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Professional Absentee

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It seems like every May there’s a morose note from Wendell Wilkie High School’s perennial sophomore, Bubby Spamden. What a pity – to be so young and so bleak in springtime.

Hey Mr. C.,

Summer’s coming, and it looks like the job scene for teens is tough again this year. Getting a definite “no” or just plain being ignored all the time can wear a guy out, especially since all I’ve ever heard since I started school was how great I am and how I should really, really feel good about myself all the time no matter what.

Well, that’s not entirely true. The past few years of being held back as a high school sophomore has been kind of humbling, but I started with a huge excess of self-positivity and there’s still some left in the barrel. Still, I’m thinking about giving up my job search so I can preserve what’s left of my ME! reserves.

I have looked all around and so far there’s just nothing. It doesn’t help that my grandfather is applying at all the same places I am – the burger shop, the coffee place and the movie theater. He’s 84 and says he needs some extra money to help pay for his medications or he’ll die. Talk about piling on the guilt!

When I told my mom I’d have to stay in the basement playing video games all summer so grandpa could live, she gave me THAT LOOK. But I’m serious! It really helps to have the feeling that what you’re doing (or NOT doing) makes a difference in the world, and making it so I could buy my popcorn from Gramps at every summer blockbuster this year while getting to see him so happy behind the counter, over-filling the pop orders, snarling at the 12 year olds and getting fake butter smeared on his cheerful yellow ScreenLand vest, that would be something I could point to with pride while I tell my friends ‘I helped make that happen!’.

Mr. Cornsmut told the FFA kids that some farmers get paid to not grow crops so I’m wondering – could I get paid for staying out of the job force? Seriously – me not being in the way of more deserving candidates is worth something, isn’t it? In fact, being absent-for-hire may be the next big business opportunity! There’s so much competition for everything, why not pay me something to thin the job herd by at least one?

If that worked I’d also try to get paid for staying out of the wilderness, out of the bowling alleys, out of that crafts store my mom likes and out of the dentist’s office too! It looks like every single place is more and more crowded than ever before, except for bookstores and video rental places, so there’s lots of opportunity.

I would even consider taking money to stay off the roads, if only somebody would give me a car first so I could get paid to park it. Then I could start dating, as long as my girlfriend was OK with us not actually going anywhere.

My mom says if I don’t find a way to make money this year, they’ll send me to Punctuation Camp, so I’m getting a little desperate. What do you think of my idea, Mr. C? I know you’re in the job market – would you like to be the first to pay me something to stay out of your way?

Your pal,
Bubby

I told Bubby he was making a LOT of assumptions with his “plan”, not the least of which is the wild guess that some fictitious girlfriend would be satisfied to just go sit in a car with him. I know teenage girls are sometimes irrational, but it’s hard to imagine that there is one so lacking in common sense and ambition that she would be attracted to this offer. If she does exist, her parents might pay her something to NOT go out with Bubby – a wise investment, I think.

As for Bubby getting paid by me or anyone to not apply for jobs – it sounds like a Ponzi Scheme or trading in bundled sub-prime mortgages – a method of making money that could only work if one could suspend the laws of mathematics. So ten years ago he might have had a shot with that idea, especially on Wall Street. In 2011, maybe not.

He gets points for imagination, but Punctuation Camp sounds like a real possibility.

What would you give up in exchange for money?

99 thoughts on “Professional Absentee”

  2. I’ve got some personal poundage that I bet would come right off, if someone would pay me by the pound to give them up.

    And thanks, Dale for the inclusion of Punctuation Camp as a worthy diversionary thought.

    And thank you, Bubby, for once again being a fine counter-example to be deployed in my boy-raising project.

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    1. Yes, mig, don’t you think someone could figure out how we could transfer the extra poundage to someone, like my mom, who needs it?? If they can put a man on the moon…

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  3. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    Oh, Bubby, Bubby. For years now you’ve been such a ….a…a….well, CLUELESS LOSER. (sorry, I couldn’t help myself).

    For years now I’ve given up large chunks of time for cash. Also when I donate to garage sales I give up a few used Worldly Goods for cash as well.

    Punctuation Camp is a worthy diversion MIG. Just how would one go about that: Hey Mom, they put me in the Semicolon Cottage! A new use for Semicolonoscopy!

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  4. Love the Punctuation Camp. Love it!!
    Since punctuation means an interruption, it has nice rich meaning. Why did I not think of that, having written my own textbooks for teaching it. “Hyphenated-Heaven: Semicolons for the Semiconscious.”

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  5. In my life time for money I gave up my innocence (no, not in that sense), my time, my conscience, my house, my prized tools, my will, and certainly others.
    Like Bubby’s grandpa, and many old people, I may go give up more time and my self-respect.
    I would be willing to give up my pastel works for money.

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  6. Nicely written, Dale. I gotta love the phrase “excess of self-positivity.”

    Bubby probably is fulfilling a useful function by being so ineffectual. I’ve just been hearing about Chinese-American “Tiger Moms” who require their offspring to practice on their musical instruments three hours a day. Pretty much the rest of the day is taken up with school and homework. Those tigers are raising young tigers, and young tigers require fresh raw meat. And there is Bubby’s function. How can young tigers get straight As if there isn’t some doofus in class to bag a bunch of Fs? I’m about ready to throw in the towel and say that Americans are mucking up parenthood so badly we might want to outsource this job to the Chinese.

    If you folks will tolerate something entirely OT, I’ve been laughing myself into tears at a web site called damnyouautocorrect. It consists of snatches of phone text messages that go awry when the phone’s autocorrect function substitutes the wrong correct word. Don’t look at this stuff if you are in a cubicle.

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  7. Cornsmut?? Is he an relative of Bo0zenporn??

    I’ll check in later for words of wisdom for Bubs. Don’t want to jeopardize my current streak of perennial punctuality. In the meantime, know that I’m with you in thought, word, and coffee.

    A Heads Up: Bill Murray is on David Letterman tonight!

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  8. Good morning to all:

    I would be willing to accept money to keep quiet. I’ve been told that there are times when I talk too much. Those people who have said I over do the talking would just have to put their money where my mouth is. I could wear a sign that says willing to stop talking for money. This would not apply to my writing. You would not be able to pay me stop adding my comments to this blog.

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    1. Excellent, Jim – I think I could raise a lot of money like this as well! Love “put their money where my mouth is…”

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      1. Yes, this could be a money maker if some caution is used. Watch out for people who might think that money is not the only way to silence you

        You could also say, “silence is golden and how about giving me some gold to be silent?”.

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  10. The old do what you love and the money will follow is the best,truest job search advice I can give to bubby. I

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    1. I know a kid who had the same preoccupation with video games. He’s now getting a job working on the music for video games. Here is an American youth who wishes he’d cut more classes to play more video games. Take that, Tiger Moms!

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      2. But he would tell you that one of the things that got him there, as well as a childhood of game playing of all sorts, was his excellent writing skills, including use of mechanics.

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  11. I tell my kids to try and figure out what the choice would be if they had to come up with it now or be thrown off the cliff into the vast wasteland of death. They think differently when presented with a situation of now or never. It is not the rigt answer there are a million right answer, sometimes you need to get ot the wrong answer to help you realize that was wrong, herE is why and here is how you tweak it. Just go bubby, start a koolaid stand, walk the dogs in the neigborhood, teach something you know how to do others care about. My 18 year old has baseball etc..to interfere with his job search ambitions, then there are the other problems, they pay too little, the hours are bad like younhave to get up in the mornings and you can’t go out with the guys at night. And they interfere with baseball too. I do offer ideas of things he could do on his own at this own pace but I am just a bothersome old dad. It is garage sale season, I you could buy it for a doll and sell it for 10 on eBay you would be a wealth return on investment guy . It is just a matter of servers and ifnthat is your thing

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  12. I could give up pickles, bubble gum pop music (take that Justin Bieber), the pain in my right hip, and ill fitting shoes. Life it just too short for uncomfortable shoes, no matter how fabulous they look.

    Day like today I might be willing to join Bubby in being paid to not work…but only on days like today since I like what I do and who I work with. Thankfully, the job I have allows me to work at home some days – so I will be doing just that this afternoon. Might just have to trot the laptop outside.

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    1. Told the s&h last night that Justin Bieber is one of the many reasons I am glad I have a son and not a daughter. Thought I was going to have to administer oxygen, he was laughing so hard.

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  13. Morning–

    What would I *stop* doing for money?? Wow…. I’m taking this to mean someone else will still do these things just that I don’t have too? Ok then, I’m gonna stop putting dishes in the dishwasher, stop washing clothes, stop making the beds. Stop thistles, stop box elder trees from taking over the edges of fields yada yada yada.

    And by the way; Mr. Cornsmut is working with old data; that ‘pay-for-not-planting’ program isn’t used anymore. We have newer and improved subsidies!

    A fun topic today and will be fun to catch up later.

    Later, Y’all!

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      1. Punctuation Camp for you, Ben!
        It seems the idea of going to P.C. by Lake Hyphen has appeal for this group. We’ve already named some cottages and at least one point. Feel free to add details – the Punctuation Camp experience becomes more real as you describe it!

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      4. I’m listening to “One of Our Thursdays is Missing” in the car – Punctuation Camp seems like it could be straight out of one of the Jasper Fforde books.

        “I moved quietly to the French windows and stepped out into the garden to release the Lost Positives that the Lady of Shalott had given me. She had a soft spot for the orphaned prefixless words and thought they had more chance to thrive in Fiction than in Poetry. I let the defatigable scamps out of their box. They were kempt and sheveled but their behavior was peccable, if not mildly gruntled. They started acting petuously and ran around in circles in a very toward manner.”

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      5. The way I see Punctuation Camp is that it would be an immersion camp where you have to use correct punctuation all the time. I suppose that implies a lot of communication by little notes. Any kid who asked for more “potato’s” with his hamburger would be sent out of the dining area without food and told to contemplate his sin.

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      7. MiG – the Hennepin libraries have a cool feature that sends you e-mails when the library acquires a book by an author that you like. Jasper Fforde is one of my listed authors, so I managed to get right near the top of the list when they purchased “One of Our Thursdays”.

        I didn’t mean to be cruel, but to give everyone who is waiting a little taste and to assure you that this one is up to Jasper’s usual standards!

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  14. How about I get paid to stop the periodic cleaning of surfaces, but I’m with Ben, I’d want it to get done by someone. I’m talking about the floor mopping, dusting, toilet-swishing, and vacuuming that creeps up on you and you notice it when some relative’s coming over for dinner.

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  15. Let’s see, Dale, we’ve got:
    Hyphen Lake
    Exclamation Point
    Semicolon Cottage
    a book called “Hyphenated-Heaven: Semicolons for the Semiconscious”
    and I’m sure we can do something with Donna’s “perennial punctuality”…

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    1. ? Mess Hall has me seriously concerned.

      casting about and can find nowhere to fit in my belovered ampersand…….

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      4. One summer I worked at a camp as a maintenance person, Camp House, still in existence, now belongs to those Lutherans. The head cook, with the last name of High no less, made many of the meals a question mark.

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  27. Just think, we could also have foreign language immersion punctuation camp-think of all those wonderful symbols they have in the Slavic languages. Does any one know the names of them? I know tilde from Spanish. Perhaps the tilde cabin has an interesting bump in the middle of the floor?

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    1. Geez, I’m going to have to look up all this stuff. Diaeresis?
      Another question – does Punctuation Camp have a dress code?
      Would a camper, for example, be expelled for wearing a dipthong?

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      3. ach the above was meant for Clyde and his Diacritical Craft Center, but Dale–seriously would anyone go out in JUST a dipthong???

        (where is the blushing font????)

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  40. I just returned from testifying in a court case, and I wondered how the court reporter handled punctuation, or if they added exclamation points or question marks. It would make a big difference in the court record if the recoreder notated “The defendent eats, shoots, and leaves” or “The defendent eats shoots and leaves”. ( I borrowed that phrase from a book title, by the way. I’m not that cleaver.)

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