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Tube Boobs

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Today’s post comes from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At ease, civilians! But stay vigilant. Sound the alarm whenever radical new ideas expose you to risk! Even theoretical risk, which could lead directly to imaginary dismemberment or even hypothesized death.

Yes, I’m thinking of industrialist/inventor Elon Musk’s intriguing, controversial Hyperloop. Musk has imagined an enclosed travel-tube stretching from Los Angeles to San Francisco. He pictures us climbing into vehicles that shoot through the tube on cushions of air, propelled by a magnetic pulse to speeds of up to 800 miles per hour.

tube_room

If you’re thinking of one of those pneumatic devices that carries cash, checks and dog treats from the parking lot to the teller and back to your car in branch banking, Elon Musk will call you a moron and take his billions elsewhere in head-shaking disgust. But that’s what I’m picturing anyway, and it does not comfort me. Even if everything is OK on the journey from point A to point B, what about the people who handle the tube when it arrives at its destination? During the heyday of pneumatic office communication, the weak link always happened in the basement where all the tubes ended and various boobs and imbeciles fumbled to open the capsules and spilled the precious contents onto a dank cement floor. Or at least that’s how I picture it.

Receiving Musk’s scorn now is a small price to pay compared to what it would feel like to climb into one of his tubes and realize, too late, that you’ve been had. But then climbing into a tube of any kind is alarming. I had a bad experience once with a water park tube slide that had to do with someone else’s bodily functions and not enough space between travelers. And I’m sure I don’t have to point out to you that once you knock off the wings and the tail, an airplane is tube-shaped. Risk minimizers will tell you that a large, commercial airplane is incredibly safe, but look how easily I knocked off the wings and the tail! It didn’t even take an entire sentence.

I like having escape options, so I would want Musk’s speeding travel pods and the tubes they rocket through to have frequently spaced egress hatches in case I have to climb out for a breath of fresh air, or to escape flames, or to run away from snakes. But at the same time, I would worry while pfooshing down the California coast line that some low-level workman had left a hatch ajar. That can’t end well!

As a professional public-safety scold, it’s my job to seriously consider every worst-case scenario. So I worry about the pull of gravity every time I lift one of my feet off the ground! After all, think of the possibilities! Most of them aren’t pretty.

People say Elon Musk is our most imaginative business leader and technological visionary. But when I dwell on all the ways you could be mangled in his Hyperloop and then hear him say the thing is perfectly safe, it’s obvious that he’s just not imaginative enough!

Yours in Safety,
B.S.O.R.


What could go wrong?

50 thoughts on “Tube Boobs”

  1. Morning all. I’m sure BSOR can think of lots and lots of ways that things can go wrong. I’m just wondering if Elon Musk will give a nod to Jasper Fforde… since the Hyperloop is certainly just a knockoff of the “gravitube”.

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  2. Good morning. I would think being enclosed in that tube would not work for me. I’m in agreement with BSOR on the need for an escape hatch. This mode of travel reminds me of astronauts going off into space in small space capsules. I would not be a candidate for traveling in a space capsule and I might not be willing to travel in a Hyperloop.

    It is the job of engineers to make sure that anything they design is safe to use. If a Hyperloop is built and put into use I think the designers would make sure that it is a safe means of travel. If they do design a safe Hyperloop I might be able over come my fear of traveling in a device like that. However, I wonder if there is any way to make sure that a Hyperloop is a risk free means of travel. .

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    2. A potential problem with bullet trains is the risk of someone fiddling with the integrity of the track. Presumably, that would not be an issue with Hyperloop travel. I’m not sure “risk free” is a proper goal, Jim, but reduced risk obviously is.

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      1. I think I should have said that the Hyperloop needed to be reasonably risk free or at least not too dangerous.

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      2. And then there’s the human factor, such as the conductor on the cell phone when the train in Spain was supposed to be slowing down for a curve!!!!

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  3. this was one of my favorite inventions as a kid. i had the tubes running various directions with signs telling you where to exit. i had them as individual pods rather than mass transit commuter sized. the pods in my tubes had umbrella like membranes that opened and closed to make it a fully engaged seal or a gap that would slow you down as you exited at the desired destination. i couldnt see why this hadnt been implemented already. it made so much sense and all it required was the tube and some air pressure.
    bsor thank you for your concern. i was in the house on the rock and needed the escape hatch just as you are describing it. after hours of looking at collections of stuff in a closed system with slow people in front of me who had slower people in front of them and large sweaty people coming up form behind and making me feel like i hoped the next corner would be the last….. i just couldnt take it any more. i had to get out. i told my party i would see them at the end of the tour and found my way to the escape hatch. when i opened the door from my sealed collection i was reminded of what a miserable day it was outside when i came in. 35 degrees and raining gray skies and biting chill. ah it was great to be alive again away from the worlds largest collection of avon 1920’s era perfume in a european royalty themed bottle over 3200 in all.
    st louis park and minneapolis are having a tough time figuring out how to put trains on the grid that will take 50,000 cars a day off the freeway system in the southest suburbs. i cant imagine how much fuss all the california concerns between l a and san fransisco would find to be vocal about. enviornmental studies on how the enviormental studies would effect the coastline after the global warming raised the water level 6 feet in the inevitable coming decades.
    but maybe i could erase all the problems the same way officer rafferty took the wings and the tail off. i really like that. it took less than a sentance. words to live by. and if you don’t like it i can write a different sentance until we all agree.
    st louis park doesnt want the train because it will be by some houses. minneapolis doesnt want it because the trains that carry stuff instead of people would need to go somewhere else and nobody wants them either.
    400 miles form la to san fran in 30 minutes? i think there may be an opportunity to make life better for a few folks there. i vote yes on this one.

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    1. It is easy to see the negatives in this tube system of transportation, tim, but there are huge negatives inherent in the way we travel now. Yesterday we heard about a college kid who got monstrously drunk, sped away in his car and ended up in the Mississippi. Luckily, he didn’t kill anyone else in the process. Some day people will find it hard to believe that we had a transportation system that allowed habitual drunks to share highways with sober citizens, kids and dogs. Our airlines pollute the air in terrible ways but nobody wants to look at the problem, so we don’t talk about it. I’m with you in spirit, tim. There has to be something better.

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    2. What I’m learning about WP is NOT to sign in on this first welcome page. Sometimes it posts as me even though it doesn’t say so. And sometimes I’m an ABD. But at least I don’t get the ‘Sorry we can’t post this’ page.
      Otherwise, open a different page in your browser, then open TB again and then it usually works…

      Ben

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      1. ABD–I think you are right. Further, when I reply on my laptop it looks different and wants different stuff than when I reply on my iPad. WP insists on saving an email address that had a mis-type once long ago, as well, then that won’t let me in.

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  5. My worst travel experience was taking a miles long bridge/under-the-sea tunnel combo to cross Chesapeake Bay. I don’t like driving across bridges and I hate tunnels. I kept worrying that the tunnel would flood or the car would plunge off the bridge. I think the tube BSOR is describing would promote panic attacks. There would have to be on-site therapists to manage the panic, thereby increasing the cost.

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    2. it reminds me of driving on those little roads that hug the side of the mountain. i have had people riding in the passangers seat with their wheel on the edge of the downhill slide. the little post things that are put there with that piece of string running through them to make you feel safe somehow just dont do it for the vertically challanged. i have a definite memory of the feeling in my legs when i start to get ooggidy about being at heights or afraid of falling when climbing on a mountain i shouldnt be on or on a path that i shouldnt have … oh well shouldnt have is in the past what now… it is very distinctive and always makes me laugh. if you are going to die in a terrible accident you may as well do it with a smile.

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    3. I think you must have crossed the Chesapeake in a different place than I did, Renee, but I agree, it has it’s harrowing aspects. The Bay Bridge going from west to east is fine. Long, but fine. Curves along and you get a fine view of the Bay across the lanes in the opposite direction. Big barricade on the passenger side, so you don’t see much of anything.

      The return trip was the one that always gave me white knuckles. For starters, I was tired after a day at the shore, but I swear the barricades on that side were much shorter, and it didn’t help that the curve of the bridge in that direction made me feel like I was constantly driving off the bridge and into the Bay.

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    4. I think the longest bridge in the US is the Mackinac Island bridge, five miles long. Some folks freak out when they see that thing, and there is a program that supplies drivers to handle the cars of those too anxious to drive.

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      1. The Mackinac bridge connects the upper and lower peninsulas of Michigan. When I was young my family crossed over to the upper peninsula to visit my grandparents for on our summer vacations. At that time the only way to make the crossing was by car ferry. We usually had to wait in a long line to get on the ferry. The bridge put an end to waiting for the ferry. Actually I liked riding on the ferry with the waves rocking it up and down as it made it’s way across the wide open water. During the trip you could get out of your car, walk around on the deck, and enjoy the ride.

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        1. Love the ferry. Wish I was on the one to Madeline Island right now!

          Also don’t mind long bridges. Rode on a bus on the Ponchartrain Causeway (which I believe, oh Steve, trumps the Mackinaw Bridge, being 20+ miles long. Not a problem for me.

          Of course, all this was long before the 35W bridge collapse.

          Probably still wouldn’t bother me, but feeling like if I just stop making the turn, I will plunge over the edge, that really stressed me.

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  6. it occurs to me that the main problem with this type of undertaking is the mere size of the project. maybe if we came at it from a different angle. instead of making large tubes that would be very costly and ugly on the landscape, i think the same thing could be accomplished at a huge cost reduction and with much less intrusion on the landscape if we just focused on shrinking the people who ride in the tubes. fantastic voyage or honey i shrunk the kids. that should be ok right bsor?

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  7. BSOR asks, “What can go wrong?” Murphy’s Law can go wrong, that’s what! (Didn’t we sort of have this discussion about home improvement projects a few days ago? 🙂 )

    I still think the best answer to future individual travel will be Jetsons-like bubble-top space craft. They’ll be programmable to zoom one to one’s destination without hitting another bubble craft, but will give the driver override control at any time to make emergency stops so the kids can go to the bathroom, or someone gets a double thumb cramp while texting (if that’s even around in the future) and needs emergency physical therapy.

    Chris in Owatonna

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        1. Ben, I solved my WP problems with a little trick that might help you (or others). When I go to log on the first time, I have to look carefully at my avatar. If it is right, I’m good to go. If it is a blue doily, I need to click on the icon for WordPress (that blue circle with the big W on it). That invokes the log-in screen, and then I can log in. Usually I have to quite TB then and come back before I can post.

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        2. I’ve tried that Steve. I log in and it doesn’t like me. So then usually I load a different page and sometimes that works. And sometimes it’s a mystery! Haha–

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  9. What could go wrong? ~sigh~ Well, this is just off the top of my head. Earthquake. Depressurization. Faulty construction. Poor preventive maintenance. Operator error. Weather related complications. System stresses over seasonal changes. Unknown effects of high intensity electro-magnetic pulses/fields on humans. Any kind of hiccup at 800mph will be disasterous. And no bathrooms. Now, those are just general, broad strokes. There are a myriad of hazards that could be catastrophic under each general category. And more, I’m sure, if I wanted to put some actual time into this.

    This reminds me of the old Robert Heinlein story, “The Roads Must Roll.” Vehicle gridlock forces roads to be replaced by high-speed conveyor belts across the country.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Roads_Must_Roll

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      1. Those old soda fountains were magic places. I discovered one in the resort town where my family went for our vacations, Park Rapids. As a kid I never got so close to heaven as when I had a cherry soda there. I can think of only one soda fountain in films. The opening scenes of “It’s a Wonderful Night” have classic footage of an early soda fountain.

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        1. I keep saying we need to go there.

          Another fine opportunity for a soda or phosphate is Snuffy’s, but then, Steve already knows that, I am sure.

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  11. I am torn between two responses – “Wouldn’t that be cool?” and “Wouldn’t that be stupid?”, so think I’ll dredge up an old quote (can’t find the source at the moment), something like:
    There is more to life than increasing your speed.

    OT: Grandkids are back, see you in a couple of days.

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    1. That’s how I feel, BiR. Why do we need to go ever faster? Then again, after a very long flight, I can understand why you would want to shorten the duration if possible. When I think of the Titanic and the Hindenburg, I have no trouble whatsoever imagining that something could go horribly wrong. One thing I did notice in the drawing of the capsule was that there appears to be ample leg room; I like that.

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    1. How much time, exactly, is adequate?

      Make a spa appointment when you reach your destination and bring it with you. It’s Yours To Keep! You can read it it the mudbath.

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  13. The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

    – Douglas Adams

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