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Ask Dr. Babooner

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We are ALL Dr. Babooner
We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

Should old acquaintances be forgot and never brought to mind?

Everybody I’ve talked to lately wants me to answer this question, which I find nonsensical. Since when has anyone been able to decide whether or not they will forget someone else?

My experience has been that your mind either loses track of someone or it doesn’t, and it has very little to do with how much you like them. The nastiest ones can stick with you the longest. With all the others it’s hit and miss.

Years later you might remember a forgotten person if you have a chance encounter on the street or you see their picture in a book or a magazine or a mug shot.

We really don’t have much say in the matter.

But people keep asking this “Old Acquaintance” question, usually with a drink in their hand at some late-night party, when they are getting sloppy and disgusting and the chances are good they won’t even be able to remember their new acquaintances.

Still, I get the sense that they want me to provide an answer, though I honestly have no idea what to say.

Sincerely,
B. Fuddled

I told B. that the question appears rhetorical, which means it does not require a response. In fact, this particular question and the environment in which it is typically asked is more of an invitation to have another drink – an activity which eventually leads (after a marked increase) to the cessation of talking all together in favor of simply staring into space, blankly. Perhaps his confusion about the intent of the question is really a sign that B. has been leaving the party too early.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

57 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Babooner”

  4. Good morning. The painful memory of some old aquiantances that went bad do tend to stick in ones memory. There are times when I do have trouble remembering some of those people that did me wrong because some how my brain suppresses my memory of them. These are people I should know by name, and I can’t remember their name.

    This selective memory of the names of people gets tricky. If I can’t remember the name of someone, does that mean that I don’t like them. Not always. Will someone think I don’t like them just because I can’t remember their name. I hope not. The worst case is when I don’t remember anything about a person and they remember me. That’s a very awkward situation. Then there are the people who act as though they don’t remember you, but you are sure that they do know you.

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  5. memory is such an odd commodity isn’t it? convienient , inconvenient, consistent, consistently inconsistent, dependable, there at your beckon call, there when you least expect it, random in its selection, specific in its details, will I remember…yes in my own way , in my own time, in my own little world between my ears in the deep dark places we all go from time to time to retreat to or from places remembered or those wishing to be forgotten , memories of childhood crisp and clear, memories of the feelings of first love and of first heart break, memories of joy and pain and days gone by and places rembered. Will I remember you? the question is not if but how?

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    1. Daughter’s Girl Scout troop sings this at the end of each meeting. They also have a cross-your-hands-over thing they do that then involves spinning around to open the circle. It’s rather dear.

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  7. Too funny that you ask this question this morning, dear Doctor. My mother has an interesting habit of sending along news clippings about people I might remember, as they now live back in the same area I grew up in.

    Today we got a package and sure enough, there was the obit of the mother of a girl I went to kindergarten with. I remember nothing about this mother, but I do remember the daughter had a real knack for getting me in trouble in ways that are etched with great precision and detail into my memory.

    Being cursed with such a good memory, I would say yes, in some cases, dear Doctor, it is just fine for auld acquaintances to never be brought to mind.

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  8. Just about the most helpful writing on friendship I’ve ever happened upon is (paraphrasing) that
    some people enter our lives for a “reason” then leave; others enter for a “season”, then move on; a few special ones enter and stay a lifetime. This concept has helped me immensely, especially when I’ve had seasonal visitors. My cancer journey involved a whole circle of seasonal folks. Had I interpreted their presence in my time of need as “lifetime” friends, it likely would’ve been hurtful when they faded away as I recovered.

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  9. There are a couple of old friendships that I wish I could forget because their memory is so painful.

    Like Jim, I wish I had a better memory for names. Sometimes I run into someone whom I know I should remember, and who clearly remembers me, but I’m at a loss for a name. It isn’t because I like or dislike this person at all – it’s simply because my gray cells didn’t hang onto that tidbit of information. It’s embarrassing and makes me obsess on this memory deficit for hours.

    On the whole, I think it’s good to remember as many people as possible. Each person is valuable and in your life, however briefly, for a reason. Their various insights and reactions to life can inform and instruct us in our own lives. The people we have known help to make us wholly who we are. I don’t know if I’m making sense – I’m just trying to recognize the value of each relationship.

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    1. I often find myself wondering why it is that I can be in conversation with someone, know all sorts of details about them, but name? not a clue.

      But then there are people I never really knew that well, have no real interest in reconnecting with or interacting with, and their name just pops right into my head, appropo of nothing.

      I suspect faulty brain-wiring and crossed wires.

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  10. In a small town, like Clarks Grove, older residents can remember a time when everyone living there knew each other. That’s not the case now. Almost everyone will wave at you when they drive by or when you drive by them even if they don’t know you. Mostly, I think they are just being friendly. I sense another element to all of this waving. I think some people are afraid that you will think they are trying to ignore you if they don’t wave. I believe there are those who think that If you are a person who doesn’t always wave, you are not a friendly person and not a very good member of the community. In some ways small towns are very friendly places and in some ways they are not and only pretend to be friendly.

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  11. Like MiG, I frequently find myself in conversation with folks that I know – I can remember details like how I know them, whether or not they have kids, where they work, that they adopted a puppy last year – but a name? I got nothin’. I have trained a couple of friends (Husband is less good at remembering to offer this assist) to extend a hand and introduce themselves if they are with me and they can catch that I haven’t uttered a name after a couple of minutes – that way I just look rude for not making the introduction, but I do get the name of the person (so that i can forget it again for the next time).

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    1. Having only the s&h to help me in these situation (and I suspect he has a lot in common with your husband on this one, so no help there), I have adopted the straightforward, “forgive me, but I cannot remember your name”. Most folks are indeed very forgiving.

      I try to make up for it karmically by responding even when people call me Kristen, Christine, or (improbably, but it did recently happen), Martha.

      ok, I did not respond to Martha, but only because the person was not speaking directly to me, but calling across the room, and I had not clue one that it was me they were referring to.

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      1. I also will apologize for not knowing someones name, then ask them to tell me their name and that usually goes over okay.

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        1. That is so incredibly honest, Jim. I can only rise to that level of honesty on occasion. Where I cannot do it is in situations where the other person clearly knows me and expects me to know them. Ack! Then I usually fake it with a bland set of comments while I listen for clues to who they are. Last year I faked a conversation until I had a guess about who it was I was talking to, and then I ventured a dangerous question to help me smoke out their identity. With a sweet smile, I asked, “And how are the children?” (Note that I didn’t commit to number or gender with that way of wording it.) Wouldn’t you know, the person before me denied having any children whatever.

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        2. Dubious ploy at best. Reminds me of the man who had the same idea but used a different technique to smoke out the wanted information. “Remind me again,” he said, “how do you spell your name.” “Tim Jones” came the laconic answer.

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    2. I find that so many people have this problem that there’s almost a sense of relief when someone will admit to being bad with names and ask, especially when you’re talking with people in my age range.

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    1. Wonderful piece and the subtitles are appreciated. The interesting unconventional chording behind the voice inspired me to pick up my bedside guitar and give it a whirl. What a treat

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  14. I am pretty good at remembering, but every now and then I get stumped. When this happens, it is almost always when the person is “out of context”: someone I know at church but have never seen at the grocery store; someone I know from gymnastics, but have never seen anywhere except at the gym. I know that I know them, but I don’t know why. Unfortunately, I don’t usually get the “aha” recognition moment until about 10 minutes later!

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    2. I ran into my dentist once at Kowalski’s – totally out of context. Sadly, what was distintive about him was his shoes. I realized about 3 aisles over from where I had run into him who he was – and then was chagrined that it was because of the shoes.

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    3. Yes, that is exactly my problem. I’ll see somebody I know from the Ag department at a college concert and I cannot figure out who they are.
      Couple years ago I saw a guy at a restaurant that I never did place.

      At elections when I’m working the registry book I tell people “I recognize you but I can’t remember your name”.
      It’s kinda like the wedding reception line; eyes glazed over and people are just a blur. Or was that the Ouzo?

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    1. tim, I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to get here. I get a list of Sarah McLachlan videos, none of which I can access. A little help, please.

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    2. Isn’t it nice to get those reassurances that you have done something right as a parent? Good on Teenager – and good on you for raising her right.

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  21. Great music today, baboons!

    Nothing intelligent to add, really. I think it would be fun sometime to ask that person (that you should know the name of) – “Who the heck are you?”

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        1. Are you familiar with that place down near Harriet Island – All Appliance? They have a scratch-and-dent room where the prices can be pretty low. Looks are less of a priority for a laundry appliance than a kitchen one.

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