worked at for several years. If the scene shop tools were missing I could pretty much guarantee that the “something” that took them was one of the art profs “borrowing” them (though, this did mean I knew where they were and could easily get them back).
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Fluorescent pink is my color of choice when marking tools… at one theater the tools migrated to the concession stand.
I am heading out the fields finally… you are all too much fun to hang out with but really; I have work to do!
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Someone else in my college theater dept. was already using fluorescent pink, so I went with turquoise blue.
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my wife is a maniac. she will not let anything get lost ever…. she will lay awake figuring out where those mislaid glasses could possibly be. reverse memorazation until she finds it. 3 days with bad sleep. no problem. go through every pocket in the house, every drawer, every nook and cranny. used to drive me nuts now i watch and try to look sympathetic about her illness. she understands i understand and i understand she understands that i understand. i used to buy those stretchy 1 dollar gloves like 20 pairs at a time. because one glove is gonna get lost for sure. since she moved in not one glove has ever been lost. my kids will go back into school and find that missing glove and miss the bus rather than come home without the glove. she is one of those people who knows where everything is. i am finishing painting the house right now (bless this october november) i spent an hour the other day figuring out where she had determined the right place for everything was. the sanders the brushed putty knives sandpaper, brushes were all exactly where they belonged and it was my job to figure out where that was. i’m preety sure tony sutton wasn’t involved in that one, it was my wife.
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Uh-oh, she is sounding a little too much like me, tim. I’m afraid Husband would totally commiserate with you.
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my mom has an expression that will be appropriate to mention here. my mom is an air head extraordinare and when she misplaces something , before she even look for it , she says ” tony tony turn around somethings lost and must be found” she’ll spin around in a circle and then go on looking for the missing item. she told my wife about it and they both swear by it. turns out saint anthony is the patron saint for lost stuff and so tony is around to call on whenever needed. its pretty funny how stuff pops up after you’ve looked there 27 times before. you call tony look one more time and there it is. one of those spiritual mysteries. miracle may be a little strong but give it a try linda and let me know where those glasses were.
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SAINT ANTHONY
CATHOLIC PATRON SAINT OF LOST THINGS
There are two Saint Anthonies in the Catholic religion. The first Saint Anthony lived in Egypt from 251-356 and was the founder of monachism.
The second, Saint Anthony of Padua (Italy), lived from 1195-1231. Born in Portugal, he was a Franciscan monk and lived in Morocco before settling in Padua. He was known as an eloquent speaker.
Saint Anthony of Padua is the Patron Saint of Padua, of Portugal, and of San Antonio, Texas. Prayer cards manufactured in Italy identify him as the saint of “miracles,” but to most Catholics, he is the Patron Saint associated with the return of lost articles and missing persons. He is petitioned for help in finding almost everything that is lost, from car keys and misplaced papers to a lost job, a lost lover, or s straying partner. People who are regarded as “lost souls” may also be placed in his care. These widespread invocations to Saint Anthony for finding lost things and restoring missing people relate to an incident in which the saint was invoked to find a missing book and the prayer was efficacious; ever since then Saint Anthony has been the Patron of Lost Things.
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very interesting tim; thanks! I haven’t found any incidence of ‘St. Yehudi’ yet….
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Is he portrayed as having his eyes permanently stuck in an eye-roll…?
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Worth a try. Maybe we could petition St. Anthony for Dale’s job.
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couldn’t hurt
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i have lost my ability to understand how dale transitions to this stuff and we all just go along like this is normal. he saw a picture of a meteor said it looked like a dog bone and now we are talking about lost stuff. what comes first the idea and then search the article or the articel triggers the disjointed relationship that ends with the question of the day ( or actually begins with the question of the day)
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I KNOW! I love too how he does that. It all makes sense right up to that last sentence of his and then his question just goes off kitty-wampus! Love it!
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And, of course, the dog chew toy is there because dogs have long been in space. Check out “Dogs in Space” by Nancy Coffelt. One of the teenager’s favorites when she was younger.
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tim said “we all just go along like this is normal”.
You say that like it’s a bad thing 😉
I haven’t been as regular as some of you since the Trial Balloon first went up, so –is it me or are the questions getting wackier? (A natural progression I imagine, if yes.)
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Michael Feldman (“Wa’dya Know?”) had an expert on finding lost things on his show once. That guy said the single most useful sentence I’ve heard in my life: When you think you have lost something, it almost is always right where you think it is, only you didn’t look hard enough.” What that means is that we usually have places we keep things. When we don’t find them there, we think they are “lost” and we begin a wild search in all kinds of places. But things are almost always right where they usually are, only maybe a book got put on top of them or they slid back a bit. Go right to the places you think the thing will be and reallylook hard for it. I have used this advice countless times to find stuff. I just found a shotgun using this principle.
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tell me how you set a book on top of your shotgun please
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In this case, I had hidden the shotgun in the attic. I looked for it there three times and concluded it was gone. Then I drew on the advice and looked a third time. Under a box, under the cellulose insulation, behind another box . . . there it was.
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perfect tie in.
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i will remember this advice though. i like it. thanks for passing it on.
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Good morning trail mates! Honoring today’s theme of things lost, two immediately come to my mind. I’ve lost my butt completely to the cancer treatment. I’m thinking about buying something I’ve only seen on TV: a certain kind of pantie with bubbles built into each side. The second “loss” is the delicious, manic euphoria and naivete flooding my system in the fall of 2008. God it felt good! The promise of Obama the Magician. Looking back, it seems that it was foolish & short-sided to put so much faith in just one human being without considering the enormity of the toxic, insatiable need for power the opposition party has always manifested. But – if just for a little while – I got to feel sweetness and fantasy of our country transforming into a humane and reasoned population.
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Make that “short-sighted” please.
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i’ve heard of someone losing his ass but you really mean losing your ass don’t you? as far as niaviate. ignorance is bliss. enjoy it while you can. its toxic enough out there without a dream to keep you going. hang on.
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Are the pantybubbles red?
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All I have to say is, the guy has had to made it up. Pure idiocy.
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welcome jim, try it again. i am not clear. you type like me.
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excuse me james try it again
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you talking sutton . he took lessons form rove and limbaugh. stir em up. its your job
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The guy’s got little pig eyes.
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Again, “What do you do for a living?” “Oh, I’m a Professional Jerk. I get lots of money and attention for being as rude, nasty, petty, and generally horrible a human as I can.” Do people have resumes citing and documenting how big a jerk they can be? What must the interviews be like? “So, can you give us your philosophy on why evil is ‘the new good’?”
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The little pigs at my house resent the comparison.
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Reverse wabi-sabi: a face that grows steadily more unsightly for want of ever having said or done anything useful.
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I was going to post something, but I lost my train of thought.
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check under the couch cushions
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oh gosh – you’ve all gone ’round the bend today. the banter is soooo quick and clever! thanks.
i have nothing. (well, except that Lassi likes Boys AND Girls today)
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i find that acceptable in a goat
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i find it acceptable in a person so why not a goat?
what is the gop stance on goat sexuality?
can we ask sutton? maybe go directly to emmer while he thinks someone still cares a little about what he thinks.
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I’m sure there is a goat “It Gets Better” video in the making here…
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I’m looking for a couple of lost earrings – one of each set – that maybe fell down the register and are caught there. Sister gave them to me and I love them so I’ll keep looking…
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whats that got to do with sutton
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maybe he wears earrings when (or where?) no one is looking
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I just found an example of the kind of humor that it seems we might need to use these days in a book by Gerald Vizenor, “The Everlasting Sky”.
Vizenor said that Harold Goodsky, an Indian who is a social worker, was often asked about his point of view on the drinking habits of the Anishinabe people. His sarcastic reply was that the Anishinabe had only gained the right to drink recently and they had a lot of catching up to do because white people have been able to drink legally for a very long time. Goodsky said he told people at his office he needed a red phone since they all had either white or black phones on their desks. When no one seemed to understand that he was joking, he also asked for a red desk and chair.
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i like that guy
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They sell his books at Birchbark Books…
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Wasn’t there a Morning Show around here someplace? What the h*^# happened to this FM receiver? I can’t find anything I like anymore! Where are my glasses? What’s this old chew toy doing here? Where are the last 20 years?
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Probably under the couch cushions with everything else. If you see my possum rug there, give a holler.
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I lost my voice during third grade music class today.
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Darn third graders. Bet they hid it behind the music cabinets.
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Dear MIG,
I found most of your 2010. It was in the rear-view.
Sincerely,
MiS.
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Dear MiS,
Thanks for finding most of 2010 for me, I can stop looking now. Sadly, once it gets into that rearview, it is impossible to get it back out, rats!
Sincerely,
MIG
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MN in Sudbury……..your comment just came through via e mail notice, but hasn’t shown up on the board! Your post is timed at 9:20 but it’s 10:20 – are you in a different time zone? I’ve been real busy chasing a little bird around the cottage in hopes of catching it before my fur persons do. As to buying a bubble butt, I think they only come in flesh colors?
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Yes – I’m on Eastern time. I’d never noticed the time stamps! They must be confusing to the computer.
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Crystalbay,
Do not chase the feathered visitor. Confine your furry residents in a room the feathered visitor is NOT. Darken the areas the feathered visitor can still get in to as much as you can so that the brightest light is outside the egress. Seat yourself in an inconspicuous area where you can calmly watch your visitor’s progress. Silently and gently direct your guest to the exit.
I sometimes get feathered guests in my basement (cannot figure out how) and have found the above method very effective. Hope by the time I am writing this, your new friend has already left, but for future reference…..
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Oh my – I still don’t see the post from you about red bubbles here!
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I’ve remembered what I’d lost that I’m really hoping to replace: we were given a Bird Book (1930s or 40s) when I was little, and I loved sitting and looking at the color plates of my favorite birds – cardinal, kingfisher, robin, chickadee… (Think of a young Jane Eyre hidden in the window seat before being discovered by her nasty cousin.) When I came home after college, ready to take it to my first home, it was nowhere to be found. Red hardcover about 9×12, not more than an inch thick, front embossed with gold… I keep looking in antique bookstores, there must be one out there somewhere. Don’t know title except it was short and had “Birds” in it. Keep your eyes open, ‘booners, in Half Price Books, etc. 🙂
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