Uncategorized

The Silent Treatment

63 Comments

An anguished dispatch came in late last night from perennial Sophomore Bubby Spamden, still swimming upstream at Wendell Wilkie High School.

Hey Mr. C.,

Boy am I confused!

I have a paper that’s due today in World History and I don’t think I’m going to get it done, all because of two mean girls named SOPA and PIPA. I don’t know who they are, but they’re so upsetting they’ve shut down the whole Internet, almost. Everywhere I look, it says the website is “closed in protest of SOPA and PIPA”. Geez, what did they do? The shut down even includes Wikipedia, which is, like the storehouse of everything that would be in my brain if I studied and was able to remember the tiniest details of things I don’t care about at all.

All I know is that when I look for Wikipedia information on the Barbary Pirates, I can only get it in Portuguese.

Piratas da Barbária, Piratas da Berbéria, piratas barbarescos, piratas berberescos, piratas berberes ou corsários otomanos, foi a designação dada aos piratas que até meados do século XIX operaram no Mediterrâneo ocidental e no Oceano Atlântico nordeste a partir de portos sitos na costa da Berbéria, ou seja na região litoral do Norte de África correspondente hoje às costas da Argélia, da Tunísia, da Líbia e a alguns portos de Marrocos.

I don’t have a problem with that personally, ‘cause it makes as much sense to me as the English version. But I can’t just cut and paste it and hand it in as my report because that would be wrong. To be ethical you have to go in and change a bunch of words around so you can legitimately pretend the writing is really yours. How can I do that if I don’t know what the words mean? I tried that and then ran it through a translating website and all I got back was useless hash.

Pirates of the occidental person, Pirates middle of the Berbéria, pirates, pirates, berberes or Ottoman privateers, were the assignment given to the pirates who Barbarism of century XIX had even operated in leaving the Mediterranean and the corresponding ports Atlantic pirates of the barbarescos ports sitos in the coast of the Berbéria, that is in the coast of the North of Africa to the coasts of Algeria, Tunisia, the Lybian and to some of Morocco region.

Even I can see that doesn’t make any sense. Mr. Boozenporn is bound to figure it out. This is horrible and I’m going to get an F in World History all because of SOPA and PIPA. They are really messing up my head, which is something that is already being done by KATIE and ASHLEY and GLORIA! GLORIA especially, who I thought kinda liked me but lately she’s been hanging out with this guy CHRIS, who is, like, a super basketball player. Yesterday I went up to her at her locker and she said she couldn’t talk – she was going to go watch CHRIS practice. So I’ll show her – I’m usually nice to her and all chatty but I’ve decided I’m not going to talk to GLORIA at all today.
When she realizes how rotten it is when I’m all silent, she’ll realize CHRIS is a moron and she’ll tell me she loves me.

That’s what I’m counting on, anyway. That, and that Mr. Boozenporn can’t read Portuguese.

Seu Amigo,
Bubby

I told Bubby it is always a risky choice to withdraw with the expectation that certain people will miss you and will wait and wish for your return. The world is a busting crossroads and once you go out the door there are plenty of others conveniently nearby who are just as fascinating as you. Ignoring a person does not make you more attractive. If you want GLORIA to notice you, turn towards her, not away. For that matter, SOPA and PIPA might be worth your attention too.

How do you feel about the silent treatment?

63 thoughts on “The Silent Treatment”

  2. I’m surely foolish to do so, but I’ll answer this one seriously. I regard the silent treatment as a nasty tactic, not much short of being abusive. The treatment is often applied to children who have aroused their parents’ ire. That’s just wrong. The idea conveyed by the silent treatment is that the person being punished has done something so disgusting as to place him or herself outside the community of valued people. It suggests that the child is not worthy of the basic respect of being dealt with as a human being. Even if your conversation with someone is harsh and critical, you are according them the minimal respect of caring about them enough to pressure them to behave better.

    Note: I don’t equate sending a child to a corner of his room as “the silent treatment.” That is less essentially dismissive than just refusing to talk to the child. The icy silence of the silent treatment is truly unkind and insulting.

    I think every child should know that he or she is loved and valued, even when they have made a mess of things. Corrections should carry the implied message: “I might hate what you just did, but I love you. I love you too much to let you pull sh*t like this. I need to correct and discipline you, but you are not being banished from the circle of love in this family.”

    Like

    Reply

    1. Totally agree Steve. A “time out” is a time to pause and think about behavior, not a dismissal. I have no tolerance for the silent treatment. Husband got essentially the silent treatment from his mother for 2 years…as a grown up (he was the grown-up and she was definitely not). Whenever he would reach out in some way – phone, letter, etc – he was told that he was supposed to “know” what he had done wrong (um, clearly not since he was asking what he had done) and get rebuffed. I don’t think he ever did figure out what the slight was, but eventually just realized he had done his best to make amends and he just needed to wait and see if she would grow up and get over it.

      Like

      Reply

      1. A childhood memory unfortunately seared into my brain still haunts me when it appears. My family was about to leave our annual fishing vacation in Park Rapids when one of my brother’s friends approached me with a “going-away gift” for him: a piece of bubble gum.
        I immediately popped it into my mouth and within minutes, this kid found my brother and asked me if I’d turned over the gum. What ensued from here was, in my child’s brain, a horrifying half hour chase through the woods. I managed to duck & hide & gradually make it back to the cabin. I told my mother why I was hysterical and her response was
        the predictable, “How could you do such a horrible thing?!!”

        She wouldn’t speak to me for the entire eight-hour trip home, but she turned around
        several times and glared at me with an expression of utter disgust. Eight hours of
        silence and shaming for a piece of bubble gum.

        Like

        Reply

  3. Good morning to all. I think it is a good idea to be silent some times. That can keep you from getting into trouble. Refusing to talk is another thing. I had a nieghbor who I gave the silent treartment, but there really wasn’t any way of getting along with that nieghbor. Other than that, I don’t think it is usually a good idea to give any one the silent treatment. However, I don’t mind the way it is being used by Wikipedia and others today to show that they are apposed to the laws that are being proposed to limit access to the internet. I thought it was good when it was reported that a large group of protesters remained intentionally completely silent as a university offical that had been unfair them left a buiding where they were demonstrating.

    Like

    Reply

  4. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    Anyone stick their nose outside yet? -5 this a.m. here. This warrants the silent treatment!

    As a young child I was a pouter, lip fully extended and a glare in place. If that did not work i would pack all my valuables in a red suitcase (Howdy Doody records, a doll, and my fur muff from Grandpa) and run away. Then I would go to the park until I got bored, then go home. It was my own time out, I guess. Then one time I walked too far and got lost. That was the end of running away. Like the silent treatment, it just does not work that well. However, if any one of the Republican candidates, but especially Newt, would like to pout and be silent for awhile, I would be so grateful.

    Like

    Reply

  5. I think the silent treatment is cruel. I also find it maddening when someone is upset about something, makes it clear with non-verbal behavior that something is bothering them, but denies that anything is wrong when you ask them. I had a friend who did this to me. She eventually cut off all contact with me. I still don’t know what I did to make her upset.

    Like

    Reply

    1. I’ve lived with silence from both sets of neighbors ever since the 2008 presidential campaign. I may just be the only liberal in Orono, so putting up a 4X6′ Obama sign
      made me a marked woman in this old money 1% club!

      Like

      Reply

      3. I had my Obama & Franken signs stolen five times. Ultimately, I devised a plan to sleep behind a fence with my camera to catch the vandals. I was outraged that anyone would repeatedly come onto my property and steal my yard signs (I persisted with three more very large ones). When my sons learned of my plan to surprise the vandals, they offered to install surveillance equipment but by that time the campaign season was closing out. The last big sign was nailed onto my fence a dozen times, but “they” still ripped it off!

        Like

        Reply

      4. You all won’t hold it against me will you if I admit we had a Ross Perot yard sign way back when?
        But we’re on a dead end road and only my one neighbor saw it. And they never commented on it.

        Like

        Reply

      5. I have to admit that I was all about Ross Perot back then, too, Ben…
        Babooners will have to banish us both if they have an issue with it (Although, somehow, I don’t think it will come to that. They’re a forgiving bunch). 😉

        Like

        Reply

      6. I think most Babooners would like to think we’re a little politically tolerant, as long as you aren’t a fan of MB. 🙂

        Like

        Reply

  6. if i’m extremely angry at someone, i prefer to keep quiet lest i say something hurtful that i couldn’t take back. but i’ll upfront say that i can’t talk right now and will do so when i calm down. as many of you have said, the complete silent treatment is mean and immature – and passive/aggressive, i would argue. the person wants the attention of someone trying to guess what went wrong and begging for forgiveness. not a nice thing to do to loved ones (or anyone).
    good, cold morning to you All. jackets on Kona and Lassi (the wusses who shiver) and everyone else is fine – even Juju! her coat is amazingly thick. wish mine were 🙂

    Like

    Reply

      1. who says they don’t, PJ? 🙂 well, chew, anyway. the warmth they get is not so much from the jacket but the activity of trying to get it off again – i only leave them alone with the jackets on for about an hour. by then everything is around their necks and they are warm. 🙂

        OT also – about 25 Red Polls at the thistle feeder.

        Like

        Reply

  7. my big news is my mom got the all clear on her cancer. thanks for the prayers and wishes. they are appreciated. the stuff they look for when concerned about if the cancer advanced to the lymph node simply was not there so there is a big sigh of relief and appreciation around my house today. what the current book about how life became different after the diagnosis? i havnt red it but i understand the premise this week very clearly. wrap you arms around life today. embrace it.

    i have a silent treatment issue going on right now where my sister is in town to look after my mom and i have pretty much written her off. she is frustrated dislexic person who has tamtrums and episodes where she flies off the handle and does things that are irreversable and hurtful. she screwed up a vacation we had a couple years ago with terrible vindictive stuff and messed with most of my kids one time or another. i have after her most recent facebook rant concerning me and my family decided to write her off. i keep forgiving her and she keeps making me question why i bother trying. she has no friends on the planet because of the hurtful things she says and does that can never be taken back or forgiven. she found a guy to marry and i was honestly surprised to see she could do it. it turns out her husband is as toxic as she is and they are coexisting in a nightmare life. i went in to the hospital to see my mom on sunday night because i found out she would be going home with the toxic sister who flew into town to look after here, and lo and behold there was the toxic sister. she tucked tail and ran. came over and gave me one big hug as a white flag i guess and then went and hid with her back to me around corners until i left. i would like not to have this going on but how many times do you get bit before you stop putting your hand in the cage?

    Like

    Reply

    2. Wonderful new tim!!!

      Limiting discourse with an unstable adult is not what is generally meant by “giving the silent treatment.” It is smart to keep conversations with terribly difficult people to a minimum.

      Like

      Reply

    4. Glad to hear your Mom’s good news, tim. Sibling relationships can sometimes be very difficult, your’s sounds exceptionally so. Have no advise, really, you seem like a guy who can take care of himself.

      Like

      Reply

    6. Joining in on the big collective sigh of relief, tim ::sigh::
      I think the intent behind the silent treatment is what matters. If the goal is to punish, I can’t support the negative energy behind that. Sometimes the silence is for self-preservation (as in the silence I’ve created with a toxic sibling) or simply to make a point (as in today’s internet blackout). I don’t see anything wrong with that.

      Like

      Reply

  8. Morning–

    I have learned, after being married for almost 22 years, that I don’t *always* have to have an answer. In fact, sometimes the questions being asked are just a way of putting the information out there and they are not, in fact, looking for responses.
    But that’s different than ‘silence’.
    Steve, I completely agree on explaining ‘we love you, just not what you did’.

    Meetings all day for me. Carry on.
    Crystalbay, don’t think too hard, just write.
    And if any of you didn’t see Steve’s tips to the MOTB at the end of yesterday’s note go back and read them.

    Like

    Reply

    1. my answers are always of the moment. i am reminded often of answers that i am contradicting today. i realize that means taking none of what i have to offe too seriously but if you havent figured that out yet you are a little slow.

      Like

      Reply

  9. Silence can be good, but the Silent Treatment is not good. I know there have been times, raising my kids, when I’ve had to not say anything for fear that I would say something more wounding than saying nothing – but I never gave them the Silent Treatment (hours or days of refusing to speak to them).

    I can remember one time, as an adult, when I was on the receiving end of the Silent Treatment. While it was not fun, it came after i confronted this person with something and he then wouldn’t talk to me for 5 days. I felt I had said everything I wanted to say, and if he wanted to get in a huff about it, fine – it just showed how sick he was. It honestly felt better than his usual way of communicating – saying what i wanted to hear and then continuing doing the same things that caused the conflict in the first place.

    Like

    Reply

  10. I’ve been the recipient of the silent treatment from two old friends for a long time now – several years. The situations are not related and I understand the cause of both. It doesn’t make the pain any less and it doesn’t heal the wounds and allow good friendships to evolve and grow. It has been devastating for me to lose these two people who mean so much to me in this awful way. It breaks my heart.

    I don’t think it’s a good way to deal with things. There are two sides to every issue and it makes it seem as though the person who has apparently done something wrong is not worthy of giving their reasons for whatever it is that has happened. It could have been a simple misunderstanding and a conversation would clear the air. Using the silent treatment on someone else is an attempt to take the upper hand in a relationship. It is disrespectful and hurtful.

    Like

    Reply

  11. There are now 3 of Husband’s siblings from whom we get the silent treatment. We tried for several times, and then, as tim noted, we’ve finally written them off. In one case we also lost the nieces and nephews, but in another case not. It’s still sad.

    I remember at the end of The Clan of the Cave Bear, Alya was ostracized from the clan, I can’t remember now why. They simply ignored her, completely – walked by her or looked right through her as if she were not there. She ultimately had to leave. I can’t think of any way our fragile human egos could survive that.

    Like

    Reply

  12. There are times when there is no other option than the silent treatment… but I think you owe the person an explanation (“silent treatment with an explanation”… how’s that for an oxymoron?). In the case of my toxic sibling, I had a phone conversation with him as to why I was no longer able to communicate with him. I explained my issues and why it was not healthy for me. He listened and, hopefully, realizes I’m not trying to hurt him… I just can’t be sucked into the negative dynamic any longer. I think simply shutting someone out with unexplained silence is cruel.

    Like

    Reply

  13. To my mind there’s a huge difference between “the silent treatment” and “silence.” The former is an aggressive, very unpleasant display of anger and resentment; the latter a comfortable being quiet. Husband and I enjoy long periods of no talking, just quietly being together, each reading a book. Don’t know that I would classify the year(s) long silences described above as “the silent treatment.” Sometimes relationships just die. I haven’t spoken to my ex in probably close to 30 years. Have no need or desire to, but if I were to run into him unexpectedly somewhere, I know we’d talk. We don’t live that far from each other, but apparently we don’t travel in the same circles, so the accidental meeting hasn’t happened, and I’m pretty sure neither of us has a desire for a planned meeting.

    Like

    Reply

    1. I’d be incredibly relieved to not share “space” with my ex. He’s my three children’s step dad and contributed a lot to them growing up. Out of both guilt and gratitude, they’ve
      always included him in family holidays each of the eight years since I divorced him. Since we have a really small family, there’s no escaping his presence for me. I wonder how other divorced people would feel if their ex was present at every family function? For me, it’s unadulterated aversion, a sad footnote to a history I’d much prefer to not be reminded of ongoingly.

      Like

      Reply

      1. Speaking only for self, I would not feel very happy. Distance (2000 miles-type) is what saved my friendship with my Ex.

        Like

        Reply

      2. Cb, I don’t have children, and frankly, when I got divorced, was very glad of that. Had too much anger to deal with at the time. I can imagine how difficult it would be to deal with, trying to maintain a civil relationship with someone you have no desire to ever see again. I have never understood people who marry and divorce, and then claim to be each other’s best friend. Just doesn’t make sense to me. BUT, there’s probably a lesson in there somewhere!

        Like

        Reply

  14. I wouldn’t recommend using the silent treatment. However, there are cases where it might come close to being the right option. There are people who have a personality disorder which makes very difficult to deal with. They tend to hide their personality flaw so that you think they are okay until they decide to be mean. In the end they always become very dificult and do harmful things. While I generally like and trust most people there are a few that have this disorder that should be avoided.

    Like

    Reply

    1. Sounds like you’re referring to “Borderline Personality Disorder”? Glenn Close in Fatal
      Attraction portrayed a woman with this disorder. They tend to either idolize you or, if you don’t cooperate, trash you. One BPD in a neighborhood, job, family, etc. can create untold chaos & drama. Very scary.

      Like

      Reply

  15. Hi all — greetings from a place about 70 degrees warmer than where most of you are. Uneventful flight and lovely property. Client arrives in morning.

    I am currently receiving the silent treatment from one of my sisters. I probably deserve it – I used some harsh words earlier last year when my mother had some surgery and the local sibs didn’t step up to the plate in a fasion I deemed appropriate. I do have to say that I haven’t done anything yet to bridge the chasm – maybe I’ll do better in 2012!

    Like

    Reply

  16. I don’t have a lot to say on the subject, but felt I should say something so my silence will not be interpreted as churlishness.

    I can’t really think of silence as a hurtful thing. If someone won’t speak to you, that’s only a part of it. The worst is the part where they won’t listen to you.

    Like

    Reply

    2. You said it. And that is part of the reason I rarely talk to at least two people in my life. I’m not talking about the not-being-able-to-get-a-word-in-edgewise kind of not-listening – but you say things and it makes absolutely no impression on them. It’s like rain hitting a roof rather than the soft ground – the roof stays the same while the raindrops roll off, but the ground is nurtured by the rain sinking into it. These people are either so opinionated that their opinion is the only one that matters or so full of themselves that nobody else can say anything that sinks in.

      Like

      Reply

      1. The ground is nurtured by the rain unless it’s frozen. If it’s frozen, then the rain runs into the basement. Oh, bother – I don’t know what the basement signifies in this metaphor.

        Like

        Reply

  17. To my mind, this discussion has been plagued with a central confusion. We are talking about two things as if they were one.

    Of course, whenever we find ourselves in a relationship with a difficult, unpleasant person we are apt to learn that it doesn’t work to talk things through. Some people are just unreasonable. Some people are spiteful and negative. We learn over time that it doesn’t always work to try to improve things with such people, and then the smartest thing to do is to minimize contact with them. That’s just common sense, but it isn’t giving someone “the silent treatment.”

    Giving someone “the silent treatment” happens when people are involved in a deeply intimate relationship (spouse/spouse; mother/child; best friend/best friend) that hits a snag. If someone responds by refusing to speak at all to the other, that is what is meant by “the silent treatment.” And it is cruel. When people are intimately involved they have the right to expect that difficulties will be addressed with respect and talked out. To punish the other person by freezing them out with silence is a nasty, non-productive way of responding to a difficulty in a relationship.

    Like

    Reply

  18. Let me qualify my rather sweeping last statement. I was wrong to say that “it is cruel” to use the silent treatment in an intimate relationship. I was making the assumption there that we would naturally, in an intimate relationship, want to salvage it and repair any damage. But some intimate relationships (I am reminded, by a friend) include mentally unbalanced people, and that would be particularly true about familial relationships. If your brother or father is mentally ill and hostile, it only makes sense to use the silent treatment of them as one of the few weapons you have for your defense.

    Like

    Reply

  19. my dads expression which i cherish and get to smile at regularly is appripou is situations along these lines:
    f**k em feed em fish
    he said this is a translation form norweigen or swedish but pj it could be danish couldnt it?

    Like

    Reply

Leave a reply to Krista in Waterville Cancel reply