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Ask Dr. Babooner

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Dear Dr. Babooner,

Show trials really turn me on.

I feel horrible about it because the court cases I like the most always revolve around tawdry acts supposedly committed by selfish, despicable people who display no remorse. When one of these trials comes along, I totally immerse myself in the case. I read everything and watch live coverage on TV. I think about it constantly and can talk about it non-stop. Normal people cannot be around me until the jury rules and the case is over. I become intolerable.

My wife says this is typical behavior for a miserable, self-loathing creature with an insatiable hunger to feel better about himself. My fascination with accused wrongdoers is, she says, a coping mechanism. By pickling my brain in the sour brine that overflows from the jars of an endless string of black-hearted individuals, I am trying to convince myself that I am, by comparison, fairly normal.

I tell her that I am passionate about justice, and thoughtlessly spouting all this amateur psychology makes her look dumb. I may not be a perfect person, but I am far from being obsessed with my own shortcomings. I do, however, feel that wrongdoers should be thoroughly and mercilessly punished.

That’s why, when I believe a person is guilty and a jury lets them go in spite of the evidence, I fall into a terribly deep funk until some measure of payment is exacted. After the Casey Anthony verdict yesterday, I forced myself to sit in an ice-filled bathtub until my toes turned blue.

But that’s not the worst of it. For a year after O.J. Simpson was acquitted, I lined my underwear with crushed glass and went barefoot every day.

“More evidence of a bizarrely twisted self image,” my wife said.

“Just trying to restore some balance to the world.” was my answer. But I understand why my wife would find me to be a human smash-up, terribly moody and impossible to live with.

Oddly, she says I’m not so bad.

Dr. Babooner, why is she lying to me?

Sincerely,
Unworthy.

I told Unworthy that it is pointless to beat yourself up just because somebody else thinks you’re self-loathing. So what if you are? I don’t think that reflects negatively on you! A lot of decent people are overly critical of themselves. By constantly telling yourself you are a black-hearted wretch who deserves to suffer Hell on Earth, you demonstrate a strong preference that the world should be better than it is. Your self-directed pessimism is a sign of outward optimism. Stand up and be proud of your inwardly directed hatred!

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

27 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Babooner”

  1. Rise and Shake the Glass from your Underwear Baboons:

    Yawn. Casey Who? OJ?

    Dear UnW…

    My theory has never been the self-punishment thing. My thought has been that you just never built your own life worth living, so you live a second-hand life through the TV. Now you have some work on yourself to do. A second-hand life is just not that interesting. But how about a hobby? You could find something of your own interest to spend your time on–go to garage sales, get a dog, play cribbage….

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    1. Okay, Jacque, maybe a new hobby or something to replace Unworhty’s negative life style would be good. Unworthy, you could combine Jacque’s advice with Dale’s advice to not be so hard on yourself and then you might stop annoying people by talking constantly about these trials, which is what I would like to see.

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  2. Good morning to all:

    Unworthy, I think Dale’s advice is good. I do have one additional word of advice. You might want to try to find some way to tone down your tendency to talk endlessly to people about the trials you follow. Try to keep some of your thoughts to yourself. The constant and excessive coverage by the media of those terrible court cases is bad enough. You are adding to the overly sensational coverage done by the media. You could allow yourself some brief comments like ” wow, did you hear what happened at that trial today” and leave it at that. Do you think you could do that?

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    1. Hear hear. My father would probably have been obsessed with Casey as he was with OJ. I actually had to hang up on my dad a couple of times after telling him that I didn’t want to hear any more about OJ and that if he continued, I would hang up.

      My biggest piece of advice to Unworthy is to knock off the ice cube baths. This will not bring balance to the world, it will only make your toes cold. There won’t be a jury re-do or and overturn of OJ’s acquittal because you’re turning blue – cosmic justice (and I hope there is some) probably isn’t that straightfoward!

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  3. I hate to burst your bubble, Unworthy, but no matter how closely you think you follow these trials, you will never be privy to what happens in the jury room, and so you will never know the process by which they come to a decision. All the information you get is manipulated by the media. I suggest you start following other news or take Jacque’s advice and become involved in a hooby or something that is real and actually affirming and helps others. In my town, local volunteers help at the court house during jury trials to make sure the jury stays sequestered during deliberations and getting them snacks and coffee.

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  5. i think self loathing is the perfect solution. it is the perfect hobby. the variations on the theme are endless. you can feel bad about feeling bad, feel mad as heck at the world not doing it correctly, be upset with the others who have let you down and that you have let down, it is the perfect way to pass the time. if you ever get to the point that you are stumped you can celebrate. kind of like banging you head against the wall, it feels so good when you stop. i personally am reminded regularly what i have to be self loating about, my kids are all at the age where they may look to me for advice on occasion but if it is not requested my thoughts should stay in my head and not be put out there for others to hear. my wife reminds me of the thoughts new old and yet to come that i have expressed that have been wrong wrong wrong and somehow i feel that the earth will go on with my loathing only an issue to me and those who share in that loathing.
    hobbies are great for passing the time while you are not allowed full blown self loathing but really what are they doing for you? cooking gardening art reading woodworking knitting who cares …the world goes on with or without you. your rhubarb pie, prize roses knick knacks and tripe, all self absorbed balderdash, a little self loathing there is something you can go back to and hang you hat on. think of all the different aspects of life you have screwed up on the list goes on and on. y6u dont have to kill your children to be a wretch. there are endless ways to do it. i think casey anthony is missing out on a great opportunity to feel bad but who am i to impose my views on another. to me killing my child would be a biggy but we all know how full of it am. enjoy feeling bad about everything you have ever done wrong today baboons, celebrate.

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    1. All right! I’m already good at being hard on myself. Now I can be positive about being negative. Still, I don’t want to over do this. I’m not as positive about being negative as you are, tim.

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  6. i’m pretty good at self-deprecation but i just can’t handle reality enough to watch trials (or Hell’s Kitchen). too much conflict.
    i’m pretty comfortable with my discomfort with myself. and i don’t punish myself on purpose – but on any given day i can end up doing something dumb so then i can dwell on my stupidity, which, i guess, i must enjoy.
    a goat would never, ever knowingly punish itself. and i believe they have quite healthy self-images also. at least that’s what they tell me.

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  7. I hate myself when I can’t remember things that I really need – like the name of a song that I recall hearing on a radio program from long ago and far away – prbably two years ago. I think it was sung by Peter Mayer and had to do with learning important things in life, eg: “Be kind to your neighbor” and “Look both ways before you cross the street.” You know, things you learn in kindergarten.

    I also feel bad when I have to ask for help, but since this is blog is about perfecting the hooby of feeling like a slug, perhaps this is the right time and place to admit that I am forgetful and helpless, and grovel while I ask if anyone here can come up the name of the song I have been racking my brain over? Or do I have to go through a trial first?

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      2. Thank you Linda! Yes, of course John McKutcheon – what was I thinking? “Kindergarten Wall” it is. I am going to sit here and berate myself for a very long time before I rejoice over the verdict … I mean your excellent information. (Was this televised? Will I read about this on Twitter?)
        Truly appreciate your help!

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    2. thyrkas, I think the song you’re trying to remember is John McCutcheon’s “Kindergarten Wall.” Now hum along with me…Of all you learn here, remember this the best. Don’t hurt eachother and clean up your mess. Take a nap every day, wash before you eat. Hold hands, stick together, look before you cross the street. Remember the seed in the little paper cup, first the root goes down, and then the plant grows up.

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      1. And lyrcis, also! Currently humming along with the youtube version. Thx! plainjane and Linda in St Paul ~ My exhausted brain just heaved a sigh went to sleeeee ee ee eep. ZZZZ

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  8. The letters in Casey Anthony’s name can be rearranged to make
    Hey, a nasty con.
    Or
    Any cash yet? – no.
    You can’t help but wonder, did this NEVER come up in the jury deliberations?

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  9. Dear UnW:
    Soon you’ll become tired of sitting around in the bathtub freezing your toes off. And you’ll join me at the rally at the state Capital today! Taking action might help you feel better about yourself.

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    1. Go Krista Go!
      Had I known you were going to be just blocks away, I would have told you to come on down to the bakery.

      I’ve planned all summer to go to the Capitol in Madison with my knitting, but maybe I will warm-up here in St Paul first. You can’t get near the Capitol here, can you-all the streets have been barricaded. Nice open lawn though……

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  10. Dear UnW – Perhaps if you go onto eBay and find yourself a nice hair shirt. Etsy might have a few in festive colors, you never know. Plunk that sucker on, and go about life in constant reminder of your shortcomings. You won’t have to take time out of your day for ice baths, or to crush glass for your undies, and might keep you warmer in winter. Then, whenever you feel the need to either flip on the latest show trial or talk to someone about it, stop, and think of three other things to do or say. Eventually you will retrain the obviously well-worn pathways in your brain that have gotten you where you are. Thinking about what’s happening in the jury room? Think instead on fuzzy bunnies, rainbow unicorns and large-eyed kittens. About to say something about the latest sound bite from the defendant’s lawyer? Ask about a cake recipe, the neighbor’s new lawn mower, or the price of a gallon of milk. Eventually this will become habit. Your wife may put up with your current antics, but she might also appreciate the break.

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