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Ask Dr. Babooner

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Ann_Landers baboon 2

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’m a very well-known actor who, for good reason, is adored. I aways play the hero. My legions of fans worship me for my great good looks, admire me for my superlative storytelling skill and love me for my homespun decency and my everyman personality.

Years ago, a lousy agent I had told me to draw the line at SEEMING approachable. If I let people ACTUALLY get close, she said, they would soon learn that I am a self-absorbed, small-minded husk of a human being who is incapable of empathy and doomed to wander the Earth searching for my own reflection in every fetid pool.

I fired her of course. No one can talk to ME that way!

But now a video has surfaced on the internet that clearly shows me insulting and pushing a very old woman who got in my way at a custard stand. She was dithering over what type of sprinkles to get on the cones she was buying for her grandchildren. The children weren’t even nearby – they were cowering on the other side of the room! I asked her to hurry up and she just stood there, squinting at the choices like she couldn’t see them. I used a louder voice and a more urgent tone and she did nothing – acting like she couldn’t hear, either. So I shoved her out of the way and placed my order. When she complained I said “Do you know who I am? You’re about to find out!”

Boy did she ever! Our video spread like dandelions on steroids and now our names are linked in headlines that are splashed across every handheld device in America. She’s known everywhere as a victim who showed uncommon grace under pressure, and of course I’m already famous for being awesome!

Friends tell me I should apologize to her for being a rude bully but I think she should thank me. I made her a star! The blogs say I’ve been exposed as a socially stunted fraud but I think I was just putting a shine on my “everyman” credentials. Most folks feel impatient when they’re stuck in line behind a slow old person. People will realize this if they examine their feelings honestly. I just let my very ordinary reaction leak out – an unusual (for me) lapse. There’s no way I’m “insensitive.”

And besides, those children didn’t need to have dessert. They’re fat!

With Characteristic Sincerity,
America’s Favorite Famous Actor Boy, Loved Everywhere

I told A.F.F.A.B.L.E. he needs to re-assess his imagined status as America’s Mr. Sweetchunks. The public is fickle and it relishes making a quick turn against anyone with privilege caught taking himself too seriously. A fawning apology, followed by major acts of contrition and a sizable donation to a deserving charity might start to undo the damage, but the road to redemption is long and rocky.

Or, he could just specialize in playing villains from here on out.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

20 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Babooner”

  2. Good morning. AFFABLE, you probably don’t need to do anything. In fact, you should be glad that you are getting so much publicity even if it is negative. There is a whole industry built around the spreading of negative information about well know actors and other people. If you were a politician this kind of publicity might hurt you. However, actors are more or less expected to “act up”. How do we know that you didn’t stage the incident at the custard stand as a publicity stunt?

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  3. When you hang out with other self-important boobs, it starts to seem normal to behave badly and expect the world to revolve around you. Get over it. Remember what your mother might have said – if all your friends jumped off a bridge (no fair using a bungee) would you, too? If the answer to that is, “yes,” then clearly you missed some life lessons early on. If you listened to your mother (or other wise adults in your childhood world), you would know that the answer should be “no.” Of course, if you had listened to your mother, you would also not push little old ladies.

    Now go to your room young man and think long and hard about what you did, especially on why it was not a good decision. (“Getting caught” was not the bad decision – pushing was – remember that.) Would you want someone to push your grandmother? I think not. When you have had a good long think and are ready to apologize, then you can come out. Until then, no custard for you.

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  4. Negative public opinion is like the Platte River, Affable. The Platte looks like a mighty river but is just “a mile wide and an inch deep.” That is, public opinion is fickle, silly and has a shockingly short memory. You can ride this out if you have any combination of good looks, money or talent.

    Your first challenge is to keep out of the public eye for a year or so to give people time to forget. If you just stay at home getting high or drunk and are careful to make no public appearances, your name will lost its stigma.

    Then you stage the big comeback. Journalists will help you. They love reporting that a big star is actually a creepy SOB, but they are even more eager to report that a fallen star who was insufferably boorish has sobered up and become a saint. To make your comeback you only need to pick a cause and then pretend to care about it. If you have good looks, money or talent, you can easily find some cause that is championed by people who need money and/or publicity. It should be easy to convince journalists that you are sincere about this. They are shallow lushes who are too lazy to do real research. They love stories about how jerks become fine human beings. You don’t have to really care about anything or anybody but yourself. Hell, you’re a damned actor. Act. Pretend to be humble and chastised.

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    1. Think Sanford? How any man guilty of using state tax dollars to carry on an affair, abdicate his responsibility by disappearing, and then come back into office is simply incomprehensible. To me, it speaks volumes about the utter moral bankruptcy of that other party.

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  5. I find “Big fish in Little Ponds” amusing when they get into trouble. We have lots of those kind of fish here.

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    1. That’s what I was wondering. Is it spring fever? We have had a fairly warm spring day here which was a little too cloudy to really bring on a major case of spring fever. Perhaps it was even nicer in the Twin Cities causing many of the Baboons to take a day off from the Trail and enjoy the good weather.

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  8. No, I think they have all been arrested for various crimes, and are now arguing with the police saying “Don’t you know who I am? I am a highly respected Baboon and Trail member and Friend of Dale, and you will let me go if you know what is good for you!

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    1. Um yeah…though I won’t say what crime or where. Only that mentioning I was a Baboon got me an extra fine and an order to go see a psychiatrist. There may or may not have been poo flinging involved…

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  9. It’s just been a very busy day here, stuff scheduled from morning to night.

    OT: Robin, who was blogging here regularly for a while and peeks in occasionally, has broken her wrist a week or so ago; got this email from her today:
    can’t knit or garden… i can weed a little one-handed but i dont want to overwork the right hand either. Aaaaaargh! i guess i’ll have to let the garden go for the most part this summer. bill is already cooking and washing dishes and clothes etc. All of it. I’m so grateful to him! …
    It occurs to me that maybe we could do a Baboon Invasion at Robin and Bill’s similar to the one we did last spring at PJ’s. I have many of your email addresses, so I will be in touch.

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  10. I’ve been too busy even to lurk lately.
    I hate to be out of it but usually blogs like this refer to a real person/event and I have no idea who it is this time. If anyone knows and actually looks at this thread after this late hour, in could you fill me?

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