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Royal Treatment

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It turns out I am going to be in the same room with Royalty today, but I don’t think Bubby knows that. Still, this breathless message arrived late yesterday:

Hey Mr. C.,

Everybody at Wilkie High is talking about the King and Queen of Norway being in town, and how cool is that? Some of us were daydreaming how we might grab a bus downtown and maybe run into them, be our super extra charming selves, and maybe get deputized into the royal posse and brought back to Norway as sort of their pet Americans.

Kinda far fetched, I know, but when Mr. Boozenporn lectured on Norway yesterday, it sounded so cool! It almost made me want to find it on a map, but then I decided it would be more fun to learn about that later. Maybe after I arrive. Did you know that they have jobs there? They do! Because they produce oil and stuff. So if me and my friends were Norwegian teenagers, we might actually be thinking about getting jobs when we’re done with school instead of just living in mom and dad’s basement, maybe.

Then last night I had this dream that I went to Norway and became a Scandanavian Oilwegian, and I sent thousands of dollars back home to my folks to help them pay for their health care.

Don’t get me wrong, I love America. But I love money too, and it sounds like in Norway they’ve got some that ordinary people are allowed to have. A lot of the people speak English too, and the countryside is like Minnesota, so I’d feel pretty comfortable right away. Even a lot of the stuff is the same as here. Somebody told me if I go to Norway, I had to ask somebody to show me all the Fords. Don’t know why that’s so important, but apparently they’re all over on the west side of the country!

Anyway, if you happen to see the King and Queen of Norway and they say they’re looking for some American Youth to take back with them, please spell my name right.

Your friend,

B-U-B-B-Y

I told Bubby it was not likely that the Norsk Royals would adopt him or take him home to work in the oil fields. They are not here on a mission to accumulate stray American youth. And if he thinks he might someday move far away to a place where there are jobs so he can send some money back to his poor old mum and dad, he should start in a place that’s more reachable and less exotic, like North Dakota.

What kind of Queen (or King) would you make?

89 thoughts on “Royal Treatment”

  1. Morning all. Hope everybody who wants to meet K&Q today have luck!

    As for me, I don’t think I’d make good royalty. I’m sure I would lose patience in the first 10 minutes with the kind of attention that you get. And I know I wouldn’t be good at being politically correct. Of course, I’d love to have fabulous resources on hand to help people – but then again I’m sure my bleeding heart liberal causes might not be the most popular!

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    1. welcome back jaun. couldn’t you look at it as being a job creator? everyone needs to have someone follow along and pick up gum wrappers and sunflower seed shells when they are done. you could pick your toadie and give the youth of north america hope they too might one day play a vitial role in society.

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      1. Except that the folks who usually end up pick up our gum wrappers (& picking our grapes) aren’t the “youth of america”! There was just a song on RH this morning w/ a line about letting immigrants pick our food but not sit at our table. I’ll have to look it up.

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      2. Not only pick our food, but cook it too – If you looked into the kitchen of pretty much any restaurant in town, you’d discover that all the line cooks are immigrants.

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  3. Good morning to all,

    The system of electing people to serve us in this country is not working very well, so I think having a king or a queen might be an option we should consider. I wonder if this option is being discussed at Liberty Park by the Occupy Wall Street people. They probably want to reform our electorial system, but if that doesn’t work they might want consider finding royalty to run the country. I don’t want to be the king of the United States. If they can’t find any one else, they could make me the King of Clarks Grove.

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      2. My home would become the palace, but it would be a humble one. When I move to Minneapolis my place there would become the new palace for Clarks Grove. The people in Clarks Grove might not like having a king living in Minneapolis, but as their king I would have control over the location of my palace.

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  4. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    First you have to separate out the Royal Roles–there is the “serving the people” role and the “I get whatever I want because I’m Queen/look at me” role.

    I think I would be really, really bad at serving and tolerating the people. I am certain that my favorite phrase would become OFF WITH HER HEAD. Once I get tired of something or someone and the royal patience would grow thin, serving the people would go right out the window.

    Now the very narcissistic “I get whatever I want/look at me” role, that is a different story. I could do that part quite nicely. I can see myself giving orders, having minions and flunkies, enjoying some court jesters, and being waited on. Yup, I could do that.

    But winning the lottery could give me all that without the “serving the people” duty inconvenience.

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    1. Jacque, if you become the kind of queen you are describing you better have a very big collection of minions and flunkies to protect you because you might be faced with a hostile public that would rise up againest you. Of course, You might also become a royal person who is well liked by the public in spite of your narcissistic ways.

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      1. Well, for a true narcissist there is nothing like attention, hostile or adoring! Truth is, I love my privacy and my insignificant little life as it is. My only realm is the garden with all the tomatoes which ARE STILL PRODUCING.

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      2. My tomatoes are also still producing. The cooler weather will slow them down very soon and I will have a lot of green tomatoes to bring inside to ripen.

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    2. Jacque… maybe you & I could be co-Queens. I’m all about serving the people. Getting whatever I want? Not so much. I’d have no clue how to handle that.

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  5. king would be a kick. every king tries so hard not to upset the apple cart or make anyone feel like their side of the deal is not being attended to. i would say to heck with that. i am me and my idea is different form yours. when you hit kinghood then we can care about all your views until then have you considered paraquay? they have room for people with opinions like yours there too.

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  7. Oh Dale – you get to see the King and Queen of Norway! I’m soooooooo jealous. I was thinking of stalking…er….hanging out at Augsburg College on Sunday in the hopes I could catch a glimpse as they come and go from chapel services. But maybe I’ll have to content myself with having seen their palace back in Norway. Not the same.

    I think I’d make a beter Queen Mum – I could be a little eccentric and wear fabulous hats. I’d be good at that. I’d be more free to do “good works” and indulge in my charitable giving instincts, but wouldn’t have to deal with all that pesky run-the-country-decision-making. With the right estate at my disposal I could have a herd of basset hounds to amuse me. Plus, I think Daughter would make a better Queen than I would, anyway.

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      2. Oh my yes, we’ve been in and out of princesses (and fairies) several times. This is how I know she would be a good queen – she was not a demanding princess. Daughter doesn’t really remember it (and I’m sure I’ve told this story before), but she and I got to meet a real princess when one of the Norwegian princesses was here. No crown or tiara – just a smashing suit. Hmm…maybe that’s why Daughter has been such a quiet princess – early exposure to a real princess who likes to tell stories.

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      3. And, no VS, I wouldn’t worry. Maybe she’s balanced out by my friend’s youngest son who *did* go through a princess phase (wearing his older sister’s dress up clothes). He musta gotten her princess juju.

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    2. i think you’d be fine as queen anna, hats and bassets thats a fine platform, your daughter as a political advisor being groomed to take over when its time.

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      1. If I were queen I would decree that there be nap time every day after lunch and another break during the day for art. Alright everybody, it’s Friday – time to break out the sidewalk chalk!!! (Unless it’s raining, then Fridays would be Play-Doh or Lego Day.) Mondays could be Crayons Day, Tuesdays are Clay or Paints Day, Wednesdays Crazy Sculpture Day (varies based on available materials), Thursdays are Paper Crafts Day. None of this can be “high art” – all has to be completed in under an hour (generally 30 minutes) so it doesn’t become to precious or serious. Yeah – that’s the kinda queen I’d be. Naps and art. And good music playing during art time. And basset hounds.

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  10. I’d be the sort of queen who would encourage rent controls, free medical care, and stiff child protection laws.I’d also expect to have really fancy state china and silver to dine with, and lots of state jewels to flash. I saw in the paper here the other day 20,000 more jobs will be created in North Dakota by the end of 2011 because of the increase in oil rigs. Bubby had better not head out here looking for work though, since there is no where for him to live that he could possibly afford. A one bedroom apartment goes for $1500 a month if you can find one, and it won’t be a very great apartment, either. People are showing up looking for work and finding it, but end up living in pop-up campers with spouses and several kids. Winter is coming and the smaller communities are afraid to allow the multiple man camps to come in since many towns don’t even have any law enforcement and can’t afford to improve services and infrastructure at such short notice.

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    1. I forgot to add that the man :woman ratio in many places in western ND is now 9 men to every 1 woman. Bubby might have a really hard time finding a date.

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      3. When I was in Søndrestrømfjord in Greenland there were 1200 men and 26 (or was it 32?) women, not a good ratio for either sex in my experience.

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  12. I would make a terrible queen. Not only am I unable to do the royal wave to my subjects but i hate lots of people looking at me. But as bad a queen as I would make, I would be a much worse king.

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      1. I’ve been practicing my royal wave for years. Granted, I always assumed I would be needing it as I sat on the back seat of of convertible in a parade, but I’m certain it would be adequate for waving to my royal subjects as well.

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  16. The Dalai Lama is also the Tibetan head of state; he’s the sort of ruler I’d want to be like. Otherwise, I think I’d prefer to stick to democracy. It’s messy and ugly and clumsy and corrupt in its current incarnation–and probably always was–but it’s still the closest facsimile of a fair and equitable system than anything else humanity’s come up with.

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  17. I would make a lousy queen. I wouldn’t like all of the attention. I’d have to make myself available for all kinds of public events and displays and I wouldn’t be very happy about that. I really prefer my solitude and the freedom my simple life affords me. Except for the reality of going to work everyday, I can do what I want when I want. I can’t imagine wearing a crown or jewels.

    The other thing I wouldn’t like is the responsibility I’d have for everybody. I’d need to make sure that people are happy, healthy and have everything they need. I’d probably try to make sure that education and health care are available to every single person and that cost would not be a limiting factor for anyone. I’d insist on a very well-educated society so that the chance of repeating history would be very slim. I don’t know whether or not my social goals would be popular. My own family would surely dislike them. I’d become depressed If there were people who would demand to know how we’re going to pay for all of this or other detractors. I wouldn’t care about paying for it. I’d just say, “Make it happen.” I’d make a lousy queen.

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      1. Cliffy alert.

        Derived from Mexican Spanish “peón”, originally from Medieval Latin “pedo” – or foot soldier. It has a range of meanings but its primary usage is to describe laborers with little control over their employment conditions.

        Old French took the word in another direction… becoming “paon” and eventually borrowed by the English as “pawn”.

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  18. Were I the king, my VP would be tim (and most other baboons could expect a cabinet position). Federal expenditures on crop subsidies and grants to favored industries would be halted and redirected toward funding early childhood development. Congressmen and senators would get the same health plans as average Americans. Perhaps my biggest edict would be that taxation rates for corporations be based on the ratio of the gap between those at the top and those at the bottom of a corporation, so that a business that showers its executives with money would be declaring itself so rich it could become a real leader in paying for government. The national anthem would be America the Beautiful. Political districts would be designed by computer programs that wouldn’t even know which parties were involved. And my cabinet would probably include a Ministry of Silly Walks, just so our political leaders would be discouraged from seeing themselves in grandiose terms. Paul Krugman would be secretary of treasury.

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    1. Could I be “Director of Romance”? Many years ago I met a woman at a hotel in Hawaii and this was her title. I still have her business card squirrelled away at home because I’ve always thought that would be a good title to have!

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    2. Truly, that is a plan I could happily, securely and peacefully live with. Can I be the minister of adverbs? Someone else can be the minister of sentences ending with prepositions.

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      1. One of the few jokes I can remember.

        Two women at a cocktail party – one with a Southern accent, one with a Northern accent.
        Southern woman: So, where y’all from?
        Northern woman: From a place where we don’t end our sentences in a preposition.
        Southern woman: Excuse me. Where y’all from, bitch.

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        1. Verily,
          The hahaha! that I put in my reply to Linda—was meant for you and the joke. Not yet familiar with the reply feature through email. I surely do not want to offend Verily, especially if it turns out that only people whose names could qualify as adverbs will vote for the minister of adverbs.

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        1. Linda,
          hahaha! Great you got that covered. This may come in handy: “I think this joke is a neat equal to Winston Churchill’s comment that not ending sentences with prepositions was nonsense up with which he would not put.” gotta attribute, that is from one of my brothers.

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      3. I confess to the sin of ending sentences with prepositions. But as Weston Noble used to say about taking a tempo he preferred to the “official” one, “but I know that I am sinning, so it is all right.”

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      4. thaks king steve. ill do my best vice king routine. as for the director of romance. sherrilee i like your priorties and by the way can you send me a copy of the card you are saving?
        i do like the line that says if you know you are sinning it is ok. i could live with that.

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  19. Would I have to be queen of the USA-I would not like that one little bit-I would be far too out-of-touch with my subjects, as I do not watch any “reality” tv and very few sporting events.

    Some small, neutral country that minds its own business and doesn’t have any massively desireable resources, just enough for everyone to be securely fed and housed, I’m there. Happy to be pursuing my quaint lifestyle for people to come and observe on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 10-3.

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  20. Having grown up in a monarchy with a democratically elected government that rules the land, I have a whole different take on royalty. At least in Europe, royalty is largely ceremonial and representative; figureheads if you will. Yes, they belong to a rather exclusive club with a lot of privileges, but also a lot of public expectations as to how they should behave. They live in castles, have great personal wealth and have lots of personal attendants and servants, but they have no power to enact laws or make rules about anything.

    As a kid, I thought et grossly unfair that, by some accident of birth, I wasn’t born a princess, but have long since come to realize that I would make a lousy one. I think most American millionaires have considerably more power, are under less public scrutiny, and can behave pretty much how they like. So give me the cash, you can have the nobility and the crown jewels.

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    1. I might add that most of those castles are old, dank and drafty. Fun to visit on occasion, but not sure I’d choose to live there though there might be some interesting ghosts in some of them.

      And, these days, there’s the constant threat that you might loose your royal privilege and unceremoniously be deposed. King Constantin II of Greece has been living in exile since 1974.

      In today’s Pioneer Press was a photo of a royal wedding in Bhutan. I can’t remember when I last saw such a glum looking group of people, including the bride and the groom, at a wedding. I have a feeling that royalty isn’t all that it is cracked up to be.

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  21. WOT, got all of my spring bulbs planted this morning. 80 tulips and 20 daffodils. Great day to be digging in the dirt!

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    1. Dale isn’t the only one to be in the presence of royalty….Just this week I saw that King Vitamin has returned to his rightful throne in the cereal aisle. On the way home I saw a monarch butterfly. That night isn a true scandal I slept with a queen (sized mattress that is).

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    2. Nay, nay, nay! You do NOT want a million dollars, Ben. I heard it just yesterday on MPR’s Mid-Day that winning the lottery is a sure ticket to misery. Your life goes into a dumpster. Happiness is for those who don’t win any lotteries, which makes me a candidate for pure bliss.

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      1. I believe this is from a t-shirt that was once on offer from the Lake Woebegone Store

        “Please Lord, feel free to give me the opportunity to prove that vast wealth will not change me.”

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      2. Well, Steve, if you heard it on MPR it must be true, but I’d still like a crack at seeing how a million dollars might change my life.

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