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Settling for Less

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Teenagers live such anguished lives. Here’s the latest quandary from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hey Mr. C.,

I was talking to my friend Doug about music yesterday and he said we should form a band. Not just the two of us, but us and a few other people. I said that sounded cool even though I don’t know how to play any kind of instrument and am not a very good singer, but he said that’s all right you don’t have to be a good singer to be in a band.

What you have to have is a good name with enough attitude that people will remember it. He said a good name for our band would be “The Flaming Sacks of Poop”, because it’s something shocking that you can picture and it’s real hard to forget. At first you might even want to stomp on it to make it go away but then, if you think for even a moment, you realize you’d better not. So it’s got a special appeal for the brainy audience too.

I said I did not want to be known as “A Flaming Sack of Poop”, and was thinking that a better name would be “The Kings of Seduction”, because that sounds smooth and classy.

He said “Kings of Seduction” is the kind of name people forget as soon as they hear it. They’d be left wondering if we were in charge of Seduction or Romance or Chocolates, whereas “Flaming Sacks of Poop” is the kind of name that creates a lasting memory.

We decided to let the new members of the band figure it out, so we invited Brandon and Heather to join us and we told them what the name choices were. Brandon liked the “Flaming Sacks of Poop”, and Heather was for “Kings of Seduction”, even though she is more Queen-like, personally. That didn’t really accomplish anything.

So then Doug said let’s find a middle ground just like the president did on the rich people tax and call our band “The Kings of Poop”. But then Heather said what about “The Flaming Sacks of Seduction”? This went on for a while. Compromise is hard.

Now it looks like our group is going to be called “Dung Love Combustion”, which I really hate. But unless I agree I guess our careers will never get started, and this may be my only chance to be in a band – ever. Because I still don’t know how to play anything.

Should I go along with a decision that feels ridiculous, or stand my ground?

Your rockin’ pal,
Bubby

I told Bubby he should address a more fundamental question. Can a non-musical person make a meaningful contribution to a band? Making a compromise to get the band up and running may turn out to be a mistake if the result is bad music and embarrassment. Perhaps the time spent arguing over a name could’ve been put to better use studying the guitar.

But learning things is also difficult, and inventing names is fun!

What’s the best band name you ever heard? Or would like to hear?

89 thoughts on “Settling for Less”

  1. Rise and Abandon your Principles Babooners!

    Hey Bubby: Love that clear yet rigid thinking. Go for it and paint your self into a corner when you don’t need to. You could consider both compromise AND practice the guitar concurrently. As Dale pointed out, a non-musical band member can do a few things, like carry equipment. But not playing an instrument might limit your participation. Lessons on the guitar combined with practice might move your case and your credibility forward.

    Meanwhile, you could negotiate an on-going discussion of the name of the now non-band while you gain some skills. I suspect the most realistic name is “Kings of Poop” since the band appears to be primarily about maintaining useless positions rather than music itself. This is much like certain politicians and TV blabbermouths that exist out there. Useless discussion of non-existent issues can hold actual solutions hostage.

    Best Wishes.

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  2. the fugs were a san fransico based group with great tunes that matched their names.
    nothing was a favorite.
    monday nothing
    tuesday nothing
    wednesday and thursday nothing
    friday for a change a little more nothing
    saturday once more sunday nothing

    reading nothing
    writing nothing
    even arithmatic nothing
    socoial anthropoligy all alot of nothing
    nothing nothing nothing

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    1. that reminded me of what was the first indications as to how wonderfully twisted loudan wainwright iii was. on an early album form the 70’s

      Loudon Wainwright III – Plane, Too lyrics

      There was a hipster on the plane
      There was a sailor, too
      Big business man on the plane
      Stewardess, too
      I saw a movie on the plane
      Grand Canyon, too
      Earphone music on the plane
      Time magazine, too

      Airplane food was on the plane
      Airplane coffee, too
      Airplane booze was on the plane
      Tea and milk was, too

      Reclining seats were on the plane
      Seatbelts, too
      “No Smoking” sign was on the plane
      In French and English, too
      Hostess button on the plane
      Ventilator, too
      Vomit bag was on the plane
      Oxygen, too

      There was a bathroom on the plane
      A flushing toilet, too
      There was a mirror on the plane
      Me, too

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  3. the flaming lips is a perrenial favorite. then a little research gave me this wonderful list:

    Before starting a rock band, you should know that the following names are taken:

    [ a ]

    Albino Toilet Boys

    Alcoholocaust

    Alcoholics Unanimous

    Apocalypse Hoboken

    [ b ]

    Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings

    The Band Formerly Known As Sausage

    Band That Shot Liberty Valance

    Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits

    The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir

    The Boxing Ghandis

    Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre

    Breakfast in Beirut

    Bulimia Banquet

    [ c ]

    Caltransvestites

    Camarojuana

    The Cameltones

    Cap’n Crunch and the Cereal Killers

    Carnage Asada

    Cindy Brady’s Lisp

    Cortizone 5

    Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death

    [ d ]

    The Dancing French Liberals of 1848

    The Dead Sea Squirrels

    Drunks With Guns

    [ e ]

    e. coli

    Edith Head

    Electric Prostates

    Elvis Hitler

    [ f ]

    Fields of Shit

    Five Day Bleed

    ’57 Lesbian

    The 4-Skins

    Four Nurses of the Apocalypse

    The French are from Hell

    Fromage d’Amour

    [ h ]

    Headless Marines

    Hell Camino

    Herpes Cineplex

    Hindu Garage Sale

    Hitler’s Bikini

    HIV and the Positives

    Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives

    [ i ]

    Inhale Mary

    [ j ]

    Janitors Against Apartheid

    Jehovah’s Waitresses

    Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program

    Jesus Christ Super Fly

    Jesus Chrysler Supercar

    Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army

    JFKFC

    Jonestown Punch

    [ k ]

    Kathleen Turner Overdrive

    Kerrigan’s Knees

    [ l ]

    Lawn Piranhas

    Lee Harvey Keitel

    Lesbian Ninjas

    Louder Than God

    [ m ]

    Mao Tse Helen

    Martinlutherkinks

    Mary Kay and the Cosmetics

    Minnie Pearl’s Jam

    Mr. Happy and the Genocides

    Mussolini Headkick

    My Dog Has Hitler’s Brain

    [ n ]

    Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions

    Nervous Christians and the Lions

    Norman Bates and the Shower Heads

    Not Drowning, Waving

    [ p ]

    Pabst Smear

    Pearl Harbor and the Explosions

    Penis DeMilo

    Pepto Dismal

    Phenobarbidols

    Phlegm Fatale

    Poultry in Motion

    Pretentious Flamedogs

    The Pro-Midget Mafia

    Psychic Buddhist Gorillas

    Psycho Sluts from Hell

    Pungent Frustration

    [ r ]

    Raging Pimps of Doom

    Reluctant Stereotypes

    Results of Inbreeding

    Retarded Elf

    Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

    [ q ]

    Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

    [ s ]

    Sandy Duncan’s Eye

    Screaming Headless Torsos

    Screaming Iguanas of Love

    Screaming Moist Accountants

    Septic Death

    Seven Year Bitch

    The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra

    Shirley Temple of Doom

    Skeptic Tank

    Smegma & the Nuns

    Smorgasborgnine

    Solosex

    The Sound of Munich

    Spastic Colon

    The Sphinctones

    Stiff Richards

    Stukas Over Bedrock

    Swingin’ Johnsons

    [ t ]

    The Telephony Bandits of Doom

    Testostertones

    Thank God We’re Immortal

    To Live and Shave in LA

    Toxic Shock and the Tampons

    Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew

    Tragic Mulatto

    Transsexual Hitler

    [ u ]

    Uncle Dickie’s Shameless Quickies

    [ v ]

    The Velcro Pygmies

    [ w ]

    The Well Hungarians

    Willie Nelson Mandela

    [ y ]

    Yoko Homo

    [ z ]

    Zombies Under Stress

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  4. very clever, Dale – thanks
    it’s cold up here
    OT – we’re still breeding – got a new doe yesterday. poor T
    seems cruel to ask him “out” on such a cold day. reminds me of the early, early morning walking to the intercampus bus in front of the medical school at the U. it must have been 2 million below. a line of women, spaced about 40 feet apart, walking on the sidewalk toward the bus stop. a guy in a snorkel parka – snorkel fully zipped so no face view at all – running toward us with his hands in the parka pockets. each time he met one of us he lifted his hands in the parka to lift the parka above his waist – revealing a really cold Johnson. each woman in turn, including me, started to laugh uncontrollably. don’t think that was the effect he wanted. or maybe?
    sorry – these cold mornings bring out the strangest thoughts sometimes 🙂
    a good and gracious morning to You All

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    2. In the 60’s friend of my wife’s lived in Dinkytown; had a knock at her door; she opened it to a man with his trench coat open with nothing on beneath it. She called the police; they asked her to describe him. She had to tell them she did not look at his face. Wonder if it was the same guy.

      “But you doesn’t have to call me Johnson.”

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    3. The urges that come over flashers must be much more powerful than I imagined. That’s dedication to exposure.
      This guy might have been one of the early blue skinned creatures as well, pre-dating the Smurfs and the Na’vi of Pandora.

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    4. Barb, I shared your story with my wife driving her to her latest Dr. visit. She laughed and laughed. We met a Mayo Hospital* in the Med School in 1965. She has so many memories from there, a couple similar to yours.
      *I used to be known as the trivia ace; I asked three trivia questions for every day on my weekly lesson schedules I gave students. But if you asked this question, people will argue and argue with you, even in outstate MN. “Where is Mayo Hospital?”

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  6. Tim, you leave us breathless. I won’t say which of those is my favorite.

    My favorite “real” band name: Spinal Tap. The imagery is so powerful.

    My proposed name for Bubby’s band: The Sanctimonious Crayfish.

    Or is that taken? I hven’t looked it up.

    Have a terrific day, Baboons. My position on global warming this morning is that there isn’t enough of it.

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      2. Not sure – but that would have been fun. As I recall the Plastic Constellations formed when they were in high school – which makes me think they got their name ‘cuz someone in the band had one of those sets of glow-in-the-dark plastic stars in their bedroom.

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  9. Nothing will ever top Zuzu’s Petals fro me. And to make a connection from yesterday–someone besides me must get that name ????

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    1. got it right away, Clyde. I’d like to think they played rather sweet and endearing music that made us want to persevere in spite of all the universe has thrown at us, but I kinda doubt it.

      I personally like the idea of Harmonious Wail. When compelled to wail, I’d like to think I did it harmoniously. If I go to the St Paul School Board meeting next week, we may find out.

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    2. Naturally! Not my favorite holiday movie, though–nothing can ever top the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of the Mexican “Santa Claus” movie, not even “Blackadder’s Christmas Carol.” Double-bill “Santa Claus” with “The Day the Earth Froze” or “Santa Vs. the Martians”, several friends and a lot of spiked cocoa, and THERE you have a holiday!

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      1. I love MST3K. I’ve seen Santa Claus Conquers the Martians – there’s a Mexican Santa movie too? Does Netflix have it?

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      3. My nephew, his buddy, and I will be engaging in the follow-up to MST3K, Rifftrax. If you record a (hopefully) humorous commentary, the Rifftrax guys will post it on their website for download and share any monies taken in with you. First Rifftrax script is already done…we just need to record it. Always loved MST3K. Used to live just 1 1/2 miles from the Best Brains studio in Eden Prairie. Tried getting in there but they had interns lined up to work for them for free. Hard to compete with that.

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    3. From It’s a Wonderful Life…. the flower petals that come off when George is checking on Zuzu, right before he wishes he had never been born. George puts the petals in his pocket and when Clarence grants his wish, the petals are gone. When George is restored to life, the petals have returned and he says “Zuzu’s petals!”

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      1. i heard the name of the group and loved it . never heard the music.
        its a wonderful life is one of the ten movies d take to the desert island with me

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  10. OF course, Clyde. Zusu, the little girl from ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’, who gets a cold when she brings her flower home from school, and the petals fall off, and Dad (JImmy Stewart) sticks them in his pocket. Those petals are one of his confirmations that he’s no longer dreaming!
    I think Tim was a category killer for band names this morning! Nice work, Tim. I always thought ‘Jack Knife and the Sharps’ was a pretty good name, as well as those one-hit wonders from the 60s, ‘Strawberry Alarm Clock’. Always an interesting visual there, depending on one’s mood.

    Chris

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    1. Son and his cousin introduced me to local groups Wookiefoot and Atmosphere, which is still around I believe, and I like a lot of their music and their name — not outrageous, but original.
      Hmmm, what was the question?

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      2. Atmosphere is awesome 🙂 They’re on a local label, Rhymesayers, with the likes of Brother Ali, Eyedea & Abilities (though Eyedea recently died), P.O.S., etc. Great music from artists in the Twin Cities!

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      3. I like a lot of the Rhymesayers folk too – have a few Brother Ali tracks on my iPod. Can’t remember if Dessa is part of that gang, too (she’s from the Doomtree gang, but can’t remember if or how that overlaps) – and I’ve been meaning to get her latest. I’ve heard some of the tracks and it’s fabulous.

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  14. Good colder than *&!$ morning,

    It was nice to have Donna back on the trail late yesterday with a humerous *&@! post. I don’t want to encourage bad language, but I do appreciate Donna”s “tasteful” use of colorful language.

    Speaking of colorful language, I’m reminded of the Fugs which was one of my favorites in the 60s. A band name that always catches my attention is The Cigarette Smoking Choir Boys. Of course, I am a fan of a band with kind of an unusual name, The Orange Mighty Trio. I vote, along with Tim, for Flaming Sacks of Seduction as the name for Bubby’s band.

    I think we should form a band for Trail Baboon which could be The Baboons. A similar name that might be even better is The Primates. I don’t see that under your list of P names, Tim.

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      2. Needs a disclaimer – No baboons were harmed during the naming of this band – so as not to attract unwanted attention from PETA.

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  16. I’ve heard some “bands” with Bubby’s kind of talent and dedication that should be called Tintinnabulary Cacophony.

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    1. Caroline, I think Tintinabulary Cacophony would be a fitting name for the band and the sound of the band that Bubby would play in or a short version of this name which would be Tintin Din.

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  17. ’57 Lesbian in tim’s list reminded me of a recent discussion with my other book club in which we came up with the phrase (and I’m not sure I could explain how we got there from a discussion of Anne of Green Gables – but it’s that sort of group), “Literate Lesbian Libertine Libertarian Librarian.” If it were plural, it would be a great band name – definitely a band that would require themed costuming of some sort (though what a literate lesbian libertine Libertarian librarian would wear, I don’t rightly know).

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    1. Linda, that name reminds me of the Smothers Brothers routine where the boatmen plead with their captain, “Captain, can we please, please go to town tonight and get some oars? They say there are great oars in town. Can we, pretty please?”

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  21. How about the ridiculously long names?

    …And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead
    The Presidents of the United States of America
    When People Were Shorter And Lived Near The Water

    tim, I’m also a fan of The Flaming Lips. Some of the bands I listen to have odd names as well:
    Death Cab for Cutie
    New Pornographers
    Arcade Fire
    Modest Mouse
    Sigur Ros
    Tilly and The Wall
    The Ting Tings

    Probably my favorite band name is Cloud Cult (and I’m a big fan of their music too). How do people come up with these?

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  23. Another OT – there’s a reality show on NBC called Sing-off, which I happened to catch Monday night. Jerry Lawson, formerly of the Persuasions, leads one of the bands in the competition. Their signature song Monday was Save the Last Dance For Me.

    It’s on again tonight. If you tape it, you can fast-forward through the tedious opinions of the judges and that sort of thing. Unless you happen to like that sort of thing.

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  24. Morn– oh, wait… Afternoon!

    Found out this morning that after all these years my computer wasn’t really hooked up to the ‘Network’… ah- well that explains why I couldn’t log into so many things over the years! …and I had been blaming it on my computer ignorance…

    Just had to skim over the comments today; trying to get ready for Christmas Concerts here… and keep my fingers in my ears so I don’t hear the music at the same time… typing w/ my elbows…

    Names; I have seen signs in Rochester lately advertising ‘Leap Of Faith Snow Removal’. I don’t think I like that. I don’t wish to require a ‘leap of faith’ regarding my snow removal…
    Band names… Knew a guy in a band called ‘Blind Baby Olin’… I used ‘B.B. Olin’ as my stage name a couple times…

    Flaming bags of poo…. sounds more like performance art…

    later crew!

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  25. And then there are just single entertainers with amazing names… remember Englebert Humperdink in the 60s, who actually copied the real E. Hump. of classical music fame (Hansel & Gretel for one).

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    1. Nostalgia break. The very first time I actually did more than lurk on the Trial Balloon Blog, the question was about shyness. I put in a comment about a song that I sang onstage when I was 5 (which my mother still talks about)… the little goose song from…. wait for it…. Hansel & Gretel by E Humperdinck!

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      2. my son, the one who ended up being the singer did an unbelievable version of good bye ruby tuesday at age 3. i can stil hear it. he knew all the words and sang with emotion and overacted dynamics and he was like a hair over my kneecap tall. priceless

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  26. May I just say; ‘ARRRRGH!’ ISH-DA!! (I kinda missed that whole discussion… is frustration the right use of that word?)

    Whew— thanks… I feel better now.
    I’m thankful to have a group of friends like this that will let me just vent for a minute… Thank You.
    Back to your regular scheduled programming….

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    2. Not being technically of the Norsk persuasion myself (but north coast of Germany? I’d be willing to be there is some Viking blood in there), I’d say you have used ish da correctly, but if I recall correctly, Anna is our expert on this matter.

      Have at ‘er and (as we say in the knitting community), don’t let the Muggles get you down!

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    3. I think anything resembling tech week is generally an “ish da” – a smoother running tech might only warrant a “fei da,” but those are few and far between. 😉

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  27. Well, Bubby… this band thing might be ill-advised at this point but maybe something good could come of it in your future. I think you should go for it! Just naming the band is an exercise in getting along with others. If you’re keeping score, I like “The Flaming Sacks of Seduction.”

    My favorite band name might be familiar to some of you. I’ve always thought it was a really great name and it’s taken by a bunch of guys who still play together often: “The Lost Walleye Orchestra.”

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  29. I just remembered a beautiful song, a capella, “Woodsmoke and Oranges”, done by a Canadian group called Three Sheets to the Wind . I kinda like that.

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      2. words to live by

        hey clyde , did the quotes on your underlined name in blue or black go by the wayside or did you just switch computers?

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