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Inspector Goatlock’s Casebook

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I had a nice chat with Inspector Goatlock the other day. We were at the Farmer’s Market looking at produce and he appeared to be quite hungry. Still, I engaged him in conversation about his work and he told me a few things about a recent case he’d had. When I pressed for more details, he pulled a journal from his pocket and tore out a page, saying “Here … read all about it. I’ve got to find a stand selling rutabagas.”
The page read as follows:

One brisk December morning I was on a casual search for some loose hay with hints of red clover and weedy mix in a warehouse area on the outskirts of an eastern city when I noticed a crowd milling around the entrance to Michael’s Wholesale Furniture Distributors. An odd gathering, I thought, given that this was the week AFTER Black Friday’s “Door Buster” deal making. I ambled over and several members of the group turned at the sound of my hooves on the damp asphalt of the parking lot.

“Hey!” one of the millers-around exclaimed. “We found something you’ll really get into. Can you climb up on the roof to look for a hole?”

“During the night something crashed through the roof of our warehouse,” voiced another. “We think a passing aircraft has lost an important part! Maybe a piece of an axle of some sort. Airplanes have axles, right?”

“No,” offered a third. “It’s clearly from the gun turret of an alien spacecraft. We are under attack!”

“Nonsense,” blustered a fourth. “This projectile was launched by extreme weight pressures building inside the broken suspension of a passing boxcar.”

Intrigued, I quickly scrambled up on to the roof, but in spite of the initial claim made by the first person I spoke to, there was no hay. However I did find a small hole, and through a jagged opening I could see shattered ceiling tiles scattered across the floor of a warehouse chock-full of ugly plastic-covered sofas and ghastly settees.

Just then, a man appeared at roof’s edge. He had climbed up a hastily procured ladder that had been steadied against the base of a nearby industrial-sized wood chipper. He held in his hand a cylindrical five-pound chunk of metal. It matched the hole perfectly.

When I asked to investigate the artifact, he recoiled.

“What you hear about goats eating anything is absolutely false,” I said. “We’re actually rather picky.”

The strange object carried no telltale signs that would reveal its origin. Its roughly shaped ends suggested it had been violently sheared from a larger piece of equipment.

“Why would something so strange and inexplicable happen here? Camelot Industrial Park has got to be the quietest, least interesting section of Plymouth, Massachusetts!”

“Not so strange,” I said to the strange man. “It all makes perfect sense …”

The bottom of the page was missing. The moistened edge suggested that Inspector Goatlock had, in desperation, taken a bite from his own notes. And by the time I looked up, he had disappeared into the crowd.

What could explain the mysterious chunk of roof-crashing metal?

69 thoughts on “Inspector Goatlock’s Casebook”

    1. It’s important that we do not fight over it. Who will volunteer to take it to the edge of the world and throw it off?

      (About to go on what will probably be my last outdoor bike ride of the year.)

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      3. Narrator: The most inquisitive creature in Africa is the baboon.
        [a baboon swipes the Coke bottle from Xi and is subsequently chased, and climbs a tree]
        Narrator: Xi said, “That is a very evil thing you’ve got. You better give it back so I can take it and throw it off the earth. It brought unhappiness to my family. If you don’t give it to me it’ll bring grief to you and your family too.” He spoke long and earnestly until the baboon began to pay attention. He must have convinced it, and it dropped the thing. And Xi said, “You have done a very wise thing.”

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  3. i think barb in blackhoof mayhave been frustrated by the lack of red clover here in the midwest and gone off in search of hay in other geographies where they had moe snow last winter. new england had those sever storms toward the end of last year and the odds seemed much better for red clover with a bit of a weedy mix. the farmers market across the boulavard from the furnature warehouse has all the markings for the likely source of this sheared off steel rod which was likely shot out of the rutabegga cannon to test the power of the fermented rutabegga fuel they had been secretly developing to help with the green movement on the eastern rutabegga and goat cheese branch of the ffa.
    “yeah im frustrated” said barb, ” the goats arent that picky … all they ask is a little red clover. is that too much to expect in this world?”

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  4. I’m not sure how Santa’s sleigh is put together these days, I’ve never really given it much thought. But from some of the pictures I’ve seen over the years, I wouldn’t be surprised if that piece of metal somehow was a part of Santa’s sleigh that fell off on one of the many trial runs he undoubtedly has to make in preparation for a very busy season. I’m pretty sure the sled was powered solely by reindeer in the olden days, but with newer technology available, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if the sled is now some sort of hybrid that boosts the reindeer power with who knows what. I don’t know how closely reindeer are related to goats, but it sounds reasonable to me that Santa may have experienced some of the same frustrations as biB trying to find good feed for his reindeer herd. To make sure he had enough power, he has, perhaps reluctantly, had the elves modify the sled to give him that extra boost. I just hope they it fixed before Christmas or a lot of kids will be really disappointed.

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  5. just yesterday i was wondering when the Inspector might appear, Dale – ha, ha! thanks!
    i don’t have any ideas about the mystery and i need to get going (still looking for hay and am meeting another farmer this morning to take a look-see).
    Goatlock chewing on his notes isn’t so strange. those critters experience much of their world through smelling or chewing (not necessarily swallowing). When i bought Dodger she chewed off the bottom of her registration papers while we were (inattentively) standing and talking.
    but the cylinder – i like tim’s idea of the fermented rutabaga powered cannon.
    good morning – hope when i check back in this afternoon you will have solved the puzzle and i will have scored some good hay.

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  7. “i see there is an album relaease party for the new david wilcox album over at the driftwood folk cafe tonight. whats the name of the new relaese?” asked the townie who was standing nearby, “something about a hole in the sky said another local”
    “hmmm” said the police sargent who overheard the discussion.”maybe we’d a little discussion with mr wilcox”

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  8. Good morning to all. There was a guy who lived near me that liked to fire off a cannon from time to time. Maybe there’s a guy like that who shot that chunk of metal out of his cannon for the fun of it. He might have taken aim at the warehouse at off hours when no one was at work.

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  9. Matter of fact, several miles away there was a farmer enjoying the balmy fall weather and baling up a field of red clover. Although it had some weeds in it and she wasn’t expecting much interest in the bales and assuming she’d just feed it to her beef cows (as her Dad always said, “It will look green against the snow.”) She had made just a few bales when the coupler between the crankshaft and the hydraulic pump sheared off on the tractor. The noise was jarring, sudden and over as quickly as it began. The only sound now was the clover and weeds coming to rest in the baler and various fluids dripping from the tractor engine.
    When the coupler sheared it bent the fan blades, which in turn scored the fins of the radiator making interesting art out of a once functional, integral part of the engine design.
    The tractor and baler were towed back to the farm shop and upon further investigation it was determined a part of the coupler was missing. The main shaft was left with roughly shaped ends suggesting the missing part had been violently sheared from a larger piece of equipment.
    The entire coupler will need to be replaced. Along with the radiator and other misc pieces of the tractor if, in fact, it’s determined the tractor is worth salvaging.
    But the missing part was never found.

    Or was it?

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    3. well researched ben yu may be on to something there. if you stil have access to the farmer we could see if the main shaft circumference is a fit. just to be sure check the trajectory charts and send it to officer rafferty. maybe we can get him to go about issuing citations for sitting in a room which could be a dangerous practice considering

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  10. Greetings! I would say it’s the work of a group of nearby Medieval Siege Machines and War Re-Enactors. They’ve got their catapults and trebuchets set up for the re-enactment of their battle, and they were practicing; setting up the aim trajectory and using whatever junk they could find laying around. Well, there must have been a new dufus in charge who put in a chunk of metal found on their battleground and didn’t know how to aim properly. Bazinga! Hole in the roof of a warehouse nearby. Those things are powerful!

    OT: Jim and other gardener types: I just got my beautiful Seed Savers catalog today! I only plant 4 tomato plants in my Earth Boxes and it’s so hard to choose — those tomatoes are so prolific.

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      1. That’s tricky on a rental property — plus, it’s more work than I want. The Earth Box is easy, uses less water and the plants are huge with lots of fruit. I’m all about being easy.

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    2. There is such a large selection of hierloom tomatoes that I don’t know what to recommend. I always plant Stupice because it is one ot earliest and has very good tasting fruit which are on the small side. You will want one with larger fruit for general use, but here in Minnesota, with our shorter growing season, it is good to have one that will come on early.

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    3. I usually get the transplants they offer — and yes, I’ve gotten Stupice — very nice. My favorite is Purple Cherokee. It’s a beautiful color with a fantastic taste and texture. Beam’s Yellow Pear and Amish Paste round out my usuals. Unfortunately, I don’t see Beam’s Yellow Pear in the offerings this year; which was like candy falling off the bushes it was so prolific. I’ll have to try something different. As you can see, I get a nice variety with just my 4 plants and I get PLENTY of tomatoes.

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      1. I have a fairly large collection of tomato seed, not as many as some of the seed savers who specialize in tomatoes. I believe Purple Cherokee is one of the best liked ones and I have tried it and liked it. It is too bad that SSE is not offering Beam’s Yellow Pear as plants, but I think there is a good selection of plants availablefrom SSE and I’m sure you will find some good ones to try. It sounds like you have found a good way to grow tomatoes for your needs using Earth Boxes.

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  11. It appeared to be metal, but it was, in fact. the compacted remains of a retail employee forced to work on Black Friday and every weekend until Christmas. This poor employee had one too many requests for the lastest Thingy that was the Must Have gift of the year – the store had been sold out since approximately 3am on Black Friday and did not anticipate any more. Poor lamb, he had been tongue lashed, harassed by phone, bustled, bumped, and threatened physically at least three times just since 10am that morning. While he pasted on his best sympathetic smile and “I’m so very sorry” eyes, instead of information on which locations still had the desired Thingy (and no, they could not have it shipped to this location, alas), a great wave of light whooshed from his mouth and he imploded on himself right there. He could no longer contain his despair and frustration – and all of the nasty things he wished he could say came whooshing out of his body, leaving a small, compressed shell in a grey shirt and blue pants – a shell that shot through the roof right above the Customer Service desk only to break apart just above the furniture warehouse. The parts that had been his feet rested at last on a large, soft ottoman. The compressed part appeared content, even if the ottoman was a horrid shade of chartreuse that clashed with the piece’s ambient glow.

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    1. i thought it was a blue shirt and khaki pants. wonderful theory anna. but all shades of chartreusse go very nicely with ambient glow. clashing is not possible in my color palette

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  12. It seems to me that if IG looked careflly he would see that the cylinder is made of compressed tinsel. Actually all the tinsel required for every tree in the US was compacted into that cylinder and “lost.” I think the Inspector could trade the sparkly treasure for enuff red clover to see himself and the denizens of Blackhoof thru the winter.

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    1. i really used to love tinsel. more more more was the mantry in the 50’s my mom would give me the next handful of moonbeams and glitter and i would try to place it just beyond my reach and then then it would drop into the holes between the branches and it would kind of lay there and the ornaments would take your eye away form the beauty of the tinsel. i kept my eye on it though. there couldnt possibly be enough tinsel on the tree for me. my dad hated it but loved to see me get to cranked up so he would tolerate the little broken tinselettes all over the living room carpet and the pj’s i was wearing. tinsel is missing from the world today. at least my world. i will take a look as this is the first year i will be home for christmas with a tree for many years. i need to go look for ornaments and festive tablecloths. ho ho ho oi hope the compressed tinsel gets released back into the world. im thinking i will enjoy it this year.

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      1. Let me know if you find the real thing, made from tinfoil (I presume). I stopped using it when they started making silver coated plastic. You can’t get those little tinselettes with plastic!

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  13. The guy who fired off his cannon from time to time near our house has passd away. Having seen that guy in action, I think it is very likely that someone like him did fire that chunk of metal out of a cannon, or a similar device, at the warehouse and through it’s roof. In fact, out here in rural Minnesota it is not too hard to find guys who like to do that sort of thing.

    Most people would not send a piece of metal of that size through the air, but there is certain group of guys who enjoy that kind of activity. In fact, the guy who did that can probably be found sitting in a bar some where in the area laughing it up and telling other people there what he did. I supose you can also find guys who are likely to shoot stuff out of cannons in bars in urban areas as well as in rural areas. There’s a few guys like that who can be found almost any place.

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    1. That’s all very true, Jim! There are some people a few miles south of Waterville who have violated the Wetland Conservation Act numerous times and filled a wetland and bought tanks, (yes, tanks,) so that they could drive them around in the former wetland and fire upon each other in a reality TV-style war game. They’ve made it on the national news. They’ve also made it to court. They wanted to open a business so that people could pay them to drive around in a tank and fire upon other people who are also driving around in tanks. So far, no business (another thing for which to be thankful!)

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      1. wow the courts could collect the tanks like they do with hunting lisence infractions confiscate them and sell them on the open parket and reduce the state deficit further. hey is the 800 million surplus gonna knock a chunk of the 5 billion deficit or is it as one radio talking head discussed with his political pundant a ase where the 5 billion has been made upa nd here is 800 million left over after? the gop said good then we dont need to raise taxes on millionaires do we? they forgot we owe theschools and rainy day funds way more than that we stole from their coffers maybe they could give the new head of the mn gop a raise 95 000 only left them 581 million in the hole under leadership that ran out with his tail between his legs today.
        never mind…. back to theories.

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    2. Yes, Krista, that’s the kind of guys I am tallking about. I know that type is likely to do all knds of things, but that group you mentioned are outstanding examples. I’m glad the guy I knew didn’t decide to add tanks to his collection of play things. He did attach his dog to a hang glider pulled through the air by a rope fastened to his car.

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      5. My computer is slow loading the video, Tim. I can see that the dog went hang gliding with a person which is better than the case I know about and which does look like it went well. I will not go into the sad ending of the case I know about.

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  14. I don’t think I’m up to the task of the mysterious chunk of metal today. With all of the rutabaga-powered cannons, goats, customer service reps and turds around today, I must admit that I’m speechless. I need to go dry my eyes now.

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  15. hey i will mention it today and again next week that the game board evening is on for 12/12 at my place. wine will be served. bring some soup. i like that pj. or a sweet. every one else likes that. linda pointed out that i posted robert bly is doing his apppearance at plymouth congregational on 12/12 also so if you want to do that i will be here new years day (an all day event on 1/1 for the next one) so if jim krista ben clyde or the southern concerns want to try it you couldcome early new years day and blow at a reasonable time and hit the pillow at a normal time (ben this doesn’t apply) . .

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  16. Maybe it’s like in The Gods Must Be Crazy where that bottle was from a high flying plane (wasn’t it?), only in this instance it was encased in metal.

    That is so lame… how do you people come up with these elaborate theories?

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  18. Just watched the trebuchet guy, Ben. The piano hurling is straight out of Northern Exposure, Chris in the Morning… Kinda scary actually, now he wants to build a bigger one.

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  19. OT, but for tim and Ben – and you too if you care about good hay:
    looked at some second crop (we don’t get three up here) yesterday afternoon – took a couple bales home and the Girls LOVE it!!! much better milk production this morning already! not much red clover, but a good deal of birdsfoot trefoil, some alfalfa, grassy mix and green and soft, with some nice chewy bits also. this all happened because my regular hay guy had a bad second crop and very little of it. yesterday i had only about 90 bales to last me until next July. today i have over 200! i’m a happy goatherd.
    and tim – for a “dime” you can buy four bales – that’s over 200 pounds of hay for you 🙂 try to use moderately.

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