Here’s a late dispatch from enterprising freelance journalist Bud Buck, who in the best developing tradition of online media, makes his living re-reporting the work of other people. Bud’s note with this piece says he’s “trying a new, ground-breaking, personal style of reporting” that will make it necessary for me to double his usual fee.
When news broke that cave excavating scientists in Israel have identified 400 thousand year old remains from homo sapiens, I recognized the importance of the find right away. Previous research placed the earliest version of modern man in Africa just 200 thousand years ago. This find, if it bears up under further scrutiny, would double the length of known human history and might move the origins of man off the African continent completely. Amazing!
I rushed to find a reputable scientist who was also talkative enough to give me all the quotes I needed to write something that looked like a complete story. Alas, it’s a holiday week in the USA and even the archaeologists are at home with their families, or else stuck at the mall returning shirts that are too nice to wear in the field and not boring enough for use in the lab.
Reviewing the initial story from the Jerusalem Post, I noticed that the remains in question amounted to just eight teeth. Teeth! My dentist, Dr. Jim Jevitas, has an on-call “meet you anywhere” service designed for times just like this. I phoned him and he was pleased to rendezvous at a local coffee shop as long as I paid his standard holiday rates for a check up and light cleaning.
While he was setting up his dental tools and a very, very bright light that ran off a car battery he tucked underneath our table, I told Dr. Jevitas about the remarkable find in Qesem Cave, just 12 miles from Tel Aviv. The Doctor shocked me with the pronouncement that this sounded like the scientists had actually uncovered the site of one of the first suburban dentist offices.
“Patients always like it when you can give them free parking,” Dr. Jevitas said. “That’s human nature, don’t you think? Especially during a difficult procedure like getting a root canal, you don’t want to have to go plug a meter. I’m guessing that’s why they didn’t find this office right in the city. Open!”
I opened my mouth and the Doctor poked around my molars with a very, very sharp thing I couldn’t see. He muttered some things I didn’t hear clearly about my gums and flossing. My mind was reeling with images of a 400 thousand year old suburban dentist’s office. How did they numb the patients? What were the waiting-room magazines like? As soon as I had a chance I told him everything I knew about the remains. He was intrigued.
“Hmm. Interesting. The teeth were just lying there on the ground? That’s unusual. We put ours in a little drawer, but I suppose after 400 thousand years a lot of the furnishings in the office have worn out and even turned to dust. I’m guessing this ancient dentist didn’t work with many children, since the kiddies always want to take their teeth home to leave for the tooth fairy. I’ve heard of adults-only practices, but it’s no way to make money. Grown-ups are scaredy-cats and a lot of them won’t make an appointment. Open!”
I opened my mouth and the Doctor did some scraping and digging that made me almost as uncomfortable as the people at the table next to us. I had nearly enough material to make an article – all I needed was something possibly controversial – a quote casting a bit of doubt on the whole thing. After rinsing and spitting into the Doctor’s now-empty coffee cup, I told him the lead archaeologist on the project, Dr. Avi Gopher, was quoted saying “Further research is needed to solidify the claim.”
“Hmmm,” said Dr. Jevitas. “Dr. Avi Gopher sounds like a made-up name for an archaeologist. He is either a totally fictitious character, or a very patient man. Are you sure you didn’t read about this in The Onion?”
And then he shocked me again when two of the metal clasps on my boot contacted the posts of the car battery under our table. The very, very bright light went out, the coffee shop manager came over, and our meet-you-anywhere dental appointment was over.
Good news! I don’t have any cavities! This is Bud Buck!
I’m not sure I’ll pay Bud the extra money he wants for this story, though it does sound like the interview was a very expensive one to get. Still, it makes me wonder.
What interesting artifacts would a future archeologist find in the remains of your home?
Trail Baboon 
Even I won’t know what lies beneath the surface until it gets excavated….the long-forgotten dregs of various times of my life.
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I can’t be the first one posting…it’s seven o’clock…where is everyone? Or have I been cut off for being a too intermittent poster?
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i was thinking the same thing. good to see you back. we all wondered what it would take to get you back. i don’t think e can wait until 7 every day for the first posting but if thats what it took today we at least have an idea of how to suck you in.
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Cynthia, Dale doesn’t have to get up to be on the air by 5 or 6 o’clock any more so I think he is sleeping a little later and not posting as early as did before. After all those years of getting up very early, I think he should sleep a little later, right Dale?
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I have noticed a drifting in his posting time the last few months, which I have been silently applauding. I always read his post much earlier than I post. I would hope I could arise later with my new status in life, but my pain dictates 6 a.m.
Speaking of which, future archeologists in the age of Star Trek medicine would be mystified by the many many red-tinted odd shaped plastic bottles. Would they still be able to read Target on them?
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Please pass me more coffee. I wake up around 4am, but don’t the coffee until a couple of hours later, which is why I was wondering where the heck Panera was and if you had started your trip early.
Lack of coffee, that is my story and I am sticking to it.
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I agree with Clyde that on his silent applauding regarding the later posting time. I think it is very remarkable that you are keeping this blog going, Dale. I’m sure you would get lots of volunteers to help you if you could use any help doing the blog.
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what the heck, he writesa couple lines and gets us started. its not much work. leave it to him jim. he enjoys it. but 700 start is almost unfathomable. you know dale if youd get it done the night before you wouldnt have to slave away at pre sunlight hours. i suspect however that your brain is wired to work that way (brians is too) keep up the good work. i would have bet dr jim juvitus was lost forever but here he is. wonder of wonders.
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For what it’s worth (and Dale, I don’t know if you’re doing this or not), WordPress has a cool feature where you can set something up to post at a future date and time…heck, if he wanted to, he could set up a whole week’s worth of posts to roll out each morning, and he could sleep until noon every day and we’d be none the wiser. 🙂
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I just feel lucky that we get a blog every day (well, except random Sundays). I know from past experience that eventually we all start yakking away on the previous day’s commentary. Does anybody remember when a guest blog didn’t get posted (I think it was Beth-Ann, wasn’t it?) and she copied it onto the day before and we just all carried on like normal?
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I do remember that, Sherrilee — it was mine…
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So what do we have here? It seems that this is group that will find a way to continue even if there is a failure to post a starting point. What is going on here?
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Gosh, thanks for all the concern about the posting time, everybody. It is true that I have let things slip a bit.
When I started I tried to keep to a 6 am posting time for continuity’s sake, and because it helps to have a deadline. In an ideal world I would write a weeks’ worth of blogs in one day, set up WordPress to publish them at the right time and sleep ’til noon as Anna suggests. Alas, I don’t have that much discipline.
My routine of late is to rough out an idea the night before, get up around 5 and post around 6, though today my original concept didn’t work out and I started over at 5:45 with the 400 thousand year old teeth – thus the unusually late entry.
This isn’t too different from my old Morning Show pattern. Some days I’d noodle with a script all morning and finally give it to Jim Ed at 8:45. We’d do it at 8:50, play a song and end the show. Sometimes that worked beautifully, but most times … eh. I’ve never been sorry about taking the time to re-write.
I agree, Jim, that the Baboon Group will (and should) find a way to connect whether there is a new post or not. And help is always welcome. I haven’t identified dates for the next group of guest blogs yet, but there will be some for sure. If you have an idea you’d like to pursue, by all means write it down and send it to me at connelly.dale@gmail.com. There’s no reason to wait for an “official” guest blog opportunity to be my guest!
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Thanks for filling us in on how you do things, Dale. The time and effort you put into doing this blog is greatly appreciated.
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id be interested in what happened where you started a new topic at 545. how often does this happen. how about the ugly underbelly of this particular case. i’d be interested in what happened. the teeth turned out to be wonderful. nice rebound.
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excellent news dale. old jewish homo sapiens, i wonder if they coud still eight bagels with those 8 teeth not in the picture any more. at my house the time calsule would be very interesting indeed. old and complete generational family lines of mold and mildew from the leaks above my kitchen ceiling and the bathroom skylight. the half done projeccts would leave any future archeologist wondering what this was all about. the projects sometimes become recognzable as they near a finish but not always. they sometimes head south just before completion and off into an identity of their own. kind of like my posts. the back of my refrigerator is also plentiful hunting grounds for the archeoligist of the future. things that used to be tomatos and soy products abound. tims jerky could be the lead story of the next millenium. they could probubaly interview paul mccartney adn see what he has in his guitar cases. im sure he will still be around. he will live forever. he and ted williams.
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and Dick Clark!
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glad to see you, Cynthia! i was just digging thru my “pile” that really is about four piles on the hutch shelf in the kitchen. uffda. fei da. ish da. even i don’t know what some of that stuff is and i surely don’t know why i kept it!
out to milk
a good and gracious morning to Cynthia and You All (if you are out there)
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Rise and Shine Baboons:
Cy in Ma–I was on at 6:00am, nothing yet, so did other things and returned now. The great creator was busy working on his creation!
In my home they would find these weird plastic lumps that they could not identify until they find the wrappers: Sculpy, Premo, Fimo– the plastic clay I use for artwork. Outside my house they will find little rocks from everywhere: Lake Superior, Ontario, both Oceans, Mexico, Arizona –mementos I bring back. They will wonder: What climactic force brought these to Minnesota’s Urban areas?
Hurricane Jacque.
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J – they will be mystified because you won’t be the only dig site where they find sculpey. But I think they will certainly wonder about the Neti pot. They’ll probably think it’s a teapot but then not be certain why it was found w/ the other bathroom accoutrements!
Morning all… I think we are all a little too well trained after years and years of Morning Show starting at 6 a.m. I was also up… checked TBB occasionally and then the lure of the jigsaw puzzle eventually called me downstairs. I’m in a sad state now w/ the puzzle because it’s enough together that I believe I’ve solved the mystery already, but I still have to finish it!!! I’ve only not finished one jigsaw puzzle in my life and it is still in the attic in a box waiting……..
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I’ve got rocks too, Jacque! Hundreds of them. They’re the cheapest souvenirs to bring home from an adventure and they tell their own story so well. I love them! I keep meaning to return them someday but it hasn’t happened yet… sometime before my house sells, I suppose. I’m sure no one will want to help me move them!
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ill help you move them. cant give up on rock memories.
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In an attempt to FEEL retired I ma at Panera this morning trying out my new laptop on the road. Logged right on. So much less Goldberg-esque than the last time I did such a thing 10 years or so ago.
My house would probably be classified as midian.
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My house, too, Clyde. Especially the back porch (which is mostly storage and a giant toy box).
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Panera is a pretty good place to FEEL retired. Nice goodies! Good coffee. Enjoy. By all means keep that laptop away from your lap.
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But the place is filling up with all these really old looking people–white hair, sagging sallow skin, limping gait–who seem to have nothing but time to waste, who dither on about trivialities. Wait, that’s me. I’m home; next I will be in the home.
We had a good friend who was in a nursing home and who at 80 was 130 lbs over-weight and could barely move, who said that in her mind she could still wear a mini-skirt.
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That’s how I can still wear a mini skirt too, Clyde.
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Yesterday I was out on the mass/mob/mammoth mayhem with grandkids. My grand-daughter turned 8 on the 25th and is suddenly about 12, in the positive ways of being 12 that is. So only glanced at the blog until now. Mt laptop is Goldberg-esque. The LAPTOP comes with safety warning not to use it on your lap.
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Guess it’s time for us to come up with another name for laptop!
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too bad the name George Foreman Grill is already taken
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Well, we could always just use George Foreman Grill again — it’s not like George Foreman feels that his name is his alone!
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giggle
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teeheesnortchoke
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OK, I’m a few days behind in reading, but I don’t know what Goldberg-esque refers to.
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Not a problem, Barbara. We were talking about Rube Goldberg Contraptions yesterday. If you look at the post and the comments, you’ll see some fun You Tube videos of these complicated-on-purpose gizmos.
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Archaeologists would find many primitive lumps of white clay, oddly colored (art projects from Daughter) and might be surprised that they are so close to much more advanced clay (mostly pieces from a potter my aunt likes and sends me as gifts and a few from a potter friend of mine). Also, many assorted tools and a wide selection of old wood planes of various sizes. Sequins, a feather boa, and 21 cloth dolls with fabulous clothes (obviously some sort of ceremonial object).
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They would be confused by our furniture, not have any idea about when our house existed, since our furniture covers about 160 years.
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My son was an archeologists before he got a job that paid money. He worked for a couple years up in the UP (hello, Alana). They had to survey for possible native sites in the area of reservoirs that were being re-licensed by the state. He said in that environment in land that little disturbed they found overwhelming numbers and lots of erratics (rocks in the wrong place.
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A friend got a job in South Dakota finding “knapping sites,” which is to say sites where ancient Indians sat and hacked out rocks to make arrowheads and knives. Then the state wouldn’t try to put a highway on that spot. My friend said it was easy to predict where the ancient Indians would sit to make their arrowheads: they chose high places (where the wind would keep mosquitoes down) and which had a good view of water. They were places where you and I would go to make an arrowhead if we knew the land well enough.
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Very cool!
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don’t they have winter sites too, were you are out of the wind, where the sun shine in and heats it up a bit great job though but minimal job security.
anyone hear anything about the guy who died or finally turned over his property out in the southwest if i remember correctly, to the athorities. it was a huge indian artifact sight that remained untouched during this guys lifetime. he knew what he had but knew if he told anyone the scavangers and press would be all over the place. when he finally did make it known word got out and the scavangers did go and steal a bunch of previously untouched stuff, 1 year ago or so? maybe it was too obscure and not normal news. likely a good thing or 100 more hits would have occured if it hit major exposure.
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Good morning to all,
Lots of luck to any archeologists who might some day study the remains of my home. The stuff on the main floors might not seem too unusual but when they get to the basement and the garage they might have some trouble due to they many things saved in those locations that really have no use. Maybe they will think that they have found the remains of a dump. If I can ever get started sorting out all of that stuff out, most of it probably will be in a dump.
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Besides all the books, they would find lots and lots of shiny disks inside plastic boxes with colorful drawings and photographs on the outside, several fiber-filled cloth imitations of animals (totemic objects?), an actual shrine which would probably excite them a lot, a number of molded plastic figures in very strange outfits, some of them obviously not human (ceremonial objects? artifacts from an unknown game?)and a half-dozen large, highly detailed strung and jointed human dolls (sacrificial substitutes?)–in other words, the DVD collection (heavy on anime), stuffed toy animals, my altar, various anime and Doctor Who action figures, and my Asian ball-jointed dolls [assuming that all that plastic doesn’t just melt into greasy lumps, of course]. Our culture’s penchant for collecting, especially pop cultural tie-in tchochkes, would probably confuse future archeologists a lot!
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Ha ha! Nice.
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Dr. Who action figures? I knew I liked you.
I wonder what they will make of the alcove shrine filled with glass shelves holding multi-colored, cuboidal structures that are easily fragmented. Doubtless, the fact that fragments of these structures can be found throughout the dwelling, including the metal tunnel system will give future archeologists a clue as to their purpose.
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Multi-colored cuboidal objects? I’ve only had one cup of coffee today, so not only am I not afraid of looking dumb, I AM dumb. Give, what are they?
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Lego creations!
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Who put Legos in the heating vent?
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they go there of their own accord-I am not sure what ritual drives them to it.
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Yeah, I didn’t get that either… LEGO’s… OK, that makes sense. we don’t have vents so they migrate under the piano, refrigerator and into the couch cushions…
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I wonder what they would make of the Christmas Tree ornaments? I think the more interesting things they would find would be lots of cookbooks and 20 years of Gourmet magazines. They might be interested in the musical instruments, books, and cd’s, but I think they wouldn’t know what to make of my woolen and sheepskin tomtens and the 2 straw goats I have in the living room. Objects of veneration and worship? Of some practical use? What a puzzle for them.
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It’s an old archeological and anthropological canard that anything they can’t readily identify is a “ceremonial object.” And now for some reason I’m thinking of Connie Willis’ “To Say Nothing of the Dog,” which involves a future historian’s search for the mysterious “Bishop’s bird stump”, which turns out to be a spectacularly ugly excresence of Victorian bric-a-brac…
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Nice to find another Connie Willis fan!
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Morning–
Junk yard. Definitely. But how could we all have junkyards?? Wall-E anyone??
Also probably some bills and receipts from 1992 and those left over $.33 stamps and a sheet of the extra $.03 stamps.
Road trip to Fairmont, MN today- Party! OK, not really…. business. But might do lunch at Pizza Ranch…
Catch you tonight tonight when I answer the question ‘How Boring Is I90 in the winter’?
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looking forward to a boring drive back in 356 hours into the mouth of the midwest in an oncoming storm. oooooohhhh.
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Drive carefully tim. Stay between the ditches!
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I can answer the I90 question. Used to live in Fairmont.
Nice weather–count cows
Bad weather–try to stay on the road, out of the wind
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tim, sounds like boring might be your best case scenario
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story of my life. unfortunatlty, i find unboring a regular occurance
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Better off in boring mode than white-knuckle or closed due to blizzard. Be safe and stay awake.
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I am also familiar with that part of I 90. It is open country with very few trees. You will have an open view of the sky and you can imagine yourself as being out on the open prairie. You will see wide open fields of snow which I think is more interesting than the very large fields of corn and soybeans that you would see at other times of the year.
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I-94 between Valley City and Billings is pretty dull, too. You really don’t want to be on it in bad weather, either.
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The new Pizza Ranch in Kato, about a mile from my house, is a notch above the others. Wider selection; better food.
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Snow. We saw lots of snow.
Saw a pick up truck with Alaska license plates and one head light out. (Anyone else familiar with a ‘pididdle’?). Also a Texas vehicle and two large ‘Hook and Ladder’ type firetrucks that said ‘Chicago Fire Department’ on them and gave me several moments of pause as to why there were in Southern MN and where they could have been??
But the archeologists didn’t find any Bora-Flakes, eh? Or Mouth Pigeon fossils?
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Yes, piddidle from high school days when scooping the loop.
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Clyde – put the grandchildren to work on a project.
Here’s an idea – they will need:
10 red-tinted odd-shaped plastic bottles
4 or 5 synthetic wine corks
10-light Christmas light string (LED if you are environmentally conscious)
utility knife
hair dryer
Use hair dryer to remove labels from bottles, peeling off slowly as adhesive softens. Remove caps.
With utility knife, cut 10 cross-sections of synthetic wine corks, about 3/4 of an inch thick. Make a cut from edge of each cross-section halfway across to the center.
Insert a light from the Christmas light string into each cork slit, at the point where the base of the light joins the string.
Insert each cork into neck of red-tinted odd-shaped plastic bottle.
Festive red light string!
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OT-I keep forgetting to mention a very funny book I received from my boss for Christmas-It’s called Kafka’s Soup-A complete history of world literature in 14 recipes. It has recipes like Lamb with Dill Sauce a la Raymond Carver and Boned Stuffed Poussins a la Marquis de Sade. The recipes run several pages and you have to extract the directions from the prose. The Onion Tart a la Chaucer is pretty challenging to decipher.
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“Now Achilles chopped the garlic and, in a separate cauldron given by Agamemnon, fried the onions and garlic, nor did he stop frying until the onions began to brown. Then he added the tomatoes, the puree, the vegetables and the bay leaves to heat and simmer for 15 minutes. Now Nestor the wise, with the guidance of Athene, persuaded them to combine the contents of the two cauldrons into one.”
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Oh what fun! Will have to look for that.
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like, like, like
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Well, future archeologists might be interested in my collection of musical instruments, about half of which are really unique because they were made by friends of mine. I consider myself very lucky to know such talented people and my collection is my own treasure.
They would be confounded, though, by Hortense. Hortense is a dead fly. She rests in a lovely little coffin made of a little old box that once contained a fresh supply of checks. The box is decorated with black tissue paper and tiny pink silk roses. It’s filled with fleecy cotton and the tiny, dessicated body of old Hortense.
One Thanksgiving, years ago, Hortense became trapped in a window, between the exterior storm window and the interior window. The window was locked and plastic put over it for the winter. Hortense buzzed softly in her prison. Bets were made. I bet that she would go to sleep, like so many flies in windows do, and wake up again with the sun in the spring. My entire family laughed. They bet that Hortense would die.
Spring came – my birthday in April brought sunshine and a family potluck. The plastic had come off of the window. There was a small pile of cards and gifts, among them a black, tissue paper-wrapped box… I lost the bet but now am the owner of one Hortense the Fly, deceased. What would an archeologist make of that? A strange religion?
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A ceremonial object, of course.
Or they could simply say it was some mummiflied king.
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Wall-E about the best animated movie I know; Up is up there, too.
Up north I had to crawl under the house spring and fall to prepare the house for each season. One fall after that our neighbor’s cat was gone for 10 days or so. Then I heard it under the house. It survived just fine.
So Panera was an experiment that failed. Old people other than me like to cluster and drench themselves in scents. With about 10 people in the store, a woman had to sit right next to me reeking of perfume, which sets me off of course. So I moved and then a man sat next to me reeking of cologne.
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ill bet 4 or 5 trips would enearth a regular spot that was scent free. hang in there clyde. you’ll find a group. or at least a spot
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There is half a “brick” encased in a plastic bag in our kitchen, which I imagine will mystify anyone… it started out to be panettone but didn’t quite get there. Husband tried baking it anyway, and now it could be used as a doorstop. Reminds me of an old Bob and Ray routine about preserved meatloaf … come to think of it, I think Dale played it on the Morning Show!
They will also wonder at the tiny “goldfish net” that is kept by the bathtub; we use it to scoop hair etc. out of draining bathwater, so we don’t have to unclog the drain as often (have some old plumbing issues in this old house). And the “dead” teabags that I sometimes leave around the house, wherever I’ve plopped down with the morning tea. Looking at one on the windowsill right now…
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Lesson in archeology: my black belt (no, not Joanne’s kind) about 2 months ago. I looked through a dozen times at least. Yesterday I bought I new one. So guess what I just found.
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RE: the “boring highway” posts — we got lucky when driving back from Iowa yesterday. It had been foggy there Sunday night, and so half of our usually boring I-35 route was turned into winter wonderland by the unusual presence of hoar frost… trees, bushes, corn stubble, even stalks of weeds in the ditches, pampas grass, you name it — all had that coating of fuzzy white.
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Yes, there was lovely hoar frost here in Bullhead world yesterday. What a great day for a drive, Barbara!
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Collection of piggy banks that is currently residing in the attic may raise a few eyebrows. Especially the standing pig wearing overalls w/ the shock of red hair.
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Daughter has a piggy bank with a sparkly tiara. Clearly the Queen Pig with her loyal subjects, painted pig, smaller pig and painted-pig-with-stickers.
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Exactly the kind of pig that ends up in my collection. If she ever tires of it, you know where you can send it!
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I have a collection of old Rolling Stone and Crawdaddy magazines from 30 years ago or more. Also several Peanuts calendars from the 70’s, and some Girl Scout cookie posters, and a special issue of Tiger Beat magazine examining the then-burning question of whether Paul was dead. All fascinating to future historians, I’m sure.
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Linda in St. Paul – nice project you described. Where do you get the red-tinted odd-shaped plastic bottles?
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clydes post earlier on target perscription bottle
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When you have a prescription filled at Target, you have to choose what color bottle they use for you. Clyde’s are red (so are mine). If you turn the bottles sideways they sort of resemble the shape of a Christmas tree bulb, the really big old-fashioned kind.
I’ve been thinking I should ask them to switch me to green for awhile for variety.
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