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Ask Dr. Babooner

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Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’m running for President of the United States because I think I’m a pretty good person. I have a lot of radical ideas that make perfect sense to me, so I figured my passion and certainty would be enough to get me elected if people would only give me a fair chance. But as soon as I got started with my campaign I discovered that I had to hire a bunch of other people to do the things I didn’t have time to do. And believe me, that’s a lot of things! Running for President is a lot more involved than raising 852 foster children, which I’ve done and which I thought was the busiest kind of work a person could have. Surprise!

And just like children of all kinds, the campaign workers have started to snipe at each other and call each other names and say that they got pushed and their foot was stepped on and somebody took their favorite hat and somebody else said out loud at school that they smelled like poop and now their life is as good as over and they’re going to have to run away!

When selfish children start to pick on each other like this, some people automatically blame the mom, saying she’s a lousy parent. That last part could be true, but even the best possible mom can wind up with whiney, petulant children. It doesn’t automatically mean she’s bad – only that she chose to get deeply involved with people whose brains are still developing.

Now some of my critics are saying I shouldn’t be President because my campaign workers are fighting. I find that really, really frustrating and I want to speak out because I know the whole story of what goes on behind the scenes. And what I want to say to those critics is that if you can’t something better than a few squabbling children as your reason why I should never be President, you aren’t trying hard enough.

But of course I can’t really say that, since it would be self-defeating.

So Dr. Babooner, do I keep quiet and take a mild bit of heat, or do I lash out at my tormentors and take the blazing inferno?

Sincerely, Mrs. B.

I told Mrs. B that she’s complaining about the wrong thing. Negative attention is still attention, and if the alternative to making things worse is being forgotten, you have to go ahead and make things worse. Even a casual, oblique, half-sympathetic reference to you as part of a clubby little blog written by a clueless dolt might be worth a vote or two, and you really can’t afford to throw any of those away.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

44 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Babooner”

  1. Dear Mrs B,
    It is a shame that the mainstream media and the blogosphere are not treating you with the respect you deserve. Every campaign has petulant workers. Why in the world are they focusing on yours? Every candidate makes slips of the tongue. Why in the world are they focusing on yours? Every campaign has ups and downs in their fund-raising. Why in the world are they focusing on the fact that you are spending money faster than you can raise it? Every winning candidate has trailed in the media polling at some point? Why in the world are they focusing on the fact that you are regularly ranking below “none of the above”

    Remember, my dear, God wants you to run and definitely wants you to stay in the race. God and your lovely husband especially want you to continue run until June. If you stay in the fight until then you will succeed or at least be ineligible to run for re-election to Congress.

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  2. Dear Mrs. B – it’s not fair that all of this is happening to you and it is not your fault! you should definitely call a press conference and explain that you are blameless in all of this – stomp your foot and cry a little and say that your staffers will pay – fire everyone and start over. and wear something distinctive to the conference – a very outlandish hat, maybe. and if this works, please let me know because i’ll be moving to Canada.

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  3. Rise and Shine Mrs. B:

    I recommend you lash out with vigor and vitriol, loudly. Perhaps during a press conference which you have called. I’d also recommend that you invite your husband to assist. I hear he runs the show, though. Maybe he should call the press conference and speak for you. Then it is his fault, not your fault. Which is the point, right? It’s never your fault.

    Then take a long vacation, in an obscure place. It is your due.

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  4. Wasn’t the end of the world supposed to happen last week? Maybe your petulant campaign workers are just cranky because they had given up a number of their favorite worldly goods thinking that The End was coming (and that you were the candidate to back until then since God told you to run). When the sun rose Saturday morning and they were all still here, along with all of their Godly family and friends, imagine their frustration. Here they were thinking they didn’t need to pay their taxes or mortgage because The End was coming (they probably still think they don’t need to pay their taxes). Of course they’re bickering with each other – they are trying to find out who among them was the most wrong so that they don’t need to look foolish themselves. It’s not you, honey, it’s that pesky End Times thing. If they don’t come back, I’d say to call them all poopy heads and hold your breath until you turn blue to show them you mean business.

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  5. Good morning to all,

    Mrs. B, I think we are all agreeing that you need to move forward with more attention getting statments and actions. You have shown that you can be considered to a be potential canidate for president, so don’t stop now. Maybe you could show you are the one who is most outraged at the Occupy movement. Call for having them all arrested or something like that. How about telling Obama that he shouldn’t remove any troops from any war zone and should open up more war zones? You could ask Obama to give everyone in the top 1% a bonus because they have done so well at their jobs of becoming the wealthiest people in the country. All of those suggestions sound very presidential to me. They are more or less what presidents do.

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  6. Mrs. B., if I were you, I would hire a private detective (with campaign money) to investigate the sordid lives of those who have quit on you, and then make the dirt public, demonstrating to all and sundry how you will deal with those who displease you if you become president. Then, you can deny you used campaign money for a smear job and distract everybody so they don’t focus on your strange ideas and your lack of reasonable ideas to fix the economy. That will show those disloyal New Hampshire turncoats, and will draw positive comparisons between you and a previous president who had lists of enemies didn’t think he had to abide by the rules, either.

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  7. Dear Mrs. B,
    I truly think you should go with your strength and site historical precedents for this sort of thing. Didn’t exactly the same thing happen to President William Lloyd Garrison?

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    1. Or, just say anything that comes to your mind about the historical precedent for anything you do, Mrs. B. We know you are very smart and anything you say must be true. Also, if it is found that something you say isn’t true, don’t worry. You seem to have the ability to get away with stretching the truth and that makes you good presidential material. The ability to get away with stretching the truth seems to be a top talent of most or all of our presidents.

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  8. Mrs. B,

    You poor thing. It has been tough, hasn’t it? Of course, we all know that God told you to run for president, but did he ever tell you it would be easy? Nothing worthwhile is easy, is it? Just stick to your guns, er, no, not your guns, just stick to your convictions – especially the conviction that you are right about everything – and eventually more and more people will discern your true worth.

    And what is your true worth? Let me tell you something that happened in my childhood – we arrived home to find a skunk in the flower beds by the front porch and my very young brother mistook the skunk for a cat and walked towards it calling, “Kitty, kitty, kitty…” My mother ran quickly to grab him before he could get to the skunk while the rest of the kids stood there in mingled amazement and horror. Now, which character in this story are you, Mrs. B? I’ll give you a hint…it’s not the mother protecting her innocent child.

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  9. Actually, Mrs. B., I am a little amazed to find you appealling for advice to someone as fallible as Dr. Babbooner. I should have thought praying about the situation would be adequate for you. Some of your fellow candidates seem to think this is the way to deal with all sorts of human and natural disasters, and with all due respect, your situation is simply not on the magnitude of wild fires in drought stricken Texas devouring people’s homes, crops and perhaps lives.

    Like you, I grew up in Iowa and now live in Minnesota (ok, I’m home a lot more than you are, but let that pass). I believe in prayer too, but more on the order of “give me the strength to get up and do what needs to be done”.

    On the other hand-you’ve got vastly more in material goods than I do, so why should you listen to me.

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  12. Lash out, Mrs. B. By all means, lash out. We can’t wait to see it. You and your campaign workers are the best reality TV out there!

    Of course, none of these little ripples in your otherwise serene campaign are your fault. You have a right to insist that these people start treating you with more respect. If they are unhappy with the way things are going, they can be replaced. Let them eat cake.

    Dale, you are definitely not a clueless dolt! You might be the funniest clubby little blogger anywhere!

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  13. On the other hand, if you ignore all this and just let it blow over, Mrs. B, maybe you will just fade away; people will forget all about you and we won’t have to explain to our outstate friends how it is that you came from Minnesota.

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  14. Well, it seems that reality has once again trumped the blog. Bachmann staffers today announced that the press release from Iowa didn’t really come from the departing members of NH Team B.

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    1. The Bachmann lackeys could not say who wrote the blistering missive. I am thinking that Bart the Bear is a likely , angry author.

      Any other thoughts?

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  15. I saw a license plate in the student lot here that was “T-999”.

    Think it really means Tea Party and the tax idea? Would someone really commit themselves to this possible ‘blink-of-an-eye’ idea??

    Or is it computer jargon or something?

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  16. Mrs. B. Relax and make this cake. Everyone else–we had this in Castle Danger, fun and quite good. Quick dessert.

    Five-Minute Chocolate Mug Cake

    Ingredients
    4 Tbsp plain flour
    4 Tbsp sugar
    2 Tbsp baking cocoa
    1 egg
    3 Tbsp milk
    3 Tbsp oil
    Small splash vanilla
    3 Tbsp chocolate chips (optional)

    Directions
    1) Have large microwave-safe mug ready.
    2) Sift dry ingredients.
    3) Pour oil in mug.
    4) Beat in egg and milk.
    5) Add vanilla.
    6) Stir in dry ingredients until all is well mixed.
    7) Add chips or other optional ingredients.
    8) Place mug in microwave for 3 minutes (in 1000 watt oven).
    9) Cake will rise to the top of the mug or perhaps over. Do not be alarmed.
    10) Allow to cool two minutes or more and tip onto a plate.
    11) Add any toppings you want—ice cream, whipped cream, chocolate syrup, etc.

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    3. Once, I thought Mrs. B was a bad dream. Then, I discovered that she was nightmare come to life. My response to her has been to cover my ears, close my eyes and sing loudly—lalalalalala. But, I am interested in the Five-Minute Chocolate Mug Cake. Anyone baked it in a gas oven? no microwave here but I could use a quick dessert and a bit of relaxation to erase all thoughts of Mrs. B.

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  19. i did hear that michele has a book coming out in december ala palin. if she drops out of the race she will die a humiliating death in the book club book of the month potential. there are advance payments i’m sure she received and would be will to bet she has already spent .she likely tooked palin’s numbers and drew an equals sign next to her potential income. for some it may a stocking stuffer. i had another thought about where to stuff it.

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    1. tim, don’t be too quick to speak againest Michele’s book deal. She has generated a lot of discussion on Trail Baboon. We have come up with extensive commentary about her. There might be some way we can benefit fron the release of a book about her. At least we would probably have a lot to talk about when her book comes out.

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