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State of the Euphemism

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Today’s guest post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing all the water surface area in the State of Minnesota.

Beechly Ice shark copy

Greetings, Constituents!

Tonight marks the umpteenth time I will have attended the President’s annual State of the Union address.

Many times I have wondered about the appropriate way to behave in such an historic setting, and each time I come away with the feeling that I’ve somehow missed the boat. I sit when I should stand. I stand up when I should remain seated. It’s very confusing. Then as soon as the president is done speaking, the word spinning starts and when I look at my newspaper the next morning I’m surprised to see what the speech was really about, even though I was there!

As your congressman, I try not to be starstruck by all the famous people. They’re completely ordinary – right up to the president himself! A lot of Representatives will fall all over themselves anyway, jockeying to be on the aisle so they can shake his hand as he goes by and possibly get their picture in the paper. I can assure you – you won’t see me making such a spectacle out of myself. I don’t have the seniority to get that close to the aisle. And anyway, I’m not some giddy teenager. I’ve been to the dance a few times now.

Tonight, I expect the president will make a strong case for his proposed new policy on guns. He’ll present it as a measure to improve safety for our most vulnerable citizens, and his opponents will fight him on the grounds that holding powerful firearms insures the safety of those who disagree with a vindictive and too-powerful government.

Some people would say these differences can’t be bridged, but I say “Hey, at least they agree that everyone is threatened to the point of needing to take deadly action against a stranger!” That’s a start, even if it’s make-believe. Perhaps somewhere down that contentious road they will find a compromise. Or settle it with a shoot out at twenty paces. In a violent culture, anything is possible!

I, for one, don’t care much about guns. I just hope the president doesn’t listen to his power hungry advisors who want him to extend his safety compulsion to fishing lures. That’s a touchy subject for me and my constituents. A rumor went around the other day that he was going to require that everyone use Safety Lures – not just children.

That’s insane! Imagine not only the expense but the great inconvenience for people like myself who already have a tackle box full of pointy things! All I can say, is, the president can have my exposed-hook lure when he is willing to pull the rusty barb out of my cold, dead finger.

And if he’s willing to do that, it means he’s probably in my boat with me. Imagine, me and the president, fishing!

I hope he’ll have a few beers and spend the afternoon!

Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

Name a safety measure or device that has spared you some amount of pain.

70 thoughts on “State of the Euphemism”

  3. Good morning. Here is something I didn’t do after reading about the correct safety procedures. I had considered offering a grain bin checking service to farmers. When I found out about the safety equipment needed and the need to have an extra employee available to help me I decided not to do it. I guess I also displayed some of the cowardice that Clyde mentioned when i learned about the potential dangers of walking around on top of the grain in grain bins.

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    1. I knew a guy in Willmar who happened to come along a farm just when the farmer disappeared into a huge silo filled with grain. He was down in the grain to his shoulders, and any tiny movement threatened to cause him to go deeper or make the grain shift so as to smother him. But this fellow discovered him and joined him in the grain while hanging on to a rope. The farmer kept crying, “We’re gonna die! We’re both gonna die!” The helper just said, “We’re not gonna die, dammit. Grab this rope and shut up.” And they got out.

      That night the helper’s wife noticed his clothes were dusty and asked him about it. “Aww, I’m sorry about that. Had to help some fool out of a silo today.”

      So, yes, Jim, grain bins are dangerous.

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      1. Also, it isn’t easy to get a person out when they get catch in the grain. They are hard to pull out. There must have been several people who came to the rescue of the two people you mentioned, Steve. I understand that two guys holding onto a rope would not be able to get out on their own and probably would need more than one person to help them get out.

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    2. Moving grain will swallow you up fast. People are killed every year when they get trapped in a bin being unloaded. Or a crust forms on the top so they get in to break up the crust, then get trapped when it does break.
      You won’t sink in grain if it’s not moving… it’s not like quick sand.
      I used to measure grain bins when I worked for the ASCS office (part of the Department of Ag. ‘Agricultural Stabilization and Conservation Service’. There’s mouth full. Now it’s called FSA- Farm Service Agency). I Loved climbing up bins and enjoying the view.
      I tried to make it a habit of pounding on the side of the bin as you crawled up to make sure there wasn’t a crust up there. However since a crust only forms if the grain is spoiled — and part of the reason I was there was to insure the grain was in good condition.
      The safety device I needed was the day the ladder fell over while I was in the bin. I tried to get the farmers dog to run for help but he was no Lassie; he just sat there and looked at me. It wasn’t that high; maybe only 12′ or 15′. I was able to get a foot hold part way down, then jump the rest of the way.

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  6. There have been a few times that the overflow drain in the bathtub has saved me considerable pain after I had gone off to do something or other and forgotten that I had the water running.

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  8. Back when I carved, there were a few good safety methods and devices that kept me from most harm. wearing a leather apron, a leather thumb sleeve on my left (knife hand), various kinds of gloves for my holding hand, keeping the knife very sharp, other devices that would take some explanation, such as a bench hook. But it was my rule that if I did nor bleed on it, it was not a real carving. Now as we are moving and look at all the carvings to be gathered up and moved across the hall, I wonder how much blood I did shed in all those kicks, stabs, and slices. My current carving safety device is to nor carve.

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      1. I told Sandy that I think the carvings, especially the Santas, are propagating during the night. There are, depending on how you count the chess set (as 1 or 33 items) about 170 carvings, mostly Santas, and shore bird decoys. It would work better to photograph them set up rather than in transition. We have a cabinet to hold many of the Santas. I will do a post on my blog in a week or two.

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        1. I dated a woman who had between 200 and 300 carved wooden Santas on skis. I thought I had learned a lesson when I realized she wasn’t the best match for me. But then I got tangled up with a woman who made aroma therapy soap, and that was no better.

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  9. Every year at this time I purchase an important safety device, but it has to be exactly the right one. This year I am having trouble finding that right one. And I only have two days to find it.

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  10. I think the best safety device is the policy to get someone else to do the dangerous work. I hope that all the safety devices are working just fine on the airplanes I will board tomorrow. Lots to do today to get ready to take off tomorrow.

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    2. i am just the opposite and hae a broken foot and shoulder to prove your idea is correct. i will never ask anyone to do work too dangerous for me to attempt myself. on the two mentioned occasions i was doing the dirty work because i didnt want to ask my worker bees to do the work tht appeared on the dangerous side. it was i took the brunt of the consequences and i run funny because of it.
      did you decide to buy the cirque tix or play it differently. rainy thursday morning broing your mac.
      https://www.google.com/search?q=weather+in+london+uk&rlz=1C1AFAB_enUS520US520&aq=f&oq=weather+in+london+uk&aqs=chrome.0.57j0l3j62.5661&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

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      4. Sometimes I have to explain to people that I am not a cutter, since I am heedless of the danger when taking things out of the oven, and my forearms bear the scars of countless burns gotten while removing pastries and other assorted backed goods and casseroles from the oven.

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    3. I worked in a factory where there were lots of fork lifts. I even was given training to drive one. In plants like the one I worked in the most important fork lift safety rule was to stay out of their way. You will not last long as a fork lift operator if don’t drive around at a high rate of speed and expect everyone on foot to stay clear of you. I only lasted one night as fork lift operator in a production area.

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      1. Short-sighted, ‘penny-wise, pound-foolish’ management style. Harp on production to go too fast and then bust their chops when an accident happens that will drive up insurance premiums. Or pressure/bully the injured worker into not getting worker’s comp by telling them that ‘the company doesn’t carry worker’s comp insurance on you’ or ‘the statute of limitations on your claim ran out.’ Seen some people get really, really mistreated over the years…

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        1. Workers’ Comp. is mandatory insurance; all employees have to be covered. How can an employer claim not to cover someone?

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        2. Because most folks don’t know, don’t understand, and some really bad employers instill the fear that they’ll be fired.

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  12. After almost taking off a chunk of my thumb, I have become a big fan of the blade guard on table saws. They can get in the way at times, but better that than losing digits. A corollary piece of safety equipment: a “push stick” for getting the wood past the blade if the strip between blade and the fence is narrow. If you are unsure about the utility of these things, ask me the story about how it came to be that the first aid kit was finally refilled/replaced in the scene shop in college…(another important piece of safety equipment I learned to use in college: a hair binder to keep long hair away from anything that spins.)

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    1. Does anyone remember that guy a few years ago who invented a device you could install onto any table saw which would stop the blade in a fraction of a second if it encountered any object? The infomercial showed him using hot dogs to prove its efficacy. The idea never got off the ground, however, because people’s learned fear of such an accident overrode their confidence that this would actually work in real life.

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        1. This is what I insisted we have in the college shop. And it’s a well built saw in the first place.
          Haven’t had to use the safety mechanism yet. I did have one false trip and then one trip because I didn’t get the clearance set right when I changed the blade.

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      2. There is a pretty good market for the ‘Saw Stop’ brand. Lots of them in use especially in schools. The inventor ran into trouble because he wanted EVERY saw manufacturer to use it but didn’t want to put it in the public domain. (Is that the right phrase? He insisted on a hefty payment to use his technology. For right or wrong-). And converting this to work on band saws or miter saws was a little more tricky.

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  13. Morning all. The only thing I can think of is the child safety seat. We got rear-ended twice when the Teenager was still the Baby and I remember being very glad she was protected.

    There might be others, but my memory only seems to be pulling up the times when I ignored a safety device and paid the price. Way too many of those!

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    1. But those are the more interesting stories.
      1. Device preventing something from happening. Meh (not that today’s posts have been meh).
      2. Not using device causing something to happen. Fascinating.

      So share on.

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  14. I’m accident prone and, while I haven’t had a worker’s comp claim, people I work with seem aware that accidents reach out to me.

    I was cutting up boxes for recycling at my former job when the Regional Manager (heap big mucky-muck) walked in. I was using a typical gray box cutter tool with a blade that you could retract by pulling it back with your thumb. A week or two later he brought over a new, yellow safety knife with a blade that retracts the instant you let go. You have to use your thumb to continually push the blade forward. It’s very safe, but sort of a pain to use.

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  15. I’m afraid when it comes to small-ish electrical repairs, I lack Clyde’s cowardice safety device. I cannot wait to rush in where angels fear to tread. You unscrew this, replace it with a new that and Bob’s your uncle. Well, usually. Mostly. Which color screw goes on which wire again?

    I am very grateful for the modern breaker box that resides reassuringly in my basement.

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  17. Afternoon–
    Maybe the safety device is working so well you didn’t know it saved your life??
    There’s so many that have probably saved my life; even the simple grounding plug on an outlet. Tractor PTO guards and shields, seat belts, air bags, safety glasses (more than once the safety glasses have saved an eye injury).

    Here’s a roller coaster safety video narrated by Patrick Warburton.
    http://preview.tinyurl.com/6xgs3sg

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  18. OT I will be at the Landscape Arboretum coordinating a seed swap on Friday afternoon and Saturday morning. I am doing it as part of the Sustainable Farming Assoc. Conference and the swap is also open to visitors to the Arboretum that are not attending the conference. Anyone is welcome visit the swap and pick up of some samples of seeds produced by seed savers if they want to try them. There will be several seed savers, including me, at the tables where the swap will be held in the visitor center. It starts at 12:45 on Friday and at 10:30 on Saturday.

    Here is video just sent to me about seed saving in India that has back ground music by my son-in-law, Zack, and the Orange Mighty Trio:

    Video by Perennial Plate, which uses 2 OMT pieces. It is about seed saving efforts in India:

    Daniel Klein is from the Twin Cities but he’s traveling around the
    world doing videos now.

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  19. The mechanism that makes the automatic garage door go back up when it hits something in its path… Would have had my foot mashed a bunch of times, I imagine. Of course, since I know it’s there, I’m not as careful as I would be without it.

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