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Keeping Us Safe

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Today’s guest post comes from 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly

Greetings Constituents.

I’m a lawyer and it’s my job to write laws for a living. I know you don’t have much respect for that kind of work, but I’m a Congressman. I’m used to not getting much respect. It comes with the job.

But recently I’ve noticed a movement on the state level to add things to the State Constitution as a way of setting new law and preventing interference from the courts. I’m intrigued by this and I have to admit I rather like it because it gets around the tiresome talk-talk-talking about issues with people who aren’t smart enough to agree with me already.

Getting something into the Constitution is a great way to pre-emptively deal with things we imagine could become a problem sometime down the road if “those people” get their way. And you know who I mean. Everybody has some of “those people” who haunt their dreams.

Critics say this wave of amendments is like a child piling his toys against the closet door to keep the monsters from coming out. I get the connection, but I don’t much care for the tone – belittling such efforts as childish. Closet monsters are real. In fact, the U.S. Senate has cloak rooms where members are supposed to talk about issues and come to some kind of agreement. For a lot of people in Washington and St. Paul, coming to agreement is a very scary thing indeed, and they avoid it the same way you would steer clear of Frankenstein. Imagine a big, green, flat-headed lurcher named “Amity”, and you’ll get the idea. Very disturbing.

Personally, I have a thing about Vampires.

Vampires have been gaining ground in recent years. When I was a kid they only appeared in movies and always in their proper role – as scary bloodsucking beasts who could only be killed by a stake through the heart. But lately, they’ve been depicted as sexy, misunderstood lover boys who might be decent marriage material. Even though, as Vampires, they don’t have photo ID! They can’t even appear in pictures! Or is that werewolves? I’m not sure. But I do know that Vampires have lots of rich moviemakers on their side, and there are probably quite a few judges who are strong sympathizers as well. Think about it – they all wear black robes.

So my point is this – Vampires should be kept in their place as a threat and should not be allowed to become part of the mainstream in any way, yet there is a real chance that doors will be opened to them that would be very, very difficult to close in the future. Little girls already want to marry vampires as long as they are named Edward. And just think about vampires voting. What will candidates of the future have to do to appeal to the vampire base? Bite the head off a chipmunk? There are people running for office today who would do that with very little prompting.

That’s why I would welcome a constitutional amendment that states “Vampires are evil and are not entitled to any of the rights afforded human beings in the State of Minnesota, including marriage and voting.”

Since I am not a member of the Minnesota legislature, I can’t introduce this bill myself, but I hope someone will pick it up and run with it. People want protection from Vampires, and even though they enjoy Vampire-based art and seem to love Vampire-inspired style, I think they will see the sense in it. It doesn’t take a lot of imagination to be scared. Let’s nail shut the lid on the next Dracula’s coffin before he even has a chance to climb out of it!

What else is a Constitution for?

Sincerely,
Loomis Beechly

How would you vote on the anti-Vampire amendment?

81 thoughts on “Keeping Us Safe”

  1. if we start eliminating rights based on being evil or not we are getting into a whole nother area of discussion. if we can eliminate evil beings form voting and marriage then i have a list i can start right now. where do you start and where do you finish. should perverts be added to the list. i mean people who live their life differently than i do. how about catholics? they can be pretty scary and jews and muslims too. how about space aliens. if they come they should not vote should they? and i think goat owners should be allowed to vote twice because we need to endorse wholesome folk like that. alright loomis beechley you are on to something here. and southerners and people with slanty eyes…. and albinos….

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    1. You are right, Steve, especially with regard to voting rights. Even criminals locked in jail are allowed to vote in many countries and those places where fellons perminately loose their right to vote are considered to be too restrictive by many people.

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      1. I think it’s appalling that we strip felons of so many things – if we are truly putting them in prison as a form of rehabilitation and punishment, then the punishment should end when they are released. If they have not gotten the necessary rehabilitation, then we should not make any claims that rehabilitation is part of that time “inside.” Really good show last week on MPR about this – felons often can’t live in public housing, can’t get public assistance, and can’t vote after release. Is it any wonder that we have a large population that is disenfranchised (both literally and figuratively)? We have created an underclass that may as well be an “untouchable” class – it’s shameful.

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      2. Anna, that’s interesting and I agree with you. I ran into a nurse that I worked with back in the state hospital days. He transferred to the Faribault prison when his job ended at Faribault Regional Center. He bent my ear for at least a half an hour in the grocery store about why we insist on calling the prisoners ‘offenders’. They carry this label with them for the rest of their lives. Like you said, they can’t get a job, can’t get housing, etc., and end up back in the same kind of situation that put them behind bars in the first place.

        I did point out to him that the victims of their crimes likely wish to see their perpetrators locked up and the key thrown away for good, especially victims of violent crimes, assaults and/or rapes. What happens to their rights? He understood that, but he felt that once prisoners have done their time and have been rehabilitated, the labeling should end and their rights be re-instated. I know there are some criminals who will just be criminals and perhaps should not be in society. It’s a really serious issue when rights are being taken away from any individual or group. It must be very seriously weighed, in a rational rather than emotional way.

        I think the key to the issue is in the word ‘rehabilitation’. Is ‘rehabilitation’ realistic, or is it just something we try to do in order to make ourselves feel better about the problems in our society? If we send ‘offenders’ back out to a situation that has become even more challenging for them, what is the chance that they will make it? At what point does society become responsible for the reasons for crime? Poverty, lack of education, lack of health care, lack of tolerance for diverse groups – all these things need to be addressed. When we have a fair and just society, there will be less crime and less need for prisons and everything that comes with them.

        Sorry for the diatribe.

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      3. It is my sense that rehabilitation was a more prominent goal of incarceration in earlier eras. Conservatives have stripped away many programs promoting rehabilitation of felons because that seemed like “coddling” criminals. In recent years there has been more willingness on the part of those who are hostile to the under-class to admit that incarceration might mainly be a way of punishing offenders and keeping them isolated.

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  2. Good morning to all. I wonder if Beechly has carefully throught out his proposal for an anti-Vampire amendment. I don’t think I want to cast a vote againest Vampires and I wonder it it would be at all smart to propose an amendment againest them. I think Becchly and any one who is in favor of a law againest vampires could end up with two bite marks on their necks. I am in favor of the democratic process, but I don’t think it works when it comes to vampires. Leave them alone if you don’t want the kind of trouble from which you can’t recover.

    I’m afraid we will have to learn to live with blood suckers until we can find a safe way ro get rid of them. There seems to be no freedom from the evil behavior of blood suckers. They always seem to have us at their mercy

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    1. Don’t forget, vampire rights are your rights too! Anyone can become a vampire (or werewolf, or zombie) just by being bitten. Like poor people voting down tax increases on the wealthy in case they themselves get rich someday, we should protect undead rights as a way of hedging our own bets against the future. After all, average folks’ chances of becoming vampires are significantly higher than their chances of joining the 1%.

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    3. “Whenever you are confronted with an opponent. Conquer him with love.”
      ― Mahatma Gandhi
      Can’t we come up with a way to coexist with vampires?… Use their special skills & talents for the common good? A workforce for the night shift, stealth government spies for places protected by security cameras, a permanent solution to aging (beats cryogenics… and I hear people pay big money for that service)… the possibilities are awesome!

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      1. maybe mahatma stopped violence with love. i am not sure underhanded deciet that i see in politics works the same way. they seem to love that you will allow them to stick it in your ear and allow them to pillage the coffers while they celebrate their right and cunnning to tweek the laws to work for their own greed and power monger impulses

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  3. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    Before I start, I’d like to point out that some of my best friends are vampires. That said I’d also like to raise the issue of vampire-phobia which seems to rule the world of amendments. Even in our dear, eccentric California, marriage to a vampire was constitutionally outlawed, and now they have all these vampire marriages in purgatory. Then to complicate things, the amendment is ruled unconstitutional.

    These vampires are just trouble-makers, and expensisve trouble-makers, to boot. And they are making me defend against my own urges to suck blood during the full moon and I just don’t want to face that.

    But like I said, some of my best friends are vampires

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    1. You’ve found a way to be friendly with vampires, Jacque? You might have found the key to dealing with them. Perhaps I have misjudged vampires and they really aren’t so bad, after all.

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  4. I don’t think that the good congressman has considered the devastating effect that this amendment will have on garlic producers or the makers of religious symbols and crucifixes. I say this legislation is a direct attack on the church, family farmers, and US manufacturing. By the way, does the yes vote have to prevail with a simple majority or does it have to be yes by a certain percentage of the votes?

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      1. Let’s not forget the soft-wood lumber industry. If this passes, it may be contested in the World Court by the Canadians, fearful that t Canadian exports of wooden stakes will be compromised.

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      2. Yes, don’t mess with the garlic producers and their customers. Garlic is a big deal for them and they don’t want any laws that would have a negative effect on them. Most of them eat so much garlic that they don’t have any problems with vampires and they are encouraging eveybody to do the same.

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  5. If we let vampires have rights, then the zombies will want rights and then hydras and cyclops and then monsters from the Black Lagoon. Where will it end? Society as we know (& love it?) will unravel and we’ll all be reduced to “motorcycle riders fighting to the death over the last few cans of tuna fish”. I say the only people who can have rights are just like me and agree with everything I think and say………..

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      2. I think every voter should be subject to a urinalysis or a blood test before casting their vote. How do we know that their votes aren’t impaired by drugs or alcohol? We have laws that make it illegal to drive motor vehicles when under the influence, yet we’re not worried that people are intoxicated when electing our public servants. I’ve reached the conclusion that a lot of people must have been out of their minds considering some of the folks that have been elected.

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  6. Hmm. The Greek island of Santorini is noted for its vampires. Do any baboons see the similarity between Santorini and Santorum? Could Rick Santorum have some link with vampires? It’s worth contemplating.

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    2. Has he ever been seen in the sunlight?
      Does he have a reflection in the mirror? I think Ron paul is safer although paul does rhyme with no government at all
      Maybe that’s the answer let every citizen start their own state. We could 300 million united states (great for flag makers lobby) and my country doesn’t pay taxes or acknowledge vampires or nazis

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  7. OK, tim and VS have alluded to the Slippery Slope. The rest of you are In Denial, albiet each in your own way. But as I see it, this is not a problem. Think, People! Voting happens after sunrise!

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    2. Those vampires motivated to vote will find a way to vote – Spike and Angel both found ways to navigate during the day in Sunnydale (in the “Buffy-verse”)…I’m sure they will find a way to get their un-dead base rallied and out to the polls.

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      2. No – haven’t read that one. I do have a book that has essays on the philosophies of the Buffy-verse. Also good (and does a good job of explaining many of the main schools of philosophical thought).

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  9. I would vote against an amendment to ban the legions of the undead from gaining full rights. Mostly because I am against any constitutional amendment limiting rights for anyone. A constitution, to my mind, is to establish rights, not limit them. Besides, as Buffy, Angel and Spike have established, not all vampires lack a soul, and they, perhaps, are the kind of voter needed to keep the far right from destroying the safety nets for the poor and regulation of the finance industry It is, after all, in the best interests of the vampires to keep the financiers at bay so that there are limitations on the non-vampire blood sucking population.

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    1. How is it that all those guys, like Loomis Beechly, seemed to make it into the studio with Dale and Jim Ed, and I noticed the Dale was always the one that interviewed them.

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  12. Completely OT. Just finished Alexandra Fuller’s “Cocktails Under the Tree of Forgetfulness”. Lovely. Highly recommended. One of my favorite lines: “A single baboon in the cliffs barks a warning and the warm world feels leopard watched.”

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  13. The pollsters have divided up the population into such finite units (“left-handed women of southern European extraction who drive their daughters to soccer practice in luxury cars”), that we do need to think about how we vote. We should be required to register in groups like that. “Wild men who start businesses at the drop of a hat, even hat businesses.” “Hinterland retired hobby goat-herders.” “Broken-down retired English teachers who write bad novels.” And we would have to have a picture ID that shows not who we are, but into which category we fall. bib has her picture. Mine would be a garbage can full of wadded up paper, well a virtual trash can full of half-written pages.
    So what’s your voting category and what would be your ID picture?

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    3. Category: “Married bleeding heart PhD mental health professional government employee terrier owner with teenager.”

      Picture: A chewed-up Rorschach card

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    5. Category: “Hopelessly-optimistic (not an easy thing to be), level-headed artist’s sidekick from the show-me state (because I won’t take your word for it).”

      Picture ID: Bowl of cherries (WITH nutrition label) tethered to a floating balloon.

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    6. reminds me again of the kurt vonnegut idea that the world is divided up into clubs of common interest. i just saw three days of the condor the other night and remember when robert redford is calling into the guys who are tracing his call and they think they have him then the location switches and they are frustrated because there are 50 different numbers in brooklyn he tied into before he called and the screen keeps clicking from one spot to another? well that would be my catagory. about 50 at any given moment and about 6 or 7 seconds between clicks. from biz to family to arts to politics to ideas in progress to finances to the next one
      the picture would be my first grade picture with no teeth obviously without any clue what the world held and no idea how to go about it.(not much has changed)

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  14. OT Announcement. Many of you know that my daughter and the world’s coolest grandson are due to visit me. They get here Wednesday evening! This might be the most exciting day in my life for many, many years. I’ll be posting informational notices about this (unless you guys tell me to shut up). Thanks again to all the baboons who have loaned toys and kid gear for this visit 🙂

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      1. I’m a little worried, Anna, that I won’t be enough for him. Liam, for one thing, is going to miss his girlfriend. Each day when he goes out for recess, he spends that whole time holding hands with his true love, cute little Lane. How do I compete with that?

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