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Big Softies

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Today’s post comes from personal counselor and mass communicator B. Marty Barry. He’s an online relationship manager, and a bottomless well of wellness!

Yes, that’s what I do. I work as an unseen online intermediary using only words and emoticons to help people I have never met as they struggle to acknowledge each other’s humanity.

And yes, I see the irony in that job description.

But what I’ve learned is that the world is a very troubled place and it does not provide a happy environment for hard line extremists. And when I say “extremists” I’m talking about those who won’t budge concerning matters of conscience or the time of day or personal morality or the color of the sky or closely held beliefs or their harsh opinions of the habits of others or just about anything, really. They are steadfast in their opposition to everything that is not already a part of their value system.

And if you think you recognize someone in that description, please understand that I am not permitted to reveal identifiable details about any of my clients, no matter where they live in the world.

Soft_cone

And just because I know a thing or two about extremists, that does not prove I am working with a group of Taliban Commanders who have accumulated a little money and plan on opening a string of political activism and ice cream salons called Hard Lines and Soft Serve Cones and Drones. Or that they dream of expanding it to Florida by 2018.

All I’m saying is that radicals and immovable scolds are people too. That’s being proven right now by all the kinder, gentler talk coming from Pope Francis and Iran’s new prime minister.

Which just goes to show you that one of the nicest gifts a person can receive in any line of work is to have had a harsh predecessor. If the person you replaced was widely known as a party pooper, they can help you look instantly better to almost everyone!

And to all you wild eyed fire-breathers out there, keep up the good work and thanks a bunch from the rest of us! You know who you are! And although I (maybe) have never met you, I do care about you very, very, very much.

Are you a toughie, or a softie?

53 thoughts on “Big Softies”

  1. my toughnes softness is open for discussion. my tendancy is to be a softy but with my children if i allow them to choose for themselves they sometimes take the easy way instead of the best way. i have the concern that if they dont form habbits now that send them in the right direction they will be past the opportunity to do it differently in the coming days weeks months and years so i try to be the toughie and insist on the daily habbits that can help down the road. trumpet is the only instrument left , my cello piano oboe and guitar players have all left the building. i did end up with a couple of singers out of the deal but that feels kind of sad to me. if you form the habbits along the way the trip through life can have some nice partners to help you along if on the other hand you take the path of least resistance and least effort, you can be stuck with the least reward.sometimes i sweeten the pot with rewards and a pat on the back for reaching goals both for my children and for myself ( i as it turns out am very receptive to my own ideas)
    when i started reading billy marty berrys i was thinking john boehner needed relax a little bit before he shut down the government for not agreeing with his view on the affordable health care initiative (obamacare does have a ring to it doesnt it) he is being told to take a firm stand by all those teapublicans who dont like it when their ideas are defeated again and again. the only logical conclusion is to be tough and throw out all who dont listen. i cant do that with my family. if i throw them out i am the head of a household of one and that one isnt all that much fun when left to his own devices. maybe if i mandate that i follow the lead of the pope (been a while since i said that) and try to embrace all views instead of forcing my views , the world will be a little more open to me. the guy from iran has gotten off to the right start too, hard lines soft serve cones and drones … i can think of a few locations around here where we could open a franchise. do you think if we put a drone on john boehner and had it sit out side his door and wait for him to leave inthe morning and then follow him around in anticiopation of his doing something that could be reprimanded it would work? lets try.
    or if we have drones ready to reward that ay work too? drones with cones? great delivery service. it could work. with my kids for sure. trumpet followed by a cone? i think i could get that to fly.

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    1. Are habbits a cross of the hare and the rabbit?

      The Minnesota Orchestra and its management need to relax too. They appear to be on the Boehner plan of negotiation and resolution. I find it really sad.

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      1. isnt it funny the musicians can be out for a year but if the conductor threatens to leave and trhe management needs to get back to talking. one million dollar fundraiser for an orchestra who is getting their pay cut 30 or 40 thousand a head if they agree to come back to the newlyreno vated hall at a cost of 17 million. everything taken care of but the musicians.

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      1. I’ve been lucky. I have been able to indulge my natural inclination for empathy without paying the price very often. In some jobs I would have been inappropriately compassionate. In the jobs I’ve had, that worked for everyone.

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  3. Good morning. It’s the ones claiming to have our best interests at heart who are secretly doing the opposite that bother me the most. They act as thought they are softies and go ahead with destructive hard line behavior behind our backs. This is why we need whistle blowers.

    Enough on the sad state of the way our country is operating. I guess I am a softie with some sharp points here and there. There might be a few hard pointed objects in the soft served cone that I offer. I am almost never involved in any physical violence. However, I might occasionally say something that is the verbal version of a physical attack. I learned to avoid being physically abusive and I hope I am also moving away from being verbally abusive.

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  4. To me, some issues are just not negotiable, so I suppose that people who don’t share my views on those issues find me a tough nut to crack. I find Pope Francis a breath of fresh air, and I hope he’s able to influence not just the Catholic church but the world in general in the direction of being a kinder, gentler place. I love the idea that it’s not necessary to obsess
    about the things we don’t agree on. Can you imagine what our politicians could accomplish if this notion took hold within their ranks? Next week’s meeting in the United Nations is an opportunity that I really hope both Obama and Rouhani take full advantage of; I’m trying to be optimistic about it.

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      1. If you sign up w/ Brueggers and Noodles, you can get free breakfast and dinner on your birthday as well. And if you are like me, you can also sign up w/ Ben & Jerrys and top your b-day off w/ a free cone!

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  6. Rise and Shine you Softies! C’mon, outa bed. Let’s move.

    People tend to assume I am a softie then are astounded when I have firm limits and clear expectations. I try to tell them, and they don’t get it.

    Meanwhile, I won’t be on the blog a lot in the next few weeks. At work I have two important site visits upcoming from an insurance company and a state agency. So instead of inspired blog posts, I will be writing new forms and checking case files for completeness.

    The blog is way more fun.

    Meanwhile, re: BBC. I can host Nov. 10 and I checked–there is no Vikings game that day (although, really, by Nov. 10 it may not matter at all!) I will also send this notice by responding to the email from Linda about BBC.

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    1. I am remarkably similar to you, Jacque regarding the soft/hard distinction. You also have my sympathy regarding your site visits. Audits are horrible.

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    2. Jacque, I think being firm is different from being tough. I suppose you could look on being tough and being firm as the same. I tend to think of a tough approach as one of trying to force others to do something or not do something. For me firm would be taking a strong position in support of what you think is right while still recognizing the rights of other people. I think one can be both a softie and a firm person at the same time.

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  7. I’ll give the impression of being a toughie but I’m very much a softie. Maybe it was too many comic books as a kid but I want to believe that people will do the right thing simply because it’s the right thing to do. I want to believe in fairness. I want to believe in people. Of course what one person considers ‘right’ is entirely subjective. But even beyond that, I’m sure you can appreciate why I’ve turned into a cynic. It didn’t take long, I started turning crusty by about age 10 in the mid-1970’s. I was told in Sunday School that, according to the Church, my dog didn’t have a soul. In spite of my sound and logical argument to the contrary. Women weren’t (and still aren’t!) getting equal pay and credit for the work they do. I still want to believe that life should be fair…as you would expect, I’m frequently disappointed. But my definition of a ‘cynic’ is probably different than others. I look at being a cynic as, essentially, a positive thing at its core. To me, a cynic is a ‘realistic optimist.’ You put out the optimism, you hope for the best, you even try to do what you can to make things work out right. Sure, you expect your efforts to be scuttled by some egocentric, self-serving, greedy, horrible person but you still make the effort and hope for the best. Hope and work for the best, expect the worst.

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  8. My daughter used to work in a business that sent workers to various businesses needing temp workers. As a group, people who work as temps have less education and messier lives than average, although they are sure exceptions. Molly used to listen sympathetically to the stories her temp workers told about why they couldn’t show up for jobs. Her coworkers mocked what they perceived as her gullibility, calling her “Mother Theresa.” And yet what made them disregard what their temps said was often racism or prejudice based in class distinctions.

    That job was a fascinating crash course in human nature, and I’m proud of how Molly handled it. She never became cynical, although experience showed her the need for skepticism with some folks. Molly’s natural compassionate nature has been tested and refined by what she has learned about human nature. She is still empathic, but now has clear eyes. I’d expect that Renee and Jacque have had similar educational experiences.

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    1. Whoa, Steve, where do you get the idea that people who work for temp agencies have less eduction and live messier lives than average? That has definitely not been my experience. Some of the best secretaries I’ve worked with have made long-term careers of temping because it gave them more flexibility and control over their schedules.

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      1. PJ apparently the group of workers that my daughter hired out were exceptional, then. They were lightly educated and dealt with a lot of issues. I’m sure there are temp agencies that work with higher end employees, and I should have made that clear.

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        1. I suspect that Molly’s experience may have to do with the kind of temp agency she worked for. I think temp agencies that specialize in providing unskilled, manual laborers may have more problematic cases. Agencies that specialize in secretaries cannot afford to work with people who are unreliable or have poor skills. I worked with three or four different temp agencies, and would often request certain temps if they were available. Absences for vacations or maternity leaves would have been intolerable without them.

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  9. i get into trouble continually for believing people and the words that come out of their mouths. it never occurs to me people are basically liars. never has never wil but man there sure are a bnch of them. if you go through life expecting those lying bastards to screw you are never whacked up side the head however the world becomes ugly with every blink of the eye. its easy to assume everyone is up to no good and be pleasantly surprised, but the flavor of life changes. most recent cases are three cases in the last month that all make a huge difference in the way life works but then you remember the people who go out of their way to be straight even though there is nothing in to for them. which do you want to set your table for?

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  10. As a substitute teacher I did turn into a toughie at times. In a public school class room a teacher can not allow kids to get too far out of line. I did sometimes find it necessary to bring an end to bad behavior by sending kids to the office. When they would not stop doing things that interfered with class room activities I felt I did have the right to tell them they were not longer welcome in the class room.

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  11. Morning–

    I’m definitely a softie and everyone knows it. But I also have my ‘Ogre’ moments. What’s really annoying is when I’m in Ogre mode and others don’t take me that way. Gosh darn it; I’m trying to be gruff here!

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  12. I am a softie. Like most here, I do let folks know where my limits are – Daughter knows she has a lot of leeway, but there are guidelines she needs to pay attention to (not firm rules, unless safety is concerned, but guidelines). I will give you a big sandbox to play in, you can use the toys however you like, you can even bring in new toys, you can use those toys in ways they weren’t intended, just don’t do anything where someone could lose an eye or steal a toy when someone else is using it.

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  13. Most people think I stand pretty firm on things. That’s why when the Teenager asked me to drive down to “take her to lunch” this weekend, I said “sure”. Cuz I’m tough. Ha!

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    1. We are headed to Fargo for her college Family Weekend. We were sternly instructed to be at brunch tomorrow at 9, and then take her shopping. She is a toughie.

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  14. OT- The West 7th Iron Pour is coming up on 28 September. Make your own piece of art with a scratch mold. Contact Dusty at House of Thune (Facebook) for details. If you have never been to an Iron Pour, I can tell you it is very dramatic and fascinating to watch.

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    1. I always meant to make it to the iron pour in Herman, Minnesota and never did. How could one find out more if one is not on Facebook?

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      1. I’ll send you the information, Bill. Are you interested in creating a piece for them to pour that evening? If so, you’ll need additional information which I should also be able to get to you.

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  17. I’m usually a softie, but a couple of times when I had to be tough, I was able to do it. Surprised myself, in fact.

    OT: I will be on the Trail and Docks sporadically for a while – Mom has sort of gone “round the bend”, at least temporarily, and we’re busy figuring out how to keep her secure and comfortable, while at the same time staying sane… I’m glad to have this place to come and read, but may not always have energy to create a response.

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    1. the trail and the baboondocks have become a place to escape the cold cruel world. here we all live on the big rock candy mountain. hope you mom is at peace with the transition. take care of yourseldf and be greatful you got her up here and dont have to do this long distance. see you when we see you. our thoughts are with you

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  18. Softie.

    I returned to work after the harmony of Rock Bend to find that I’ve been/am being steamrolled by my coworkers. They are in need someone who is wlling and able to fight back and I’m neither. My supervisor and one coworker know what is happening. We’ll see if my supervisor is a toughie. I kinda doubt it.

    I got a new device and WP isn’t letting me log on- might be a doily until I get some recognition! Krista

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