Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden, still of Wendell Wilkie High School.
Hey Mr. C,
My summer has been really awful because I still don’t have a real job and all the rain we had in the spring led to a huge crop of mosquitoes AND weeds, and since I’m not doing anything during the day anyway my mom told me I have to go clean out the garden while she’s at work.
Bummer. I’m getting chewed to bits!
I complained to my dad but he said I should take the energy I put into whining and use it to do something productive, even if I don’t get paid for it. When I said “Like What?” he surprised me by saying “Like starting a blog!”
I didn’t even know he knew what a blog was! But since he said I should do it I’m starting to think maybe he’s got a point. I mean, how hard could it be? All you do is sit down and write down the thoughts that come into your head, right? I mean, it doesn’t have to be good or planned out in any way – it’s just a blog. But if you’re an undiscovered genius (like me) then maybe a gazillion people will start to read it and comment on it, and then you’ll become a superstar and a millionaire and you’ve got it made because as a blogger you don’t have to learn anything at all, ever! You just have to spend a little time in front of a screen every day being you … which is really the only thing I’m good at, anyway.
So the more I thought about it, the more excited I got about my own blog. In fact, I got so excited I actually went to look at YOUR blog, and wow, was I surprised!
Even though it takes no effort at all to write a blog, you’ve set it up so you do less than nothing! And Mr. Boozenporn said that less than nothing is an impossible value that one day he subbed for Ms. Pye in math class. He stuck to that story until Destiny Carmichael pointed out that there are negative numbers, which is something he forgot about.
Anyway, it’s so cool that you have other people writing it for you! And based on what I picked up from reading what Anna, Jim, tim, Renee, Jacque, Steve, Joanne, Sherrilee, Barbara, Edith and Donna were saying, you didn’t pay them a thing. Which is really too bad, because they’re good writers!
How do you get away with that? Isn’t it illegal? And isn’t it wrong to have your name up there on the masthead saying “… by Dale Connelly” when it really isn’t by you at all and you don’t even tell people who the real author is until the very first line after they open the post and look at it? I’d be kind of ashamed, and you know I’m hard to embarrass! I’m thinking that makes you kind of lazy, and unethical, which is really exciting because that’s just what my dad called me when I got caught cheating on homework last year, which just proves that blogging is perfect for me! I can’t wait to get started!
Just one question. Is there a limit on the number of exclamation points you get to use? I hope not!
Your pal,
Bubby
I told Bubby there is nothing unethical about letting other people contribute posts for a blog, and there is also nothing to the popular myth that anybody can get rich and famous by writing one. Less than nothing, actually. I’m convinced the blog millionaires you read about are invented characters. Truth telling is not a very strong online value. In reality, having a blog is an obligation – like having a dog or a cat. You can get other people to take care of it every now and then, but regardless of who is doing the chores it needs attention every day. Or every other day, if it’s more like a hamster or a rat. And maybe every third day if it’s a goldfish. But if you’re less attentive than that, don’t be surprised if one day you go to write something for your blog and you find it floating upside down.
Write an apology to a pet you neglected.
Trail Baboon 
Good morning. Bubby, did you know that Dale edits the guest blogs which is a good thing and that does take some time and effort. I say Dale’s editing is a good because he is a good editor and I am learning to write a little better from his editing.
As for the apology to a pet, I apologize to all the pets I have had because I should have given all of them more attention. They have had to spend long hours laying around with nothing to do. That isn’t good. Sorry about that.
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I want to live as a pet at your house. Laying around with nothing to do? Maybe the radio on? Sounds good to me.
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That might workout okay for us, Jacque. We probably would not have any trouble with “accidents” in the house and I doubt that we would have to tell you to stop barking. Also, I think we could take you for a walk without using a leash.
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Hee hee!
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RISE AND SHINE BABOONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whaddya mean I don’t get paid? I was counting on that money. I was promised wealth and fame for doing this!!!! Oh, no. And while Dale was gone, I ordered an Intimida which has a price tag as large as the car. What if I can’t pay for it? Then what? Is there a repo truck big enough to haul it away? Wait, that’s in MY favor.
I am NOT writing a pet apology (Bootsy and Lucky you just have to wait for my apology for taking you to that crappy dog park in which Lucky was bitten by a delinquent black dog. I am sorry, but this is more important). I am organizing a Baboon Labor Union–A Babunion. Meet at my house tonight. Rather ththan painting protest signs, we will program our iPads and stage a virtual strike. Hmph.
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Um, welcome back Dale. Really, we did miss you.
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Jacque, I never thought I would say this. I might have to have to become a union buster if you get that union organized. I might even go over to the side of management and cross a picket line if there is one. I hope that I will not be subject to harassment if I cross a Babunion picket line.
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Does this mean you got the wealth, money, and maybe power that Dear Leader promised!!!!? (I am trying to max out the exclamation point limit on the Trail).
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Do you think that I have a special secret deal where Dear Leader has promised me great wealth, Jacque!!!!!!!!!!!!? How can you say that!!!? Am I already being subjected to harassment from the Babunion!!?
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Dear Leader offered me fame and attention – the fame of having my name in virtual in print is such a heady thing I lost sight of any opportunities for wealth. Hogging the spotlight is enough for me, it seems.
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Didn’t the Soviet’s have writer’s unions that provided food, drink, and fellowship? Perhaps we should lobby for those perks.
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According to the Glossary of Accepted Terms, we could be referring to Dear Leader as Alpha Baboon. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I really want to know if Word Press has a limit…
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“… a Babunion picket line” sounds vaguely Russian. And here we see that I have sewn dissent in the ranks by revealing that nobody got paid. This is the sort of argument that typically results when it’s revealed that those in the ranks are receiving whimsically unequal pay. But here – everybody’s taken advantage of in exactly the same way. What’s the beef?
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Right, we are all being paid equally and there is no point in asking for a raise. How can you ask for an increase when there are no wages. Even a a 100% increase would not help. !00% of nothing is nothing.
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why dont you simply double our pay . that should make everyone happy
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I can’t program my iPad because I don’t have one.
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Same here.
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Can we do it at Google hangout
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Lazy? Unethical? Gifted at getting people to work for no pay? Slippery with the truth? You should recognize, Bubby, that Dale has every quality needed to be a great editor!
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Steve. I believe you were an editor. Did you have some of those quality that you indicate are those of a great editor?
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My special distinction was my ability to get people to produce articles when we hadn’t paid them for the article they wrote eight months ago. I was proud of the way I could do that!
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I have heard that all journalists, no matter the implements they use, their level of experience or location on the planet, are united in the certain belief that their editor is an idiot.
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I would like to apologize to our Ginger, our big orange cat who we have had for 10 years, that it took until now for us to realize that his continual hurling was due in large part to intolerance to grain in his dry food. We recently bought some grain- free dry food and he hasn’t hurled since.
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Unless, of course, it is just a spurious correlation and he is playing cat and mouse with us!!!
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Gluten-free cat food what’s this world coming to?
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I apologize to all of the hamsters who found their way out of their cages when I was a kid and were then consumed by our dog. Your bid for freedom was, I’m sure, short lived. I can only hope that your death by collie-mix was swift. Also to the guinea pig who was fed rhubarb leaves before my mother realized they would kill you – my mom is really very sorry. She’s still feels bad about that almost 40 years later. We shortened your already short life by way of ignorance. Though frankly, if the rhubarb hadn’t gotten you, the dog might have…
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This reminds me to apologize to the parakeet that got eaten by the triumphant pug.
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Wow, I feel so honored that such an intelligent person as Bubby thinks I’m a good writer. Thanks for passing that on, Dale.
To Buster the cat: I’m sorry. You were such an affection junkie that you made me feel good just by all your purring and cuddling. And I repaid you by giving you to the humane society because I didn’t think I could handle having both a needy cat and a needy baby. I still feel bad about that, but I learned my lesson. When another cat came into my yard and decided to make me his person, I did not refuse, and if I have another baby, this cat is staying.
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Oh, dear.
“Blackie, I’m sorry I rolled you down the basement stairs instead of carrying you down as my mom asked. You’re the only dog I ever had, and even though I was 4, I knew better. At least I sang that little song to you…”
“Spocky, I’m sorry you were terrorized by The Cat. I guess I didn’t know much about how to treat a cockatiel, and it just didn’t occur to me that Charlie would think you were lunch. It was so much fun to let you run around on the kitchen floor…”
Welcome back, Dale!
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I’m sorry, Georgia, for laughing at you when you had thyroid surgery and had to have your neck shaved. I should have realized how traumatic it would be for a long-haired blonde to be so disfigured, even temporarily. You were right, of course, it wasn’t funny at all. I don’t blame you for hiding in the closet.
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Now I see what you all mean by WordPress eating your comments. How annoying.
To sum up, apologies to Hamlet (or Omelet) the hamster, Nellie the dog and son#2’s giant centipede.
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Greetings! Welcome back, Dale — I just might send you a bill for my blog, now that I think of it. 🙂
Anyway, my apologies to a dog we had (forgot the name). I think I forgot to tie up your leash in the kitchen, then you got out of the house, ran into the highway and got badly injured. I think I saw my dad crying as you were in pain and eventually died (how I’m not sure). So very, very sorry — although you should have known better than to run into the street, you know. Over 45 years ago, but I still remember. So sorry …
And all those goldfish that ended up down the toilet — I feel bad about those, too.
My deepest apologies to all the little white mice that we raised as food for the snake — although I let Jim do the dirty deed of stuffing you all into ziplock baggies in the freezer. I feel especially bad for Jim’s sister who was at our house one time and found the zip lock bags in freezer and totally freaked out. {Sigh} all those poor animals.
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