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Loose Lips Sink Ships

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Today’s post comes from Trail Baboon’s Living and Loving correspondent and a man who is a bottomless well of wellness – B. Marty Barry.

Greetings to all my friends struggling against the relentless currents of life. I’m here to grace you with my wisdom about your misguided choices. And it just so happens my topic today is very current – what happened to personal responsibility and accountability?

That’s the exact same question famous talker Rush Limbaugh asked in the middle of his apology to Sandra Fluke this weekend, although I hesitate to call anything an apology when it asks such a question and also includes a mini-lecture.

Oh, how I wish Rush would become a client of mine! Our counseling appointments would be sublime. He would talk and talk and talk, and he’s incredibly rich, so scheduling another few hours on the couch would be no problem for him. I would listen and nod and murmur and take notes. He would never ask for a response of any kind from me, so I could be as blunt and straightforward as I want in my personal session notes.

If he ever did ask for an opinion, I would have some at the ready.

For instance, on his apology:

Apologies should be brief. One should not try to explain one’s self in an apology –just take responsibility and express remorse. That’s it. Job done. The only question I can think of that might be part of a decent apology is “what was I thinking?”

And what about that personal responsibility thing? I know Rush was thinking about sexual behavior, but there’s a lot of responsibility involved in choosing words too. And he DID admit to making some poor choices there.

Unfortunately our society has come to a place where some people are rewarded for saying the first dumb word that comes to mind just because it feels humorous and clever and good. And sometimes that’s all it is – a wacky, impulsive, irresponsible choice.

But on certain occasions something happens and a dumb word takes root and begins to grow. And as it grows, it turns into a living thing that must be fed, even if it wants to eat your job. You can’t turn your back on that – you have to reckon with it.

And yet some of these same thrill seekers think they can undo their language mistakes by using word contraceptives like “I chose the wrong words” and “I did not mean a personal attack” and so forth, basically covering their earlier statements with a thin, transparent sheath of something that sounds like regret.

The success rate for this technique is, at best, mixed. And word contraceptives should always be used BEFORE speaking, not afterwards.

The consequences can be severe, so be cautious when you feel the urge to start playing with words! Be discreet and take personal responsibility for what you say, especially when it comes to words about sex, because things can go south pretty rapidly.

And I probably shouldn’t have said it that way.

Time’s up! I think we got a lot done today. And please remember that although I’ve never met you, I do care about you very, very, very much.

What makes for an effective apology?

70 thoughts on “Loose Lips Sink Ships”

  1. Since Polite Discourse is not the native tongue of those most in need of making abject apologies, a little lesson in syntax (English majors, please correct me if I am misusing that word) might be instructive:

    “I’m sorry you were offended” is not the same thing as “I’m sorry I was offensive”-neither of which has anything to do with “whaaa? this may cost me MONEY?!?!?!”

    As for this person becoming a client of yours, B Marty, be careful of what you wish for. I’ve seen people who have suffered from prolonged exposure to this individual, and the deleterious affect on the brain is something I think you would want to avoid.

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      1. “prolonged exposure may be hazerdous to your well being”
        the new rush limbaugh sound bit that must be aired every 15minutes while his show is on the air in accordance with fcc regulations in response to his cancerous spewings on public airwaves.

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  2. Good morning to all. Well, I think we all know that Rush didn’t make a real apology because he doesn’t seem to understand what he did or maybe he does and really isn’t sorry that he said it. I think he really wanted to be disrspectful of Sandra Fluke and of any woman who stands up for issues that are important to women.

    I think what he said didn’t just stip out of his mouth by accident. It was something he planned out to support the stradegy of some Republikcans who to try to gain votes by appealing to people who are not in favor of protecting the rights of women. A real apology is one where you understand that what you said was wrong and indicate that you will change your way of thinking so you will not repeat your error..

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    1. Looks like I am having more trouble than usual editing out my mistakes. I sincerely apologize for my errors. I think my apology is somewhat meaningless because I don’t think I will be able over come my problems with editing my error filled writing just as I think Rush will not be able to over come his tendency to offend people.

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      1. Ah, but your typos do not have malicious intent behind them, they are clearly garden variety mistakes. Also, you are sincere in your apology, which makes it all the more meaningful, regardless of your ability to keep it from happening again. 🙂

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  3. sincerity is the key. too many apologies are responses to expectations on what the behavior should have been as opposed to a feeling of regret or remorse. many apologies have that, if this apology isnt enough then stick it in your ear, kind of feel to them. i am so certain as to rushs sincerity that there is no need to wonder. he is a truly special guy and must be applauded for his gesture of social grace.nice to have billy marty berry back. we all miss your words to help us in these hard times. i think maybe bmb should open a branch office specializing in the offering political advice. he is such a needed voice of reason out there in the world of political discourse. help us billy martry berry, we need you.

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  4. There is an internet quote to the effect that any apology that contains the word “but” is not even a tepid attempt to apologize. On these pages tim has said the same about “if.” An apology with “if” in it usually means, “I regret that you were so doltish as to misunderstand my astute comment.”

    In a sense, the proper response to people like Limbaugh (Coulter and Malkin, too) is to ignore them. They are like bratty class clowns in fifth grade, always saying ugly things, in a desperate attempt to get attention. They can’t stand being ignored, and that makes them say increasingly outrageous things. Then, after a particularly egregious example of that, it can be fun to drop the hammer on them to expose them for the foul creatures they are.

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    1. People like Rush are not just saying ugly things to get attention. They are seeking support for political causes that appeal to the backward thinking people in our society. They should get a lot of cirticism.

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  5. i am in the but camp also steve. any statement with but in the middle means you can ignore everything in that statement before the but.

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  6. The “but” in political apologies is to claim moral superiority or human frailty “like all of us.”
    The “but” in sports apologies is to claim “everybody does it” and to make it slyly clear that the thing for which they are apologizing is getting caught and not doing the deed. (See current NFL story.)
    My one statement of the day and then off to a day of sitting in waiting rooms: there is la line in humor that one can cross. One one side is legitimate humor, on the other side is cruelty and pain. Bullying and teasing crosses that line the worst. Johnny Carson used to talk about that line, that he was often offended and hurt by things comedians said and did. And the line does move. Racists, sexist jokes were once funny and acceptable. But, notice the but because this will be a minor opinion, the line was a crossed and remains crossed in another direction, in the 70’s led by Saturday Night Live. There is a tone in much of humor since then of the same moral smugness as Rushy boy. There is a bully quality to people like Dennis Miller and Chevy Chase. I know there will be little agreement with me and I am going to go hide in waiting rooms.
    One piece of news for all: Mayo Clinic called my daughter and they have a good match. Her kidney donation is getting very near it seems, but that has been said before.

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    1. i was really surprised to find uot how ugly dennis miller was when he started his right wing rants. i have funny aquaintances (used call friends) that turned out to be way right in their beliefs. what makes people so self righteous? enjoy the waiting rooms. hopw you can tweak you novel or find a good use for it. saturday night live was irreverent and bold. rush is just mean and hurtful. snl never spit on people. rush never stops

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    2. Will think about this, Clyde – I agree that the humor changed in the 70s, boundaries were crossed (or disappeared altogether), but I liked some of it, the irreverance.

      Hope you have a good book for the waiting rooms.

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  7. Apologies… I’ve been the recipient of many a “I’m sorry you were offended” type apologies. Don’t like them, especially when it’s mainly an opportunity for the person to explain to me that I didn’t really understand their noble motives and how generous they are.

    Apologies should be heartfelt and proportionate to the wrong done. Apologizing for one small thing can be quickly done, but to attempt to apologize for years of treating someone like a piece of dirt with a one-sentence apology that only touches the surface of things doesn’t do much for me. In fact, it seems worse than no apology because it doesn’t take into account the depth of pain caused.

    Public apologies are another matter altogether and I don’t really know the best way to do that.

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  8. Ah, good to have BMB back – I can just hear Tom Keith delivering this post!

    In a true apology, the person can look you straight in the eye as they say it.

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  10. Back in the younger days of the s&h, I remember reading one theorist who stated that, at least for young children, apologies are really not that helpful. Restitution makes a real impression.

    You can say “I’m sorry” any way you like, but helping to rebuild the block tower or giving your cookie to the victim says a lot more.

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      1. Once when the child was about 8, she and another little gal got themselves in trouble at their daycare program. As part of her restitution, she had to apology to the other gal. When I told her this she blurted out “WHY? It was her idea!” I explained to her that she knew that what they had done was wrong and that she should have said something and kept both of them out of trouble. She thought about that for quite awhile and then did make the apology the next day. And I’m happy to report that there was no more trouble of that kind ever again!

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      2. Well, that sounds like a pretty good “forced apology.” It sounds like she thought about it enough that it was meaningful. I was thinking more of the toddler-preschool stage, where the parent drags the kid over to the victimized kid and tell them to say “sorry.” They eventually do it, but it doesn’t seem like they always understand what they are doing, much less impact their future behavior.

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    3. I view one’s behavior following their apology in much the same way I view the use of the word “but”… the actions following the apology trump the actual apology in my book. An apology is not sincere if it is followed by more of the same bad behavior.

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  11. I think a key to a sincere apology is the understanding that the apology will not necessarily bring immediate forgiveness from the other party. I think too often the apologizer feels that the apology is enough to “make things all better” and that the apologizee should then be able to move on past whatever the offense was. But as Edith points out, apologizing doesn’t necessarily equate with a reciprocal “I forgive you.” Better to follow mig’s advice for small children – actions can speak louder than a mere “I’m sorry.” And know that your apology may not be fully embraced and the offense forgiven.

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  13. Happy about the hopefulness of Clyde’s daughter’s kidney match. (I don’t know the history but it appears that you’ve been given this hope before.) I hope it is the charm this time.

    Our church had a sermon series on “forgiveness”. It was extremely powerful. We had a small sermon-based discussion group and we were asked to share a time when we had forgiven (or tried) or BEEN forgiven. It was the first time the group had met and most of us didn’t know each other. People told the most personal, incredible stories from both sides of the forgiveness fence. I can’t actually remember what i said (natch) but it paled compared to some of the others. Probably something about not being able to forgive my sons’ father for failing to be the father I wanted him to be (or they wanted him to be). Of course, there was never an apology there. The proper apology wouldn’t be directed at me, anyway.

    Part of the “forgiveness” series was about managing to forgive even if there was no apology or if the offender wasn’t even around anymore (dead or skedaddled). And that NOT forgiving had no effect on the offender but holding the pain and resentment (even if justified) is very damaging to the offended.

    I agree that a simple apology, even if sincere, will not suddenly make it all better. An insincere one is worthless or worse.

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    2. WARNING: this turned into a sermon:
      A longer statement of my opinion, and just my opinion, on what I said before tied to some things said later by others which are connected, at least in my eye. For instance, I am doing the Bible thing only because it was raised.

      One of the least grasped aspect of Old Testament rules for life/law/community well-being or whatever you want to call it is “restitution.” The eye for an eye passage is not a revenge passage so much as a statement about restitution. The OT concern is much more about the question of the well-being of the community, in other words courts/law/justice. The whole length of the OT is statements about restitution. We see “punishment” where the ancient Jews and some modern Jews are much more likely to see “restitution.” Few Christians get that the role of the Rabbi was much more that of a judge/giver of justice/preserver of the community peace than that of a pastor. The opening scene of “Fiddler on the Roof” shows that.

      The New Testament addresses much more the mental/spiritual well being aspect of the question, that forgiveness is good for the offended party, for internal peace, not now focusing on community peace. I’m not sure that the NT forgiveness and individual issue was supposed to trump the OT restitution and community question as fully as it did. We so often read Jesus statements as broad universals rather than specific to a moment or an event. And the NT does have statements that include restitution. We are told to make things right before we approach the altar, which means exactly what I am not sure. It says make it right, not dish out a cheap apology.

      All of which is to say that we have made the words of forgiveness way too cheap. A real apology by a public figure should include a direct eye to eye contact with hat in hand. And for the good of the community some aspect of that should be public, if not the eye to eye contact, then the trip to do so. Some other offering for deep insults I thing are also called for. Community service is often used by judges in just this way.

      Which is to get to my point about humor since the 1970’s. Humor or entertainment is so often used as the justification. “I was just trying to be funny.” Think how many things are justified today because they provide entertainment, as if amusement, eye-candy, and stimulation are the greatest need/want/community good. Remember the old cliché, now not often heard, about the Roman circus in the same regard. Entertain the masses and ignore the real public good. We correctly object to images of extreme thinness in women as destructive of our young women. I think we ignore public images of low-based, mean-spirited, and put-down humor. You will all agree with me except if I list my examples, which is where my position is seen as extreme when I have expressed it in other times and places. I see it everywhere. How many TV ads depend upon it! TV shows always give us a Frank Burns or a Potsy (Happy Days) who are so awful or so nerdy or something that we are allowed to laugh at their expense. (I would give more modern examples but I have not watched network TV since then.) I will eschew naming my other examples. I see the effects everywhere as I walk through the mall, drive the streets, listen to music, watch TV: a broad-spread basic unawareness that we each share this world with others and basic rules of decorum including what we say and how we say it is important. I could actually name some books which have addressed this issue intelligently.

      More importantly I would ask does not power corrupt? Do any of the screaming-head radicals who have become so rich and powerful and uncaring really care about their message anymore and not their power base and great wealth? Would not real restitution make some impression?

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      1. There’s a lot to think about there, Clyde. Thank you. I will respond to just one little piece: “Humor or entertainment is so often used as the justification. ‘I was just trying to be funny.’” When my children were young, when one of them was mean to another one and then claimed, “I was joking!” or “Just kidding!” I would tell them, “It’s only funny if it’s funny for both of you” – meaning that it’s okay to joke, but not by saying mean things – because if the other person is hurt by it, then it’s not funny.

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      2. I have been increasingly recommending restitution as a consequence for aggressive behavior in some of my younger clients. When the person you hit gets to take any one thing that you own for keeps, it gives even very young children pause. Sometimes kids have to pay mom for giving her a hard time, so she enjoys a latte with their weekly allowance.

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      3. I have also been encouraging parents to reinforce more with words than with material objects. I think it makes a bigger impression on a child, in the long run, to say “I notice that you just hung up your coat (or helped your sister, or went to time out without complaining) and that was very respectful” (or kind or thoughtful or showed real self-control) than to give a sticker. This is from The Nurtured Heart approach by Glasser and find it is a nice behavior program. Not only do you name what the child has done that is good, but you link a personal quality or value along with it, so the child hears why it is good and they don’t do good things just to get stuff.

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      4. Edith, I used that EXACT same phrase.
        When he was maybe 5 or 6, the s&h lost his temper and threw the remote for the VCR across the room. It broke. I told him to get his piggy bank. We went to Radio Shack and got a replacement, paid for, by him out of the piggy bank.

        That was the end of throwing things.

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      6. Renee, I listened to Old Bill Glasser sit and drone on about his educational ideas for hours. Half of what he said, if you could stay alert enough to hear it, was sheer brilliance and half was pure hogwash. But a sweet, sweet man on one to one.

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      8. When my son was in high school he had a laptop to compensate for the written language problems associated with his arm/hand weakness. He got a new computer and the (difficult) math teacher wigged out that he was playing with it in her class. I made him buy a toy for her soon to be-born baby and attach a note to the rattle saying “this is a toy and I should not use my computer as a toy. “From that time on it was not a problem in the class. when I complimented my son he said, “It would break my heart to buy the high chair for that baby and I know where you were heading.”

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      9. forgivness is a whole nother thing than apologizing. i can listen to and decide on an apology but to forgive the thoughtless lamebrain is a big deal. my old catholic school upbringing tells me if you go to confession you can just rattle off the sins in the confessional and get forgiveness and get on with your life. never bought it but that was the deal. never mind if you buy it, i got it done with god.

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  14. Explaining to people who think you shouldn’t have apologized in the first place as to why you apologized sort of reduces any aura of sincerity from the apology too.

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  15. I should like to see Rush spend about 6 months in a community of monks that observe almost continuous silence. Can you imagine what he would find if he was forced to look inward and couldn’t use distraction, blame,and denial as his defenses?

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  16. OT: Robin, you asked for my guerrilla gardening seed bomb recipe. Here’s what I have…
    1 1/4 C dry powder clay (art supply store)
    3/4 C dry organic compost
    1/4 C seed (stick with smaller seeds so the bombs won’t crack when they dry)
    Mix seed & compost together. Add dry clay and mix.
    Mist with water as you mix until it starts to bind together.
    Roll into balls (1-2″ diameter)
    Dry in the sun for 1-2 days.
    Makes 30 – 40 seed bombs
    You can toss them pretty much anywhere you want to beautify… and probably best to get them out there when they have a chance of getting a little moisture. Have fun! 🙂

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    1. I did in fact consider Dale but too briefly I think. It’s possible foe the reason you give. I do have a minor character named Dale, but that would be a simple change. Daley is exactly right.
      Hmmmm?

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  18. I have wonderful news. Margaret (Plain Jane) is enough improved that she can read and occasionally write emails. She has really been through hell, and she still is in great pain, I gather. But BETTER. That’s the point. She’s BETTER!

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    3. Good news indeed.

      And to add to the medical report, the Mayo Clinic has the kidney chain set up for my daughter and her recipient. She and two other donors and then the three recipients go to Rochester at the end of of April. Matches are correct and everyone has passed their physical. Hopefully it will not fall part like it did in December when there were five pairs. Three will hold together better we hope.

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      1. I just saw a story about “the chain”, Clyde… what a wonderful way to get donors & recipients together! I hope it will all go smoothly. You must be so proud of her.

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  19. OT – Oh what joy, I have just had a shower! First since last Wednesday; I feel almost human, Changed drugs yet again today as the combo I was on gave me insane headaches. Hoping for a good night. Walked three feet today with a hemi-walker, can’t use crutches because of my fractured right shoulder. Progress slow, but I’m still holding out hope that i’ll be able to go home next weekend. That’s my goal. Thanks for all the emails and encouragement, I really appreciate it.

    I’m genuinely sorry that I have not been able to participate more on the blog lately, I’ll make restitution when I’m back in the swing of things.

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      3. By the way, tim, thanks for the gravatar. Finely gotten to see one of your paintings. Do like it, despite its being out of my normal range.

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