A new data-crunching effort has examined thousands of mammal measurements (including ours) to conclude that everything from elephants to Lindsay Lohan sprang from a common Hypothetical Placental Mammal Ancestor. The numbers suggest this happened sometime after the demise of the non-flying dinosaurs, when the coast was clear at last for our stompable forebears to gain a foothold rather than being flattened in a footprint.
There seems to be a lot of excitement and chatter about this latest bit of evolutionary news, as if it is some kind of a surprise. I, for one, have always known that at least one of my relatives was a furry, bug eating, shrew – not quite a rat but definitely more kick-ass than a mouse.
Several fit that description, actually. No need to name names.
But of course all this is still controversial, and will remain so for thousands, maybe millions of years. Or until the next major asteroid provides a clean slate for another robust species to start its journey from dining on available insects to computer-assisted speculation about the family tree.
But just in case this turns out to be true, we should take advantage of our position in time to be the first to write a greeting to our freshly imagined progenitor – the Hypothetical Placental Mammal Ancestor.
Here are three, in haiku form:
Oh shrew-like fur ball
Good thing you ditched the long tail
Before there were doors.Hypothetical
Is a bad first name for one
lacking confidence.Mother of us all
Eating a bug for the team
It tastes like chicken.
Send a greeting to our H.P.M.A.
Trail Baboon 
Our ancestor
The first placental
Was a shrew
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I knew my inlaws
Came from an unspoken place
Now I understand
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Oh, how it pains me
To admit that I saw this
In realtime childhood
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🙂 And so early in the morning!
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I, too, watched Mickey.
All the characters have tails.
Will Mickey evolve?
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Rise and Shine Baboons!
Here we thought we were Great Apes
But no, anteaters.
I have always known
My beloved brave Mother
was partly badger.
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http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2013/02/08/is_a_franken-bachmann_showdown_on_the_horizon_116953.html
A real possibility to contemplate–all of Minnesota will become an SNL sketch for years!
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Placental mammal,
Could you be the ancestor
Of both Franken and Bachmann?
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Snort!
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A very warm greeting
To placental ancestor
In theory our kin
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Perhaps Will Shakespeare
Was less than perfect when he
Cast Kate as a shrew
Little, fierce, furry
An adaptable critter
Forebear of few words
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Shrew-like ancestor, seeking
Food, warmth, safety, knows
Nothing of apes yet to come.
Coiled in its genes: pyramids,
Vaccines and sonnets,
Twelve-string guitars…and H-bombs.
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Nice, very nice. 🙂
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Superb, Crow Girl.
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Bravo
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I love the long tail.
What purpose did it serve you?
Should we mourn its loss?
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Reminds me of my uncle Herman. No Aunt Mabel or Aunt Nellie.
OT update: we have the key to and the right to move into the apartment across the hall. My mind will be there much of the next many days. And my wife has a bad cold. I have to fight to keep her from overdoing.
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Take it easy (if that’s possible). I hope you’re getting a lot of help and that your wife is willing to observe rather than participate.
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If you call it supervising, would she be more amenable to taking it a little easier?
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All that have placentas
Have evolved from a shrew
How can that be true?
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this evolution
makes me think of ancestors
uglier than me
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I’m way too stressed out
to make my syllables rhyme
even for forbears
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Kind of OT. I’m rereading The Earth Abides this week – and really enjoying it. Interesting view of what might happen if most of mankind were wiped out suddenly. Cultural evolution in reverse, as it were.
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Shrew heart beats so fast
60 pulses per second
Buzz that brought us life
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ABD is me…Anna
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Slowly we have crept
From that long time relative
Now to blog each day.
OT:
Now we are back home
Memories of palm trees fade
Snow is on the ground.
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We used to gather.
And on occasion we’d hunt.
Now we must shovel.
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I think “hypothetical” is an appropriate thing to append to certain people’s job titles (as in “Hypothetical Congresswoman”, “Hypothetical Minority Leader”, etc.). It imparts a skepticism that is otherwise hard to express.
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Yes, and there are times those hypothetical people in Washington are only bring us a hypothetical government or not even that.
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It could also go beyond the political. As in, “Hypothetical store manager, my dissatisfaction does not seem to resonate with you.” Or, “Hypothetical security guard, I do not understand your objection to my presence in this public space.” I could think of many situations where some careful examination could be brought to bear.
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Our hypothetical ancestor has evolved into many other hypotheticals. Evolutionary scientist have a lot work to do regarding these hypotheticals.
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