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Pick Me Not

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Today’s post comes from Minnesota’s 9th District Congressman Loomis Beechly. He represents all the water surface area in the state.

Beechly’s Submerged Stump Speech

Greetings, Constituents,

I wanted to be the first to tell you that it does not look like Mitt Romney will choose me to be his running mate in the 2012 Presidential contest. Many of you have supposed otherwise, and I’ll take that as a compliment because the alternative is simply too discouraging.

It was close, though. At least I think it was.

Although I haven’t been contacted by vetters from the campaign, I gained some legitimacy from the condition of my Wikipedia page – it’s entirely non-existent. One way to tell if a person is about to be chosen to run as vice-president is to see if their Wikipedia page has been updated recently to remove any embarrassing details just before the choice is announced. That set off a flurry of wiki-checking for the major contenders – Pawlenty, Portman, Jindal, etc. All their pages were being watched. But when I discovered that I don’t have a page on Wikipedia, I instantly became a front runner (in my mind). After all, my selection could remain a secret up to the very last moment – especially to me! That kind of organic discretion is a huge plus.

My positions on the issues also made me a likely choice, because I’m omni-political. I like a good argument, and if I REALLY like yours, I’ll just adopt it! Just like Mitt, I’ve felt a bunch of different ways about lots of things.

Also, geographical diversity gave me an edge. Mitt Romney is from Utah, a very dry state (in spite of the Great Salt Lake). I, on the other hand, represent all the water surface area in Minnesota – a perfect compliment for a presidential candidate who comes from the dusty desert. He’s dry as dirt. I’m wet as a catfish. Put us together and we make up an essential political element – just right for slinging at the opponent. And mud is also a time tested building block.

Romney-Beechly also has a good ring to it – really nice! And it’s an anagram for “Bye Melon, He Cry!” That would put us in tight with the California Honeydews – a major source of campaign funding.

But I continue to fail to appear on short OR long lists for the Vice Presidency, and my national profile is razor-thin. I’m beginning to feel a bit sad for what might have been.

But don’t get me wrong – I’m not crushed. For one thing, I’ve suspected for some time that I might be a Democrat.

Some days I feel kinda Red, and others I’m a little Blue.
It would be tough to commit to just one hue!
And now, as a non-vice presidential candidate, I won’t have to!

Once they’re on the job, Vice Presidents don’t have much of an opportunity to go in for poetry. Or fishing.

But I believe I’m off the hook. Hallelujah!

Name a job you were happy to NOT get.

96 thoughts on “Pick Me Not”

  1. Good morning. I am willing to do just about any kind of work, but some jobs certainly wouldn’t be my first choice. Over the road truck driver seems like a very hard job I wouldn’t like and I think waiting on people in restaurants would not be much fun due to some people who give waiters a bad time. The worst job I can think of this morning is servicing porta potties.

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  2. Nicely written, Dale. The political discussions I’ve heard emphasize that the main requirement of the Veep candidate is that he should not have more charisma than Romney. That is a staggering concept. The only human being I know of who is more boring than Romney is Tim Pawlenty. The only interesting thing about him is that he apparently has trouble “getting lucky” with his own wife. She probably has trouble staying awake for such moments, which will apply to all of us if Pawlenty gives a speech at the GOP convention.

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  4. i think i am glad i have not been nominated to be vice president too. i hate having to keep my mouth shut and that seems to be the main job of the vice president. back up the guy who gets the nomination and tyr not to muck it up. not the ideal role in life for me.
    unlike jim i think open road truck driver would be a piece of cake. doing the job of a stamp is something i can do. dirivers dont even load up any more, they just back in and sleep til their loadedup thne drive to the other end of the deal. then back up to get unloaded before they back up to be loaded at the next job. not real rewarding but the scenery out the window is the perk. i love books on tape and listening to the xm radio as i cruise down the highways. maybe being a driver would spoil that but id be ok for a while. waiting tables would be fine. my son makes good money at it and the trick would be getting into a good restraunt vs a perkins where 20 bucks a day would be the tip jar norm. i saw the guy drpping off the portapotties at a baseball tournament a while back and he seemed pretty happy to be getting the contract to drop of 18 of them for the weekend and he spent his time with a pressure washer and truck picking up and dropping off the little plastic closets he owns and pays for many times over on helping us all fulfill a neccessary function. i think the job i am happiest i didnt get to have was the president of the pta. i thought i could help out but it was more than i bargained for. the ladies had their own agenda and i was glad to let themgo back to the all girls club. i have a tough time with ongoing committees too short term ones i am ok but something about having to deal with another persons idea of the right thing to do for an everlasting term is my idea of hell.
    i am also glad not to be mitts spin doctor. i cant think of anything to say that would help. he looks kind of lost. doesnt he remind you of the kid who gets nominated to be student council president and wants to go and cover the halls with posters saying vote for me? i cant imagine him in a time of need being able to muster up anything other than a sweaty brow. he would be better of with pawlenty writing his rally speeches. then he could spice em up and feel like he did something presidential.

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    1. Your right,tim. Probably being a waiter, or a truck driver, or even servicing ports potties wouldn’t be too hard to do. I should have know that you can find some good in just about any thing. However, I really wouldn’t want to spend long hours on the road driving a big truck because I would be very worried about the potential for a bad accident. I am amazed that some truck drivers manage hold down that job for many years without having any accidents.

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    2. Except for when there is no one to empty the truck and to keep on your tight schedule you do it yourself and then hurt your back and even though the doctor currently says you don’t have to have surgery, you still have to lay down (with no working) for a couple of months at least. (My BIL is a trucker – they’re having a rough summer!)

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        3. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings tim. Sometimes I forget that people matter more than a laugh does. And you’ve always been very sweet to me. Remember when you said if there was ever anyone who shit angels it would be me? That will stay in my heart forever.

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  5. I certainly would not want to be the running mate for Romney, but I am assuming I am extremely low on his list of choices. Once, when I was unemployed, I applied for a job on Guam and didn’t even get an acknowledgement of my application. I might have liked moving to Guam, but I doubt it. I think that is one job I am glad I didn’t get.

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    1. jim i thought of you the other day when the star and trib had a story about the indian corn and other seeds a person donated to the museum where they are being kept in temperature controled rooms where they only allow 10seed max ever to be planted at one time to keep from spending the stash the collector put together. it talked about how different the corn from years ago was vs the sugary stuff we prefer today. there is a good job for you to look into. maybe you could be the guy who tells us what the heck the difference is between all those tomato seeds.

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  6. I wouldn’t want to have the job of picking the new name for the University of North Dakota mascot. Since there are so few people in this state, everyone here feels they have a personal say in the choices that must be made, and how on earth can you keep 600,000 people happy? ND is known as the Flickertail State, but I don’t think most people here want the team to be named after one of those little striped rodents that race heedlessly across the roads and end up smashed flat as vulture appetizers. Any Baboon suggestions? I would feel free to pass along your ideas to the poor people who will have to make the decision.

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      1. ND has also become the nation’s largest grower of dry edible beans. In this case I guess the team could be the North Dakota Toots.

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  7. In the summer of 2000, I was in a very distasteful work situation. My ‘position was being phased out’ and replaced by something that looked remarkably similar but paid less. I was invited to apply but it was stipulated that I would be given no special consideration for the work I’d already been doing. Don’t you just love our ‘corporate citizens’ when they do that? Anyway, I started shopping around. I wound up getting two job offers. I took the one that paid $10K less. And, as much as I really don’t like my job, it’s better than the one that paid more.

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  8. The only job that I’ve applied for and didn’t get was the one I have now – I got rejected three times. On the fourth application to my current company I got a different job than the one I wanted, but it was the proverbial foot in the door; after a year in that position I was able to get the job I have now.

    Sometimes when it’s stressful I think it might be nice to have a job on an assembly line where I don’t have to think, but then…………

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    1. I actually did some work similar to the work in that famous chocolate scene as a line worker at Hormel Foods. I wasn’t much better than Lucy. There were some jobs I could do, but I refused to do the job where you must stack sheets of paper with strips of bacon and send them correctly into a packaging machine.

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  9. I applied for a fast food job once (a small chain serving “Chinese food”…and I use that phrase very loosely). Didn’t get it. Think it would have been miserable. And probably would have ruined a lot of Asian-style dishes for me. After working at the Metrodome for a summer on “security” (again, I use that term loosely – I was a glorified usher in double-knit polyester and an 80s style floppy bow tie), I couldn’t eat hot dogs for a loooooong time. Working at the Malt Shop wasn’t so bad – there the food smell still hung with you when you left, but it wasn’t as cloying. And smelling like ice cream is a lot better than smelling like most anything fried.

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    1. You’re probably right about the Chinese food job. There are several things that I still won’t eat from a bakery – and it’s been 30 years since then!

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      1. I have more or less lost my interest in eating bacon and sausage after working on making those products at Hormel.

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        1. there was a movie showed at piper film club when i was an impressionable youth on gross out night, it was entitled slaughterhouse and showed the killing and processing of the animals and if if werent already a vegetarian on respect for life premises that would have steeered me in tat direction i think.
          theres a job i wouldnt like. the guy at the concentration camp who had to do anything at all. i had a hard time with the thought of being a soldier because of the same basic premise, where do you draw the line. going into the jungle to see if our guys with guns can find their guys with guns and shoot them before they shoot us doesnt sound like a job i want or approve of.

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        2. My turning point was my junior year; during a two-week period I had to read “The Jungle” for English class and we watched “Death in the Afternoon” for Spanish class. The combination put me over the edge – although to be fair, I had been teetering on that edge for most of my life at that point.

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  10. i am pretty good at the 9-5 thing because i never do it for any lengthh of timeits always on anweek long special deal basis so anyone can do that. i really admire people who do their craft 40 hours a week for week after week and sometimes think it would be nice to be done at 501. in my business i have a great right hand man but he is absolutley a 501er goes home to his kid no matter what we are in the middle of so i am careful only to give him important stuff to do. i am so multitask orientated that my memories of factory work at a drill press in 1973 are not fond memories. wont be doing that again unless i lose a bet.

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  11. I’ve distanced myself from trying to train fellow teachers about ANYTHING. They’ll chew you up and spit you out like no other. And they never shut up! I’ll stick with the young uns. Which reminds me, next Tuesday I’m officially back at work. I’ve been at school quite a bit already, moving and setting up my brand new classroom in our brand new wing. I’m so excited to finally have a room with a window. Now I can daydream right along with my students!

    Fun read, Dale! Love Loomis’ line, “Just like Mitt, I’ve felt a bunch of different ways about lots of things.”

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      1. Barbara, the high school where my two oldest daughters went had very few windows. Many rooms had no windows at all, others very few – and a lot of those teachers kept the blinds totally shut all the time. Many people have remarked that the school looks like a prison.

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        1. There is relatively new high school in Albert Lea where some of the class rooms, maybe 1/3 of them, do not have windows.

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        2. They go to Mpls South?…that place is a fortress. And not in a good way. (Though I enjoyed my years there, windows or no.)

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        3. Yes, Anna, how did you guess? But fortunately it’s all in the past now. Middle daughter found it very depressing – to not have a clue what was going on outside and then at the end of the day come out and find it 70 & sunny (or whatever the day’s weather might be, delightful or not).

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        4. There must’ve been a period of time when schools were built without windows. The huge addition to Faribault Senior High School has no windows. It covers the old part of the school, which had them. I was there for the old part – of course.

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        5. I was there back in the 80s – the program I was in (what went on to become the international languages program) moved from big, sunny Central High to South. Rumor had it, it was built that way b/c it was designed during the era of the race riots in the late 60s. No windows to break, parts of the building could (so it was said) be locked off remotely, lots of cinderblock… A pal who did some student work at the district office figured out it cost more to keep South running for a year than Central even though Central was a larger building (and a lot older) because South required artificial lighting throughout the building and relied on HVAC systems…Central had a lot of natural lighting (big, inefficient windows) and no AC or extensive ventilation (again with the big, inefficient windows…that opened up to fresh air).

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      2. Right. An interior room. A few times the electricity has gone off causing disruption and hysteria. Much scarier for little ones in the windowless rooms.

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        1. When I shared a windowless music room with another music teacher we put stars on the ceiling which would absorb the light and then shine if the lights were off. It was a great reward for the children to get to turn out the lights and sing a night song.
          I have a wonderful room with windows now.

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  12. One job I’m very glad I didn’t get was as an au-pair to a family in Basel, Switzerland. The family forwarded the applications of the candidates they didn’t need to the local Kinder Spital which in turn contacted them. I ended up working for the hospital, and shortly after arriving in Basel met the young woman the family had hired. She was paid less than we were, regularly had to work evenings, and the kids were brats. Annette L. and I considered ourselves fortunate to have been hired by the hospital instead and stayed one whole year, while Annette H., who was hired by the family, lasted only six months.

    A couple of years later I interviewed for another au-pair position at the American Embassy in Moscow. The husband was American, his wife was French, but before even meeting the kids I knew that I would not be happy there. When the wife showed me what would be my room, she casually said that she hoped I would be OK with her storing a few things in it. Turned out to be the washer and dryer, and a metal storage shelf along one wall full of canned goods and cleaning supplies. I managed to find a job with another family who treated me as part of the family, a much, much better deal.

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    1. Your description of that room reminds me of Seinfeld when Elaine pretended to live in the janitor’s closet across the street from Chinese restaurant so they’d deliver to her. Then the landlady started bugging her to fix things, mop, and so forth.
      Wondering,PJ, are you familiar with Seinfeld- here in our country? 😉

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  13. When my daughter graduated from the University of Puget Sound, she tried hard to find a job in Portland. No joy. Finally a friend tipped her off to a job opening at a law firm. She went for the interview, and (predictably) charmed the lawyer questioning her. He finally paused and said, “Look, darling, forget that fraudulent job description we wrote. Ask yourself one question: How would you like being a stepinfechit for five self-important a**holes?” Molly thought she could handle that. The lawyer finally said, “I like you too much to hire you. Good luck.”

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      3. stepnfetchit was the name of a tall slow talking black man in the 1930s films who was the happy darkie who said yes massa nor massa and did all the little errands they had for him enven though he was kinda slow. he always played the same charachter and the part was used often

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  14. Morning–

    I was offered a ‘security job’ as the gatekeeper at Menards. And I would have needed to shave off my mustache. Seriously? I turned that down.

    I don’t turn down very many theater offers. Because It’s all about the people and when you have the chance to work some people you jump on it. Now, having said that, I have been “Just too busy” to do a few theater jobs. After all, it’s all about the people.

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    1. I’m very curious as to why you would have to shave off your mustache to qualify for such a prestigious job as security gatekeeper at Menards.

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  15. When I became a grad student at the U of MN I needed a way to make a living while attending school, so I applied to be a “counselor” in an all-Lutheran fraternity. The “counselor” would actually be a morals policeman who would try to find kids drinking or breaking other rules. At the time I was vehemently opposed to the Vietnamese war, which meant I was 1) extremely critical of my government, 2) suspicious of all authority, 3) disgusted by fraternities and 4) fiercely independent. The guy interviewing me (a bigwig in MN Lutheran circles) was shocked that I was an atheist with generally low opinions of churches (most of which were cheerleaders for the war). For some unknown reason, he didn’t hire me! I’ve thanked him countless times since then.

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    2. I was told at Purdue that I might have trouble getting recommendations from Purdue staff for jobs if I continued to be a war protestor. This came from a Dean at Purdue and was told to me by professors in a private meeting.

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  16. I almost got a job as a nurse in a state prison a couple of years ago. I still like the pay scale much better than the one I’m currently subsisting on, but I’m glad I turned it down. I don’t think it would have been very nice.

    I wouldn’t want any job as a supervisor in any state agency anywhere. They get paid very well but they have to do some seriously odious things.

    I’m glad that neither Barack Obama nor Mitt Romney are considering me as their running mate. Glad, glad, glad!

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  17. Love “because I’m omni-political“, Dale. 🙂

    Back in the summer of 1970 it looked like I was not going to find a teaching job, so I interviewed in downtown San Francisco for secretarial jobs. About midway through an interview in some hi-rise office bldg. the (male) boss said he’d like to see my hair (gathered in a band at the nape of my neck) positioned on the side. Then he proceeded to inform me that I would be expected to accompany him on weekends away, sharing a room with him, etc. My naive eyes probably bugged out of my naive little head, and I don’t remember finishing the interview.

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    1. Lucky that he revealed that up front, Barb. The good old boys sure had the balls back then. When I first came to the Twin Cities in 1972, I responded to an ad for a management trainee with some chain restaurant. The ad had been placed by Masterson Personnel, and when I went to their offices to apply I was told that Mr. Masterson himself wanted to interview me. So I sat waiting in the waiting room while wasband was interviewed for another job by one of the other counselors. After I was finally ushered into Mr. Masterson’s office I was told that the position I was applying for was not open to a woman. I stared at him in disbelief and responded that it had damn well better be, that it was unlawful to discriminate because of gender. He proceeded to explain, in a very patronizing way, that he was doing me a favor by letting me know so I didn’t waste my time on an interview for a job I had no chance of getting. He offered to set up interviews for other jobs better suited for women. Well, I was livid and informed him that I fully intended to file a complaint with the EEOC, and I did. Don’t remember whatever came of it. Eighteen years later poetic justice was served when Mr. Masterson, Jr., then head of the agency, dropped by my office at the law firm to solicit our business. Need I tell you he didn’t get it?

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      1. I didn’t remember that women were even protected from that stuff in ’72. When did those protections go into place? (I know I could google but thought someone (PJ?) might just know)
        I’m glad that WGACA (what goes around comes around) was in play for the Mastersons. Quel jerk!

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        1. Lisa, in the early seventies “women’s lib” was very much in the news. The “equal pay for equal work” had been in effect since 1963 but was pretty much ignored. I’m sure there were all kinds of laws on the books that were routinely overlooked because so few where challenging corporations who broke them. I’ve never considered myself a radical but I know that many of my coworkers and employers in the seventies did. I merely insisted on fair treatment, and if that made me radical, so be it.

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  18. I’ve only held jobs in the real world a handful of times as I come from a long family line of folks who had an aversion to working “for” someone else. We’ve all been mavericks in a way, carving out independent paths in search of both income and fulfillment, I guess.

    A few years ago, I decided it was high time to get out of the cottage and be among lots of people. My private practice is home-based, so other than errands, a few lunch dates, and dancing on week end nights, I’m safely, for the most part happily, ensconced in this sanctuary.

    I easily got myself hired at the Wayzata Caribou Coffee House. I adored interacting with the endless variety of “guests” and bonded with the regulars within a few weeks. Almost from the start, I realized that I was hopelessly unable to multi-task, however. It was just me and a host of very young, highly-capable multi-taskers. To the best of my ability, I avoided the bar and tried to fly under the radar just doing coffees, teas, and manning the register. When I was forced to make actual drinks, I’d panic if there were more than two on the computer screen.

    Frankly, although I was the most popular guest receiver, I was a disaster as a barrister. Then came the day, when, unsuccessful at hiding behind the register, I was ordered to actually make drinks. A lady asked for a simple latte, so I steamed the milk, pushed the expresso machine button, and proudly presented her with her drink. In moments, she was complaining that the latte tasted awful. My shift supervisor immediately realized just what was wrong. You see, there were three expresso machines, each with a small cup at the base. The one I’d chosen to use had been going through a cleaning cycle.

    I’d managed to poison a guest with cleaning solution on my first try at making a latte! Things quickly went downhill from there. I couldn’t help but notice that my 12 hours a week went to 6, then to only 3. When I asked for more than 3 hours, the manager bluntly replied, “You will never get more than 3 hours in this store!!” This, combined with rarely getting the cash drawer figures to balance, was the beginning of the end of my attempt to get out of the cottage. I’ll admit that working at the hub of downtown Wayzata also caused me some embarrassment when my high school classmates would wander in (I assumed they were thinking, “Is this all she’s done with her life?”) The best thing I got out of this traumatic foray into working “for” someone was the classic story of having poisoned a guest.

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  19. Well, today I wouldn’t want to be a police officer in our town, as we have been told to lock our doors immedidately and stay inside as there is fugitive running around loose who is presumed to be dangerous. I am at work and this is the third time this year we have been locked down for safety. He was last seen by the police about 2 blocks from our workplace. I believe they may have to go house to house to find him. We live about 4 blocks from our work, and never lock our doors during the day (and we haven’t had to do so for the 25 years we have lived here), so I am a little anxious that he may be hiding in my basement!

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    2. And some bank in downtown Mpls. had some nutjob come in and do a bomb threat earlier today – WITWCT?? * And it’s not even the full moon…

      * (What is the world coming to)

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    3. The guy has just been apprehended without incident in west Dickinson (which is where I live) so we can all sleep in peace tonight.

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  20. Greetings! It’s the other way around for me — it’s always the good jobs that got away! I remember a couple miserable factory jobs I don’t ever want to repeat. Like Crystal Bay, I am not a good multitasker. My first job as a waitress left me perpetually flustered and nervous as I forgot items, spilled coffee and water everywhere, added tickets incorrectly ( no calculators or computers then) and generally messed up orders. Obviously, I did not make good tips either. However, the owner liked me, so he made me the hostess. That worked out much better for everyone. Funny thing — I sort of resembled his wife, Janet, who was also tall and brunette, so some folks mistook me for her.

    I do remember a few plum jobs I was totally qualified for, wanted very much and made it to 2nd and third interviews, but the other gal got the job. That was quite disheartening.

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    1. welcome back joanne, hope it turns one of these days or you figure out how to parlay you love of karate into a way of getting others to pay you for something youd do for nothing.

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  21. I once applied for an office manager position for a dental practice. I think it would have been a pretty decent job, but not very stimulating. I could be wrong, though.

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