Pseudo-journalist Bud Buck has been following the controversial smartphone data collection story, and has apparently decided there’s a larger audience hungry for fresh details that will push them to becoming even more alarmed. He is more than willing to provide them.
Some Cellphones Stalk Users
by Bud Buck
Hot on the heels of revelations that cell phone tracking data is being collected and stored by Apple and Google and that these phones log your whereabouts even when the location feature is turned OFF, I have uncovered an instance of a smartphone that knows where its user goes and how much time he spends there, EVEN WHEN HE IS NOT CARRYING THE DEVICE!
A Bud Buck Reports Investigation has discovered that at least one careless user, Thomas Carping of Belle Plaine, routinely leaves his phone at home, but the phone still somehow knows where he is.
“Usually I take it with me,” he explains, “and I’m always going to pretty much all the same places anyway. I know it remembers. So I guess when I accidentally leave it in the pocket of yesterday’s pants it still has enough information inside to predict where I’ll be. That’s really smart … and really creepy.”
Carping claims that when he inadvertently leaves home without his phone, other telephones around him tend to ring, and that those phones ring in sequence along a route he typically follows. People he has called in the past receive phantom calls.
Carping’s friend, Luanne Locavore, confirmed his assertion.
“Tommy walks into my place and he’s not here more than five minutes before MY phone starts to ring,” she says. “I pick it up and it’s just line noise, and then a hang up. I check the log and discover the call came from HIS cell, but he says he left it at home.”
Carping believes that smart phone designers have built the devices with “the soul-sucking, meddlesome personality of an obsessed harpy.” He claims he has made no commitment to the phone and yet it seems bent on “tracking my movements and going out of its way to ruin my fun.”
I found it surprising that he could have a mobile phone plan that required no extended contract or commitment, but Carping insisted it is true. He and the phone “are good friends. We’ve done some work together, but that’s as far as it goes. I am allowed to leave the house without it, no matter what the phone thinks.”
Locavore agrees, saying the phone “obviously has other ideas. It’s almost like it’s trying to find him.”
And those ideas may include more than a simple phone call. Locavore revealed this shocking tidbit – she insisted that Carping download the tracking data from his phone and they discovered that on some days when he left the phone in his pants pocket on the closet floor, the device actually went out in search of him.
“All the tracking information is in there,” she says. “One night when he said he didn’t have it, the records show it came and sat out in the street in front of my house! Creepy! What will I do if it rings the doorbell?”
Locavore finds it troubling that the device can form such a strong attachment, and she thinks Carping should do something “before it gets out of hand.”
Her suggestion?
“Drown it in a five gallon pail.”
Both Carping and Locavore took offense at this reporter’s offhand suggestion that perhaps Carping had more to hide than he was letting on, and that his phone was being operated by another person during the times when it appears to be trying to track him down.
“He’s single and lives alone,” said Locavore. “That’s what he’s always told me.”
Carping readily agreed.
“Yup,” he said. “That’s my story.”
But can anyone ever be truly alone once they become involved with a smartphone?
Time will tell! This is Bud Buck!
Which of your appliances loves you the most?
Trail Baboon 
Rise and Shine:
This question has me stumped because I have never thought of appliances in this way. For now all I can do is list the candidates:
TV–hostile, especially since Comcast added their new digital system (read that messy, cord-ridden boxes that work intermittantly). I’m certain the TV’s pick up my hostility and respond in turn.
Microwave–reliable, but I regularly neglect it and leave messes. It must resent my neglect.
Computer–the most complex relationship. But presently my email is out to get me and not functioning well at home due to some complex thingy between qwest and my server. Computer also holds family pictures, writing samples, and the secret to time disappearing into the ethernet. I think it might be holding me hostage, but it is too cagey to say it directly.
Vacuum cleaner–resentful because I hire a cleaning lady to make it run. Accuses me of not loving it enough. I think it is correct. It must be the one out for revenge.
I think I’m warming to the topic. Off to the day.
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Very warm!
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the calendar, the contacts, the google access and facebook, the reminders the flashlight. who needs anything more. if it were my phone or my wife i know which one would have more of my personal information in their memory banks. i have other other stories i tell my wife that i have never told my cell phone but then again its never asked.
my laptop is the other thing that has become mandatory. i was without one for a week and had to use others for a month and i thought the world had come to an end. between goggling every thought that comes to mind. researching the needed information to make it through the day. my car and my bathtub are the only other requirements i have to make it through the day. microwaves and food processors help in certain but they are not required like the phone or laptop. if they start clling me though it could be trouble. sounds like the makings for a steven king carrie knock off dale. get to work
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OR Dr. Larry Kyle. The first combination of an appliance and a food. A stalking what….Bean Stalk?
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Maybe it is a bean stalk created by Dr. Kyle that is carrying the cell phone that seems to be doing the stalking.
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Oh, you don’t know Jack.
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Yes, I forgot about Jack.
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Maybe I’m Jack masquerading as Jacques. Jack the Bean Stalk was my teenage nickname (I was skinny then).
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All right, now I know Jack, also known as Jacque.
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to me it was perfectly clear. you cant hide form dales phone. it stalks you and never leaves you alone. everywhere you go the phone is there ahead of you. if you try to unplug it it turns into hal and tries to kill you. if you try to lay out a mental plan it is always one step ahead. it is the stalking entity form hell that will never leave you alone or let you sleep or try to live a life without its intervention. dr larry is your story not mine. no food in my story but an interesting story could be made about killer celery. stalking comes very naturally to celery.
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Cleaver tim – stalking celery…hee hee.
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The printer copier, perhaps, for after all, imitation is the sincerest from of flattery.
My vacuum does follow me around.
Several do get hot for me, but the George Foreman grill seems to get hot only for my wife.
I have the most complex relationship with the griddle; it’s a penis envy thing.
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just keep it away from the griddle
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We have a combination metronome/tuner that likes to remind us of its existence by turning itself on in tuner mode at random times. It lives in the violin case. It is kind of disconcerting when it blares a nice A while a person is going through airport security. It is easier to explain what it is than it is to explain what a violin shoulder rest is, however. That took some explaining and a demonstration at border security the first time we flew to Montreal.
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that sounds like a nifty thing to have, I had no idea such a thing existed-need a tuner if I ever get around to getting the harp out and learning to play it.
I used to travel with my suitcase, Featherweight sewing machine and cat stacked on a luggage cart in that order (bottom to top)-I doubt I would try that in these days of heightened security. Ah, the gypsy life!
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What sort of harp do you have, mig? We have a little folk harp that’s waiting for 25 years for someone to learn…
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Mine is also a folk harp that I got from Stoney End in Red Wing. I’ve always wanted to play a harp, but that simply was not done in western Iowa when I was growing up.
They say you should get rid of things if you haven’t used them in a certain amount of time, but I flatly refuse to accept that I won’t be needing harp, loom, or rosette irons at some point in the forseeable future. A future that requires only those things I am currently using on a regular basis is not something I even want to contemplate.
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A silver-scaled Dragon with jaws flaming red
Sits at my elbow and toasts my bread.
I hand him fat slices, and then, one by one,
He hands them back when he sees they are done.
William Jay Smith
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keep it away from the dragon too
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nice
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Good morning all:
The first appliance I thought of that seems to have a relationship with us is the dish washer. She even has a name, Gerta. Gerta stares at us. Her handle appears to be a mouth and there is a vent on one side and a control button on the other side that seem to be her eyes.
We’ve only had Gerta for a few years and didn’t have a dish washer before then, so she is special to us. I don’t know what Gerta is thinking or if she likes us. We like her and she is a family favorite. Actually I like hand washing dishes. However, I would be in trouble if I ever tried to get rid of Gerta.
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My Wii expects to be turned on every day. And unlike most appliances, it talks to me about it. In that slightly accusing yet chirpy tone of voice. It always knows exactly how long it has been since its last session and exactly how many minutes I spent with it.
The refrigerator beeps if I leave the door ajar too long. This is useful if you’ve simply failed to notice that the door isn’t all the way closed. It can be annoying, though, if you’re trying to clean out the refrigerator and it keeps telling you to close the door; the beeping gets more insistent if you don’t act immediately.
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We used to have the perfect senility car: it would scream at you if you did anything wrong and then often correct your error, such as turning off lights.
Our new car makes a slight very high-pitched pinging noise that not even dogs would hear and assumes way to much intelligence in two old people.
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Awww, I could make a case for my radio, but that wouldn’t be honest. I’d miss the fridge if it up and left me. My TV is on more than I will admit. Yes . . . but my most torrid emotional involvement is with my computer, and I’d be lying to say otherwise. Close friends know that I can suffer almost any calamity except misconduct from my computer. When I cannot connect or otherwise get my computer to perform I feel desperately ill myself. Before owning a computer I couldn’t imagine how much pleasure a computer could add to my life, or how much sheer hell I’d feel when it misbehaves.
My computer is my working partner while I edit photos or something I have written. My computer helps me earn money (not a lot, but no less appreciated for that!). My computer gives me access to the great world of information and opinion. It amuses me, sometimes doing so every waking hour of my day. A great deal of what I know of the world comes to me through my computer’s speakers and monitor.
And then to say the obvious: I treasure my computer because it is the way I keep in contact with some of the most precious people in my world: my special correspondents. And I can’t begin to measure the importance of my computer for keeping me in touch with my beloved baboons.
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We’ve purposely kept our appliances to a minimum. Most of them are trusted family retainers of long duration (my toaster was a wedding present to my parents and thus pre-dates me- I am unreasonably loyal to that toaster-I have no idea if the feeling is mutual).
Of course, Krishna George the laptop is our companion as we go out and about in search of free WiFi-he plays chess with the s&h and helps with homework (we are currently working on teaching him how to spell and grammar check in Spanish). And George is also great fun to plan dinner with, not to mention our discussions of politics and knitting patterns. George doesn’t seem to need to dominate the conversation, and is perfectly fine with us talking to other people when he is around.
I suspect the dustbuster and vacuum cleaner think of us with less fondness, I’ll have to check their closet and see (all hardwood floors at our house, it’s less work to just get out the dustmop).
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Is a GPS an appliance? Ours has dual personalities: American for us and English for our daughter when she borrows it. Surprisingly the “Recalculating” sounds much more pleasant in her American voice.
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I came home to a fun surprise yesterday. They are laying down new carpet in the hallways in our building, so lots of nice attack chemicals floating through my spring-sensitized brain. It will take four days to finish. Today they are working right outside my door. Whoooo.
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Clyde, I hope that LoopyLand doesn’t get the best of you.
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i think i would start chirping a bit to let them know that urea formaldehyde is not ok to install unannounced. that you have a sensitivity to stuff in general and the new guy in loopy land needs warnings of toix assults and possible hotel accomadations for the weeks of residual toxicity
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My toaster oven – found a larger size one at a garage sale that I love because it holds larger items. I’m sure it loves being used for more than toast and tiny things – it can make a pan of muffins, a small pizza, a pie, or a casserole if I use this one rectangular dish.
The Shop-Vac is feeling a little abused – wore it out yesterday spring cleaning the back porch, where a (?) mouse had gotten in to a bag of sunflower seed… there were shells in EVERY nook and cranny, took two hours of off and on and off and on and… She was very tired and so happy when I finally put her away.
Maybe it’s time for another cat.
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This isn’t the first time you’ve had that notion about getting a cat.
Maybe Sherrilee’s friend’s advice applies here.
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Agreed, and there are a lot of cats in need of homes right now. I’d say get a pair (we’d get a second cat, but our fair Twixie would be very unhappy about it).
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I have a friend who volunteers with a kitty rescue organization and could, I’m sure, hook you up BiR. 😉
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I believe that’s a “brace” of cats, mig – I wouldn’t mind but I’m not sure I could get it past Husband…
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I’ll let you know, Anna, if it becomes realistic.
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Here’s a complicated relationship – me and my snow blower.
I think it loves me. How do I know? It refuses to start in the winter.
July? No problem. January – forget it.
Why? I believe the blower wants me to shovel by hand because it is good for my heart. And it also helps me socialize with the neighbors who kindly offer to help clear my driveway. Otherwise I would be an anti-social hermit.
My snow blower understands me, and knows what I must be made to do.
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tough love from the snow-blower? (this is going to hurt me a lot more than it is going to hurt you….)
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I had a cordless drill that I loved. It was a young love, driven by an early infatuation. But that drill and I loved each other. We traveled all over town, even up to the North Shore and back. I had multiple batteries so I would always have one at the ready for the adventures my drill and I would take. I knew its quirks, and it fit smoothly in my stubby little hand. I knew just when to give it an extra push, or when to pull back and finesse it a bit – and in return it was always gentle with a new user and assisted me with tasks it should not have had to do. I had to replace the clutch once, but it came back from that surgery unscathed and continued on as my constant companion for several more years. Alas, it started to fail months before I was to be married. Its batteries would no longer hold a charge, when they did charge, it no longer had the same umph. I see now that perhaps it died of a broken heart, knowing it was being replaced by a new, human, love. I have two newer drills, one which was given to me as a wedding present, and although they are fine drills, they cannot hold a candle to my old Makita in its metal case. It is waiting for me still, tucked in with some of my other tools in a cabinet in the basement. I cannot bear to part with it, whether it hums for me still, or no.
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Sweet.
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thats what dale was talking about
great post!!!
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The newer Makitas just aren’t the same – better than Bosch or Black and Decker, but my newer Makita doesn’t have that je ne sais quoi.
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Those old Makitas w/ the long handle? I never owned one but used many…
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i have that same tall blue makita in the blue metal briefcase with extra batteries. when it died i bought a couple others but they didn’t measre up either. i bought the makita exactly as the one i had loved when i found it in the retool previously owned tool store. it was a dead soldier too. i have a friend who lives with tools and he laughs at the affection for old tools. he says the new ones are so much stronger and lighter they don’t compare. he has mentioned the favorite before but i don’t pay attention because the 20 dollar last years model usually does it for me. but if you like i could get you the worlds greatest drill circa 2011
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Yes, Ben, the long, thin handle. Back when cordless drills were sort of a novelty (I got it in the late 80s). The newer ones have a larger handle and I am not a fan of the great huge lump of battery that sticks out of the bottom of the handle. Makes for poor balance and it gets in the way in small spaces.
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I am not old enough to read the racy commens on today’s blog!
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Beth-Ann, maybe anyone who thinks they might have posted a racy comment can preceed it with a warning telling you not to read the following comment. Would that help?
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Warning– racy content (if I can remember the story)….
I knew a girl once that was always teasing me about me and my sexy tractors. (This isn’t my wife for those of you keeping track)
So I sent her a letter filed with actual tractor facts, but written in such a way that they were certainly double entendre’s… if not downright vulgar.
Things like ‘Oil lubricated shifter’, ‘double acting clutch face’… ‘Rear locking differential’… I don’t remember anymore how I phrased it all or tied it all together. But she did find it very humorous…
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tractor double entendre and red pants-what’s next, Farmer Ben-crazy career in theatre????
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I’m surprised nobody has mentioned a mobile phone. It is perfectly obvious that many folks have relationships with their phones that are intensely personal, romantic or even erotic.
My former wife in Belgium bought three cheap mobile phones at the same time. Not surprisingly, they began to go bad at the same time. One of her phones went bad on the number “2,” so Kathe couldn’t call anyone with that integer in their number. Then she decided it had gone on too long and got a better phone. The trio of old rejects went in a drawer. That’s when Kathe found she couldn’t sleep at night because the slowly dying phones were emitting pitiful peeps, begging to be recharged. She would lie in her bedroom trying to ignore the pathetic peeping of dying phones. She moved them to the most remote corner of the flat, but still at night she lay awake while the phones peeped their dying peeps, making her feel like someone who has thrown a sack of kittens in the river.
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spaghetti pot full of water
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the batteries didn’t come out i gather.
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Afternoon–
I’m in one of those crazy work zones where I’m about to get Jim Ed’s ‘TEN FOOT CIRCLE OF EXASPERATION’ sign for my back…
I was going to talk about exotic lighting equipment with all their extra features and control protocol and DMX modes with the double yoke and smooth acting dimming responding to my every desire…. but then I realized it’s not exactly ‘love’ they have for me… they just love to tease me and antagonize me…
We have one of the Dyson handheld vacuums and I have to say… I think I am in love with that thing. I think the feeling is reciprocal. It’s nice.
Our Kitchen Aide mixer is sure nice… I think it likes to be used…
Our kitchen knife set is very comfortable to use. They feel good in your hands and I think it’s a good relationship we have with them.
I really wanted to go off on a tangent about a totally unrelated topic but It’s impossible to explain without naming names and I won’t do that. So just give me a general ‘Huzzah!’ and we’ll let it go at that.
Thanks!
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HUZZAH!
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HUZZAH!!!!!
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huzzah!
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Thank you. That helped.
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Back in my Renaissance Festival days, the “offstage” comment was “huz-(f**king)-zah.” One of those for you, too, Ben.
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My older Dell desktop computer reminds me of its love for me at 3 a.m., whenever it is left on. Several years ago it had a big, bad Blaster worm that nearly ended its life and some ghostly memory remains to haunt us both. That year, during the week before Rock Bend (which can be the most stressful and exhausting week of the year), I had to spend an entire night on the phone with someone who knew how to fix it but was in a place that is far, far away. My patience was sorely tested. My computer was really unhealthy. It kept turning itself off and then back on again, singing its little chorus with each cycle of shut down/reboot. After many tries, I finally found the right path to repair and had to start over and re-install all the Microsoft stuff. I lost lots of stuff that I needed, like the entire Rock Bend database.
My computer was given a second chance and it has lasted for a long time. The memory of those nights remains though, and if I leave it on, it will turn itself off and then reboot itself at 3 a.m., singing its chorus, just to remind me of that memorable time. It’s been giving me a message recently that “virtual memory is too low” and that it’s creating “new paging files.” I don’t expect much from it anymore and have taken the necessary steps with all my files. I have a little, second-hand laptop with a newer hard drive now. It likes me too and keeps my lap warm in the morning.
My little 4-cup coffee maker loves me too. It’s old and little and very stained and spotted, but it gets my coffee ready for me when I’m still too weak to stand up. I appreciate this kind of loyalty from appliances.
The lawnmower and the vacuum cleaner both resent me due to neglect. I don’t blame them. The feeling is mutual.
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Warning: OT but not R:
My wife and I just went out to buy low-energy-consumption light bulbs.
So now I have half bag of packaging to throw out. Now that makes sense.
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What’s R?
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The R word in the following:
“Beth-Ann says: I am not old enough to read the racy commens on today’s blog!”
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take a picture of it clyde and lets send it to excel, centerpoint, home depot, target, lowes, it is an obvious abuse needlessly and thoughtlessly left because no one has called their attention to it. it could be a facebook hit and the tweet of the week
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Is a toilet an appliance? When I was in college I developed a great anxiety about toilets as the toilet in the basement apartment I rented often backed up. The apartment was in the basement of a house in Moorhead, MN, and there was problem between the house plumbing and the city sewer, so that the basement would flood with sewer water at unpredictable intervals. The only remedy was for someone to be stationed at each toilet in the house, and at a prearranged signal, we would all flush similtaneously. The city would never admit it was a problem with the city sewers, and my landlord eventually got so angry about he problem that he successfully ran for city commission and only then did the problem get fixed.
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there is a politician who knew the premise for his political platform was a bunch of crap
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How true! He was a mail carrier by profession..
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Dale, I have to say that I’ll be the TB Blog asks its readers the most interesting questions.
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That would be “I’ll bet the TB..”
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it helps to have a twisted blogmaster sometimes
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by the way dale. if you are starting your snowblower in july… you need to run stabil or seafoam through it for 5 minutes and let it fill the carberator and fuel lines before you tuck it away for the long summers rest. same thing with your lawnmower when october rolls around
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