Dear Dr. Babooner,
Just today I ended a 9-year involvement with someone – a relationship that was troubled from the start and tumultuous throughout. I admit that I was the aggressor. I invaded this person’s life because, frankly, I thought they had given their love to a dictator. I had decided that some regime change was in order, and I expected to be welcomed with open arms. Instead, I was attacked and resented, and now that I have finally decided to withdraw, I’m dismayed to hear how much my departure is appreciated and how thoroughly I will not be missed.
Nine years is a long time to spend on something that leaves such a bad feeling, but I can’t undo it. I can only move on. Even friends and acquaintances who watched this situation go through its various phases seem to regard me with trepidation, as if the newly-freed me is anxious to lurch into another intense involvement. Honestly, nothing could be further from the truth. I can’t afford a new adventure right now, emotionally or otherwise.
Part of me is sorry this is over. Part of me wishes I had listened at the beginning and not become involved. Part of me hopes that a messy aftermath will bring the too-late realization that I was a positive influence, overall. But that would be wishing ill for someone I thought I was helping. At least that’s what I told myself I was doing. Parts of me thought that, anyway. As you can tell from all these parts I’m describing, I’m a little broken up.
And then there is the uncomfortable fact that we are both still “on the scene”, so to speak, inhabiting the same world. When our paths cross in the future, as I’m sure they will, I intend to behave with calm dignity where once I only wanted to elicit shock and awe.
I don’t know what to expect in return.Dr. Babooner, what is the best policy if one’s goal is to get along with one’s exes?
Conflictedly,
Won’t Miss Drama
I told W.M.D. that when it comes to complicated relationships, post-involvement amnesia is a great fence-mending strategy that can work sometimes, but only if the other party also has it. On the negative side, amnesia makes it possible to slide into an identical entanglement in the future. But that’s just one opinion.
What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?
Trail Baboon 
Dear WMD,
It’s about time! I hope you learned something from the experience and have changed your approach to “rescuing” others. Time to stay home, drink tea, and heal the wounds you inficted.
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I hope, WMD, that you have learned a bitter lesson about clumsy, forceful efforts to control the lives of others. What saddens me is how long, after you could tell you had made a terrible mistake, it took you to break things off. I can’t overstate the mischief that has been done historically by men who make a mistake but then aren’t able to pull out before making things worse.
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Good morning to all. WMD, I think you have a personally disorder which is very hard to cure. I don’t believe anything you say. Some how you need to be put in a position where you can no longer do the kind thing you did and continue to do.
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Let’s see – getting along with your ex… Looonnnngggg distance worked for me. You’ve already had long distance in some ways, but maybe the physical separation will promote some healing. Also, time heals all wounds, so you may have to give it, say, a couple of decades and see if relations improve.
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WMD, to be sure that you stay away from the source of your dismay and and stay perminately out of such situations, I think you should have yourself admitted to a locked facility.
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Rise and Shine Baboons!
Dear Hapless WMD:
I’m going to go out on a limb here to advise something I would rarely ever advise as a therapist. However, this little goodie is just for the VERY SPECIAL YOU. I think you should jump from this particular frying pan, directly into the fire of an affair. I even have just the guy for you–Dick Cheney. The original Big Dick. And then there is another swain, Donald Rumsfeld. These two guys could keep you busy and enthralled for years to come. They are guaranteed to keep you distracted from this break up because both of them are somewhat high maintenance and they both have terrible judgement. And at this time they are quite impotent. Not even Viagra will help. But with the 2012 eLection right around the corner they could well be back in the Washington Corridors of power again and drama will be rife once again. You might even get back together again should you take Dr. B’s advice and develop amnesia about your most recent dalliance.
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oh, I have to respectfully disagree, in spite of your professional superiority in this sort of thing. If memory serves, I believe it was Mr. Cheney and Mr Rumsfeld who were very involved in introducing WMD to the relationship just ended. Those sorts always want you to “get back in the saddle” right away, and usually you end up in the same sort of relationship (over and over and over).
I’d have to say the best thing for WMD to do is stay away from the friends that got that relationship started in the first place, they are not really your friends, no matter what they may say.
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They must be our friends. They both say they are patriots! Whatever do you mean?
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WMD, you have to find a balance between overinvolvement and isolation. There is a happy medium, you know, but finding it seems to be a real problem for you if we examine your history. OT, but amusing, in our local paper today there is an article about faces in the news over the past year. On the front page there are photos of Gabrielle Giffords, Steve Jobs and Joe Paterno. The article continues on page three, and for some reason a photo of Michelle Bachmann is positioned right between photos of Gadhafi and Bin Ladin. The way the article is displayed makes it look as though she belongs with those two. It reminds me of the day they printed the engagement announcement for my son and daughter-in-law to be. My DIL is East Indian, and the photo was positioned right next to a Dear Abby header that said “Biracial romance upsets family”. We had a good laugh over that one!
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Glad you could see the humor in that, Renee.
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With our hapless paper, if you don’t laugh you have no alternative but to cry.
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I’m afraid you say the same for a paper we no longer get from our local area.
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Dear WMD,
You don’t seem to learn, do you? I think you need to step back and take a good hard look at your motivation for becoming involved in such relationships in the first place. Be honest; quit trying to justify your actions and make your aggression seem reasonable. You have a “might makes right” attitude that, frankly, is becoming a little tiresome.
You have every reason to feel bad about this. I hope you’ve learned a lesson and that this painful, costly experience has not been a completely in vain. I wish I could say that I’m hopeful, but truth be told, I’m not. You have a lot fences to mend, my friend.
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One more bit… WMD, please examine why it was so important to jump into this relationship that after your first explanations for getting involved were shown to be non-sensical you just fabricated some MORE explanations. I believe it was Queen Gertrude in Hamlet who said “I think the lady doth protest too much.”
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dear wmd
the bastard child of darth vadar who was told to be thankful when actually used as a tool is a tough place to start.
the circumstanes that surround the series of events that brought you into the picture are what they are and the results, feelings and overall kharma left by the page being turned are all for the best. no throwing good money after bad, no crying over spilled milk, up your nose with a rubber hose.
all relationships begin on one basis or another and the end is often the end product of the process. the premise of saving face for the dear departed diverting attention from the object of true focus to put an entire on an agenda created to beat chests of a bunch of good old boys who are proud of knowing big words like swagger and enron has left the others in the room wondering how you are supposed to respond when you have been handed a lemon and are asked to turn it into lemonade.
you will never be loved as you hope and never be as hated as you fear in spite of your ugly habbits of dropping gum wrappers and spitting on the sidewalk in the sneakers that you have made famous in your un bon vivant way.
it reminds me of the story of the time the neighbors cats went unfed for the first 10 days of their two week vacation then when they finally were fed they were so thankful that it never dawned on them that the reason they were hungry for days was because they were forgotten. the ex knows that you are what you are and the best you is still you. every relationship is like marrying into a new dysfunctional family and this one is a hum dinger. don’t send christmas cards, don’t invite me to the 25 year celebration. have a nice life and we will always remember that we will always remember.
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Dear WMD,
A relationship begun based on trumped up information, ill-conceived notions and a strong sense of righteousness is bound to create an ugly break-up. You cannot make the other party into what they are not, and if you haven’t figured that out by now, then I think it is high time you take a break, maybe find yourself a good talk therapist, and grow up. Best that you did not marry this other person figuring you could “change them” after the marriage. Oy is that a recipe for disaster. I hope you have learned from this mistake, can admit the error, and for the sake of all of those around you that you will take some time to reflect and endeavor not to do this ever again. Ever. And if you do, I’m putting you in the Time Out chair for a decade.
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But they said they were Patriots! They would never lie.
Right?
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“To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we must stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.”
Theodore Roosevelt
26th President of the United States
(1858 – 1919)
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And no, they would never lie…of course not. Nope. Not once. That would be wrong.
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Thanks for getting this quote for us, Anna. Having visited Mount Rushmore this summer, I am reminded that Teddy Roosevelt wasn’t half bad!
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Awesome quote. Too bad someone in the press did not dig that out in 2002 when they were paralyzed by accusations that criticism was a left-wing bias!
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Jacque – I think I nabbed it from an op-ed piece about that time. Don’t remember the op-ed, but I do remember thinking “finally, someone who understands that ‘freedom of speech’ means I get to disagree with the party in power – and ‘love of country’ does not mean I have to be in lock step with the president.”
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Dear WMD,
You have come to the right Baboon. I have now more or less successfully maintained a non-hostile co-existence with an ex it is my duty to stay in touch with because we have a mutual investment in the future, even though OUR relationship is over for almost 13 years now.
I would say the first thing to do is take good care of yourself and surround yourself with people who will help you to do that. You’ve been through a lot and it is obvious that taking care of yourself has not been your top priority. Remember that old chestnut, you have to put on your own oxygen mask first. Take stock of your strengths and heal all the parts of you that are wounded. You may not even be aware at this time how deep some of those wounds go.
When you meet up with your ex, maintain a pleasant but professional demeanor. Don’t expect anything of them and you will not be disappointed. Don’t let others drag you into a rehashing of the relationship. What is done is done. Learn from your mistakes and move on.
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WMD,
You’ve been a bully. Your aggressive, uncooperative behavior has gone on too long. Nobody feels sorry for you and nobody is going to develop amnesia very soon. You need to show that you really care for others. If you can find any friends, try doing something for them without obligation, or help someone who has less than you. Some people would like to have just a fraction of your robust strength.
Your paradigm needs to shift. You need to start thinking in terms of the whole instead of what you think you need. You should start working with others toward making the world a safer, cleaner and more sustainable place for everyone to live. In order to do this, you’re going to have forget about all those things you want so badly. You’ll have to remember that as long as some are in need, we are all in need. Start to be a less aggressive and more compassionate universal friend. It will take you a long time but it will be worth it.
…Well it’s too late tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We’re one but we’re not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other…
U2
Good luck, WMD. You need it.
Dr. Babooner
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Get thee to a nunnery
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Umm….you realize, I hope, that a nunnery is not a convent?
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i didnt know that. what is it?
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House of ill-repute (I love this phrase).
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Notice how the closer we get to Christmas, the fewer posts there are? :}
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Perhaps baboons over do it at Christmas? I am having a baking frenzy this weekend.
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Can you share your frenzy recipe?
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My plan is to have prepared, before Wednesday, the following:
Grape jelly
Raspberry jelly
Krumkake
Russian Tea cakes
Bolognese sauce (for lasagne for a work party)
Skibo Castle Crunch (See Epicurious-It is a great cookie)
Spritz
Brussels cookies
Sandbakkels
Peppermint Bark
Stollen
Julekage
Finska Kakor
Almond Caramel tart
Most of the above is white, but Scandanavians seem to like white food.
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Do you plant to sleep at all between now and Wednesday?
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Good point. I think if orchestrate and plan I can manage to work continuously and get everything done. I am taking off work from Dec. 23rd until January 3rd, so I can sleep then. Husband is a great sous chef. I sometimes worry that I have fits of hypomania, but i always manage to get everything done.
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Dang, and I thought I was nuts for maintaining my need to make krumkake and julekage every year…Renee – it’s all you. I will sit with my two baked treats (once I get the julekage done this weekend – krumkake was last Sunday) and be in awe of your frenzy.
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sous chef would be nice, my wife stays out of the kitchen while im whipping stuff up but does tremendous job helping get it back into shape after
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My mother is coming this morning. Flight gets in at 11:30. And despite that fact that as a mother, I can truthfully say I wouldn’t care a whit if fungas were growing on the walls of my child’s house when I visit, my “get-the-house-clean” mania knows no bounds when my mother is about to visit.
Add to that a large menu for Sunday and I’ve been a whirlwind the last few days!
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Yep, I hear you about the motivation provided by visitors, esp. a mother.
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Before my parents came for a visit this Thanksgiving, we washed out all the garbage cans and cleaned everything in sight.
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A slow drifting fall of light crystalline snow back-lit by the sun.
Darjeeling tea steeping in my favorite cup.
Irish music playing.
The whole end of my novel, which has been a tricky question, exploded in my head unbidden two days ago as I was lying in a dark room hiding from light and sound for awhile.
“Why do humans create?” Calvin asks. “Is it their purpose on earth to express themselves, to bring form to thought. And to discover meaning in experience? Or is it just something to do when they are bored?”
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This scene sounds so delicious,Clyde. I know I should stop and do something like it, but I’m now like the energizer bunny (though not as energetic as Renee) and cannot stop till after Christmas. At least that’s how it seems at the moment.
Anyway, congrats on the end of the novel idea.
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Where do those creative ideas come from? No one can be sure or even say if they really are creative ideas. They could all be come from being bored.
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Oops. Bad proof reading again, as usual.
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Or could they come from beng a board? or a broad? or abroad?
Oh, my, I may be slipping toward the edge. Just finished and will take to the post office 45 cards.
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I also finally finished getting out the cards that I do. Not that many, Even a few seem to be a chore for me.
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