The Baboon Congress

The Ho, Aglow

101 Comments

Today’s guest post comes from Beth-Ann.

When my son was in kindergarten he insisted that we needed a lighted lawn decoration for Christmas. He lobbied incessantly and eventually overcame my aesthetic, traditional, and practical objections to planting lighted extruded plastic in front of our house to mark the nativity of the Lord.

On Thanksgiving weekend with coupon in hand we headed off to the late, great Frank’s Nursery and Crafts. The purchase required a lot of negotiation. My son’s vision was much gaudier and even at half price more expensive than mine. Finally we agreed that a hard-bodied light up Santa with a sack would join our family. We took him home, put him on the front steps of our townhouse, and at dusk ran his cord inside and turned him on. Clearly we were the spirit of commercial Christmas incarnate.

My neighbor still recounts with horror that she heard a noise that night and saw Santa rolling around our driveway. It had not occurred to me that all those other light-up Santas, Frostys, and Holy Families with and without animals had been anchored down.

Picture Him In Bungee Bondage

After some research I put together some bungee cords and attached Santa to the porch railing. My son was concerned that little children would be worried that Santa wouldn’t come to visit them since he was tied to our porch.

The oft told tale of my pre-school aged brother referring to St Nicholas’ helper as The Ho-Ho man led us to eventually refer to our light up figure as The Ho as in “Did you remember to plug in the Ho?” During junior high when snarkiness reigned we began to refer to him as Santa in bondage. For a while he had a penguin companion, but The Guin proved not to be as bright as The Ho and was forced into retirement when his light bulb no longer lit.

It won’t surprise you that since my son has left home and The Ho is in my sole custody I am devoted to him. He is tied up every December 1st and I make sure the Ho is aglow most evenings. He is terribly unfashionable and approaching retro at this point and I have to admit we have indeed bonded.

What holiday tradition were you initially reluctant to accept, yet now embrace?

101 thoughts on “The Ho, Aglow”

  1. hi there – thanks, B-A for your cool description of the Ho.
    think i’ve said before that we do “flaming archbishop” for the season. neither of us really like it, but we hold to it anyway. it’s port wine heated with orange peel studded with cloves, brandy added at the last minute and then flamed for a bit (but careful not to burn out all of the alcohol!) pour into a cup and inhale the fumes. uff da. every year i shiver as i try to drink it down (and then another 🙂
    hope you are where you want to be today and this weekend

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    1. do you light it in the glass? i think that sounds pretty good. i may give it a try. i am a big port fan and a little brandy never hurt anything i dont think and heck, an orange with cloves ummmm christmassy

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      1. we light it in the heating pot, tim. i’d be afraid to light it in the glass!
        here’s the whole recipe (from 1978 Cuisine magazine):
        Flaming Archbishop
        peel of 2 oranges (i often use lemon to cut the sweetness of the brandy and port)
        20 cloves (stud the peels with these)
        1 fifth tawny port
        1 pint brandy
        heat the clove-studded orange(lemon) peels with the port in a large (flameproof) saucepan. heat to boiling almost. stir in brandy (at this point can put in a punch bowl if feeling festive). Ignite the mix and let burn 15 seconds.
        (one can get lethally intoxicated quite quickly with this. small servings advised.)

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  2. Wait, a minute there. I’m the Ho-Ho man. When we moved into this building 9 months ago, little Audrey would point at me in my red jacket and say “Ho, HO.” Now I’m “Mr. Ho-Ho” or “Mr. Clyde.” Her mother calls me the Ho Ho man. I have never been so Santa Claused by small children as this year. One of many similar stories: standing in Kohls, wearing my red jacket. I feel a tug at my pants leg below the knee. A Little boy is telling me about a present. Mommy comes up and pulls him half-gently away and tells him they are in a hurry and apologizes to me. I start to explain (how do you explain briefly that her son thinks I’m Santa.) but she looks at me in alarm and rushes off. So from two feet off the ground I’m Santa. From five feet off the ground I’m a pervert.

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    3. from five feet off the ground you are santa too but this is a messed up time with killer shows and stalkers as a part of the landscape the same way gomer pyle used to be. i think all these 20 and 30 something moms and dads are lost in knowing how to teach about humanity and interaction and its all about making sure you dont get abducted. to bad especially at a time like christmas to steal the innocence of the little guys. they believe in the ho ho man and in fact they are correct. here you are . keep the spirits alive clyde. we need you now more than ever

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    4. For those of you who haven’t visited with Clyde in person, he does have a big white beard, round face, and is round around the middle, very much like Santa. Ho, Ho, Ho!

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  3. I had to give one up when I committed to having Husband in my life – my family’s bastardized version of rommegrot (sort of a milk/sweet cream porridge for those wondering what on earth that might be). Sat then Boyfriend down to a big plate of cooked milk on our first Christmas Eve at Mom & Dad’s…and about half way through remembered he was lactose intolerant. Oops. There goes that traditional meal. And then, once we were married and Daughter was in the world, there was discussion about whether or not Santa presents are wrapped – his family wrapped, mine did not. We compromised and left it that anything small enough to actually fit in the stocking remains unwrapped, larger items that do not fit in the stocking get wrapped. Now I look forward to the frantic late night wrapping and carefully written tags from SANTA (all caps to mostly hide my handwriting). This year I also have to assemble a doll house…that one doesn’t get wrapped, just a big bow on the top.

    OT (sort of, but it’s goats, which never seem to be off topic) – frolicking baby goats to Holiday music – had to share:
    http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/b4_EdJ-XkUA?rel=0

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    4. Anna, The clip is from a site called gigglewith the goats.com They sell goat dvd’s. I love this siclaimer from their site:
      Parents, please explain to your children that they should not butt their heads together like the goats. Goats have very thick skulls, human children do not and they will hurt themselves. The producers of “Giggle with the Goats” and the goats, are not responsible for injury or property damage from any human trying to act like a goat

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      1. barb, my 10 year old spent 3 or 4 hours in the goat area of the state fair last year talking with the goat people. i can not for the life of me figure out how to plug goats into your life a little bit. i can not for the life of me figure out how to get her involved in what she is certian is her destiny as a goat woman without commiting way more than is reasonable to the inclusion of goats in our lives. any comments?

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      2. i think there is 4H for city kids, tim – but i think what i’d do is find a goat farm (there are quite a few in Scandia and one in Big Lake) where she could go and volunteer a few hours a week. i’m thinking of Poplar Hill – but i shouldn’t say that would be possible before you talk to them. if i were closer i’d happily take her in to help and learn (as i am learning also). you can join the minnesota dairy goat assn. as a family http://www.minnesotagoats.org/ and maybe find some mentors that way also. let me investigate a little.
        next year she could volunteer at the state fair – tons of things to do there in the goat barn and many, many youngsters doing them – and in 2013 the national show is coming to Austin,MN and there will be lots of jobs there too. but before that, let’s find her a place where she can at least learn what’s involved in sharing one’s life with these wonderful animals! cool that she knows this already.

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  4. I’m lurking this week due to time constraints–the goat clip is wonderful! Thanks Anna. I will never again see a plastic Santa without thinking about a plastic Ho in bondage. teeheeteeheeteeheeteehee….

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  5. because we have been running to florida for christmas the last 10 years or so we are without much tradition. the lights that get strung around the deck at the hotel are something and we end up with a cheezey litte tree and wake up to santas successful navigation to our rent a home for christmas eve. christmas feels different at home. the only logical thing to do is hang out at home and the when you are traveling and there is no home the rules change.

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  6. i say that and then i remember that there is a section of the overhead aboove the garage dedicated to all the seasonal stuff. it starts with halloween when the gravestones come out and then we swithch to thanksgiving (not so much) and then to the finale with all the christmas ornamentation. we have skaters zipping atround on their rinks. mini trees of carious persuasions wreaths and pithy sayings hanging on doors and walls where they don’t at other times of the year i guess the munchkins will have that to carry forth through life with. i think we stopped the january 9th celebration of richard nixons birthday in time to avid leaving scars on the little ones but the older ones remember the black cake with happy birthday tricky dick and how bitter black frosting is. ah we are a tradition laden family after all.

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      4. Watched it here too- clouds were just moving in so it was all pink and orange and making the air pink. (What was that color from a few weeks ago? Heavenly pink?) Now its snowing and windy and while 26 degrees it still doesn’t look inviting out.

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      1. ho, ho ,ho and you’d better watch out and ” At one time most of my friends could hear the bell, but as years passed it fell silent for all of them. Even Sarah found one Christmas that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I’ve grown old the bell still rings for me, as it does for all who truly believe.” and stuff like that

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  7. I suppose my answer is “watching My Wife’s 7 Month Christmas.” I grew up in a grinchy home. My parents were VERY bothered my commercialization of Christmas in 1956 (see yesterday’s blog). So it was a transition. Her true pleasure, reaching the point of rapture by today, is fun to watch My wife is addicted to buying. I am not using that term lightly. We were talking about it; she admits it, as we were standing in line at Target to pay for gifts. I have counted. She has announced 11 times (starting in early November) that she is dome with shopping.
    B-A, is there any tackier lawn ornament than that one?

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  8. I have an ornament made by my aunt Roberta – it’s a poodle head made out of a white satin ball, with the googly eyes and a red felt tongue. I think I’ve had it for about thirty years. It has traditionally had a spot on the back of the tree on a low branch where it won’t show. I will give some thought to how to embrace the poodle in future years – it’s old enough now to have acquired some venerability. My sister has one just like it.

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      1. No, I have never given the poodle a name. Any suggestions? The only poodle I can think of was the one in Best In Show, named Rhapsody In White. Also known as Butch.

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      3. i grew up with a real high tone standard poodle that was a wonderful dog. he was very intelligent a great friend, my first dog , and very epileptic from the inbreeding that comes with purebreds. his pedigreed name was hushabye jacque of the jones manor. we called him otto

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    2. ugly is beautiful in its own way. robertas poodle made the cut. god bless you for keeping her a part of the tradition and now elevating her and god bless her for being the person who makes stuff and shares it with loved ones

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  9. I had never seen electric lights on a Christmas tree until I came here, and was not particularly fond of them. Now I love the convenience of them, and although I still also put real candles on our tree, I would never dream of lighting them. We don’t have a tree this year because Roberta no doubt would climb it. She is a bit like those baby goats, into and on top of everything, including my jade tree.

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      3. i will try the ping pong ball. my 2 cats are 8ish and full of life with wrestling matches with each other and the house mice and flying across the house at wide open throttle to do the riccochet off the couch back into the other room where they lay down as if it never happened. i love watching them.

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    3. Both Hans and I have caught the crud that’s going around and are feeling pretty miserable, so the lighted garland we have hung around the dining room window will have to suffice this year.

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  10. Great stories, everyone! The first Christmases in my married life were difficult. For example, my mother only played one Christmas album–all day long, over and over–during Christmas. While the music was schmaltzy, it WAS Christmas in our home. My new bride had been reared on classical European Christmas music, like the King’s College ceremony, and she dismissed my Christmas album with contempt that stung me more than I have ever told her.

    Meanwhile, I was appalled at her family’s way of opening gifts. In our family, each of us took turns, and the whole family watched with giggly anticipation as each gift was revealed. You have a great chance to enjoy the way your gift to someone was received, and for sure everyone knew which gift came from which person. It was all sweet, polite and like a Hallmark Card. My new wife’s family had the opposite approach. They generally had more people–like a dozen–at Christmas. They all opened everything at once in one great eruption of torn ribbon and shredded paper, a dozen people whooping at the same time. It was like throwing a bleeding pig into waters heavily infested with piranhas, and my dismayed response was ignored as quaint.

    To tell the truth, neither of us “came to embrace” the other’s Christmas traditions completely, although I love those European carols now.

    Merry Christmas, baboons! In many ways, you have been the best part of a year that has occasionally been challenging. My real Christmas comes in February, when Molly and Liam visit.

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    1. nice steve. which album. when i was a kid those firestone albums you got at the gas staton every year were my favorites with andy williams and ann maria albrighetti and perry como
      i like your familys tradtion and i don’t like your wifes simple. i was in a scenerio where there were 12 kids in my girlfriends family and on christmas morning it took hours to open the gifts but that was the fun. why on earth would you hurry through the thoughtful part of the deal? i too have come to love the kings college sound but bing nat and frank along with duke barbara cool ones like john fayhe and butch thompsons christmas album have snuck in over the years but i still love anna maria albrighetti cant find the christmas song but here is a nice replacement
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8_WYgtWwis&feature=endscreen&NR=1

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  11. hey better late than never. i meant to ask earlier but so it goes… send me you snail mail address if you’d like the end of the year review from the schierbeck jones house. come to think of it that may be my tradtion my kids wait to see if i gave them an embarassing review or not. send the address to:
    timjones2020 at gmail.com

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  12. Hi there tim!!

    One reason for my family’s slow way of opening presents was that we really poured our hearts into choosing gifts for each other. Our Christmases were all about family love, not accumulating currently popular stuff. My mom would begin buying Christmas presents at least half a year ahead of the day, and they were chosen with loving knowledge of what would really please the gifted person.

    The album that disgusted my wife was Jackie Gleason’s Christmas album, a strange thing that was an early progenitor of “New Age Music” in the 1950s. Yes, this is the same Jackie Gleason who had the TV show. He was also a band leader whose group played “mood music.”

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      3. Steve, I will have to go back and dig it out or re-register. I have not used it since we moved. Or on this computer. But the webcam is here. After the season, after my son and daughter-in-law go back, I will dig into it.
        I put this on fb earlier: we picked them up at the airport yesterday right about sunset. My son wanted to eat at the Big 10. He and I both had the idea to drive up E. River Road to show her the houses and river, which we did, which means we were not far from you, Steve. At just about your house a flock of thousands of crows started flying over us up the river. Thousands. It was fun. Then we met some of them again on the ground and trees right by the hospitals at the U.

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  14. Good morning to all. I like Christmas, but prefer a more low key approach. Thus, I was not too quick to dress up as Stana for my grandchildren. We found an old Santa suit that was left behind by the family that sold us our house and I decided to try it out in spite of my slightly grinch like approach to Christmas.

    I dressed up as Santa and using a fake voice I was able to fool the grandchildren when they were very young, but I think the younger one is no longer fooled and the Santa act may be coming to an end. One year my fake voice was a little too strange and the younger grand daughter hid from Santa. More recently this grand daughter looked like she knew who was playing Santa, but didn’t say anything apprently wanting keep her discovery secret.

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    1. My now 6 year old grandson has never bought the Santa concept. Even at 3 he would give a reasoned debunking of Santa, which never kept him from playing the game for the sake of the presents. This is only one way he is so much a copy of our son.

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    2. We go to a favorite local family-owned restaurant on the evening that Santa visits there. It seems a little less scary if Santa is someplace familiar, though Daughter has continued to be a little unsure about meeting The Man in person. A favorite memory was from when she was about four and decided the best course of action was to hide under the table while he visited with her – she would talk to him and answer his questions, but only from under the table. She sat on my lap for the photo with Santa, but on the knee furthest from the Man in Red.

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    3. Several years ago Santa scared my daughter at a family gathering. So she’s always been pretty cautious about him.
      Two years ago, Christmas concerts at the college. Daughter is up in the booth with me. Normally Santa gets his mic and hangs out in the booth with me before his entrance onstage. So I warned daughter about ‘the man dressed as Santa’ and he was a nice guy. And warned Santa about daughter.
      Daughter is watching, Santa has come in and is just standing in the back. Daughter eventually notices he’s back there… slowly sinks off her chair and sits quietly crying on the floor. Santa felt terrible of course. It’s funny now.

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  15. For years I gave up opening presents on Christmas Eve and opened them on Christmas Day, my husband’s family tradition. Since our daughter learned that there was no Santa when she was 5, we have been opening them on Christmas Eve. Husband seems ok with it. Daughter had the chicken pox at Halloween when she was 5, and for some strange reason, asked me, as I was giving her an oatmeal bath to soothe the itching, whether or not there was a Santa. I told her the truth, and then she proceeded to check out the reality of the tooth fairy and all the other characters. She was somewhat surprised to find out that her brother was the Easter Bunny.

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    2. My daughter was in fifth grade when she Found Out about Santa. It was funny how it happened. In fifth grade she began to encounter friends who knew the truth about Santa, but most of her buddies still believed. They had a conference, agreeing that Molly had a dad who could be relied upon to tell the truth. So this group of girls sent Molly to interview me! It was oddly flattering.

      Just before that happened, the Pioneer Press Dispatch printed a huge color photo across the first page, a photo of Santa in his sleigh up in the sky with the team of reindeer pulling him. The reindeer in front had a red nose. Molly studied the photo like a CSI scientist, deciding at last it probed Santa was real. “And to think,” she said, “I wasn’t sure that Rudolph was real!”

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      1. my daughter was priceless this year. she wants an i phone. i told her money was tight and i didn’t think wed be able to pull it off. and she very beligerantly told me that it didn’t matter what our situation was she would ask santa. i told her santa didn’t pony up on stuff like that and she went through a semi severe depression. her firend had a birthday a week or two ago and got the i phone and my daughter annouced that she wasn’t getting her because her family doesn’t have the money and santa doesn’t do the big stuff. its nice that she still believes. she is getting an i phone by the way. santa pulled through when dad couldn’t.

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  16. To switch things up a bit, I think that everyone in my immediate familial circle has had to adapt to my curmudgeonly grinchiness around this time of year and my increased levels of grousiness and teasing. For years, my folks would video tape gift exchange/opening in the hopes of sharing the experience. These attempts were consistently foiled by my snarky comments and a complete lack of editing, both on my part and from the technological sides.

    But, I mean, come on! My Mother is opening a gift from my sister-in-law. And as Mom is opening it, there is this dramatic build-up. “She tells me that she worked on this -all year!- And she did it all by herself. By hand! She said that she spent SO much time on this…I can’t wait to see what it is…” And as the fairly sizeable box is opened, my Mom’s face hits that instant of frozeness where she realizes the grand crescendo is a sinking souffle. And she holds up a crocheted pot holder. One. And I burst out into raucous laughter and shout, “Well, I think I know what you’re getting ~next~ year!” (By the way, this is the same sister-in-law that sent me a birthday gift of 3 sheets of ‘personalized stationary’ with my name, address, etc. printed out from her dot matrix printer, that I was supposed to use for ‘sending out resumes and cover letters.’ Of course, to fit it into the card she got, she had to fold it into quarters…)

    I hope everyone enjoys their holiday season in whatever fashion they choose. And my family has come to the conclusion that I’m just fishing for attention. Actually, without attention to myself good or bad, I would actually prefer that the whole ‘holiday kerfuffle’ just not happen.

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    2. Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville – did not. The Grinch hated Christmas – the whole Christmas season. Now, please don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his head wasn’t screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all… may have been that his heart was two sizes too small. But, whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood there on Christmas Eve hating the Whos. Staring down from his cave, with a sour grinchy frown, at the warm, lighted windows below in their town. For he knew that every Who down in Whoville beneath was busy now, hanging a holly who wreath.
      Time for bigger shoes perhaps?

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      1. i think dr suess may have written his previous works to lay hte groundwork so that we could all celebrate dr suess’ greatest work. i love him and all his work but this work is not good it is as close to perfect as we get on this planet.i love the grinch

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    3. i have a former partner who i was tempte to send coal in a stocking this year. actually we are still partners because his buyout offer was so low. i think i would put your sidterin law in the same boat.

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  17. We will see if I started a tradition. My doctor suggested I try a gluten-Free diet, which I did on 11/8. Just lately, not sure, there is a reduction in pain. Or maybe it’s from another change. All yet to see. But I made a GF fruit cake, which is not bad. But we will see if GF is a tradition, which I am not sure I would wan it to to be.

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  18. i know for absolute and positive that i need a gluten free diet to stop hurting after i eat and i am fighting it all the way. i love taste and gluten free just aint there. i am learning how to make food choices that are less toxic and i will continue to grow in the gluten free leaning but man what a sacrifice. good luck with that. luckily i don’t crave sweety stuff so that whole side of the equation is moot.
    off to get supplies for the big day. i will check back

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      2. People who do not test positive for celiac disease can sometimes get good results from eating grains that are not gluten-free, but have a better balance of omega 3 and 6 fatty acids. The most commonly grown wheat varieties, such as durum and hard red winter wheat, tend to be high in omega 6’s and low in omega 3’s. Mixing in some different grains such as spelt flour and flaxseed meal can better balance omegas, as can supplementing with fish oil or flaxseed oil capsules, and this may help alleviate autoimmune and arthritic conditions.

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  19. No time to read till later, but my sister and I are in stitches as we read your story, Beth-Ann. Happy Friday of Fridays, everyone!

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  20. Greetings, baboons!

    I’ve had precious little time lately and it just got shorter. I’d love to read all your posts. It will have to wait until I have a little time – probably Monday.

    I mourn the loss of some of our family’s traditions. We used to have oyster stew and open gifts on Christmas Eve. We opened gifts just like Steve’s family did. It took awhile but the fun lasted that way and the gifts seemed all the more precious.

    I tried to keep the oyster stew tradition but my sisters-in-law don’t like it and insist on fixing huge meals. (We always had a big Christmas dinner on Christmas Day, but now we don’t even stay together for Christmas Day.) My brothers don’t seem to value the oyster stew tradition anymore and my Mom thinks it’s unhealthy because there’s half & half in it. So… I’ll get myself a half-pint of oysters one of these days and just have it myself. I might just try that port and brandy thing too!

    I hope all of you are well and happy. The holiday season can be stressful and I’m counting my blessings today. I’m grateful for all of you. I’ll be back in a few days. Happy Winter Solstice, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Boxing Day, Happy Kwanzaa everybody!

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  21. I’m with Krista – I miss the oyster stew on Christmas Eve most years. This year though, since my sis is here, we’re going to do it, let the naysayers have canned clam chowder.

    I had to learn to incorporate Husband’s large family gathering into the mix, which I was more than ready to do. (I remembered both my folks’ big gatherings whenever we were able to travel to their parents’ for Christmas.) I think it was actually one of the things that attracted me to him. If I had known everything that was in store with this family, I might have been more cautious.

    Those of us who still gather do have a good time, though. We do one of those random present games, with often hilarious results. And they are some of the people who’ve loved Joel best, so there is some comfort in being with them at holiday time.

    Have a great holiday, everyone – till we meet again!

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  22. Oyster stew on Christmas Eve is also a tradition in my family. My dad remembers when they could get a gallon of fresh oysters at the grocery store for a quarter (this was probably in 1928). He still makes oyster stew at the request of local groups in his town. He becomes highly professional and fussy when he is in a commercial kitchen and cooks oyster stew in quantity. The guys at the Veteran’s nursing home and the Masonic Lodge really look forward to it. It is hard to come by fresh oysters out where we live. As of this evening I have prepared everything on my Wednesday deadline cooking list except Spritz and Julekage. I think I can do those tomorrow. All our snow has melted, so we will have a brown Christmas. We are having ham with dulce de leche glaze for Christmas dinner, along with various vegetables, mashed potatoes, and Lemon Curd cheesecake.

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    1. I’m planning to do the spritz tomorrow too. Making jam tonight. I am going to try out the Robostir in the jam and see how he does with it.

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  24. today we do my wifes family tradition of fondue on christmas eve. beef and shrimp for the group. veggies and tempuru stuff for me, cheese fondue is everyones favorite and chocolate for a little decadance. 4 pots or 3 pots and a fry baby. we will see
    my first christmas with her family they did the fondue with two pots so i could have one not contaminated with the meat. i think i got 2 mushrooms before her dad forgot and put beef in the veggie pot. he was very disappointed that i wouldn’t just eat it anyway. fondue hasn’t come up again in family gatherings but i do love an evening of cheese fondue and a bottle of wine

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