Today’s guest post comes from Steve.
About a decade ago I was delighted to discover that I was a storyteller. Storytelling is amusing for others, and yet it can be so much more. I saw it as a rich activity that is essential to forming values and shaping the way we perceive the big issues in life. I was proud to identify myself as a teller of stories.
Maybe a year or two later, after some reflection, I began to see the dark side of storytelling. What could possibly be wrong with being a storyteller? In a word, storytellers are rotten listeners. There are exceptions, of course, but the statement is essentially true. Painfully true. And I began to see evidence that I was an especially inept listener.
It isn’t hard to see why. A storyteller is driven by a burning desire to tell a story that others will enjoy. But nobody can tell a story and listen at the same time, just as nobody can suck and blow simultaneously on a tube. The acts are incompatible. Telling stories well requires full concentration. When a storyteller isn’t actually talking it might look as if he or she is listening. The sad truth, however, is that a silent storyteller is (at best) listening with half an ear while preparing to trot out the next story. Most storytellers suffer impatiently while others talk, waiting until that other person shuts up and they can tell another story. Talking when they should be listening, storytellers fail to appreciate what others have to offer, and they typically fall into the trap of telling their favorite stories over and over.
While storytellers are a blessing to mankind, the greater need is for more folks who listen well. Listening well is the ultimate act of respect we can show for others. Because people talk inefficiently and repeat themselves, it is rarely necessary to listen closely. We can listen with half a mind without missing a thing. Listening well requires concentration and a bit of humility, and it is the rare person who concentrates with a full mind on what others have to say.
I was married to such a person. My former wife is the best listener I’ve met. I’ve often watched her relating to people she doesn’t know. She might ask a good question or two, but mostly she listens, and it is instructive to see how quickly people respond to that. They experience a glow of good feelings toward her without knowing that they are thrilling to the rare experience of being listened to. My former wife is a highly accomplished woman, and I’ve always felt that her business and personal success was based largely on her amazing ability to listen to others.
When I became aware of the terrible temptation that drives storytellers (including me) to talk too much, I resolved to listen better. I made a project of talking less and listening more. It was amusing to see how hard that was. After all, the normal mode for a storyteller is talking! Ironically enough, I suddenly found myself wanting to tell stories about the need for listening well.
Even so, I got better almost instantly. Because so few people bother to listen well, it is actually easy to become a superior listener. If you make an effort—even a small effort—you will do far better than most of us do in daily life. And if you want to do even better than that, there are a few well-known techniques that signal to others that we are listening attentively to them. (A typical “trick” of listening well is repeating what someone has just told you, which is a strong signal that you are interested and are paying attention.)
Just at the time I had launched my project to become a better listener I gave a ride to Carolyn, a young woman in my book club. I hardly knew her, although I liked Carolyn, for she is a passionate reader of books. Carolyn and I were making small talk as I drove her home from the club meeting. I think I had just asked her about her job. I was preparing to tell her a story about bad jobs . . . but I stopped myself. I thought, “Shut up, Steve! Be a listener, not a damned talker.” And then I noticed that Carolyn had just spoken the same sentence, word for word, two times in a row. That seemed odd. I ditched the amusing story I had queued up and instead asked Caroline a question about what she was trying to say.
Both of us were shocked when Carolyn burst into tears. Because she scarcely knew me, she was embarrassed, and yet she couldn’t stop sobbing for several minutes. I fought the impulse to start blathering advice. What Carolyn needed, obviously enough, was someone to listen.
Carolyn explained that she had doubts about everything in her life. Although she was fond of the young man she was living with, she knew he would be a terrible husband. He was pressuring her to buy a house with him, which would have made the relationship more complicated and difficult to leave. She had equal doubts about her job and the profession she was preparing to enter. When Carolyn looked at her life, “everything” about it seemed wrong, and she was being pushed toward commit to several decisions she dreaded making. She was terrified.
We talked. I don’t know if the things I said to her that night did any good. I’m sure it was a good thing that I had listened to her. I’m sure the way Carolyn opened her heart that night was ultimately good for her, for she dragged all her unacknowledged demons out of the closet and shoved them in the bright light of day. At the very least, I knew that the trust Carolyn had shown me was a thumping validation of the wisdom of listening well.
I knew a ranch hand in northern Montana, a man named Sonny Turner. His weathered face had a lot of character, particularly since his long nose slanted sharply to the right. I once asked, “Sonny? How in hell did your nose get so crooked?” Sonny said, “Oh, that happened in a bar in Williston. It was one of them times when I was talking when I shoulda been listening.” I knew just what he meant.
Are you a good listener?
Are you a good listener?
Trail Baboon 
Good morning to all,
I like to talk . Because of that, I’m something like the storytellers you described, Steve, who are always thinking about what they want to say and not listening very well. I do think it is important to listen to people. Carl Rodgers is a hero of mine. I admire his people centered approach where you do more than listen, you but yourself in the other person’s place and show empathy for that person. Carl Rodgers also wrote about the need for student centered education which I think is badly needed.
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Is there a way to teach that skill – how to put youself in another person’s place – to folks who really cannot naturally do that? I’ve finally realized that some people just really can’t do that, as opposed to won’t.
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I am an excellent listener but I wish I were a better rememberer.
Off to school in denim blues today. Two nights of conferences done. One more next week. Halloween on Monday caused a lasting effect on students all week. I’d murder them if I could. 🙂
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I enjoyed doing substitute teaching. Never-the-less, I know that students can really give their teachers a bad time on occaisions. I have often thought that most 13 yeat olds should just have a year off from school.. At 13 years of age many students act like every day is Halloween when they are in school.
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The guidance counsellor at my junior high once said to us that the junior high years would probably be better spent on a farm, working. Wish I could have done that (maybe someplace with goats 🙂 ).
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Hang in there Donna. Is your desk-tipper still at it?
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I hear you.
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😉
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I don’t think I listen very well in conversation. I’m slow to process, and I miss a lot of what the person is saying because I’m still thinking about the thing they said thirty seconds ago. I’m probably better at listening in an e-mail conversation, which can be digested in little chunks.
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I disagree LStP. You at least appear to be a great listener! And even if processing is slow, I’ve learned to listen hard (or read with concentration) anything you say or write. Pearls falling from thy lips, and all that!
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Heartily agreed! 🙂
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Aahhhh.
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I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes, even this blog moves too fast for me. By the time I’ve thought through what various people have said and what I want to add to the conversation, it’s the next day and the conversation is over and I have to start all over with a new topic. In real life conversation, I’m often several steps behind everybody else.So I guess i can listen, just not to too much in a short amount of time.
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Rise and Attend to Others Baboons!
Great day on the Trail again yesterday. BiR is right–bookmark yesterday for a boost to mood and morale.
I can be a good listener, but I have to remember to SHUT UP myself at times. Especially if I feel lonely. Listening is part of the job of course. I wish I could say I am a good story teller, but alas, I am not.
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No. I’m not a good lutenist. Never even tried to play one.
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tee hee
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I noticed you were a rather good listener the other day, though!
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Like Jacque, listening is a big part of my job, listening not only for what is said but for what isn’t said, or for what is said with action and not words. I also have to work at shutting up. I love to tell stories.I don’t know if I would define reflecting back what a person has said as a “trick” but it does help clarify what has been said and can have a healing impact if done artfully.
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I admire those who listen and reflect well especially in professional situations. I have always found it challenging especially since my role as a genetic counselor involves reflective listening and the imparting of information. In 30+ years of counseling I have never had the opportunity to say,”I hear you saying that since you have a genetic disorder with variable expressivity inherited in an autosomal fashion that testing for tandem repeats is needed.”
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The rheumatologist, B-A, switched my diagnosis from fibromyalgia to genetic polymorphism, admitting that naming things is not the point. I have decided that genetic polymorphism carries a bag load of meanings to her 1) I have no idea what is wrong with you or what to do. 2) You have screwed up body chemistry beyond our understanding 3) go away and let me deal with simple things.
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so you left?
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I agree, Renee, much communication takes place non-verbally. As to the technique of reflecting back what someone has said, done artfully is key.
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What do you mean by that? Are you saying we are not artful. Uh oh. I’m going to have a crisis!
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No, I wasn’t saying that Jacque. But I think we have all had that technique used on us by someone trying to sell us something we we’re resisting buying, such as more insurance or a new used car. Leaves me feeling manipulated.
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I’m just kidding PJ! Old Shrink joke.
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🙂
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I didn’t mean to demean the technique by calling it a “trick.” But it is something you can learn to do almost instantly, and its impact in conversation is dramatic.
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I should read this post every day as soon as I get up. I try. At least, I try to try.
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Please read and then write.
I’m off.
And I’m going to go out biking now, too.
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Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.
– Yoda
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Well said, Linda
In a perfect world, that works. There, this wonderful reminder by Steve would not be needed.
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Typical pithy, intelligent Linda comment!
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Michael — welcome. As you join us here on the trail, you’ll see that our Linda is the BEST quoter around!
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Thank you, Sherrilee
I mourned the MPR demise of Mr. Connelly. Glad to have stumbled upon this haven of sense.
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or nonsense in the best sense of the word, perhaps?
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Quite possibly, Madislandgirl
I would love to hear your definition of nonsense.
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I’d say yesterday’s offering on the Trail would be a good start to that definition! Wot larks!
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In Jim Ed’s Obit the author called TLGMS an “Alternate Universe.” That is a great description of that show. This blog has become another AU under Dale’s tutelage. Welcome to the AU (as opposed to the troubled EU across the pond) and the world according to Blevins.
BTW, I think as a group we should found a “Tom Keith Memorial Academy for the Radio Creation of Alternate Universes” at a college to teach communications majors what there is to know about TLGMS magic. Maybe that way someone will create another one somewhere.
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AU can also stand for ‘Astronomical Unit’…. which I think could also apply to this group.
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AU is also the chemical symbol for gold. Tom Keith and Jim Ed Poole were definitely worth their weight in gold in this universe and in all alternate ones.
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Welcome Michael! If you haven’t found them yet (and have some spare time) Dale has provided a FAQ section up top (black bar under the trail photo) and a pretty tongue-in-cheek Glossary we’ve conjured up…
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I used to be a “Stephen Ministry” trainer. (That’s “Stephen Ministry” not “Steve Ministry.”) I would tell each group at the start that this was going to be 40 hours on how to shut up and listen. Based on Carl Rodgers for one. Jim and I discussed our mutual respect fro Carl Rodgers when he and Krista were here.
Then many years later I did three-Sunday adult forums I called “Christian Listening Skills.” A short version of Rodgers using the encounters of Jesus with people as a model. My own design.
Both went quite well. The Sunday forum was to make them aware of Steve’s point.
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I’m convinced you are an exceptionally empathic listener, Clyde, based on your sensitive responses to posts.
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He is. So are you.
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I think that there is a tendency toward good listening on the Trail. When comments are posted that seem to call for a reply, it seems to me that there usually is a reply.
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ya but some time is a reply that doesn’t show much listening. ya know what i mean?
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The other side of being good at listening is not being too offended is you don’t get a good reply when you speak. I’m not real good at that just as I’m not always a good listener
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Strive to be interested not just interesting.
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Very good point, Beth-Ann. You’re a whole lot more likely to listen attentively when you’re interested in someone or something.
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Yes and no, PJ. Actually, when someone is talking about a topic that lights a fire inside us, it is harder to focus one’s attention on the speaker. When the topic is boring, we aren’t so tempted to shut out the speaker and play with the topic in our own minds.I’m not saying your are wrong, only that it is complicated.
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I’m more like tim in that regard. When I find a subject or a person boring, my mind wanders and I don’t pay attention.
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who cares about that.
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I resemble that remark, tim.
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Those of you in BBC know that like Steve, I am prone to stories…long trailing shaggy dog stories in my case (alas). I have been trying to be a better listener, but sometimes it is hard, and I have to remind myself to let someone else have a turn. I do better when I’m with just one person vs. a group, but the urge to tell stories is powerful. There is some bright shiny thing that needs to be shared, some funny anecdote, some thing related to the topic that is Just Too Cool Not To Share. I think I shall bookmark this post and read it periodically as a reminder. I can listen I can listen I can listen…
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One of the best things about BBC is that no one dominates or talks too much.
Anna, you are certainly among the best listeners there, as you demonstrate every time with your excellent write-ups on the blog afterwards.
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then i post a 400 worderright after
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Anna – I completely agree w/ Linda about the BBC write-ups. I am always amazed that you remember so many little nuances of what we’ve talked about and then you write it up so that it’s interesting to read!
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Those posts are treasures in and of themselves. I actually think they should be treated as the Daily Blevins Posting because of the entertainment value.
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*blush*
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We need a pink emoticon
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i have a problem where i am often listening to the words behind the words. if this conversation is leading to somewhere i am nterested in or if it may be heading there sometie soon i am there for it. if i have given up the ghost and am waiting for an exit stratagy to allow me to head across the universe in seach of going where no man has gone before i am doing the uh huh …uh huh routine and not hearing a word being said. sometimes its delivery that matters. if you are a slow talking sloth who takes 16 minutes to say anything that resembles a sentance i run for the hills. if you are a snappy patterned quick talking little bundle of energy and light i can listen to you read the phone book for 5 or 10 minutes befreo i realize there is no substance there. topics are the main determing factor of my attention . while i should be open to just about anything there are many topics i do not have any interest in discovering if i have an interest in them. cleaning techniques, someones neighbors friends kid has got me lost before it begins. if there is a story behind the neighbors cats long lost best friends lost stocking cap i will hang in there but i find that there is a 9 minute intro to a terrible story that if you cut it down to 15 words woud still be a waste of breath. last night at my first thursday card game one guy who is a defense lawyer thus has a captive audience for his verbous presentations that have no punch line… started telling this story about a guy who went to southern minnesota rented a house it was haunted and both he and his wife had nightmares for a week until they left and when the went back to paint a roonm before they moved out to fulfill the contract they had with theandlord, spooky things happened and then 20 yers later they drove by and the house was a wreck. well i was laughing because the story had merit but the presentation was so bad i was feeling soory for his cients. if you can’t make an interesting out of this material how in the wolrd do you deal with boring stuff form everyday life. lawyers. a long walk off a short pier is the only answer.
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I don’t hunt at all but there are a few guys that deer and turkey hunt on our farmland. I have given them a 1 minute limit on deer hunting stories. The guys looked emotionally hurt when I told them that. I told them it’s not personal, I just don’t care. 🙂
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I’m not a hunter either, in fact I don’t “get” the thrill of killing animals like that. That said, Minnesota writer, Will Weaver, has a wonderful book called “The Last Hunter” that’s well worth reading. It’s a biography of sorts, well written, informative and interesting.
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One interesting thing I have noticed about talking and listening when it comes to kids and teens is that sometimes the best place to listen and be listened to is when you are driving in the car. It has been my own and many of my clients’ experience that a sullen or silent child or teen will talk your ear off in a vehicle. Perhaps it is because no one can easily storm off and leave the vehicle while it is moving, or perhaps the tendency to look ahead reduces the emotional intensity of a face to face encounter, neutralizing emotion that interferes with communication. Anyone else notice this?
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I do remember times like that with my son, and I think you’ve nailed the reasons – no place to run, don’t have to look at Mom. It may be harder now with the cell phones available…
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that may be it. an earbud stuck in each ear and a texting or facebook interaction makes an intrusion from me to ask about life in general a bit like nials across the blackboard. its hard to believe that my childern don’t find me fascinating but there you have it
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thats only in north dakota where the only distraction while you are driving is the grain silo off in the distance. my kids don’t listen at all in the car. they get upset if i push it while i have them captive. maybe my kids would talk to you in the car. can i ship them off tou you for a couple of heart to heart talks?
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tim – the teenager also doesn’t do well in serious discussion in the car. She’s much better at home or out and about. I think maybe the “captive audience” feeling shuts her down easily!
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its an art and you absolutly need to work at it. figure out what works and why and ride that horse til its dead
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My husband once questioned how I could possibly stand listening to all the minutia spewing out of our daughters’ mouths. They could send him into a glazed-over stupor within minutes. I realized, early on, that I was making an investment. When the big stuff started showing up in their lives, I was the one that they both came to… knowing that they would be heard by me. I think part of the key with kids (especially teens) is to resist the urge to jump into parent role the moment they open up. For me, it worked better to hear them out, process what they’d told me, and if some action was needed, find a subtle way to parent that didn’t overwhelm them. There’s no getting around a 14-15 year old, tho. The best you can hope for is that you’ll let them live to see 16!
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MN Firefly, you describe PERFECTLY what I tried to do as a parent, especially that temptation to go into “parent mode” by saying something predictable. When your kids are in a spot of trouble is sure a time when you want to listen well, and if you haven’t earned their trust before, it is too late.
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i try to do that good parent stuff but i tel my kids again and again the life in this house is like the stories in the bible. 50% good examplary behavior and 50% behavior you need to learn not to act like. if you only pay attention to the good you are missing some of the best stuff i have to offer. i love listening and helping them work thought the challanges as they come up but when they sit in front of the tv or hide out in their room rather than get on with it i am there to raise holy hell
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Maybe a teenager in a room is not talking because he is thinking “When can I leave?” Put him in a car and the question is addressed. You can leave the car when we get wherever we are going. So then you might as well fill the time by talking.
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ya they love that
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thats called kidknapping if they have to stay in the car til they do what you say
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I’ll spare too many details (& complete embarrassment for myself) and just say that the trapped in a car conversations are NOT always the best approach. During my senior year of college, about a week before I was to marry my college sweetheart, my mom went into a discussion about what to expect on my “wedding night” (aargh). There was no place to run and a long 90 minute drive ahead of us! I didn’t have the heart to tell her that things were different for my generation… I knew she must have been working up the nerve to talk about it for weeks. Retelling It still makes me squirm 35 years down the road!
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mnf, I never had that conversation with my mother. Her approach to sex education had been to tell me all during my teenage years that if I ever came home pregnant, she’d kill me. And she meant it. I married my ex in Greenland, and we were married 9 years before we divorced; my parents never met him. I never had children….and not for lack of trying.
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I imagine many a mom has taken that same approach, PJ. In hindsight, I wish my mom would have spent that time I was held hostage in the car trying to talk me out of marrying the guy instead… the marriage lasted only six months. Life doesn’t always take us down the road we have planned for ourselves, I guess.
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You’re right, Renee. I always thought it was because riding in the car allowed a kid to be less “on the spot” and feeling forced to talk.
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My daughter says that kids talk openly to her by texting. So that has become an important part of her teen ministry.
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My B-I-L has often said that if he needs to talk to my older niece he always sends a text. She won’t answer the phone, or return a voice message promptly, but she always answers a text right away.
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One of the most positive things about modern life is that we all have multiple ways now of communicating. It is intensely personal. Some folks were born to talk on the phone. Some are e-mail people. And so forth. As we meet people, a key thing to learn is which style of communicating works best for us and that person. My best friend turns out to be an IM person, far more comfortable in that genre than in any other way of relating.
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Ditto. I’ve had all kinds of things revealed to me by clients I was transporting, including severe sexual abuse. There is something hypnotic and private about that car ride that facilitates teens talking.
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I may have gotten a listening gene from my dad, who eventually becaue a guidance counselor so he could do it for a living. But I’m a talker too, so I was happy to find Co-counseling (Re-evaluation Counseling), done with peers, where I got training in what I call “deep listening” as a way to help people discharge tough emotions. I usually want to “fix” things for people, so it took some practice for me to just listen and let them get to their own answers. As for Carolyn in Steve’s story: because Steve listened instead of “blathering advice”, she had the chance to hear herself tell her story, and in her own time she “re-evaluated” her situation.
Now I’m blathering, but I love story telling too. More later, no doubt!
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p.s. The Co-counseling seems to work for some people and problems, but certainly not all, which is why we have counselors and therapists for things that are too big to handle on our own or with our peers.
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As Frasier used to say every time he took a phone call…“I’m listening.”
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Morning all… fabulous topic. Thanks Steve!
I seem to fit the profile I see emerging. I also love to tell stories and just like Steve, I sometimes find myself waiting to talk. But at an impressionable age (7th grade), a classmate told me I talk too much so I work hard at expanding my listening capabilities whenever possible. I am a very good question-asker so that helps.
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I think I’m a pretty good listener. I’m pretty introverted, so it’s easy to let my extraverted friends do their thing, much harder to be the one trying to make the story I’m telling interesting. I’m pleased to have been able to serve as a sounding board for a couple of friends working their ways through crises. What can be difficult is getting someone to talk who needs to but habitually deflects opportunities to unload. A friend of mine lost her like-a-sister best friend and her father within a short period of time, both from cancer. She has a caretaker personality, and it’s very hard to get her to stop and talk it out; I tell her it’s okay to be angry at her friend for not getting treatment until it was far too late, and she says, “Yes I know” and keeps going. That sort of thing catches up with you eventually, but I don’t think I can do anything more than suggest counseling and answer the phone when she calls. I think as I get older I’ll get quieter, which is probably a good thing–the Buddhists say that as the world gets noiser it’s more and more necessary to carry silence within you.
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“…the Buddhists say that as the world gets noisier it’s more and more necessary to carry silence within you…”
I like that CG. Thanks!
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That’s nice. I like it.
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Play therapy involves constant reflection on the part of the therapist about the child’s actions and words. The other day I was in a play therapy session with a 4 year old who I have seen for a while, and it was the end of the week and I was pretty tired. I guess I was somewhat inattentive, as the child said something and I didn’t respond as fast as I usually do, so the child made a point of repeating the statement in a quite exasperated tone, as if to say “Come on lady, do your job!” The reflections are somehow affirming and soothing to this child, and I was told in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t delivering the goods.
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My wife falls asleep, a lot, and is often tired after having a wonderful day with the grand-kids. So if they are doing something with her, such as playing a game or she is reading to them or listening to them read, they just wake her up. It’s funny to watch — “Gramma, wake up!”
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Maybe today we should each go completely OT and post a random 400-worder on something that interests us, just to see how well everyone else is listening.
Maybe mine will be about how to clean cat hair out of your keyboard.
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If you can teach me how to clean cat hair out of my keyboard, I would be astonished, Linda. I don’t have a cat! 🙂
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Well, cats happen.
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so does cat hair.
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So I’m doomed to have cat hair in my keyboard even though the last cat was shipped out of here in 2000? That sucks. I might as well have a cat and get the benefit of its mousing. Actually, I have so many mice that any resident cat would be at risk for eating too much.
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Maybe Linda’s techniques can be applied to mouse hair in you keyboard, Steve!
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Steve, with so many mice, why don’t you have a cat (or two). I’m sure we could find you one…
I’m listening.
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…the cat hair creeps in on little fog feet……
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like 🙂
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…what?… Did someone say something?
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snort
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first time down to this deep in the blog today. i keep getting stopped befor i get to the end. tgith nice insert. a good belly laugh
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It depends! Some people are just more interesting than others to listen to. I find verbal tics, such as a lot of “you knows”, “uhs,” “ums,” “likes” and other fillers very annoying and distracting. Also, I’m not very detail oriented, so if someone is telling me something and in the process relates a lot of irrelevant and, to my mind, boring detail, I tune out. Get to the point, please.
Conversation is like a two way street, information should be flowing in both directions. If one person does all the talking, it’s no conversation in my book.
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Something else that gets in the way of good listening for me is poor hearing. My hearing in my right ear is severely diminished. I have a lot of trouble hearing people who are soft spoken, and if there’s a lot of ambient noise, such as in a lot of restaurants, I’m lost.
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Same here, and you sure can get tired of telling people to speak up. This often leads to a crisis in conscience for me. If someone is talking earnestly and I can’t get the drift of what they are saying, should I ask for a repeat or pretend to comprehend? The truth is, I sometimes fake it just because it can be so hard for some folks to project when talking in a noisy room.
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i have that in both ears and in a restraunt i look like i must be the best listener in the world becase i am just about crawling over the table to get my ear in your area so i can hear over the rattles and hiss in the background. as we all (boomers) proclaim ourselves old and deaf i’ll bet the same appeal that calls people to smoke free enviorment could be promoted for a noise free enviorment.
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I think you’re on to something there, tim. We recently ate at an Italian bistro in St. Paul with another couple. In addition to a tin ceiling, which doesn’t do much for the acoustics in the first place, they had piped in music overhead, a television in each corner blaring away with a different program, and an open kitchen. It was impossible to carry on a conversation. We resorted to drawing pictures on the paper tablecloth! They had wonderful food at a reasonable price, but we won’t be back. For younger people such a cacophony may not be a big deal, but for us it was pure torture.
I’m I just getting old and cranky? It seems to me that the volume in movie theaters and many concerts is way too loud.
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Husband has bilateral hearing aids. He got them about 5 years ago. He was one grouchy guy until he got them, and now he is the lamb I first married. Poor hearing is terrible for the mood.
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huh?
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I am a terrible listener and talk waaaaaaay too much. It’s probably best I don’t manage to make it to BBC.
My mother’s hearing has never really been good, and sadly, she compensates for it by dominating the conversation. I’ve watched her do it many times. It is very painful.
I was told by the guy who assessed my Myers-Briggs that a lot of introverts talk too much. It’s a defense mechanism. I suspect that is true. I suspect complete intolerance of introversion in my family also had a hand in making me such a chatterbox.
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I beg to differ on this point: “best I don’t manage to make it to BBC.” I don’t remember you dominating the time I met you there, mig.
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Me either.
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oh shut up
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tim, what did you have for breakfast today? Barbed wire? 🙂
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One of the rare arts of life is the ability to shift from good listening to good storytelling and back again, gracefully and quickly. One of the few folks I know who can do that well is Jay Leno. He mostly asks questions, but he can slip a story in that fits the point his guest is making and does not derail the conversation.
It is remarkable how few interviewers have the ability to listen well. Most just chew their way through a pre-set list of questions and don’t respond to anything interesting or surprising in what the interviewee is saying. One of the best interviewers (and listeners) of out generation: Terri Gross. Robert Siegel is just as good. They have a genuine interest in others than can’t be faked.
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I agree, both Gross and Siegel are excellent. So are Dick Cavett and Charlie Rose.
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Charlie Rose can’t help himself; when he is excited, he interrupts. But he IS listening, and his interruptions are because he wants to advance the conversation, not just hear his own voice.
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all those interviewers are so knowledgable about the topics they are discussing it is impressive.
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Of course they have the luxury of knowing ahead of time who they’ll be interviewing and can do their research. I was always impressed when I brought an artist to the Morning Show for an interview with the information that Dale had dug up about the performer. Nice job, Dale.
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Being a nonverbal person really teaches you to learn about others. I have to listen no matter what. You really have to think out your responses which is a blessing, especially on the internet, this may be the most civil comment section out there, and I am glad to be a part of it.
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Glad you joined us Aaron. What do you mean by being nonverbal? I know you use a wheelchair. Are you not able to speak, or don’t you like to?
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arron writes his butt off with his laptop which is strapped to the wheelchair and has miles and miles action on those keys. you may not talk but sure do communicte. glad to have you back around on the trial aaron. new computer working out better than the old one?less breakdowns?
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Thanks, tim. I was wondering about Aaron’s situation. Didn’t mean to pry, Aaron, hope I didn’t offend you.
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Excellent topic with a very thoughtful presentation, Steve. I’ve thought about this topic a lot. I enjoy good conversations in which everybody is sharing and everybody is listening. That might be why I like it here on the Trail.
There have been times when I’m aware that I’ve dominated a conversation for no good reason. Part of being introspective is that you are constantly examining yourself. It’s hard to see yourself the way others see you. It all boils down to wanting to be accepted and valued in whatever relationships you find yourself. If your goal is to be accepted and valued, then the point of introspection is to improve upon yourself and becoming a better listener is something I’ve tried to do. I haven’t found it to be easy, but I’m doing better. One technique I’ve tried to use is reflecting, or active listening, as Steve described. I know what you mean about it being easy, Steve, with so many other people talking… people who have so much to say.
Sometimes the conversation just isn’t all that interesting and my inner storyteller starts whispering in the back of my mind. That’s when I need to remember that maybe my story is no more interesting or important than the one currently being related. I also start to feel impatient when someone tells me something I already know for five minutes while I keep listening.
There are a few quotes from today that I’m going to take with me:
“Listening well is the ultimate act of respect we can show for others.” -Steve Grooms
“I think as I get older I’ll get quieter, which is probably a good thing–the Buddhists say that as the world gets noiser it’s more and more necessary to carry silence within you.” -Crow Girl
“I was told by the guy who assessed my Myers-Briggs that a lot of introverts talk too much. It’s a defense mechanism. I suspect that is true. I suspect complete intolerance of introversion in my family also had a hand in making me such a chatterbox.” -madislandgirl
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I love a well told story… I enjoy telling stories almost as much as listening to a skilled story-teller. I try to be aware of how my story is being received. If my listeners are engaged, I feel it’s okay to continue. The moment they turn, I know it’s time to shut-up. True listeners are rare… so many pretend to listen but you can tell they haven’t heard a word. I try not to waste my words in those cases. Hearts open & relationships deepen if you can manage to REALLY listen to a person. Listening has become really important to me. At this stage in the game, superficial relationships have fallen by the wayside for me. I’m truly interested in hearing people’s stories & like to ask questions that will encourage them. Some of my most interesting & rewarding conversations have been with those that tend to stay to themselves… Give them an ear & a safe place to open up and you may be surprised just how much they have to say. Ears on everyone and enjoy the day!
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For some reason this song jumped into my ears today and has not left me alone. It seems appropriate somehow…
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Nutcases of the world unite and listen to each other with compassion!!!! Let the healing begin. I miss George. Sun, sun, sun: hang in there until solstice……
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Wonderful, wonderful topic, Steve. And so many good comments.
I’m not sure I’m a good listener, but I would like to be. I think it’s a basic human desire to want someone to really listen to you – not just listen to the words, but listen to the soul behind the words – and to understand you, at least in some measure.
I know some people who dominate any conversation they’re in – these people are not good listeners, they just like to blather on and they like to fit whatever I say (if I can get a word in edgewise) into their lifeview. They can distort what I’m saying so it fits into what they believe I should be saying. I know no conversation will be perfectly balanced so that everybody gets equal time talking, but a good conversation is one where everybody gets a chance to talk – and the others listen well to what that person is saying. A lot of mutual give and take. There are times and seasons when one person is more needy and may need to vent, or talk things out more than their fair share, but over time in a good friendship there will be talking and listening for both people, not just the same person always talking and the same person always listening.
Steve, it seems to me that a storyteller who is a good listener will become a better storyteller.
I also think that if a person feels like they are being heard, then they are better able to listen to others.
I really like what you said: “Listening well is the ultimate act of respect we can show for others…Listening well requires concentration and a bit of humility, and it is the rare person who concentrates with a full mind on what others have to say.”
A good book about listening is “The Lost Art of Listening” by Michael Nichols. It’s been years since I read it, but I remember it as being very, very good.
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Edith, very good commentary. I especially like “a storyteller who is a good listener will become a better storyteller.” How can you tell other people’s stories if you haven’t listened?
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Yes, very thoughtful – I agree about this too: ” if a person feels like they are being heard, then they are better able to listen to others.”
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Thanks, PJ and BiR!
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