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Called To Service

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Today’s guest post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, Produce Manager at Genway, the Supermarket for genetically engineered foods!

I do love it when people who work in a lab finally get some small portion of the adulation they deserve. For me, the key has always been my beautiful animal-vegetable hybrids – the celery-snake and the pumpkin that screams like a hyena. Others scientific attention-seekers less creative than I are left with the more difficult task of making progress against major diseases. That’s hard work, and the visible successes are rare.

But every now and then something comes along that feels like a true step forward – when a malady that was not fully understood quite suddenly becomes less mysterious. The latest news about how Alzheimer’s spreads is just that sort of thing – a landmark discovery. Now we know that Alzheimer’s Disease moves from brain cell to brain cell in synch with a malfunctioning protein called tau. The next steps are obvious. We know where the disease starts and how it travels. It should be a relatively simple matter to wait along the path, throw a sack over its head, smack it a good one, drag it to the car and throw it in the trunk.

Then we can drive Alzheimer’s far out into the countryside and push it into a roadside ditch, with a stern warning not to come near us again!

OK, that may not be practical. But what we need is something that works like the Endangered Species Act in reverse. A deadly illness extinct-ifying process. I’m not sure exactly how that would work, but I know it takes a special talent to take a thing that is already in the world and completely lose it. Usually a little residue always remains. And yet there are so many bad things that need to go away.

That’s why I, Dr. Larry Kyle, would like to offer myself to the next president as the first manager of a new government agency – the Department of Oblivion. At D.O.O., we would be all about thoroughly misplacing things. As Department of Oblivion Manager, I would have the coolest acronym in all government service! Under my direction, the Department would so completely lose track of Alzheimer’s it would be gone from human memory inside a year. Same with most of the cancers, all of the vascular problems, lung disease, tapeworms and mange.

Yes, I am a scientist and a capitalist at heart, but I would change my focus and join government service in this noble cause! But only to lead the Department of Oblivion, because keeping inadequate or non-existent records would be central to our mission, and not doing paperwork is one of the things I do best!

Take me seriously, Mr. President-to-be. Choose me to be your D.O.O.M.!

Like many in the private sector, Dr. Kyle overestimates how effective he would be as the head of a public entity. But you have to admire his enthusiasm.

If you ran a government agency (real or imagined), which one would it be?

128 thoughts on “Called To Service”

  1. It would have to be a Federal agency, because the current legislature would be unwilling to confirm me since I have been known to demonize fossil fueld along with other transgressions.

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    1. dayton could hire you to head a department rather than nominate you for approval. amybe you could be the validator overseeing multiple investigative techniques this couold be useful at gop functions where vomit would be handy.

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  2. the director of interesting new knowledge would be a role i would be good at. i think i could find good partners who would enjoy researching the interesting things we could discover together. i spent my youth doing a lot of doinking and i feel my expertise in this area is something i would be capable of passing on in some meaningful way.

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  3. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    I would like to be the Secretary of Marching Bands. As a Marching Band alumnae, both college and high school, I can keep people in order, march them around to a cadence, and yell orders. And I think the Secretary of Marching Bands would get a distinctive uniform with a really high hat which seems cool to me.

    It always seems to me that we can use more John Philip Sousa during an election year.

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    1. Maybe you could work with my husband. He wants to be in charge of the Department of harmonica science: Basic and applied research.

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  4. In the Department of Justice, a new division headed by me, with a small but elite under-staff of Babooners: The Department of Just Rewards. I can only assume we would have autocratic powers.

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    2. can we start with dick cheney? dubya? newt in a month or two? can we reintroduce the golden fleece award on a monthly basis? so many deserving candidates so little time.

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    3. I have spun off several ideas here, but am afraid to high-jack an excellent blog topic. So we should request that Dale make a blog of Just Rewards and Just Deserts.

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      2. I would definitely want to help in the Just Desserts Department. (not so much the Just Deserts Dept.). Not only do I enjoy making Desserts, but I like eating them. So maybe I could be Official Taste-Tester of the Department of Just Desserts.

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      5. Meting out justice with all day snacks — sounds enticing! You’re sure to have a long waiting list of job applicants. I want Edith’s job.

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        1. FASCINATING! Words are so great. Clyde had it right in the first place and i just thought I was soooo smart. :-p
          I found this in my dictionary after reading clyde’s snopes article. The definition is “1. the quality or fact of being deserving of reward or punishment 2 deserved reward or punishment” The derivation is from Old French past particple “desert” of deservir – to deserve. So the pronunciation, though not following our laughable English rules, can be remembered because the emphasis is like its source; desert = deserve.

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  5. i want to be in charge of school lunches. You can bet those kids will be eating like they have never eaten before! I would be pretty draconian with soda pop companies, chip makers, and makers of food additives, and our children would become long, lean, and healthy.

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      1. Well, of course I would wear a hair net! Everyone in the department would. I think we would drink soup out of mugs. Far less spilling that way.

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      4. My favorite request from a church bulletin up north- “If you have any soup bones please bring them to the cafeteria so we can serve soup more often for the students.”

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      1. i think it would be good to grade lunch like everything else we do. we monitor their handwriting their spelling their citizenship but no one monitors what they eat. put some stuff in the cafeteria and watch them not put it on theri plate and or not eat it. i have joined my daughters at school lunch form time to time and the food offerings are marginal but what gets into peoples mouths is pathetic. my 10 year old was whining about the chunks in her spaghetti sauce the other night. chunks of tomato in the tomato sauce. geeze i didnt think to puree it in fornt of her so she could see what tomato sauce is made of. the kids get pizza and or really poor peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as a staple. if they choose salad the lettuce is iceberg and the toppings are big enough to choke a horse, califlower the size of your fist and broccoli you have to cut in 12 to fit in your mouth. 2 quarts of ranch and a saltine cracker with chocolate milk. all american.
        help us renee

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      2. One of my ideas would be to have each community vote on which grandparent or older, retired adult is the best cook in each school district, and put them in charge of menus. These grandmas and grandpas would know what foods are the best, and would also know how to make nutritious food fun.

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      3. i guess the point is that good food costs money, and if we put our money into good food, we wouldn’t have to put near as much into health care in the long run.

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      7. One of my girls’ friends once brought a dog biscuit in her lunch. It might have been a joke, but I think my daughter said she really liked them. Regardless, the lunch lady came down hard on that poor girl — threw her lunch in the trash and sent her to the principal’s office! Is that harsh or what? Will you please be sure to put the lunch ladies through a psych evaluation before hiring? Maybe that should be a Constitutional amendment???

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      8. I used to babysit for a pediatrician’s kids. His two year old daughter liked snacking on dog biscuits. In his estimation they were healthier for her than most of the human snacks he could think of as they had no salt or sugar in them.

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    3. Yes, PJ, my thought exactly. A bit unorthodox, but healthier than oreos for sure. And kind of a draconian response to a 7 year old child.

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  6. Good morning to all. DOTOB, Department of Thinking Outside the Box. Our governments seems to be locked into ways of thinking that are leading us down a bad path, mainly of letting big business run the country. We need to break out and start going in a better direction.. All of the people who can see that we are on a bad path should get together and support the establishment of DOTOB.

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      1. Yes, I like that better. BATHTUB. I know you don’t like capital letters, tim, but I think they are needed for this pupose.

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      3. Oops I not only cannot type, I cannot read. Only one day of events:
        FRIDAY, MARCH 9 1:30-2:30 p.m. – Seeding the Future: Preserving Biodiversity One Garden at a Time. Presented by Shannon Carmody, Seed Savers Exchange program manager. Everyone seems to be enjoying the rising interest in heirloom varieties. Enhance your enjoyment and understanding of these seeds with amazing histories and find out why it is important to engage in seed saving.
        2:30-3:30 p.m. – Seed Saving Primer. Presented by Shannon Carmody, Seed Savers Exchange program manager. Each spring, you dream about what to plant, select your bedding plants and seeds, and then brace yourself for the total at the check-out counter. How about reducing that investment while having the fun of creating a “perpetual garden” – one where the seeds you collect from this season become the miracle of next year’s spring? Come learn the essentials to begin your own seed-saving journey.
        It’s $35 for members, $45 for nonmembers, part of a Spring Expo.

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    2. better adjust thinking habits to utilize boxlessness
      bathtub is a catchy name even though its hard to remember what its for. just get in the bathtub jim

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  7. I used to work at a company that had on its Board of Directors the Arbiter of Good Taste. I’d be up for that. I don’t know if that would come under the jurisdiction of the Department of Civil Discourse or the other way around.

    I am currently part of a discussion group elsewhere that is striving mightily to bring people with opposing political views into dialog. So far, we have not imploded, but I will also say we are a bit heavy on the left side of the conversation.

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    1. i tried that for a couple of years and the righties just laugh at the notion that someone wants to compromise in a discussion. they take that as a new starting point 4 notches closer to the right and they still don’t have an interest in meaningful discussion. i could head up the dept of stick it in you ear dosiiye but there is no ring to it. the few righties that are reasonable have no where to turn. if they go back to their people they get laughed at and told to get with the program. no taxes guns gays and god are the mantra, throw in illeagals and poor and you have a party to vomit on. see above.

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      1. This is a group that is for people who actually WANT to have dialog. There are many things that we agree can agree upon as needing action or change. These are not the red meat issues that get people screaming and hair pulling, this is the boring stuff, where we all agree on outcome, and are now chewing on means.

        The group has 2 moderators (1 from each side, they are not allowed to participate in the discussion) and before you can post, you must acknowledge that you have read and agree to abide by the group guidelines. The mods can bounce you out or put you in time out as they see fit.

        So far, so good.

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      2. But, you could pronounce it “dossier” and I think that rings rather nicely.
        In response to a long ago post, Tim, has your daughter looked at Main Street School of Performing Arts in Hopkins? http://www.msspahs.org/ The son of a guy I work with is a senior there and has had a very well rounded education. It sounds like an interesting place.

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    2. The Arbiter of Good Taste brings up the eternal question (with me, that is) of good taste in personal license plates. Most states allow you to order your own license plate, if you pay for it, and if the message is not deemed to be tasteless. That means each state with such plates has to have a person (it would be a person, I think, and not a committee) that screens for salacious or defamatory phrases. Who is this person, and what credentials does he or she present to get paid to stop any reference to MILFs or 69? I imagine each state has some raunchy, tatooed floozie who once worked carnival tents who now smokes black little cigars and reads potential license messages; the idea being that if a message doesn’t ring the wrong sort of bell with her, it is sweet as a daisy. But, y’know, I wonder.

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  8. Jacque has covered some of the instrumentalists (we might also need an Overarching Secretary of Massive Orchestras – O.S.M.O.) but I would like to be the Leader of Singing and Dancing (LSD). People sing and dance FAR too little in this country and I would pledge to get folks out there hoofing it and warbling it. Studies have shown that kids learn better if they sing and all sorts of health benefits have been discovered.
    http://www.lifelongmusicmaking.org/home.html

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    1. the 10year old who dosen.t like tomato chunks does dance at least 30 minutes a day to her favorite tunes. glee has become the newest download and i would highly recommend it. even listening does the soul good dancing to it would make lsd a mind altering experience worth pursuing.
      night of the iguan is on my tcm oscars movie month. i am taping it to watch ater it is a favorite. i would like to be the keeper of old movies with the notion that murder special effects and nudity are not required to make great moments as a matter of fact it kind of makes it less possible for the most part. and poetry remember the old mans poem he finishes just before he dies.
      poetry should be a department to organize as well.

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      1. I go Contra Dancing when I can, I go to Zumba classes, occasional Israeli dance and we do folk dancing at a camp I attend. I wish I’d started dancing much younger. It’s a joy to watch the young people learn new dances in a snap. A favorite song is Didn’t I Dance in My Day about an older woman looking back on herself as a young woman. It makes me a bit sad because I DIDN’T dance “in my day”.

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      2. Yeah, I didn’t either, have been a latecomer. I think it takes some, er, um, maturity to be able to “dance like no one is watching.”

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      3. Internation folk at Tapestry, mostly; some Contra and Squares in the past. And then wild free form with the right crowd at parties… esp. if wine is involved. 🙂

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  9. Morning all — I am actually lurking these days, but very busy at work, so not much time for typing.

    As I know I’ve said before, I’m not a “big picture” kind of person. I prefer the “doing” – so I’m not sure I would enjoy being the head of any government agency. Although if there were a Department of Homeland Crafting or a Division of Desserts, I might find a way to fit in!

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    1. I’m with you all the way, Sherrilee! If everyone spent more time knitting and less time arguing in this country, we’d have lots more socks and mittens and arguably an export commodity. Plus think of all the goat/llama/alpaca/sheep herders who’d be elevated from a subsistance level existence to possibly self-sufficiency? Everyone’s happier and warmer– I’d like to fit in, too, but I can’t head an agency because it would detract from my already meager knitting time.

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  12. I can’t believe my first choice has not yet been taken. Put me down as the Prime Minister and Head Mucky Muck of the Ministry of Silly Walks. The Ministry would have no set agenda or schedule, and would answer to nobody. It would pop up at unexpected intervals in unpredictable venues to perform unanticipated bits, those bits sometimes being entertaining, sometimes informative and always silly.

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      2. Duke, duke, duke, duke or Earl
        Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
        Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
        Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl

        Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
        Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
        Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl
        Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl

        As I walk through this world
        Nothing can stop the Duke of Earl
        And-a you, you are my girl
        And no one can hurt you, oh no

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    2. Oops – I read it too fast, as “first choice has been taken…” (how do you do that little blushing emoticon?)

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  13. I would lobby for the Preposterous Language and Yodeling (PLAY) department – which would, of course, overstep its original responsibilities as all good government agencies do to include Dancing Ridiculously at Will (DRaW), Sing in Loud Loopy Yurts (SiLLY), and Grants Of Outrageous Funding or Fabulous Fancy (GOOFoFF). Meetings would first require that everyone pause at the Dress Up chest to find appropriate attire (only the Queen of the Meeting gets to wear the tiara) and every Friday would have a midday activity like Build Your Own Pom-Pom Trebuchet. Office supplies would, of course, include Nerf guns, sidewalk chalk, and a wide assortment of basic craft supplies like construction paper, glitter, glue, and crayons. Because at PLAY, we take our work very seriously.

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    2. I might have to abandon my department (at times) to be part of Anna’s and Steve’s. Silly and Playful and Costumes are always good.

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    2. Thanks for this, Boone! Technically MPR owns what I wrote while I was there. I don’t know if they trademarked it. Maybe at one time, but if such things expire it has probably been allowed to go the way of the brontosaurus. Brontosaurus. Now THERE’S a name I’d like to own!

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      1. you may want to look at trademarking the rest of your stuff so michael jacksons estate doesnt end up owning bubby and officer rafferty you and sir paul both deserve better

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  15. When I’m not helping with Lisa’ LSD, I’d like to be part of a Department of Peace, but that has already been attempted:
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Department_of_Peace

    So I’m thinking of a Department of Forgiveness. Think about it – if we could all forgive everyone for all the nasty things that are said and done in campaigns…
    There’s something else lurking at the back of my brain – be back later.

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    1. Barbara, you have always had a very generous and forgiving heart. You truly understand that people DO make mistakes. This is a good fit for you.

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  16. Just make me head honcho of the Congressional Office of Non Sequiturs. COONS would be responsible for sniffing out fallacious arguments and disproven theories before they find their way into policymaking and law. In the alternative, initiate the reversal of laws and regulations that have already proven ineffective. The theory of Trickle Down Economics seems a likely candidate for some close scrutiny, followed closely by an evaluation of the efficacy of deregulation of financial institutions.

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  18. I know – a DOL – Department of Listening, the DOL (whose leader would be LOL). All current MOC (Members of Congress) would have to be trained by the DOL in listening techniques, and any new legislators to come. Can you imagine each person to speak beginning with “If I heard correctly, sir/madam, what you just said was…”

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  20. Because I am deep in an editing phase, I want to start an agency somewhere to bring reason and logic to compound nouns. I will make them all:
    [WORDWORD] or [WORD WORD] or [WORD-WORD]
    We need some system to this.
    It’s hayfield and haymow but hay rake. It is hazelnut but hazel brush. Backdoor but back porch. Backdoor but front door. Barnyard but barn door. Bedroom and bathroom but dining room and living room. Stepbrother but half-brother. Pigsty but pig house. Summertime, wintertime, and springtime but autumn time. Pineapple but pine tree and pine cone. Handwork but hand tool. Fireplace but fire truck. Cookhouse but cook stove. Raspberry but June berry.
    Cookhouse but cook stove. Chickenfeed but dog food.
    One of my favorites: Schooldays but school day.
    Crabapple or crab apple. Maplewood or maple wood but maple syrup.
    Tar paper. Milk cow. Yard light. Butter churn. Fire truck. Shotgun. Can opener.

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    1. Crazy making, Crazymaking, crazy-making! (spellcheck tells me the middle one is wrong and gives the other two as choices for replacement)

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      1. Considering the amount of false information that gets passed around on the internet, perhaps we need a Debunking Urban Myths Bureau. That too would fit nicely as a sub division of DoCS .

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  21. you know what gang. we missed a major point on the blog here today. they found the link to curing alzheimers. i went to my uncle joes funeral today. he was an orthopedic surgeon here in town until 5 or 6 years ago when he retired. he was sympathetic when my dad came down with alzheimers and then a year after my dad it was his turn. it turned his family inside out. there was no other alpha in the family 7 kids and everyone looked to joe for every answer then he forgot the question and had no idea where he was most of the time. while i was in the hospital during my moms short stay joe turned up in the emergency room. he had forgotten he was in the shower and went down and broke his hip. he walked around on it for hours before they brought him in to discover he was needing to have surgery. he didnt make it but he didnt know he was even in pain or discomfort or in the hospital or the recovery wing of a nursing home which is where he died. my dad went from funny sharp witty loable to a bumbleing embarrassed shell who knew he was lost and my uncle was so lost he had no idea he was in a fog. i will participate in the bathtub the dol the pmahmmotmosw and the coons but i will vote for a republican if the cure to alzheimers could be found by doing it. go back and read the article in dales post if you havnt. it sounds like a done deal to me. just wait the 12 years til they approve it. did you see the cbs news story on the 16 year old who found the cure for cancer she thinks. she thought it up and tried it and it works. some days are good days. a funeral and the discovery for alzheimers end up on the plus side. i think joe would have been happy to know there is an end in sight.

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    1. Tim, I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your uncle and your dad. I admit that I did skip over the link that talked about the Alzheimer’s discovery. It certainly would be wonderful if they could eliminate that dreadful disease.
      Thanks for pointing out the important news.

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    2. Wow, you’re right tim. Heard something on the news this afternoon, but will have to take time to read the link Dale provided.

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    3. I’m with you tim – I would do a lot to assist with finding a cure for Alzheimer’s. My dad suffered from dementia, and watching him be slowly robbed of the ability to navigate, experience and explain his world was heart wrenching. The only silver lining was that his body saw fit to develop pneumonia before his mind would not recognize and acknowledge loved ones. Music stayed with him to the very end when all else was gone.

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  22. Since I would hate being in charge of a department, my first thought was I should be in charge of the MYOB Department – Mind Your Own Business. But if I have to remind other departments, organizations, or people to “mind your own business,” that job would not be fun when I have to remind the War Office to mind its own business. So I think I would rather go for DDPB – Dept. of the Daily Picture Book. I would pick a picture book to recommend that all the government people should read each day. If more people read picture books, this country would be kinder and gentler, I think.

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        1. Far beyond the moon and stars
          Twenty light years south of Mars
          Spins the gentle bunny planet
          And the Bunny Queen is Janet

          We all need Janet and the day that might have been

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    2. OT, Edith, just wanted you to know I got the “Japanese Twins” from the library and it took all of 15 minutes to read it through. Still charming but so, so dated. It was written in 1912 and reflects the customs and mindset of that time and place. Have to admit I was reading it for accuracy, too, and the facts were quite accurate with one or two exceptions which surprised me. I thought it was interesting to read that Lucy Fitch Perkins was an inner city teacher and got her idea to write a series of multi-cultural books from the 27 countries represented in her classroom–she wanted American children to understand and appreciate each other’s cultural heritage. ( each other or eachother?) She was ahead of her time. 🙂

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  23. Good late evening…

    I spent the whole day trying to come up with the words to fit ‘TROUBLE’ because I want to be in charge of that. All I could get was the end: _ _ _ _ Been Lighting Events.

    Fun reading today you people. Thanks for being there!

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