The Baboon Congress

Leonard … It’s Over! – Steve

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Today’s guest blog is by Anna.

Seeing this message written in the snow, carefully laid out by someone adept enough to leap to the right spot to start the next letter, you can tell this is a message sent with care. A message with a story; a story one might find an obvious start to, given that this missive is directly below the heart-shaped “M+S.” But that seems too trite. Frankly, I think the “M+S” is there as a clever bit of misdirection. Here is what I think led up to the note in the snow:

Tomorrow is the last one, better do it right. One final job for Leo, then I’m on to the next adventure. Small thing, should be an easy acquisition. Not my favorite, but the price is right and a body does have bills to pay. It is amazing what people are willing to shell out to have me do the dirty work of getting something; high pay for challenging procurements. I am just a well-paid expeditor and shipper, a liberator of information and doodads.

And monkeys. Why did this last one have to be a monkey? Monkeys are noisy, foul and they steal my fruit. Last time I had a gig with a monkey he sat on my fedora, left scat on the top of the piano and tried to have his way with my Chewbacca doll. I wish I weren’t so good with monkeys. Small monkey, Leo said, a marmoset. A marmoset with a penchant for ping pong, killer skills mixing a dry martini, and other “unnamed” abilities the client wants. Stick him in your pocket and you’re good to go, Leo says. With something that tiny and my big duster coat to hide it, it should be an easy move from the lab to the meet up. Good thing I’m not a gin drinker or it might be tempting to keep this one around, just for kicks.

Dad said I should have become a dentist. Mom was hoping for an MBA. Four years of cultural anthropology and another two at chef’s school and I’m stuck ferrying bar tending monkeys for cash.

Focus. Get the goods, write a note in the melting snow, and get the final payment. Leave Leo to the foul play without me from now on. This is the last time, Mom, I promise. Your little Stevie starts grad school Monday.

Ever send a coded message?

69 thoughts on “Leonard … It’s Over! – Steve”

  1. Good morning to all:

    Very, very, clever, Anna. Of course, I’m sure you all know that most of the comments I make on this blogg are coded messages. As a married person, I have become skilled at coded messages. Lots of times in a marrage it is better to not say anything that can be held againest you. A coded message is best and it will be understood, but can be denied. For example, ” are you cold?” might mean “why do you keep turning down the thermostat?”.

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  3. I love the creativity of your blog, Anna. And I’m totally unequal to you today. I can’t figure out who is zinging whom, and how does monkey poo figure in here? Is there a Cliff’s Notes version of this for those of us too befuddled at this time of day to get it?

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  4. Fabulous Anna!

    Of course now I’m going to wonder about what kind of double life you’ve been leading all this time.

    Jasper Fforde would be proude!

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    1. I’m not familiar with Jasper Frorde. I checked and found out he writes dective novels. Is that right? I like dective novels and will look forward to reading one of his books if that what he writes.

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      1. Jim-
        Jasper Fforde writes crazy detective novels that take place in a parallel universe, involve time travel and crimes against literature. I am so jealous of the Baboons that got to see him, I could just spit (except I think spitting is vile and I don’t do it).

        They are darn clever, I hope you do try out the Erye Affair (first in the series) and find it enjoyable.

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      6. Thanks for the information on Jasper. I think I lost a comment. If my lost comment turns up it will be another thanks for information. It could mysteriously appear a little like the glove that Steve mentioned below.

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  5. I can think of only one time I sent a coded message, and I hope this is in the spirit of Anna’s question. It is a long story. Sorry.

    When I was married I got used to doing what I regarded as foolish errands. If Kathe directed me to find a right-handed fountain pen, I would give the search my best effort before reporting back that I had let her down again. She finds it easy to ask others to help her. I learned to smile and go along with it, for that preserved the peace and good will in our home.

    But at times my good nature was stretched, like the time we hunted for her lost glove. Kathe reported she had lost the left side of her favorite winter gloves. She had spent a Saturday driving around doing errands, and the glove must have fallen out somewhere along that route. Her plan was to drive everywhere she had been the day before while we both looked for the glove.

    “But Kathe,” I protested (mildly), “it just snowed four inches. If you lost the glove doing your shopping Saturday, it is now under four inches of snow.”

    “I like that pair of gloves.”

    “Okay . . . we’ll look.”

    And we did. The snowfall was fresh and pretty, making it a pleasant day for a drive, and we had a bright March sun to help us spot the glove. I had a wry smile that I didn’t let Kathe see as we drove around looking for a flat glove under four inches of snow. And believe it or not . . . we did not spot the glove.

    Back home, I walked through our garage to take out the garbage. And there was the missing glove lying on the garage floor. I picked it up. Right away, I knew I couldn’t just give it to her. After our two hours of touring snowy Saint Paul, she wasn’t going to get the glove back that easily. I wanted to send a coded message.

    I had gotten tickets for us to see Altan in concert. The Irish super-group was playing at the O’Shaughnessy Theater at Saint Kate’s. And I had tickets for the very front row.

    When we got to our seats, I waited for Kathe to get distracted with her coat. Then I dropped the glove on the floor right in front of her. Perhaps you baboons know the squirrely sense of anticipation that takes over you when you have set something up like that. I almost shivered with delight while we made small talk. Kathe didn’t see the glove for several minutes. And then she did.

    “Oh, look! A glove.”

    “Hey, it might be that karma thing. You are missing a glove. If you’ve been a good girl, this might be your reward.”

    “Geez, it even resembles my missing glove.”

    “What are the odds of that? Try it on.”

    “It fits! It fits!”

    At this point, the woman sitting next to me was making the dee-doo-dee-doo sound of the old “Twilight” show theme. When Kathe found that the glove fit, this woman said, “That’s it for me! This is getting too weird. I’m outta here!” And she left.

    “Omigod!” cried Kathe. “It is MY glove! Look, here is the place I always pinch it to take it off! Now HOW did my missing glove end up in this theater?”

    And of course, I told her. But I didn’t mention the part about how this was related to two hours of driving around on a fresh snow. Kathe’s smart. She could figure that part out on her own.

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      2. which brings us nicely to the story I was told by the guy who worked as designer for the costume shop at the clown college in Florida (no, I am not making this up). Interns would often as what color thread to use when sewing up the loud plaids they were invariably handed-they were told to use plaid thread.

        Designers sometimes have time to hang out in the shop, waiting for the next fitting, so this guy took it upon himself to make a box of “plaid thread”.

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    2. Sending a spouse to the ‘parts store’ is always seen as sending them on a wild goose chase. Even when we don’t mean too. “Go to John Deere and get a seed sensor for a 7000 planter”. Sounds simple enough but there will never be enough instructions. The parts guy will always come up with something more. ‘Three wire or 4 wire sensor?’ ‘New model or old model?’ ‘Consertill? Or Normal discs?’
      The cell phone has helped with this. Prior to them we just hoped the 20 minute drive home would give said spouse enough time to cool off.
      Really; it’s the same as sending the husband to buy femine products… so many options!! Purple box? Pink box? Wings? Night time use??

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      1. My method for ensuring I will get what I need from the hardware store (or the feminine products aisle), is to send Spouse with the box or packaging, if I can. “Here – get me this,” works swell…at least if the “this” in question is in stock…

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      3. If you buy one of each and keep the reciept you have I solved all at once and then just take the 3 wire one back cause any fool knows the 4 wire one works better. Then its just a matter of remembering to take them back and not put them on the parts bench or in the medicine cabinet depending on the item at hand

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  6. Rise and Shine Baboons:

    In San Francisco STOP Had really bad jet lag yesterday STOP T PAW and MB in the news out here STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP no more exports

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      1. We have never had a better example of the how not to be variety an with the current crop, tpaw,mb,newt,Sarah,huck. What a bunch of one note wonders. Tpaw will have to wait to find out what his views are supposed to be. That’s how he got to where he is today where ever that is, by declaring his undying allegiance after the fact to the cause of the hour then recreating his image to ore tend it’s how he always was. He is now religious after the release of his latest book. Never is 8 years of governorship did it come up but the people who direct wonder how rove is doing know that god is worth 35% of the population. More then cfl or GOP allegiance. Go tpaw, with god, you and w have the inside track on providence

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  7. When she was much younger, my daughter and I had a communication code for instances when we were in venues in which we couldn’t sit together but had important things to say-all done with subtle hand gestures and eye movements. This usually occurred at church and choir or band concerts when I had things to let her know, such as “you better start watching the director instead of making eyes at your friends in the audience”, or “I know I your father and I are singing he church choir and you are sitting by yourself, but if the congregation is standing up and singing, you better be standing up, too”. Her communications are fewer and consist mainly of “I’m getting a ride home with Anna after the concert” or “My horn valve is sticking.”

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    1. Hear you on the choir situation! I lobbied hard against the decision to put the choir right in the front, facing the congregation, as it makes it harder to give “the look”, and yet all too easy to have to see what is going on.

      Being as there are just the 2 of us, I have to constantly remind the s&h to not talk in “short-hand”-all the inside jokes and references that nobody else will get.

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  8. Several years ago, we had a deaf congregant at our church and for about a year, a ASL interpreter did all the services. This made the child very curious, so we invested in a couple of books and learned a handful of signs. Most of those have fallen by the wayside, but “come here”, “now” and “thank you” are still used occasionally. They are very handy when you can’t yell across a room or when you are trying to surreptitiously tell your teenager to say thank you to someone. Now that I can think of this as a code, maybe we should learn a few more signs!

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  9. This might be a good time to mention something that amazed me a few weeks ago. My grandson’s daycare operation is using ASL with the tots that cannot speak. That is, little kids that cannot form sentences can be taught a few signs that let them communicate urgent needs. Liam’s first two signs were to request MORE of something or to indicate that he had enough of it. Some kids can sign to indicate that they are crying because their Binky bear (or whatever) is on the floor.

    Apparently, some kids were taught signing at home. They began signing to teachers and other kids at daycare. When teachers learned a few signs, they taught them to more kids. Cool!

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    1. When Daughter was a toddler and learned the sign for “more” she was a much happier, much less frustrated, kid. We did some at home and her daycare did some signing, but “more” was the only one that stuck.

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  10. Teaching my son the sign for toilet reduced loud announcements. Perhaps the marmoset can learn the sign and reduce the amount of monket poo tossed around.

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  11. Well, I’ll confess to having used song requests on LGMS/RH to make a statement when one could not be made out loud with decorum.

    Couldn’t say for sure whether the intended recipient decoded, or even heard, but it was more important to have the thing expressed. Sort of like writing it on a slip of paper and burying it in the back yard.

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    1. Oh, I think I know what you mean. My dad used to work at a factory that made stuffed animals. The production manager was loathed by all the women in the factory, so they had a standing request with the local radio station. At a certain time each mornng, the deejay said, “And here is a special request for Gene Sussman from all the girls at Collegiate Manufacturing!”

      Gene was just thrilled that his workers would honor him this way. It wasn’t until the thing had played every morning for two weeks that somebody suggested to Gene that there was a coded message here:

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  12. A wet, ‘mopping up’ kinda morning to you all…
    (Nothing serious, just the usual random leaks at the college…)

    The comments about sign language are good. Our daughter learned some sign language at an early age too. It does make a lot of the communication MUCH easier… and it’s pretty cool that such young kids can make that connection.

    I don’t speak in code so much… but I do enjoy messing with my son’s head. Or some of the students here. I’m not witty enough to do it with clever word-speak but I am pretty good at telling them jibberish with a straight face. And as George Costanza says ‘It’s not a lie if you believe it’…
    First and foremost, we have to keep ourselves amused, right??

    Later gang–

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      1. Wow you must be stronger than you look, BiR….Able to rearrange a basement. Did you have to shift the house to accomplish the task?

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      2. Kind of a long story involving pieces of vinyl placed where I pretended they wouldn’t get soaked come spring – furniture moving was involved…

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  13. I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of hours now and although I remember playing with actual code writing when Joel was in maybe 3rd grade, I couldn’t come up with anything concrete. BUT our society has all kinds of code messages, i.e. the Minnesota Nice custom of accepting only on the third offer. When my mom says “Oh, I’m just sooooo glad to see you” it means, “I really could use a visit more often than every 2 months!” And if Mom stops herself from talking about a topic with…”but enough about that!” I know there is much more that I should probably hear about.

    I am constantly second guessing certain relatives, deciphering the comment for what it really means. “Do you think maybe we should…?” means “I’d really like to…”

    I have a feeling I’ll think of more throughout the day… Fun one, Anna!

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  14. Could I interest anyone in playing a little game of “Minnesota language?”

    “Coffee? Oh, no! I couldn’t put you to the bother! I’m just fine!”
    I’d die for a cup of coffee.

    “Oh, you’ve already made a pot? Well, in that case a cup would be really nice.”
    Dammit, I already told you I want coffee!

    (Upon being asked if the sushi tastes good): “Well, now! That stuff sure is . . . sure is INTERESTING!”

    That’s the worst thing I ever ate and I’m waiting for a chance to run to the bathroom to wash my mouth out!

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    1. Then there’s the office cookie plate. There’s one cookie left and no one will take it, because that would be rude. Someone else might want it. Then someone breaks it in two and takes half. The last half will sit there forever.

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    2. And the responses:

      Are you sure? It’s not too much trouble. (I want some, so would you just tell me you want some too so I don’t have to drink the stuff in front of you.)

      No really, I was going to make a pot anyway. (For the love of Pete, just say you’d like some!)

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      1. I have a friend and when I go to his house he asks if I’d like coffee and I say yes and fills the cup up 1/3 of the way and tells me I can have more, then watches me unconsciously drink it in 12 seconds and asks if I want a refill and he gives me another 1/3 of a cup which I drink in 12 seconds and he refills with…1/3 of a cup

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  15. I forgot to say what a fun story you have this morning Anna– Any idea where the message in the snow is written?

    For you math geeks out there; we’re hosting “Calculus: The Musical” today http://matheatre.com/calculus/
    You don’t have to be a geek… it’s A fun show; they were here last year for three performances… another this evening at 7:30 if anyone is available. They just came from LaCrosse so keep your ears open; they may be in your neighborhood next!

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    1. Wish I could make the trip south tonight – sounds like a fun evening!

      And the photo was taken by my husband from one of the bridges on the U of M campus (truth be told, I’m not sure which one). I’m sure the message has melted by now. 🙂

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  16. I don’t know that it’s code, but if my husband and I get separated in a store, theater, or similar setting, we cough and are able to reunite by tracking the distinctive and familiar sound.

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    1. My folks had a special whistle they would do when they wanted to alert the other, or get them to come to another part of the house without yelling… I can hear it now.

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    2. i call out for my kids in a crowd by a deep gutteral grunt,
      devin, tara, spencer, olivia, emma all sound the same to the untrained ear in a one sylable diaphram driven push but i can call them from across a football field and each responds only to their own name.

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  17. Completely OT – but eerie and weird.

    I read the book “Blink” a couple of months ago (by Malcolm Gladwell). He has a section in the book about a chair manufacturer, who had chairs that were universally panned by focus groups, but when people sat in them, they were completely turned around. This chair was called the Aeron chair.

    Just got an email from corporate that in the next couple of months everybody here is getting a new ergonomic chair. Anybody see where this is going??? Yes, we are all getting the Aeron chair!

    When my worlds collide, it sometimes gives me goosebumps!!!

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    1. Those chairs are 1000 dollars each. My friend reps Herman miller and it is one of the top if not the top item. China sells the knock of for 100. They are great chairs by the way but you are supposed to be measured for them. They allow your backside to be supported and breathe which you never realized was a problem until you sit in one of these wonders. I love design and creativity.

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      1. I’m looking forward to it… if only because I can say I read a book about the chair I’m sitting on!!!!

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  18. Anna – you are so cleaver! thanks for this today – a blizzardy, cold, snowy, slippery day.
    i don’t like code spoken to me. the little town where i grew up was really good at what you all were just talking about. but instead of interesting, Steve, the word was “different” and that meant not good. it was said to be polite, and left at that it would have been fine. but then the polite person would proceed to tell everyone they saw the next day how awful (whatever) was. 🙂 or it would get told in a sideways manner. as i cut my Grandma’s hair and she would say “i think Steve’s a nice guy – i don’t know why your Mom doesn’t like him……….”
    but then it is also very difficult for me to be forthright until i get angry – that’s not good either!
    thanks for an imaginative take on this, Anna
    a gracious good night to You All

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  19. Anna I have chewed on this all day and I decided I just love the premise of making up the story to go with the disjointed chance of life you pulled out of your hip pocket. I have seen others do this and the imagination and freedom it allows is great. I am going to try it out a couple of times and report back in. It feels like an excellent exercise for cranking the creative juices up a couple of notches.
    Ever spoken in code? Ya I am the sideways talking son of a gun that sometimes says what he means and then that is confusing. Straight talk is the challenge not coded talk. I am thinking the GOP legacy could be quelled today if the cfl would simply say ok to all the GOP demands and suggestions. It would be phenomenal to show the world how stood it all really is by letting it happen and showing them what you get with these idiot proposals

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  20. Hope all who went out tonight made it back home safe and sound. Got back from choir a while ago – whew! what a mess.

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    1. Just back from my other book club – it is quite sloppy, and slow going. Hope all are in and safe.

      Thanks for putting up with my micro-fiction experiment!

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