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Ask Dr. Babooner

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Dear Dr. Babooner,

About ten months ago, I was asked to give the commencement speech at a local university and I said “yes,” not thinking that the time would come when I would actually have to do it. But now that time is here and I’ve done nothing to prepare. The speech is tomorrow and all I’ve got is a head full of nonsense and clichés.

When I think about the speech I’d like to give, it’s full of wisdom and fun and the students love it they’re glad they came and grateful they had the chance to sit in the 90 degree heat while wearing black robes under a full sun to listen to it.

But in reality I don’t relate to young people very well, and even if I did I don’t suppose there’s anything anyone could say that would make them grateful at this point. They’re tired, broke, in debt, and are being sent out into the economy to find work when job prospects are impossibly bleak. There’s a huge backlog of highly educated people just like them who have been sitting in their mother’s basements for the last decade, playing video games and picking up pocket change through intermittent babysitting and landscaping jobs.

I looked online and found lots of advice on giving commencement speeches – most of it in the form of pithy clips from talks given by celebrities and earnest instructions from well meaning haiku writers who will never, ever, be asked to do what I’m about to do.

I’m frightened. Right now, this is the text I’ve got.

“Congratulations, Graduates. You’ve already been though a lot, and that has prepared you as you head out into the world. Because whatever it was you went through, there’s a lot more of it out there, and some of it has your name written on the side.

So work hard, conduct yourself with integrity, and whatever you do, always, always know your audience. In particular, always try to be aware of the boundaries – those places where your audiences’s interest in what you have to say abruptly and permanently ends. And whatever you do, do not step across those lines.

Because, whoever you are, politician, priest, or professor, one thing remains true. Unless you are a magnificent singer or a brilliant genius, people are almost always grateful and appreciative when you finally sit down and shut up.

Thank you very much.”

Do you think I can get away with that?

Sincerely,

Fully Gown Man

I told Gown Man he should not, under any circumstances, give that speech. Condescension and self deprecation are never as enlightening or entertaining as you think they will be.

People expect an uplifting message at graduation. It should be about the graduates and not about you. And yes, it should be presented in as few words as possible. If you truly know your audience, you will give them what they want, but prioritize.

“Uplifting” is job number one.
“About them” is job number two.
And “few words” is job number three.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

46 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Babooner”

  1. I think you’ve got it just about right, Dale.

    All this makes me glad I will in all likelihood I will never be asked to make a commencement speech.

    Happy Trails, northbound Baboons-skritchy some goats between the horns for us!

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  2. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    Sounds good to me, but then I did not attend my college graduation. I did attend the one for my Masters and I remember little so the speaker.

    I am headed South, returning my mother to Iowa. CU later alligator.

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  3. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, Dale. It has all been said before so why prolong the agony. From my own college graduation all I remember is sitting in sweltering heat in my cap and gown over a halter top and a pair of shorts. I have absolutely no recollection of who the commencement speaker was or what he said, all I wanted was to get the heck out of there.

    OT- Was a Farmer’s Market at 6 A.M. New potatoes, dill, cilantro, asparagus, radishes, spinach, kale, sugar snap peas and a loaf of Roasted Onion and Gorgonzola Bread. As a special treat a smoked trout fillet and three large, locally grown (hothouse) tomatoes. I’m good to go for the Memorial Day weekend!

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  4. i love ted
    the topic of the guys field of expertise in 18 minutes and if you dont like it click the next one instead.
    i am a motivational junkie, i could listen all day. i hear about half of what is being said because it spurs ideas in me i get excited about as i am sitting there listening. i need to record stuff so i can come back to it. i laugh at what i messed when i relisten
    for graduation the topics include:
    purpose
    legacy
    focus
    commitment
    and the recall of albert nobel who read his obituary prematurily in the newspaper and how it said nhe made dynamite. he got to choose to make it turn out differently with the nobel peace prize. he had the good fortune of deciding what his obituary would say. who could ask for anything more. we do all get ot decide what it will say. the question is will we do what is neccessary to have it read the way we want
    life can be simple. simple is the hardest thing there is and the easiest. have a nice life. . purpose and legacy are te themes, commitment and focus the tools and me the vehicle. i hate it when the true stuff just boils down to something as simple as give it your best shot, but that all there is, commencement, its a nice moment. celebrate your accomplishment and then get ready for the next breath and hopefully you will be able to celebrate that one too.

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        2. you will love ted. there are thousands of them and you can try to pick em or just let em flow. they are all amazing. havent ever seen a bad one. friday mpr has the ted hour at noon these days and they are great on the radio too, tere was an amazing one about a guy who studied peoples preferences in food and how he has changed the world by simply looking at it with different eyes. it was wonderful.
          http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2012/05/25/mpr_news_presents/

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  5. The college administration ran me out of town the day before I graduated from Grinnell. I don’t remember my high school graduation, and I didn’t get a ceremony when I got the MA. So I have no relevant experience here. The most memorable graduation ceremony I’ve attended was boring until one kid walked across the stage to claim his diploma and the whole time he walked his mortar board was flipping and hopping and sliding all over his head at crazy angles, but it never came off. I guess he practiced for months to perfect that stunt. My daughter’s graduation was boring, although one student wore a gorilla suit and one young woman was dressed as Wonder Woman. I remember her!

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      1. I’ve mentioned it a bit in the past. There was a party two days before graduation. Three of us who were there were subsequently told we weren’t fit to walk across the graduation stage. I really didn’t do anything evil . . . although I tried to! 🙂

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  6. As I recall, Rudy Perpich was the commencement speaker when I graduated from college. I don’t remember a thing he said. As I played in the concert band, I was busy playing and grieving my last performance with the band. I think we played Crown Imperial by William Walton as the entrance march.

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      1. I’m thinking ‘Old Beach Guys’ doesn’t have the same ring to it. Or it doesn’t sound like a band anyway. “OBG”?

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        1. give em all those metal finders and a set of headphones to go hunting for quarters and weddign rings in the sand like the grizzled old prospectors you see on the beach.

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  9. I was attending a high school graduation, not my own, can’t even figure out why I was there except that the private school was in my town and the graduation in my church.
    What I remember is that the speaker said “you won’t remember this graduation speech”.
    That has stuck with me.

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    1. BTW, very interesting to go the early “episode” of TB from Dale’s link on haiku. Comments by some of the same players here today, quite a few now gone. The same playful, cleaver give and take. I’ve got to go back and read some more (at least to find out what the baboon’s name was voted to be)

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  10. Ooh, Dale’s second link above is to the day we were naming our mascot baboon. 🙂

    I think FGM should go ahead and give that speech. It’s brief, relatively honest, and startling enough that it might keep people awake. No one is going to remember it anyway, or who gave it. Two weeks down the road and he’ll be off the hook.

    Or someone could just cue up some music – I remember on TLGMS when Dale and Jim Ed would play the traditional Pomp and Circumstance music and follow it up with Get a Job. 🙂

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  13. OT, but what a lovely day. We have been in a drought here, and today is drizzley and wet. We planted the last of the garden-Savoy cabbage seedlings, Blue Lake pole beans, Borlotti pole beans, Brandyboy tomatoes, Suzie Thumburia , Argentata Swiss Chard. and now we are indoors and dry and warm. Daughter can transport herself from work to home since she has her driver’s license. Best friend graduates from High School tomorrow, a sad but important day. Life is good. The high school band director was lamenting having to play Pomp and Circumstance (what exactly does that mean, Pomp and Circumstance ?”, and I suggested Crown Imperial, but he is going with Elgar instead of Walton.

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    1. The phrase “pomp and circumstance” was first penned by Shakespeare in Othello. He referred to the celebratory display of war equipment that might be found in a showy parade. The phrase evolved to refer to some kind of brilliant, extravagent celebration, as in a graduation.

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    2. enjoy the rain the successful planting and the freedom found due to the daughters big step into independence. if her best friend didnt graduate she wouldnt have any confidence in the process in 2 more years when its her turn. hopefully her friend will go to ndsu or montana so weekend drives are possible. i am an elgar fan too but the pomp and circumstance is derved after getting through the academic poppycock in the stepping stone process. both is fine but you cant skip the pomp.

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  14. Good afternoon. Okay, short is definitely good, but it doesn’t have to be too short. A little humor or some story from your personal experience could be included. Of course, I don’t know anything about a making a speech so whatever I say may be way off. Good luck. I think you will come up with something good. Congressman Beechly might have some advice, but I think he is a little long winded. Captain Billy could give advice on keeping it short and straight to the point. I don’t think Bud Buck would give you anything that you should use.

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  15. Take time to be still and enjoy where you are. The end. (I’m up nort’ on Gull Lake…might be influencing my speech-making abilities.)

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  16. Hey,
    Well, FGM, it’s not the worst speech I’ve ever heard. I have a hard time listening; church, commencement, baccalaureate…teachers, financial advisors. My mind wanders.

    Tell me stories. Tell me about yourself. Make me laugh and then think and you’ve got a chance at keeping me interested.

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  17. Well, we have really done it this time. We have taken in a very sweet 4 year old male Welsh Terrier who was going to be homeless this week due to a landlord who wouldn’t allow his people to keep him. Our 10 year old Welshie is not too happy and is being pretty snappy and territorial, but it is getting better as the day goes on and they do really well outside. He outweighs her by about 10 pounds and he is pretty timid around her and doesn’t retaliate when she snaps.. The cats are not happy because he likes to bark at them and chase them. It is going to be really interesting (read that as stressful) until it all the creatures find their niches. Any advice?

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    2. kinda like doggy downers on snl years ago (or puppy uppers if they overslept)
      we brought in a pair of shepard puppies and the basset is freaked out but wagging her tail so it is a posturing growl and the cats dont know what to think. the little maltese is happy to have someone his size around but hed better enjoy it quick i think the shepards have grown 30% in a 10 day stretch. the female shepard is the smarter of the two but the male is the alpha. interesting to see how they figure all that stuff out. i was told years ago not to try to influence the pecking order. they already know that stuff about each other and it is just a matter of hitting the comfort zones.

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