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Stovepipe Hat

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Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Lincoln_hat

Hey Mr. C.,

For my history class I had to go see the movie “Lincoln”, and I thought it was kinda good for what it was – a lot of old people in heavy clothes walking around in the dark, talking.

Anyway, my teacher, Mr. Boozenporn, said I should remember it because it’s the history of our country and it belongs to everybody.

Besides, he said, Daniel Day-Lewis is going to get an Oscar because he was the best Lincoln ever – even more Lincoln-y than Lincoln himself. I thought that was a weird thing to say, but how do you measure Lincoln-ness? With Lincoln Logs?

One thing I noticed from old pictures in our history books at school – Lincoln looked kinda stupid in that tall stovepipe hat, and Daniel Day-Lewis looked stupid in it too. So maybe that’s all the proof you need to know they are the same guy. Too bad, though, that Lincoln got stuck with that dumb hat as his “brand”. I’m guessing he owned other nice things that would have made classier trademarks for him, but if history even takes the time to remember you I guess you have to just accept what you get.

I wonder if the Stovepipe Hat is ever going to make a comeback. Lots of fashion trends do, but that one might not make it. It’s hard to get a large hat like that into a small space, like in a car. But I thought it was cool that Lincoln kept some letters and speeches in there, and maybe that’s where Daniel Day-Lewis tucked his script. I know he’s a great actor, but that’s kind of a cheat if he was able to do that.

Maybe the Stovepipe Hat would come back if there was a way to stick your smartphone in there. Or better yet, have your smartphone project its images and videos and stuff on to the hat itself. Cool! If I could walk down the halls of Wendell Wilkie High School streaming the movie “Lincoln” on the rounded barrel of my stovepipe hat, I’d wear one!

But then everybody else would stream THEIR favorite movies on THEIR hats, and people would get caught up in the action and they’d wind up bumping into each other and falling down the stairs, probably.

Lawsuit! Oh, well. It was a good idea while it lasted.

Anyway, one thing the Lincoln movie taught me is that it doesn’t matter how boring you are – Steven Spielberg could probably make a pretty good film about your life, and Daniel Day Lewis could definitely play you – even if you’re a woman or a little kid. But every day when you get dressed, you should ask yourself – Would these clothes look good on the big screen? That’s why I think I need to up my game in the wardrobe department. Based on where I am right now, any movie made about me is going to come out looking like Napoleon Dynamite. I’ve got too many t-shirts!

Your pal,
Bubby

What advice would you give the actor playing you in the movie about your life?

88 thoughts on “Stovepipe Hat”

  2. Oh my. I can’t imagine anybody making a movie of my life…. it’s litle frightening actually. But if somebody took on this thankless task, I would tell the actor to go to the thrift shop and purchase a big bag of 10-year old clothes, sink all your cash into a century-old house and find yourself an energetic teenager who will keep you up at night. That would really help you “get into” my life!

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      2. Couple years back I was forced to get a new library card. I tried to explain that I had my number memorized and I didn’t want a new one. They were relentless. I had to turn in my old light blue card for a red one (the last of the “Minneapolis” cards). Now I have the red number memorized. If they make me trade that for a Hennepin County one I’m going on a hunger strike.

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  4. Good morning. Someone who knows me says she will keep her thoughts to herself about how I should be portrayed in a movie. Of course, this person probably thinks the person playing me should be very smart, handsome, and talented, right?

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      3. References Steve’s post last week re his eyes current less than ideal status , sounds like old Boston baby bull terrier eyes got it cleared up

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      1. Twinkies? Maybe even home made Twinkies? If there are Twinkies I’ll try really hard to get everything done today so I can make it tomorrow…(not that I need extra incentive to spend time with you lot).

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        1. I don’t think there will be a lot of discussion on the deeper meaning f what twinkles really mean steve
          It was more about how soybeans are king

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        2. Steve — what tim said. Interesting book but I don’t think anyone will be lost in any discussion if they didn’t read it. Come!

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    3. I’m afraid I won’t make it unless a relative who’s scheduled to visit cancels. (We can always hope.)

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  8. Those times when I appear to be out of my head and extraordinarily cranky? That’s not me. It’s an alien. You can skip those parts. Go right to the parts where you can sit on the sidewalk and draw with chalk or build a fort in the living room with your kid. If a soupcon of verisimilitude is needed, make sure not of your jeans fit quite right. Ever.

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  9. I definitely suggest to the actress playing me that they keep in mind they are only playing me, they don’t have to actually BE me-that should make it easier.

    As far as wardrobe is concerned, that should be pretty easy-just wear what is given to you, don’t even try to figure out what you would like to be wearing.

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  11. Anyone who would portray me would have to be prepared to play a person full contrasts-someone who engages in excessive activity punctuated with episodes of extreme torpor. Today is one of the more torporous days. Going to the public library to check out a few Sue Grafton novels I have heard mentioned. I will have to use husband’s library card, as I have no idea where mine is and I am so full of torpor that I don’t want to put in the energy to apply for a new one.

    OT-today we have a flock of orangish Cross Bills at the feeders. They are huge and colorful.

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      1. We have two large blue spruces in the front yard, so i think they eat from the cones. We also fill our feeders with nuthatch/woodpecker food, which has lots of nuts in it (pistachios, peanuts, sunflowers, etc.) This is only the second year we have noticed the cross bills. Ponderosa Pines do pretty well here and are planted in all the parks.

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  13. Greetings! Whoever would be so unlucky to have to play me in my life (I think Sigourney Weaver would be a close approximation of me!) has to be ready for major monotony punctuated with dramatic financial downfalls. Not a role for the weak of heart, to be sure.

    We did see “Lincoln” last weekend and it is stunning. A long list of venerable actors in this one (disguised with long hair, beards, wigs, period costumes, etc.). Daniel Day-Lewis was nothing short of amazing — the movie will undoubtedly sweep the Oscars in my mind.

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    2. To put it another way, I would advise any prospective film company that their production should lean heavily on those rumors of steamy interludes with super models and that spine- tingling secret operation for the CIA.

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  15. If it are to cover my whole life, be prepared to make a lot of changes – in location, careers, body sizes… Go from teacher to secretary to preschool teacher to messenger to city desk person to produce worker to student to bookseller to office admin. to bookkeeper to organizer to bookseller again, with mother and folk dance teacher thrown in on the side. Wardrobe similar to VS ‘ … also goes through several stages, from preppy to hippie to uber casual – designed for comfort, with blue jeans always at the center.

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  16. i was in my hat guys shop the other day and saw a top hat it was collapsable not beaver like abes and we discussed how wonderful the old beavers were. i have seen them.even had an english teacher throw one of mine out in jr high as a protest to my wearing hats in school i told her it was a hundred year old beaver and she said she felt bad but it was gone. i saw a pair of beaver hats on ebay that will be up for sale tomorrow or the next day. it is a hope that i will end up with this pair. one is a top hat the other a fedora , both with long beaver felt left on as was the style in the late 1800’s early 1900’s. ill update you after the fact. i love that abe found his brand with a bad hat and a bad beard. he was pretty boring without those memorable physical cues for the folks of the 1860’s when voice and frequency of exposure from media were not part of the program.

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  17. Maybe someone going to the book club will read this before going. I’ve decided to stay home. I think the next books are two I suggested (Out of Africa and West With the Night). I will attend that one, of course, and I *think* I am physically able to host a gathering at my home. That gives me two months to clean up my place, which should be possible.

    My reason for not going? (I wonder how often people tell little lies on these pages.) I’m afraid of gatherings in this flu season. With my health issues, flu could be dangerous. Sorry. 😦 Enjoy yourselves!

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    1. Hey Steve – I will carry the message for you. In fact, I still have the piece of paper with your titles on them from last time. And don’ worry about your reasons… I think a worry about flu this month is more valid than not having read the book. I went to a meeting of my book club a few years back, having checked the movie out from the library instead of reading the book!

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      2. Thanks verily sherrilee! Maybe I should feel embarrassed to be so fearful about this flu thing, but I’m actually not the least bit apologetic. We had a family Christmas gathering during a bad flu season about twenty years ago, and every adult present caught flu. For my mother, whose health was quite frail, it was fatal.

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        1. Steve, you’re probably a lot more at risk in the doctor’s waiting room, isn’t that where you are among all the sick people?

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    3. Steve, I am keeping my lupus-bedeviled wife isolated right now for exactly that reason. Things like this flu are what kills you when you have lupus. She almost died from a similar bug last summer. We skipped an important funeral yesterday, no church today, no visits to the mall. We may do PT tomorrow. But she has cabin fever. Oh, how she has cabin fever.

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      1. Clyde, I’ve been thinking of you and Sandy in this context. I have assumed that you are bypassing activities that would expose her to flu. In a way, it is good to hear she has cabin fever, for that is a spirited response to things. Good luck to both of you.

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        1. OT- sort of. Lucy Kaplansky recently posted on her FB page the question of whether or not to get the flu vaccine. I was astounded by the response. I have always had the vague notion that those who opposed vaccination were some sort of crackpots, but decided to do some further investigation, and now I’m not so sure. Here’s a link to a very interesting video:
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03K2ONrFiYc

          I’d be interested in other baboon reactions to this. Are we all being bamboozled by big pharma?

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        2. I am strong anti flu person. Haven’t done a shot or had my kids do one in 25 years since I have gotten into homeopathic voodoo. The odds onflu vs adverse reaction are close enough to even ill pass.

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        3. You can count me among the anti-flu and all vaccine shots — despite the propaganda that passes for science, they are mostly bogus. The idea seems logical, but in practice is not. There are many doctors against vaccinations. Dr. Joseph Mercola’s site http://www.mercola.com has several excellent articles that give an explanation of how they are flawed. For third party, objective science and research on vaccines, you can see what they have at the National Vaccine Information Center site at http://www.nvic.org. Vaccines are huge business and billions of dollars, so I always view that research with a skeptical eye until I see who paid for it and who gets the benefit from it. I’ve never had a flu shot and I don’t get the flu – maybe 1 cold if I’m not careful during the winter. 5000 IU of Vitamin D daily is the best defense against all attacks on your immune system, as well as homeopathics (as Tim mentioned), and healthy diet, etc., etc. If your immune system is already compromised, a vaccine might be helpful.

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        4. Thank you, PJ for that excellent video. I finally viewed the whole thing — Gary Null is my hero and brings to light many important facts about our medical system, not just vaccines. His extremely organized, factual and passionate command of the facts in that hearing is well worth viewing and should be seen by all Americans before they blindly believe their doctors. I will repeat this fact: the leading cause of death in the U.S. is our own health care system. There are many things we do well, but there so very many other things harm and injure patients.

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    4. A book to suggest to one and all and maybe the book club, which I bet at least one on here has read: “Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet” by Jamie Ford. About a Chinese bman who in sixth grade lived through the evacuation of the Japanese-Americans in Seattle, including his Japanese girl friend/girlfriend. The Chinese and the Japanese areas of town were and are right next door. I stumbled on it but love it because he is very specific about that part of Seattle, which is very near where our son and d-i-l now live. I follow him through town on Goggle Maps. But I would read the book for itself anytime. My kind of book.

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        1. I’m almost afraid of posting here. This is the third time that I’m aware of the posts have been scrambled, i.e. appeared below the name of someone who didn’t post it. In this case, I responded to a post that appeared to be from tim when, in fact, it was apparently from Clyde. Go figure! My sentiment remains the same, it’s a book worth reading.

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  19. Advice about work: Do it. If not for the money because it gives you something in common to talk about on a date.

    Advice about dating: Be aware that only 1 in 6 men is not an a-hole. (I read this on the internet.) Be prepared to go out with 7-12 men before you meet someone you want to go out with a second time. Double that number if you live in So. Dakota.

    Advice about travel: Go places where people you know live and will let you stay with them for free. Offer them the same in return. (You’ll be surprised how few people take you up on this.)

    Advice about religion: Attending church twice a month is plenty and tithing was invented for rich people who hate themselves.

    Advice about cats: You can never love them up too much and they enjoy naps as much as you do.

    Advice about children: It’s okay to help them financially well into adulthood. What goes around comes around. Someday they’ll all chip in on your casket.

    Advice about entertainment: You don’t need cable to watch good television. Cases in point – Downton Abbey and daughter’s HBO Go password.

    Advice about shopping: Life is too short to deprive yourself a designer handbag or eyeglass frames. With any luck your lawyer son will buy them for you.

    Advice about exercise:
    Do it. It will give you something else in common to talk about with the 1 in 6 man you finally meet.

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