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Ask Dr. Babooner

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Dear Dr. Babooner,

I work with a group of astronomers who comb deep space for evidence of planets that are not part of any solar system. I work a lot. Since I’m the only unmarried member of the team it’s assumed I can stay late every night and through weekends!

Here’s the good part – we’ve been finding a lot of planets lately and our research has made the news, which is good for our morale. But when I read these articles I feel uneasy about some of the things my colleagues say.

They’ve taken to calling these unaffiliated bodies “Lonely Planets”, simply because they are not orbiting a star. Planets don’t have feelings, so why would a scientist talk this way? I understand that it’s important to describe scientific research in terms that are accessible to laypersons, but why must we assume being unattached is the same thing as being lonely?

Even if planets DID have feelings, couldn’t it be that some of these planets are satisfied with their status? One of these planets might even be glad he isn’t in the thrall of some stupid shiny star, especially if that star is always so far away and out of reach that the planet doesn’t get any warmth from her at all. The close-in planets, the ones that push to the front, think she’s so HOT. Fine. Let them all snuggle close and act like she’s the center of their universe if that’s what they want to do. It’s not that great, you know, orbiting and orbiting and orbiting. Anyway, the closer you are, the faster the run-around you get. And it never stops.

I’d prefer to think of the so-called “Lonely Planets” as Free Planets! Free to go from place to place around the universe, visiting different galaxies if they want. Free Planets are independent spirits, not easy to corral, and they don’t need to have a star to orbit just because some other planets do.

But if a star came along, especially if she was very bright and wanted to have only one planet and not a whole string of them stretched out over millions and millions of miles – well, that kind of orbital relationship might be worth the risk of allowing yourself to be captured by a little gravity.

Dr. Babooner, how do I tactfully indicate to my colleagues that I disagree with the term “Lonely Planet” without seeming like a geek who is hopelessly fixated on his own social status? My objections are purely scientific, and to be seen as emotional on this matter would be humiliating.

Sincerely,
Gas Giant

I told Gas Giant he should not use terminology that makes him uncomfortable, and since “Lonely Planet” isn’t a scientific name, he should feel no guilt about refusing to say it. Furthermore, he should pick a name he likes and start using that exclusively to refer to these “Lonely Planets”, and perhaps as he gains credibility his name choice will too. But it would help if the new name had some appeal for those who have accepted “Lonely Planet”, so I proposed that he call them “Orbisons”, after Roy Orbison, who sang “Only the Lonely.”

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

117 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Babooner”

    2. the interesting thing about uncle roy i found out recently is that he had only one volume level. real quiet. he had to have the mikes turned up real loud to get him over the top of the electric guitars.
      when i was a rock star we had survival gear equipment and i was alway wishing i had real good pa system stuf so i didn’t have to push so hard to get over the top of the rock bass and the les paul wa wa pedals. it was ok on the joe cocker tunes and on the cat stevens james taylor kind of stuff the band mellowed a bit but trying to frank sinatra while having to scream to get over the instraments was always a challange. roy figured it out. sing the correct volume and habve the sound guy turn up the volume. i understood the concept just never had the option. every time i see him sing i notice how relaxed he is. like singing at the kitchen table. nice way to do it. perry como, andy williams. ah the crooners.

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      1. tim, it may be one of the great regrets of my life that I will probably never be able to start a sentence with the words, “when I was a rock star”……

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      2. I understand. Sometimes it’s hard to get the sound guy to understand though. It takes a good sound guy.

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  2. Rise and Shine Baboons:

    Well, I’m a little disappointed that we did not get a garage sale report! I wanted to know who got the oatmeal, the pig, etc.

    Meanwhile, I’d call the meandering planets “Lost Socks” after those pairs of socks that emerge from the washer and dryer with one missing. Those planets are made of all the lost socks from earth. Really.

    GG: You do appear a bit obsessed with your non-marital status. Given that you confess to geek-dom, I’m wondering this: Have you tried dating? It is a first step toward changing that status and geeks often miss that step in the laboratory of life. It is less anxiety-producing if you think of it as a live lab experiment on yourself.

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    1. The garage sale went well, Jacque, though it was only the first day.
      I’m waiting to see if any of our first day customers bring their treasures back, so I can’t even trust the dollar total.
      We’ll adjust prices today on the things that didn’t sell. I’ll re-name the cage I call “Rat Haven” to “Small Furry Animal Paradise” to see if that makes it more attractive.
      The oatmeal container actually has a selection of noisemakers in it – kazoos, sticks, tiny bugles, etc. Kids seem drawn to it. Parents, not so much.
      Thanks for asking!

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      2. Hi Margaret,

        Mr. Pig did go to a cheerful man in bib overalls who said it made him smile, and that was enough to seal the deal. Frankly, he was smiley when he arrived, but I think the Pig got a good home.
        The lawn chairs remain, marked down to $30 each.
        The weather is not conducive to people’s fantasies about sitting outside.

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      3. Would love to know what he’s going to do with that pig. I’m coming to look at those chairs. Please email me your address.

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  3. In view of how incompetently I have managed my own romantic life, I’m hardly the one to take on the job of worrying about the love lives of solar bodies. I do firmly believe that any star or planet that choses to become affiliated should be free to do so. There is stability in affiliation, and you’d think that even the most chuckleheaded star gazers would see the value of that.

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    1. affilliate with the universe and celebrate forever. affilliate with another chuckleheaded star gazer and god bless you both

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    1. I shall fight tooth and nail to stop such an amendment. Planets should be free to pair up with other planets, regardless of solar system or atmosphere. 🙂

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      2. and you have to ask yourself-why is it that those who are part of a solar system feel that that association is somehow threatened by planets who have no such association?

        Are they less a part of a solar system just because some planets have other arrangements?

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    2. i think it should be ok as long as there is a sex determination to determine if these are healthy condonable relationships or disgusting repulsive relationships that we should cover our childrens ears when discussing
      relationships are never quite what they are cracked up to be. we all enter with a distorted view of the way it is going to go, dreaming that this will be the answer to some lifelong search for fulfillment only to discover that the other half of the relationship has some really stupid ideas about what the lifelong search for fulfillment ought to be and they expect you to abandon yours and follow theirs, when they discover you are doing it wrong and beat you relentlessly about the brow you realize that you wish you were a free planet on a much more regular basis than when you were planet on the prowl. if the solar system goes through the same thing as the rest of us we are all in trouble. falling stars are the lucky ones if thats the case. if raising up a little gas ball to a planet means it will reach out only to be miserable i say teach it freedom and independence now and forever.
      i never feel so bad as when my little meteorites go off and get their moons knocked out of orbit. its tough to watch but part of being interplanetary.

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      1. “falling stars are the lucky ones” – that sounds like a Roy Orbison song title. Or maybe Bobby Vinton.

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    1. When I worked in bookstores, Lonely Planet had the best travel guides- wonder if that’s still true.

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  6. Orbisons also vaguely remind one or orbiting, so I wonder if they should be called “anti-Orbisons” or “abOrbisons” (ab being the prefix for “away from”, if my memory of Latin serves).

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    2. abOrby. Very cute.

      Hey! I just thought up a quote: All of God’s creation (that includes space) can deal with what they’re handed as long as someone thinks they’re cute.

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  7. I suggest Eliza Gilkyson’s Alone But Not Lonely as a response to Only the Lonely – maybe GG can call them OrbiGilkysons and everyone can be happy.

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    2. Yes, but EG isn’t saying that she is happy being alone. She makes it clear that she has “a one-track mind,” and what that track is might be discerned by her “Unless You Want Me,” one of those songs you don’t want to listen to without a friend.

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    3. “People say I should be lonely, but that ain’t what’s goin’ down…”

      EG’s way of saying “what other people think is not my problem.”

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      4. every time i see paul anka i get uopest thst he wronged shelly fabares of donna reed fame. i had such a crush on her. she showed up later on coach as a mature star vs the child star but there was a long time when paul had taken her out of circulation.

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      6. i could wear bmb couch out in no time. he and i could speak on an extended basis on a variety of subjects, the problem is i am kind of fond of the aspects on myself others think i need to fix and sometimes thats an obstacle to becoming cured. he can make good money til the insurance runs out though

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      1. psst-Margaret-on YouTube, there is a place called “share” at the bottom-click on the little thingy that looks like a tilted 8 (or a couple of links of chain, depending on how you see things), which will give you a link you can then copy and paste in. It is a piece of technology I just love.

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      2. Thanks MG. I tried that, and it didn’t work. Perhaps because neither my head nor my fingers are functioning properly this morning. The dog across the street has been barking since 2 A.M. and the Animal Control office has a recorded message that says they are busy and don’t even give me the option of leaving a message.

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      3. i just copy the bar thing at the top and paste it in. while im doing it it shows as an underlined website location then i hit the go button and the video shows up

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  9. I think we are being pretty presumptuous to assume that all planets would want partners. There are probably planets that are somewhat avoident, planets that are just plain schizoid and perfectly happy to be alone, and planets that would gladly join the Planets without Partners support group. What about planets that have had failed relationships? Who helps them? Widowed planets after a supernova or black hole encounter? Lets do this right and have Universal mental health coverage for all planets, patterned after the Canadian health model.

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      3. How big a box of tissues would you need on hand for this group? Or do they just wipe their noses on the outer edges of the Milky Way and dab their tears with passing meteors?

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  10. Good morning to all:

    I guess the so called lonely planets are really something new, neither stars nor planets. Orbisons works for me as a name for these objects. Another name that might work is niors, as in the phrase, film noir. These objects are dark like a film noir.

    My advice to Gas Giant, about being bothered by prople calling those objects lonely planets, is to not worry about this. You are free to do as you please about your personal life. You can do what ever you want and what other people think is not your problem.

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    1. “You can do whatever you want and what other people think is not your problem.” Hmm, isn’t that the appropriate answer to every Dr. Babooner query letter that Dale has ever written? Or is that just my memory?

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      1. Well, Steve, I think that advice works better in some cases than in others. There might be times when you should worry about what others think. That’s what I think and don’t worry about it.

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  11. i was looking for the reference to free man in paradise and realized after coming up blank that i was thinking of cheeseburger in paradise. maybe that says it all. a free man in paradise may be a nice idea but it doesn’t exist. want a cheeseburger?

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    2. …and there’s always “Free Man in Paris” – Joni Mitchell.
      I was a free man in Paris, I was unfettered and alive,
      There was nobody calling me up for favors, no one’s future to decide…
      There are no doubt advantages to being a free-lancing planet.

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      1. great minds think alike ladies 2 minutes apart. and i am certain i had a jimmy/ joni transpostion going on. free man in paradise works better than cheeseburger in paris dont you think?

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  12. Why group them all under one name? After all, as has been pointed out, some of these planets may choose to be alone, others may have had their alone-ness thrust upon them by a super nova. Some may be gas giant-averse having grown up in a galaxy where the relationship between the big star and dominant planet was less than ideal. Is there anything wrong with allowing these individual planets to remain individual and give them each a name: Gustav, Edvard, Ludwig, Emily, Charlotte, Marie…?

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    1. each planet wil have its own name but as scientists we must make statements of truth that are undeniable and proven. any exception to the rule makes it false scientifically. let emily and charlotte and liberace figure it out on their own like the rest of us

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  13. Good Morning Kids,

    School’s out! It’s time to celebrate! Time to blog more, read more, eat more, play more, drink more, tan more, sleep more … you get the picture. It almost makes next year’s pay cut hurt less. (Not really. That’s a joke.)

    Wanna know what else I plan to get more of? Something that satisfies my desires and stimulates my central nervous system. That’s right … NETFLIX! I am so addicted to 30 Rock I should be blindfolded and bondaged. Not really. That’s a joke too.

    Sherrilee – I’ll email you about the turntable and oatmeal. Thx!

    P.S. Those lilacs in the gravatar are real and they’re mine!

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  14. Morning–

    I like the Roy Orbison comparison… nice touch.

    Other than that I got nothin today– just enjoying your comments.

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    1. Bet you could create a swell light show that would make some of the lonelier planets feel a little better, at least for awhile. 🙂

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  16. Hmmm, my first thought was Independent Planets, the sort that neither need nor want someone else’s gravitational field dictating their every move.

    But I, like biB am very fond of Uncle Roy too, and am thinking in his honor, those planets could be referred to as the Travelling Wilburys, which I would hope leaves it completely up to the planets themselves as to whether they are single by choice or otherwise, permanently or otherwise.

    (OT-Sherrilee, I should be able to crack open the latest Thursday Next this weekend)

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  17. Silly girl, MiG! You shouldn’t be planning on doing any reading this weekend unless it is a short story or shorter. Or haven’t you heard? The world ends tomorrow. I might eat beef tonight, and we all should be able to drink without fear of a hangover.

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    1. I have it on good authority that it is already 5-21-2011 in Tokyo and Manilla and they are all still there, my plans stand. I suppose I could act on your information and drop everything to start the reading now, but that seems unwise.

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    2. I heard that some religious groups believe the world will end at 6 o’clock on May 21. But which 6 o’clock? In which time zone? Will it end in stages, so that you know you have 3 hours, 2 hours, 1 hour, 15 minutes, 30 seconds, 5-4-3-2-1….

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      2. is that 6:05 am or pm?

        my understanding is that this has something to do with Noah who I would think was not using a Gregorian calendar (Gregory having not yet been invented).

        Research on this has led me to an interesting Wikipedia about a proposed (c.1930) World Calendar-I had no idea.

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      3. come to think of it, I don’t think Greenwich was invented then either, so I most likely isn’t GMT.

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  18. ttp://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/05/20/pawlenty-to-announce-monday/?hp

    Pawlenty’s announcing his announcement for pres. Actually I thought he was already IN. Don’t every Trail Baboon volunteer for the campaign at once!

    Baboons for T-Paw (Dale can sell the left over yard signs at the next sale)

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    2. I’ve got a Ross Perot sign down in the basement somewhere… but I think that’s a collectible now isn’t it?

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  19. Back to the garage sale: I drove over an “unofficial” road to go “sailing” the other day and scored a lawn chair for 3 bucks, a blanket for 1 buck, and a wrecked van for lots ‘o bucks. Do not drive on pot-holed gravel roads that look as if they belong in the outback at best!

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    2. I passed a sign today on West Seventh near Montreal that read “HUGE KIDS SALE”. I mention it in case any of you are in the market for some huge kids (gently used).

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      1. I stopped at a huge baby sale and asked to see the gigantic little one. The family was confused by my request.

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      2. When driving with my daughter, I used to tell her I could go faster on some sections of road because the kids that played there were slow.

        Slow Children
        Playing.

        That was always worth a grin.

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    4. Yi, Kathy.
      Are you saying that potholes wrecked your van? How fast were you going?
      Details, please!

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  21. I was just reading back through everything, and I’ll have to say this is one silly day in Baboonland.

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  22. Greetings! To Gas Giant: Go see Evelyn Lundberg (PHC commercial parody) and get over yourself for cryin’ out loud. Anal retentive, self-absorbed, whiny geeks all concerned about LABELS to give planets — when there’s much more important things to worry about. Like how to make sure T-Paw, Whack Job Bachmann and Sarah Clueless Palin ~accidentally~ ingest poison mushrooms, or get hit with poison darts, step on poisonous toads, poisonous snakes drop out of the ceiling on them, brown recluse spider attack swarm in their house, …. etc., etc. …. {sigh} it’s fun to think about anyway.

    If my thoughts be foul, it’s because I’m at home when I should be at karate, but my knee has a torn *something* that will keep me out for a few weeks. May need surgery as well and it might interfere with my goal to graduate to Black Belt in September. I’ll find out more when I get an MRI and see the Sports Medicine doctor at clinic again. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to stay in shape, not eat everything in sight, not gain weight and not use my knee. Any positive thoughts and affirmations are welcome …

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    1. Sorry to hear about your knee, Joanne.
      What sort of workout can a person do without using their knee?
      I suppose paraplegics have exercise routines that might be useful.
      Otherwise, it’ll have to be one-legged deep knee bends for you.
      Be careful!

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    2. Only thing I can think of is keeping only stuff you “should” eat in the house. If you can do that, let me know how you did. Will send good energy.

      Joanne – is your son home from Afghanistan now?

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      1. Of course — he was only there 7 months and came back over a year ago. He will be done with his 4-yr stint in Marines at end of May. My husband will fly out to California to help Nick drive his car home in early June. They have plans to visit Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Mount Rushmore, etc. I’m really looking forward to having him home and then he will start college in the fall at the U of MN.

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    4. Oh, I had what is almost surely the same torn knee something. The doctor called it a “bucket handle” injury. The surgery was easy and you can really float on the drugs that they give you for post-op pain, but not for very long.

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      1. Yeah, that’s a torn meniscus with a bucket handle-type of tear. I’ve been looking up stuff online already. The doctor mentioned that a torn meniscus was most likely, but couldn’t be sure without MRI. I’m glad it worked out for you. The shot of cortisone in my knee makes it feel better than it has in 6 weeks, so I’m feeling pretty sparky right now — so I have to remember that it’s deceiving and just masking the pain and swelling I should be having.

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