The Baboon Congress

Post Thurgery* Survival

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Today’s guest blog is by Barbara in Robbinsdale.

* Husband had open heart surgery on a Thursday in late January.

Please note – I am able to poke fun at this experience because:

a. There was no impediment to my staying home to nurse Husband. I can’t imagine the experience if he’d had to stay in, say, a nursing home …

b. Surgery was successful; Husband experienced no complications, and came through with flying colors.

c. It’s how I processed this one.

1. Visitors – Expect the unexpected; be prepared for anything. Some people won’t want to come anywhere near even a diagram of what happened to Patient. Others will enter with “Hey, can I see your scar?” the first thing out of their mouths.
Have a place cleared somewhere for flowers.

2. We may laugh at those airy little hospital gowns, but for a while Patient needs clothing that you can easily get on and off him/her. Hospital did not send a gown home with you, but you can fashion your own by taking one of Patient’s soft old t-shirts, slicing it up the back with a pair of scissors, and adding a safety pin. It won’t be as long as the hospital variety, so you’ll probably need to have Patient wear a robe over it, especially for visitors!

3. Pillows – Gather every pillow you have (and aren’t you glad you didn’t give half of them to Goodwill?) into a big pile near Patient’s bed. You don’t have a hospital bed anymore with the convenient push buttons. Every size of pillow you own will be enlisted at some point as Patient sits up, tries to sleep slightly reclined, and eats in bed.

4. Accept anything and everything people offer. This is not the time to practice Minnesota Nice: you don’t say, “Oh, no, you don’t need to do that” the first two times and accept on the third. You say “Yes, thanks!” the moment it’s out of their mouths, before they can change their minds.
(This IS hard to do all this accepting without immediately being able to reciprocate. When time allows, you will write thank you notes (even if some are by email). And when the tables are turned, you will reciprocate. If it makes you feel better, you can start planning now what food you will bring to them sometime.)

5. Alter your parameters about what constitutes a proper meal. With any luck you will have many meals given to you by kind, understanding friends and relatives. You will only have to supply, perhaps, a salad. See Illustration on left for a perfectly adequate salad.

6. Cleaning – If it’s big enough to endanger you or Patient, pick it up and toss it out of harm’s way. Everything else can wait. Keep in mind, though: a large enough dust bunny can be slippery.

7. It helps if you’ve kept a few toys from your kids’ childhoods, particularly that robotic arm “grabber thingy”, which Patient can use to reach things. Also a toy flute or recorder or kazoo (anything more pleasant sounding than a shrill whistle) by which Patient can summon you when you’re downstairs.

8. Self care – If you don’t get outside soon, you’ll go bonkers and then there will be two Patients and no Nurse. So enlist help from friends and relatives (anyone owe you a favor?) – preferably people whom Patient likes and trusts – to come in for a couple of hours at a time and relieve you.
Go get a massage, or see your chiropractor; stop at your favorite coffee shop and read something you don’t have time to read at home. Each time you go out will be easier, as you learn to trust that Patient will survive without you there.

9. Ego – You had one once; you’ll get it back again. For the first few days home, however, you won’t be needing it. This experience is an “ego-buster”. Whatever you had in mind for this week of your life can wait (even that newly re-discovered guitar). In fact, a lot of things can wait for a few of weeks, or even months. Your concept of What’s Important has just been radically altered. Patient needs you. Now. It’s a little like having a newborn, except that Patient will TELL you exactly what s/he wants and needs.

10. Although it may seem like there isn’t time, take some time now and then to just lie down next to Patient and listen to something like Dark Side of the Moon – some music that is meaningful to both of you. You’ll be amazed at how soothing this is.

What care giving and/or receiving wisdom would you add to the list?

60 thoughts on “Post Thurgery* Survival”

  1. thanks, BiR – a helpful and humorous guide that made good reading early in the morning. let’s see – Steve had a hip replaced a few years ago and i’ve wiped that first two weeks of recovery out of my mind. it went well, except for the dang TED socks on and off each day. and if that was the biggest trouble, well then we were pretty lucky. like you say – it puts things in perspective.
    thanks
    and a gracious good morning to You All.

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  2. Lovely BiR… it’s fabulous when you can keep/get back your sense of humor through a trial like this. My mother is going in for a new knee on Monday and it’s really hard for me to not be there (she’s in St. Louis and made a HUGE (I mean REALLY HUGE) fuss when I suggested that I could take off work and go down there). So I’m trying to content myself with assembling my care package today. I have sudoku, crosswords, a couple of frilly magazines, chocolates, cashews (her favorites) and when B&N opens in a bit, I have a list of authors who are supposed to be similar to Mary Higgins Clark.

    BiR – what else would you recommend w/ your recently acquired expertise?

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    2. A bendy straw and really short water bottle, so the straw can touch bottom. And, as Jacque mentions, make the books as lightweight as possible.

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      1. A kids cup with a straw works swell, too – Daughter has both some that are semi-disposable (brightly colored, no pictures) and some insulated with characters on them. We loaned some of the former to my folks when dad came home from the hospital.

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    3. Oooh, both great suggestions! I knew I could count on you all!

      OT – I have new goat pins designed. I don’t which of the new babies it is.. but I named the file Freya. I should have some tomorrow night!

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      1. we don’t know who is who yet either – the man who will probably buy them both is coming monday and will assign the two chosen names. can’t wait. they are really getting personalities already!

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    4. Also, VS, maybe some soothing music… I’ll probably be adding to this all day as stuff comes to mind. 🙂

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      1. Ha ha! My folks moved to a teeny tiny condo about 20 years ago, in what was to be a temporary move between houses. They stayed and stayed and stayed. I asked my mom once why they never moved out and my mom said “I can clean this whole condo in about 45 minutes.” But Merry Maids would be perfect for me — I don’t think I could get my whole house clean in 45 HOURS!

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    6. audio books-sometimes, getting the eyes do to reading is just too much (and when you dose off from your pain meds, you can always go back hear those bits again).

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  3. Rise and Shine Baboons:

    BiR–I’m impressed with the pictures that go with the comments. Very nice.

    I have LOTS of caregiver experience. As kids my sibs and I all participated in caregiving for my dad with MS. Then 4 and 6 years ago, when my mom had both hips replaced I went down to Iowa for a week to assist my mother post- surgery and post-rehab facility. My thoughts adding to BiR’s as follows:

    1. Bring easy reading material that you can frequently pick up and put down then immediately find your place. No Tolstoy.

    2. Put on your “Patience” hat. The patient is relatively helpless and you, the caregiver, are not. It is really hard to be helpless.

    3. Remind yourself that it is much worse to be the patient.

    Beautiful day on board! Get out and enjoy it.

    My office at work is under construction. So I am going to a conference in San Francisco tomorrow, then visiting a relative in San Diego, then grandkids in Phoenix. The co-worker left behind is accusing me of abandonment! I’ll check in from the road as I can.

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  5. Brilliantly done, BiR. This should be a pamphlet the hopital volunteers give out. I have linked this to friends who are going through the patient/caregiver experience (and doing a fine job of it too).

    I can’t think of much to add here. I have not been the primary care-giver (yet), but have been on the guest list in several different situations. One thing I have found with most patients is that it sometimes is helpful for them to have fresh ears to tell the story to-I’ve had only one surgery in my life (and got a baby for my trouble, so really not too bad a deal), but there is something about having something crazy done to your actual person that I think people need to tell about to be able to process the experience. If the caregiver can provide a stream of interested (non-squeamish) listeners, I think that helps.

    Kids as visitors can be good too. When my dad had his hip replaced, the s&h did all the therapy exercises right along with him (and as kids will, made sure that schedule was adhered to).

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  6. BiR Very well done!

    My caretaking responsibilities involved my son’s 14 surgeries and multiple fractures, so my perspective is different.

    I might add the following:
    1. Form a therapeutic alliance with health care team. Bring treats to clinic. Send thank you notes. Work together.
    2. Complain where you need to
    3. As a caretaker eat non-hospital food
    4. Ask hospital staff to shower and wash patient’s hair right before discharge
    5. Even as you indulge the patient remember you will have to live with him after recovery. Don’t allow him to become a brat.

    Baboons most important of all-Stay healthy!

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    1. I agree about non-hospital food. When I was in the hospital on bed rest awaiting the birth of our son, I was brought lots of Indian food (love those samosas)! It really helped me to keep my spirits up. I often wonder if all the Indian food played a part in my son marrying a girl from Calcutta?

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  7. I have not been a primary caretaker and I’m not particularly good at brining food, but I have found that cleaning up and washing the dishes helps the caretaker and is especially appreciated.

    But I will remember to refer to today’s blog in the future. Thanks, BiR.

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  8. Good morning to all:

    A few weeks ago I was doing some care giving myself. My wife had a bad infection in her throat that required hospitalization. Care giving is not one of my best skills. I have learned that I am not always good at focusing on what is needed. I think I did fairly well this time. There were a few times when I think I should have been paying more attention.

    One thing I noticed was that it was especially important to be there when visiting with my wife and not let my mind wander to some other place. I think your suggestion that self care is important is a good one, Barbara. I did take some time to do some things I wanted to do. I think I would have become a little too grumpy if I hadn’t taken time to do a few things for myself.

    Great job, Barbara! Text and pictures are both excellent.

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  9. Nice job, BiR. My daughter’s violin teacher’s husband, the cello player, was in a terrible car accident in January, severely damaged his left arm , among other injuries, and was just at Mayo to see what they can do for the arm. I believe they can replace destroyed arm tendons with leg tendons. All he hopes for is that he can at least hold a cello to demonstrate things for his Junior high orchestra students. The family has done well with the whole ordeal, and have managed to keep their humor, which I think is the key to survival with things like this.

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  10. Morning–

    I’m working a kids dance event this morning; waiting for the little 3-5 yr olds to start their routines… they sure are cute!

    I’m good at taking care of the outside stuff; cut the grass, shovel snow, wash the car…
    How about laundry? Shopping? Take out garbage?
    Paying bills, sorting mail if its someone that’s comfortable with you handling that.

    I’m lucky that exept for one sister out in PA, the rest of my family is in the healthcare industry and in the area… so they usually have things under control before I even hear about there was a situation.

    Take care all!

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    1. Shopping is handy – I wound up stopping enough at the grocery store on my way to my mom’s house the first couple of weeks Dad was home from the hospital that the cashiers started asking about it (I was in about the same time every day picking up things like milk, bread, fruit…). When I explained, one of ’em threw in a treat for Mom. 🙂

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    2. Ben – I have had “Where is the Chicken in the Chicken Chow Mein” going through my head all day…one of the songs for the young ones from back when I was lighting kids dance shows. Thanks, I think…

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  11. As secondary caregiver for my dad (Mom was primary) after Dad came home from the hospital, I would add a loud “yes please” to prepared food the patient can eat easily. Added bonus if it’s something that can be frozen and reheated later. Also, taking care of easy tasks around the house (yes, definitely dishes, also garbage, gathering recycling, laundry, whatever feels useful and comfortable). And oh my, yes, easy reading that you can put down and pick up.

    A laptop can be quite useful if you are lucky enough to be somewhere with a wireless network you can connect to (at my folks house we got permission to piggy back on the neighbor’s); handy for checking email, looking things up, and making virtual connections, as needed, with your support network without having to leave Patient.

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      1. My sister drew enormous support and pleasure from Caringbridge. She made that blog site the center of her life, and it served to put her in touch with a large circle of kind folks. She misses it now that her cancer doesn’t seem so threatening and she doesn’t have anything to say on her Caringbridge site.

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      2. I used Caringbridge to follow the medical problems of two people who I knew. I think it is a good thing for those who don’t mind sharing information about how they are doing with any one who knows them.

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  13. Greetings! Kudos to you Barbara — great blog with pictures. It’s wonderful to hear Michael is doing well and getting stronger, and you deserve a lot of thanks for taking such good care of him. I haven’t done much care-taking so far. I live 4-6 hours from most of my family, so I wasn’t there when my parents were ill before they died. I got there to visit a few times, but they were well taken care of in hospice or hospital situations. But I still found a way to fuss over them, especially Dad.

    My father had suffered a stroke that left him half-paralyzed, and he was neither a happy camper nor a good patient at the hospital. Occasionally, he would try to swing his good leg out of bed or try to get up. When that didn’t work, he would urge my brother, Andy (strong, hunky 6′ 3″) and one of my brother-in-laws to help him out of bed because “it’s criminal how they let me lay here all day.” When he was quiet, you could tell he was scheming of some way to get out.

    But my sisters and I doted on him as best we could. My father would get overly warm in bed with all those covers, so he liked to have his feet uncovered. Of course, the nurses would make his bed military style and tuck all covers in. After they left room, *we knew* how dad liked his covers, so we would pull them out and uncover his feet — just the way he liked. We couldn’t do much else for him, so that was our “thing.” The 2 nights I was there, I stayed awake in his room, watching over him and alerting nurses to anything, although they checked on him frequently.

    Mercifully, dad found his eternal release from paralysis with a bad bout of pneumonia. I still wish I could have been there, and it was 8-9 years ago.

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  14. Good to hear from you, Joanne. I, and I bet others, miss you Mon to Fri.
    Thanks, Barbara. Good humor.
    I am slowly becoming more and more of a care-giver, so I slowly develop more and more skills. Once our move is over (see my blog on Monday), I will have taken on most of the household chores, which is fine. My hardest problem is that my wife has always done everything slowly, and I cannot move slowly. I do the chores quickly. With her advancing lupus, my wife slows down more and more, thinks more slowly, stands around more and more, more and more often in my way, as I am trying to get things done quickly. Patience, patience, patience. Please, please, please. Amen
    When we were in Arizona visiting friends, my wife was dithering through a store, as per usual. As per usual, I went and sat in the car because I just cannot move slowly. My wife and I have done this for most of our 46 years of marriage. Since we cannot move at each others pace, we do not move together. And my wife treasures independence, does not like me near her because then she feels pressured to hurry. Her friend came out and excoriated me for not being with her, “What if she falls down?” This is my dilemma: how much space I give her, how much responsibility I take for her, how much of the time. What are the signs that tell me I cannot let her do “that” anymore.

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    2. My mother managed to find a balance between hovering and allowing independence with my dad, but it took awhile of being patient, figuring out the hard way how much was “too much” (like “too much” independence was the time they were at church and she didn’t wait for him outside the restroom…another church member found him outside wandering around the church…that was a big clue that the dementia had taken another nose dive and it was time to step in more). It will be different with your wife, I’m sure, but there will be clues, and there may be times, like with my folks, that there is a near miss that allows the spouse who needs a little more hovering to realize they need a little more hovering.

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    3. Clyde, I don’t know what to say. It seems to me that you are handling your care taking duties very well. I’m sure it is hard to reach a balance between allowing your wife enough space and being there when you are needed.

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  15. Wow, if I ever publish a pamphlet for hospitals to give out, can I use all these additional ideas? And so many of the caregiving issues have come to light here – the need for slowing down and patience, the being attentive to “small” details like tight bedcovers, getting help with all the chores that have to keep getting done besides the caregiving, being an advocate when Patient is in the hospital, self care and keeping a sense of humor… I’m sure there are entire books are out there.

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  16. I am a job/ task blaster as a care giver
    Like ben lawn shovel paint move stuff organize tasks hit the hardware store transplant the garden is where my calling lies. I am ok at spelling the nurture person but I tend to try to do 6 things at once and am not good at the pat on the head for the sicky. I talk about moving forward and maintaining positive progress but if it’s pity that’s needed I suck. Bsbooners seem like exactly what is called for when the chips are down . I’d go with thR above programs amy time . Bless all you kind patient baboons

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    1. Steve, I know some people are better at care giving than others. It isn’t one of my top skills. I think it is a skill that is good to have and one that can be developed. As I see it, care giving has always been a good skill to have and it is a skill that might not be as highly valued as it should be in the world we live in today, but is still very much needed. That’s just my opinion for whatever it is worth.

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  17. Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
    – Maya Angelou

    (The robotic arm grabber thingy is important. Pink Floyd is elegant.)

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    2. I amused the obstetric anesthetist quite a bit when he came in and discovered that my “relaxation” music was Cyndi Lauper and 80s dance music. (In his words, “I’ve given an awful lot of shots to an awful lot of women in labor and heard an awful lot of music – but this is the first time I’ve heard Cyndi Lauper.” It was from a dance mix put together by a friend and made me think of my pals…which made me happy…and relaxed…to a new wave beat…)

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      1. “Hey, hey — they say I better get a chaperone
        Because I can’t stop messin’ with the danger zone…”

        This was really new to your obstetric anesthetist? I find that hard to believe.

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      3. Our sons ‘birth music’ was Bugs Bunny on Broadway. I know, right!?
        Jim Ed and Dale played sons in his honor on his birthday several times…
        And if that is what happens to be responsible for our sons great sense of humor then I’m glad we did it…

        ‘The Wall’ and ‘Momentary Lapse of Reason’ are my favorite Pink Floyd…

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      4. I’m sure when he rolled is little red cart full of morphine and other goodies into my room that doc wasn’t expecting, “ooooh giiirls just wanna have fu-un, yeah, girls just wanna have fun!” It does make my (other) book club giggle whenever it comes up on the rotation at our dance parties. Ms. Lauper takes on a whole new meaning when you’ve had intrathecal morphine pumped into you to the sounds of her gleeful singing.

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      5. Never done labor and was unaware of the concept of “birth music”-the things I come here to learn. Have to say, there is something kind of twisted about combining labor and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, but boy can I picture somebody doing that in a movie soundtrack!

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