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… And One Giant Lie for Mankind

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Former legit radio reporter Bud Buck has been sending breathless, fact-free, over-the-top dispatches for the past two years as he tries to find his place in the new world of digital journalism. Few have taken notice. I know he has been disappointed that none of his reports have “gone viral”. He can’t even get sued. In his latest act of desperation, he’s abandoning the pretense of reporting a story, and is hoping to gain our attention as a commentator.

“Fake” Mars Landing is Clearly Fake
by Bud Buck

What would you do if you were leading a government project that couldn’t be kept secret, that needed plenty of time and an incredible amount of luck to succeed? Something so dangerous it could easily fail and cause widespread embarrassment? Something so provocative and unsettling to the rest of the world that it’s completion could upset the balance of power?

You would lower expectations, of course. You would tell the story of your project in such a way that people would feel sorry for you. You would frame the discussion so that it centered around all the ways your efforts are probably inadequate. In short, you would perpetrate the biggest ruse in history with the most shocking surprise ending since they opened the Trojan Horse and all those soldiers tumbled out.

That’s why I believe yesterday’s “fake” Marswalk, staged by the European Space Agency and Moscow’s Institute of Biomedical Problems is, in fact, real.

Yes, they’re up there. And of course they’re saying it’s simulated. That takes the pressure off, and managing pressure differentials is crucial in all space travel. Had word gone out that this effort was an actual mission, every step would be covered live on global television. That would set the stage for a possible humiliation. Nobody wants to be the guy whose space suit springs a leak with three billion watching in prime time. And nobody wants to have to explain to people whose blood is boiling why they let a guy’s blood actually boil.

Better to pretend that it’s just six guys playing “space house” in a Moscow suburb.

Nothing is more attractive to the world’s press than an obvious effort to hide something, and that’s why the genius stroke in all this was the decision to invite coverage of the mission as a “simulation”. As soon as it appeared the scientists were desperate for our attention, interest from the world’s press faded to almost nothing.

Meanwhile, these space pioneers, masquerading as test subjects, climbed into what is obviously a child’s version of a rocket set up in some Russian warehouse, and immediately went out a secret exit in back, where they were piled into a waiting van and driven to a launch pad in Siberia where they began the real mission in utter secrecy.

Do I have proof? Of course not! The mere existence of proof would prove that there is not a highly competent and vast conspiracy to cloak the diabolical nature of this effort.

Look carefully at the photos they claim were made as part of the “test”. Check out the soil. That color red is not found anywhere on Earth. Not even in Russia!

Officials claim the crew for this 520 day “experiment” is made up of six “men”. But I’ve seen photos of the “Marswalkers” in their space suits, and I don’t think there’s any way you could get a European man to wear something so roomy, or to look so soft and adorable. Of course they’re saying all the guys are men. That keeps us from thinking about the real purpose of the trip, which is to populate Mars with aggressive Russians and haughty Europeans so they can look down their noses at us from even farther away.

When the first Mars baby is born, that’s when we’ll start to get the actual story.

The timing of this thing is perfect. America has just faced a “Sputnik Moment” with regard to school test scores, and other “Sputnik Moments” in foreign manufacturing, green technology, and telemarketing. We have “Sputnik Moment” fatigue. And we’re also running low on quotation marks to indicate something is “phony”.

All I’m saying is that we need to prepare for a shocker. Mark my words. The fake mission is REAL!

This is Bud Buck!

Bud is safe here in assuming that his commentary will have very few readers and almost nobody will “mark his words”. But if the impossible happens and his wild imaginings turn out to be true, he’ll be lauded as one of the world’s leading investigative journalists, and perhaps even a prophet!

Are you any good at keeping a secret?

79 thoughts on “… And One Giant Lie for Mankind”

  2. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    Yes I am good at keeping a secret. I can be so good at tight lips that people think I have lockjaw. Some of it is professional training. Some of it is just me.

    However, lying is a different story. And lying for attention is the oldest ruse in the world — note Chicken Little. “The Sky Is Falling, The Sky Is Falling!” Digital or not, the Chicken Little effect is the same.

    But Bud, you are also missing the audio-effect of your voice. That Bob and Ray effect nasal thing was 50% of the presentation that got my attention. Dale recently obtained a tape recorder. I think you will need to do an audio-blog (also called a podcast) to get the full effect of your, um, strategy, such as it is. Surely if You-Tube clips appear here, you can also do audio clips for the full effect. You are just not a written word “journalist!”

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  3. Good morning ro all,

    Am I good at keeping secrets? Well, I’m not going tell my secret that my name is not really Jim and I don’t really live in Clarks Grove. Woops, I guess I’m not good with secrets or am I like Bud, making up things to get attention?

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  4. Yes, I am excellent at keeping secrets-partly PK training, partly self-preservation. I am also a very smooth liar when necessary or telling the truth would do no one any good.

    I can’t give you examples because, well, that would be telling.

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      1. “everything I say is a lie”–the ultimate, oh bother, is paradox the word I am looking for??? help me out here, oh literate Baboons!

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      3. actually, I am really very much in favor of telling the truth on principal, but when the truth will only be painful and cause harm, I can lie like a rug.

        S&h is honest to a fault-will ‘fess up to anything.

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  5. I’m not sure if I’m good at keeping secrets. My theory is that is I know something worth keeping a secret, then probably everybody else already knows. Not sure if this means I’m not a gossip, which would be good, or if I’m must clueless, which would be bad!

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    1. No, tim, I think you do tell the truth at times, but how can we tell the true statements from the lies? I’m fairly sure you are lying about never telling the truth.

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      1. What we need for reading tim is the right”tell.” Do you know what a “tell” is? The word is from poker. It is some little tic or mannerism that people have when they lie. For example, how can you tell Dick Cheney is lying? Easy. He tilts his head!

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  7. Good morning, all.

    Yes, I am very good at putting things in “the vault” and not sharing the combination. This personal quality is related to another, which compels people, even strangers, to share their personal stories and secrets with me. I guess I missed my calling as a psychologist, though the fact that I inadvertently advertise a certain trustworthiness doesn’t guarantee my competence at assisting with others’ troubles.

    Been busy. Just checking in. –Elinor

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    1. if you ever have any need i am expert at fixing all of everyone elses troubles. some they didn’t even realize they had until i point them out.

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      1. Sit beside the breakfast table/Think about your troubles
        Pour yourself a cup of tea/Then think about the bubbles…
        Nilsson

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  8. hey that rube goldberg experiment on he highlighted on buds blog is one great job. i think maybe the baboons shoulyd enter the science competition. baboons in space anyone. ( i see a movie in the making) goats in baboon costumes? how would you do that?

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  10. This is exceptionally complex for me. As a storyteller, I have a burning desire to brighten the lives of others with stories. “It is what I do.” But some stories are more confidences than stories; to share them might betray the person who trusted me with that story.

    As time goes on, I have learned to keep more stories “in the vault,” even when I’ve been authorized to share them. For a storyteller to have good stories that can’t be shared is like going about with dozens of mosquito bites that can’t be scratched. But then, whether we go to heaven or hell, eternity is a long time, and it might be nice to have a few special stories to tell when things get slow :).

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    1. Steve, do you do any storytelling at festivals and other places where storytellers preform? There is a retired farmer from this of the state, Mike Cotter, who has become a professional storyteller who preforms at festivals across the country.

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    2. steve just change a few details and have the story end with the main character get run over by a truck unless the main character is a truck , then have it get run over by a giant truck

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  11. I’m usually really good at keeping secrets, though I’ll think on that for a while. And as already noted, I can also hide things from myself.

    OT – Off to Husband’s first Cardiac Rehab session this morning! I’ll check in later…

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    3. I thought I would never be able to talk to groups of people, but when I had to do it, I learned that I could. Steve, you might find that you can over come this fear if you give it a try.

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    4. Some of the great performers had stage fright. The great actor Sir Laurence Olivier experienced periods of extreme stage fright. Barbra Streisand also suffered from performance anxiety as I recall. So it’s not unusual, Steve, but certainly difficult to overcome. And who knew there was a drug to cure it — hot damn!

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  13. I have to be prepared to keep secrets every time I leave my home since I have worked as a psychologist in the same small community for 20+ years and have treated such a large number of people that I almost always run into at least one of them. We then do the “do you know me or not ” dance, in which I let them take the lead involving eye contact (or not), verbal or non-verbal acknowledgment (or not), or full update of condition and functioning (or not) which usually occurs in the checkout line at Walmart or the grocery store.

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  15. I kept a huge secret for ten years. When it came time to tell, I didn’t want to divulge what I knew. When I was told that I was throwing myself under a bus for someone who probably didn’t deserve that kind of loyalty, I spilled. Oh, did I spill.

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  16. Afternoon—

    I can keep a secret as long as I can share with someone first…

    Now my wife; I tell her something and it’s in the VAULT! In fact I can’t usually get back out what I told her in the first place; she’s that good…
    I have a friend; we all know this person can’t keep a secret so we’re all rather selective of what we tell that person…

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      1. Just finished reading a book with Daughter that used this as a plot device – the protagonist, a dog, needed to get word to a squirrel who had gone missing and dropped the information/”secret” with the weasels who lived at one end of the park…who dutifully passed along the “secret” to every animal they could find…

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    3. To tie this back into family, my family is pretty open with everything… there aren’t many secrets so therefore ‘Don’t think you can get away with anything’…
      Kellys’ family… everything was a secret; makes for lots of false smiles and the big white elephant….

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  18. Here’s something that’s no secret. Starting tomorrow, students will have a 6 day break. It was just on TV because the news people here can’t find anything better to report on. Some parents are happy because it gives their families a chance to get away. Other parents are unhappy because they cannot get away and have added daycare costs. Others, like me, are really happy because it gives them a chance to get away from these people’s kids It’s all relative. And interwinkled.

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    2. What a great word! Is interwinkled another word for the baboon dictionary? Or have I just missed all this time?

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    2. If you’re getting close, be careful of the roadways freezing. I just drove back from choir and it’s getting slippery.

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  20. Today’s Vignette: at breakfast room in motel at a table. 1) a 15-year-old male wearing headphones staring off into space in the practiced bored and put-upon manner of all 15-year-olds. 2) a 75-year-old male lecturing said 15-year old on how his mother had spoiled him and how he been made a real man by his demanding childhood and parents. 3) 75-year-old female ignoring the others while holding a Chihuahua in a thick jacket and spoon feeding it Fruit Loops and milk.

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