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A Little Light Opera

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When I decided to change the 20 year old lights hanging outside the house, I figured it would be a simple matter of unscrewing some things and twisting a few wires together.

After turning off the electricity, of course. Then – instant makeover!

The good news is – I was successful in turning off the electricity. The rest of it was an overly optimistic dream. I’ll spare you the gruesome details except to say when bolt holes and bolts don’t line up, one particularly useless strategy is to keep looking at the same pieces arranged in the very same configuration while hoping they’ll somehow change their shape between one glance and the next.

My half-hour project took 6 hours to complete thanks to my insistence that magic was the real answer.

In reality, success required the random discovery of a couple of spare connectors in a basement jar, my clever wife’s suggestion that I rotate one backing plate a quarter turn, and a frustration-fueled last-minute improvisation ignited, in part, by the certain belief that I was 20 minutes away from being devoured by late evening mosquitos.

Now the new lights are up and shining so harshly that squirrels scurrying over the driveway are cast in sharp relief against the house across the street. Our entire front yard is illuminated with that special compact fluorescent intensity that says “Go Away!” And because I’m intimately familiar with how these appliances are connected to the wall, I’m waiting for the first mild gust of wind to put them in the bushes.

In short, exactly the effect I was going for. Make-over complete!

Describe a recent project that took longer than you expected.

47 thoughts on “A Little Light Opera”

  1. Good morning. Projects that turn out to be more work than I anticipate are my specialty. The dripping facet, the toilet that will not flush properly, and changing a light switch, are just a few in a long list of projects that took too long. Here’s one that was finally completed a couple of weeks ago – the front steps.

    I tried to patch up the old steps and that didn’t work so they were replaced with some custom made wood steps. I decided the steps should get a coating of varnish. The varnish did not hold up so I had two more coats of the varnish applied. This also didn’t stand up to the weather and foot traffic.

    After many trips to paint stores I decided to order a very heavy duty finish for the steps. However, the varnish had to be sanded to accept the new finish. Some of the varnish came completely off and some wouldn’t come off easily. Finally, to get a uniform job of cleaning up the varnish, we removed all the varnish with sand paper. I tried some stripper but it was more work than sanding and the sanding was also way too much work. When we finally got all the varnish off we decided to leave the steps unfinished and canceled the order for heavy duty finish. Of course, I should never have put any finish on those steps at all.

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    1. perfect example jim. i have the same thing with paint on the side of the house. the house i bought had some special paint the previous owner hadfallen in love with and he forgot to tell me it needed to be maintained like a shoeshine. after a couple years i was too late to save it so i had to sand and paint the beautiful cedar beneath and now the cedar could easily be repainted twice a year without overdoing it.

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  2. Morning all. So, assuming the photos are chronological from left to right? The antique-looking light is the new one? Pretty.

    I live in a house that will be celebrating it’s centennial in 2 years. I gauge every project’s success by how few trips to the hardware store are involved. A one-trip project is a HUGE success, albeit very, very rare. Most projects are two-trippers and I do occasionally have a three-tripper. I can’t recall a four-tripper… if I’ve had one of these, I have successfully blocked it out. Am currently trying to figure out if I can finish the bathroom toilet repair without it becoming a three-tripper and I have to replace the dryer vent soon as well. It seems like a straightforward replacement, but that’s a sure sign that I’ll have to make two trips at least!

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    1. I am very lucky because we have a well stocked hardware store in the small town where I live. I usually need at least three trips to that store to complete a project and sometimes more. If you can usually get your projects done with two trips to the hardware, VS, you are way ahead of me on getting projects done efficiently.

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  3. I replaced an interior doorknob recently, and thought I needed all sorts of equipment, including a chisel. I couldn’t find a doorknob with the same mechanism as the old one, but after a couple of trips to the hardware store, I monkeyed around with the with the new doorknob and found that it was exactly like the old doorknob and was easy to replace. Now I have a lovely chisel.

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      1. Our Chokecherry tree has black knot, a fungal infection that has to be cut out of the tree whenever it erupts, and chiseled out of the trunk if it appears there. I am ready for any tree fungus with my new chisel.

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  4. Morning-
    Good job Dale. You had a retro look going with the old fixtures. They’re coming back in style; sand the rust off, paint them up, sell them to tim on ebay!

    Man, which project *hasn’t* taken longer than expected. I’m a specialist at starting projects that linger for years in various states of uncompletion. Desperation and potential snowfall are what force me to finish certain things.
    I’m in the middle of remodeling our entryway / mudroom. I need to reinsulate the well house (and as long as it’s torn apart will replace the pressure tank and well pump and upgrade the electrical). I did finally finish two grape vine arbors for a friend. They’re not installed, but at least they’re constructed.)
    Waiting on the neighbors to combine oats and then I’ll have straw to bale. With a baler that still needs a few tweaks from earlier this summer when I started working on it.
    Kelly wanted a faucet replaced two years ago. Last month I called a plumber thereby avoiding the three trips to the hardware store.

    In other news, my Dad will be released from the hospital this morning and headed for a ‘rehab Center’ for a few more days. It was last Tuesday he had heart surgery. He’s doing very well; definitely getting antsy and ready to get out. Not so happy about the rehab place.
    I’m supposed to go back to ‘work’ work tomorrow. Maybe there I can finish some projects…

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  5. Pardon me for telling a story I told once before. I’m just like vs, except for me the shame doesn’t set in until I’ve made six hardware store trips. One of those six-trip projects was memorable.

    I had a big metal pipe sticking up in my back lawn. I didn’t know what it was for and was afraid to touch it, but then I learned it was the base for the world’s largest marten house. Because you don’t want a damn pipe sticking up out of your lawn I decided to take it out. Oh, my!

    My hardware store had a separate store that rented tools. I showed up and asked for some kind of saw, explaining what I was doing. They sent me out with a powerful tool. I was back the next day, defeated. They sent me out with a different tool. Each time I came back to report the pipe had beaten me again, the staff was more excited about my predicament. On trip number five they sent me out with a Stillson adjustable wrench that was–and I’m not exaggerating–as long as my leg. It was all I could do to carry it with one hand. And as I walked to my car with that huge wrench, I felt a strange giddy macho sense of power. I walked with a new kind of swagger that said, “MINE IS BIGGER THAN YOURS!” But the next day, a Friday, I was back at the rental shop to return the Stillson. The pipe had won again. This time the guys sent me out with some kind of metal cutting thing with a chain on it, but they had a request. “We all get off at 5 today, and we’d like to visit you. WE WANT TO SEE THIS PIPE!”

    When the three guys from the shop showed up my neighbor (who is built like a bull) was already there. In two hours, the five of us finally defeated the pipe. It only took eight days and six trips.

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  6. I sense a common theme here: as if we all share a common strand of DNA that mandates we struggle with ostensibly simple projects. My rule of thumb, honed and tweaked over 35 years, is the Rule of Seven: Estimate the time and cost of a handyman project, multiply those numbers by seven, and one of those (or worse, both!) will be the actual cost in time or money by the end of the project.

    My salient example is not recent, but perfectly illustrates the Rule of Seven times the time:

    Some years ago, my wife decided we needed a new, more powerful garbage disposal. Upgrade from the original 1/4 horsepower motor to a 3/4 horsepower behemoth. I figured about an hour to remove the old one and install the new. My wife, who fancies herself a brilliant “theoretical” handywoman, (vs. one who actually does the grunt work- she’s the CEO of our “corporation” and is a consummate delegator) confirmed that estimate. After nearly seven hours of pushing and turning and reading and re-reading the very sketchy, vague directions, and looking up disposals online and consulting online chat rooms regarding home projects, and me incurring a sore back and trembling muscles from countless attempts to push the new disposal upward into place while laying on my back under the sink, we looked at the innocent-looking thin metal O-ring that seals the connection between the drain and the disposal and asked ourselves, “What if we flipped this over and tried to connect it this way?” With nothing to lose, she held the O-ring in place while I pushed and turned the disposal the necessary half-turn.

    Et, VOILA, mission accomplished!

    My seven times the cost story revolves around the times I tried to rotate my tires and change my own oil on two separate occasions. Each time I stripped a bolt–the oil pan drain bolt the first time, a lug nut on one of the wheels the second time. Not sure what the oil pan bolt cost me. It needed to be drilled out and replaced. I remember that my “free” tire rotation cost me about $150 for the tow to the service station, drilling out of the stripped bolt, ordering a new one, and of course, paying for the tire rotation. I’m sure the average of those two expenditures worked out to about seven times the estimated costs.

    Nowadays, if I can afford to hire anyone to do any handyman chore, I will, as long as it isn’t exorbitantly expensive (or if me wife talks me out of it and into doing it ourselves, which I will attempt ONLY after filing a formal protest.)

    Chris in Owatonna

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      1. Yes, we both know who the boss is … her. 🙂

        Actually kidding, that’s just for decisions she feels strongly about but aren’t major life decisions. More like what color to paint the walls, what movie to see, what the real job description for “cleaning the house” is, etc.

        Chris in O-town

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  7. Like xdfBe says, what project hasn’t taken longer than expected? Since my roommate and I rent, we don’t have to deal with home improvement projects, but I have a bunch of UFOs (UnFinished Objects) hanging around my room. My first knitting project is still waiting to be completed a year and a half after I started–it’ll be done long after my second was completed. It’s not that I don’t like knitting and needlework, I just forget about them for long periods of time. Then there’s my fantasy story that was started 5 years ago. I got self-conscious about the generic European fantasy setting, and after listening to the Race!Fail controversy in the science fiction world a few years ago I decided to change it up. There it sits. I still know where it’s going, but now I have to figure out cultural details I didn’t have to think about before. I just need to reframe it as mental exercise and go from there.

    BTW, sorry for being gone so long. I’ve been reading the Trail, but I have a really stressful interpersonal situation at work and I’m trying to find a way to get out, so I’ve been anxious, upset and distracted for a few weeks. Please wish me luck for a couple of interviews with other temp agencies tomorrow!

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  9. I know I’ll remember something more later, but there is a basket of mending/alteration projects that could take anywhere from a half hour to several days, depending on how ambitious I am when I tackle it. A few of them are quick and easy (and should have been done weeks ago and returned to the owner). One or two, though, are things I picked up at a thrift store thinking, “This would be perfect if I just altered this part…” By the time I get to them I will have forgotten I bought them.

    One of Husband’s favorite beliefs is that he can ultimately do any job, though it will take him longer than someone who is skilled at the job (or knows what they are doing). He works largely by trial and error, rarely consulting outside information. He has fixed an amazing number of things that way, and doesn’t seem to care how long it takes. When I first knew him, he tried fixing the solenoid on my old clunker of a car, and persevered. It’s one of the things that attracted me to him.

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    1. I once attempted to rebuild a carburetor because it seemed like something I could tackle with a book and a bit of advice (and a rebuild kit). I got it all apart, cleaned, and put back together without any extra parts. So far so good. Discovered that part of the problem with the carburetor was that it had a warped piece – okay, so I put back the old gasket along with my nice new one, that took care of a bunch of the gap from the warped piece. Then…well, then I discovered that the little screw you use to adjust the gas and air mixture was broken off and frozen in place. Sigh. I got the carburetor back in the car and got the thing going – but the car gave out after about six blocks. I wound up getting it towed to my mechanic, who gave me props for trying and agreed that I had done everything right, but there was no getting around that broken screw. Alas.

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      1. You did better than I ever could! My ex-hippie friend and her partner replaced two engines in their venerable VW Bus, which I think was named Hildegard. That’s not something you can really do with contemporary cars–replace the engine yourself, I mean, not name it Hildegard 😉

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  10. I see I am not alone here in expecting any project to take longer than expected.

    I like to think that with age, I am getting better and better at figuring out which things I can attempt on my own, and which things I will be happier about just paying somebody else to do.

    I don’t mind grinding away at something if a)it isn’t crucial that it gets done immediately, b) it ends up being done in a fashion I can live with and c) I learn something along the way.

    Today’s big project is getting my old desktop computer (Dumbledore) to talk nicely to my new (to me) knitting machine that has electronic capabilities (Mrs. Weasley). First hurdle is going to be getting the program to open in Dumbledore. It did in January, now it is telling me I am using an “invalid key”. Online support is not getting back to me with the speed I require.

    I suppose I should go weed something.

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  11. Probably the most difficult project I tried and managed to complete was the installation of an over head opening garage door. It did take me a very long time to get this done. I had to modify the structure of the garage and get a special kit to fit the door to my garage. Then it didn’t work until I put in some extra reinforcements. I was told that this is the kind of job I should have someone else do. However, I actually liked the challenge of getting it done on my own even if it did take too much time. I did get some help on correctly installing the power opener for the door.

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    1. Jim, was this before or after you were retired? I find that in retirement I’m lots more willing to try something that might take “a little longer than expected”, since I don’t usually have the daily time constraints.

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      1. I have had times when I was only working part time and not retired. I think I did have some extra time when I did that door, but I wasn’t completely retired.

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  12. Sorry, baboons, but I just can’t relate to this question. Every project that is undertaken at our house comes in under budget and is done on time! It’s a matter of proper planning and knowing your limitations. It also helps if you don’t tackle anything more complicated than changing a light bulb. We have friends who talk a short time about what needs to be done, and then either hire someone to do it or do it themselves. We take the opposite approach. We talk about it endlessly, and only rarely get around to doing anything about it. We’re still contemplating the new kitchen that we agreed on five years ago that we need. Our problem is that husband is so handy, and critical of others’ work, that he insists on doing it himself. I know from experience that such a project will take at least a year, and I’m not willing to live in a construction zone for that long. So we make due with what we have, and look at all the money we save. Not only are we not spending money on the renovation but think of all the dinners we don’t host because I’m too embarrassed to invite anyone over.

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  13. I rebuilt a cabin on the North Shore into a house including everything but the cement block work, but later I added a front porch doing the block work myself. I did the plumbing and heating with a little help from a colleague who grew up learning it all from his plumber father. I did all the electrical with a little, not much, help from two electrician neighbors. Helped a half-dozen friends build their houses. Built 5 garages with a friend. Remodeled much of a a century-old house in North Mankato. Did a lot of projects of various kinds, about three of which I should not have.
    About 60% of the projects took about 10-20% longer than I planned, but I always planned long. About 20% took less time. I learned watching/helping my easily-angered father to always plan long and if you have to walk away for a while.
    Dale–the point of this list is that out of all of this, installing or replacing light fixtures were the most consistently frustrating (but in a minor way) tasks I did. The instructions are always poor. If you do not understand all the parts and how they are made to adapt to varied situations, as your wife figured out, it is very frustrating. Even if you know that, it is still often maddening. You can Pay $250 for a fixture which includes 50 cents worth of poorly made installation hardware, which you often have to redrill or file, or go buy the right stuff. You have to often work blind because you cannot see what is going on under the fixture as you put it in. You often have to redo and redo to line up parts, especially if it has a threaded tube on which to hang the fixture.

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    2. I think you are probably right about the frustrating nature of replacing light fixtures, Clyde. I have replaced a few and also found that to be frustrating. Also, Clyde, I am very impressed with your skill at doing construction work.

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  14. Just really got to thinking, after reading Clyde’s note about poor instructions that the one truly frustrating and wonderful thing that I did that took waaaaay longer than expected was building my daughter’s swing set/climber. It was one of those kits from the lumber yard where they sell you all the hardware, swings, etc., packaged together with instructions and a cut list of how many bazillions of feet of 2×6 and 4×4 and decking and, well, you get the idea. The thing has 2 swings, a “trapeze,” a faux tire swing, a slide (that comes off of a central tower with a ship’s wheel, no less), a set of monkey bars and a rope to climb (I think I could count the number of times that rope has actually been climbed). The box and all the instructions claimed you could put the thing together in “about 8 hours.” What they didn’t say was that the estimate was based on a crew of 3-4 professional carpenters doing the work – not me and a pal (Husband’s job was to keep Daughter entertained and away from the power tools). The first 3 hours was, as I recall, just cutting down the lumber to the right sizes. There was at least one hour of swearing at poor and confusing instructions (at least once resulting in having to take something apart and put it back together “the other way”). I think all together it took 40+ man-hours to put it together (2 of us working 2 full days, plus some extra time put in by Husband and me alone), which now that it is together is a much better estimate than what the manufacturer dreamed up. Daughter will use that thing until she leaves for college – as god is my witness…

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  15. I replaced a deadbolt lock on my front door with a double cylinder deadbolt. It looked like a simple project. A couple of screws on the strike plate, a couple of screws on the backset, Pull the old one out, put the new one in. EXCEPT the hole drilled in the door for the lock was about a quarter inch further in from the edge than the new lock was designed to fit, so I ended up chiseling away about a quarter inch of wood so I could sink the strike plate into the side of the door frame so the mechanism would reach the lock. One of those tedious undertakings – chisel a little, replace the strike plate, try the screws, come up short, repeat six or seven times. I don’t ever want to replace a deadbolt again.

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