Science Fare

Today’s post comes from Dr. Larry Kyle, founder and produce manager at Genway, the supermarket for genetically engineered foods.

DrKyle

Vindication is mine!

Anyone who knows my work at Genway understands that I have been a misunderstood and lonely pioneer. Scientifically I have blazed unthinkable pathways in the genetic manipulation of plants and animals. And ethically I have set a new standard for non-regulated, devil-may-care experimentation. Have I done things that were questionable? Yes. Ill advised? Of course!

There was a time when people called me mad. MAD, I say! And THEY said it too! They said LOTS of things.

Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!

When I developed fresh-as-life toast that lived in a terrarium they said I should be investigated.
When I invented the Genway Screaming Halloween Pumpkin, they said I should be prosecuted.
When I used terrier DNA to create barking tulips, they said I should be stopped!

But they couldn’t lay a hand on me because I had no University affiliation and took no money from the government. I financed my work with proceeds from product sales at Genway, and through urgent contributions from neighbors and acquaintances who wanted only one thing from me – that I stay far away from their homes and their families.

Yes, some other researchers called it “vanity science”, and even extortion. But I knew if I waited long enough the rest of the scientific community would eventually come around. And now they have, because I see there is a major article in the New York Times that claims Billionaires With Big Ideas Are Privatizing American Science!

“For better or worse,” said Steven A. Edwards, a policy analyst at the American Association for the Advancement of Science, “the practice of science in the 21st century is becoming shaped less by national priorities or by peer-review groups and more by the particular preferences of individuals with huge amounts of money.”

Yes! Now the most groundbreaking science will be done by those who are best at separating rich people from their fortunes! Whim based research will shape a tomorrow that you won’t recognize and no one can predict. How quickly the Brave New World I dreamt of has become a reality!

The Extra Long Cobra Banana - Delicious Hot or Coiled
The Extra Long Cobra Banana – Delicious Hot or Coiled

Why let government chart a course when the future really belongs to guys who have the twisted curiosity to wonder what might happen if you combined a banana with a King Cobra, and the fat bankroll to find out?

Hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!

And in case you didn’t read it with the right amount of spirit, yes – that’s a maniacal laugh!

Yours in Unsupervised Experimentation,
Dr. Kyle

What sort of research would YOU pay for?

129 thoughts on “Science Fare”

  1. while I know the s&h would want me to devote my vast fortune to astrophysics (and I suppose that is what I will be doing by financing his education), I would have to say my research dollars would go to pain management. While some pain is useful and informative (get your hand off the hot stove!!!!), a lot of it is just plain debilitating.

    Who knows, maybe astrophysics can lead to some pain management by lessening the force of gravity on individual arthritis suffers.

    (no, I have no idea how that could work, but I do know gravity pulling on those hips and knees isn’t helping)

    Time for some coffee, then off to work.

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      1. Coffee is done. BUT, now I know something to fund: development of a coffee maker carafe from which one can pour without spilling.

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        1. May I suggest a coffee maker that brews right into the thermal cup? I have one that will even brew 2 such cups, one for you, one for Sandy (if she indulges) that has never been used- yours for the asking. I will even deliver next time I am in St Peter.

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        2. Thanks, but we are committed to minimal counter space usage. I need this one for when three different sets of company come for whom I need to brew large amounts. My sister and husband come next week to celebrate the birthday she shares with Sandy. Full pots will be needed.

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        3. tim- you want the coffee machine? or the pain relief? (more than one answer may be correct)

          Clyde, hear you on the counter space conservation. Maybe they could cross a toaster with a pufferfish and get appliances that collapse to fit in a vertical file, but expand to usefulness when you pull them out.

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    1. In the (Unlearned Swimmers) Training School we called it “Pain Aversion” or “Long-Term Survival” Skills for those of us held underwater by our bigger and meaner older brother.

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    2. I know dr Larry is into edible but I am thinking helium over the knee socks is just the ticket . Maybe if they were edible you could have them for dinner at the end of the day. First thought was red licorice but maybe Hungarian goulash would be better
      Or full line of sox ,ties , edible accessories. Eat my shorts may not go over but who knows

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  2. Good morning. Dr. Klye is a man of our times. He works out side of the law creating things for his own profit and pesters people until they are willing to give him money.

    There is an area of science that I would like to see funded that is no longer getting funding from any where. It is the work I did as a graduate student. It wasn’t very smart to do my research in an area that had very little change of getting funding once I graduated. I was one of the last people to work on identifying and naming the various kinds of free living nematodes found in the soil.

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        1. Ah, ha! Edible troupe!! Made of cultured sea grass grown in extra-thin gluten free pizza crust. The gluten-free version stands up to anything.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Dale, this conversation begs the question of what your favorite rock opera/musical is. I’m guessing “Hair” with your favorite song from that musical also being titled “Hair.” 😉

          Chris in Owatonna

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    1. Clyde, it only showed up a few minutes ago because I am still learning the intricacies of posting in this new format. Those who are e-mail followers received a link at 2am, but on the site today’s post first appeared off the bottom of the page for the casual observer.

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  3. As a serious answer for which I apologize, seriously:
    1) research learning in general
    2) fund development of alternative high schools,
    3) fund a PR campaign to counteract the current popular negative image of teachers.

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    1. Most excellent ideas, Clyde. I especially like the third one and would add that basic education could also use a PR boost.

      S&h was told by a fellow student that the reason he probably does so well in school is that he has “so much free time”? Um, no, the reason is that he chooses to use his free-time to read and watch stuff that is usually derisively referred to as “educational”, which seems to be the kiss of death for many.

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      1. My two MN grandchildren and I had a 10 minute conversation yesterday about home life and success in school. I do not remember what triggered it. But I was explaining to them that so many kids do not have parents who keep track of their success, help with homework, talk to the school about things good and bad, make a point of complimenting the teachers, make sure they get rest, etc. They told me about classmates who they are aware of for whom this is true. One classmate has a mother who does not get around to signing forms and things, and she works in the school.
        OT: Mr Tuxedo in a later conversation asked me if I thought the world was going to end by flooding, the sun going nova, or God just getting fed up with us all.

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        1. You know, Clyde, how thinking about education goes in big swings. Right now the hot concept is “grit.” Research shows that ability does not determine how well we perform challenging tasks. Grit does. Kids with the ability to stick to a task are the ones who do well, so the educational establishment wants us to quit praising students for being smart and to instead praise them for hanging in there when it isn’t fun.

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        2. And then, Clyde, there are the people like me – who, with my youngest daughter, more or less ignored her academic life and – even worse in some people’s eyes – rarely went to her sports games. Usually got the forms done, but was late sometimes – and she graduated first in her class. (I did do things like talk with her – “talking with” includes listening – reading to her, and just enjoying being with her.)

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  4. I think we need to stay in dr Larry’s wheelhouse here. Edible hair is very doable spaghetti is easy but steak and potatoes lobster with butter, peanut butter and jelly all kind of growing as the day progresses with incremental changes in the time release growth, bacon and eggs grow from midnight to 7 am Blt or grilled chees with tomato soup grows till 1230 then pAsta with a Caesar salad goes til 7 followed by rhubarb pie with cinnamon ice cream til 9 then what to have for a midnight snack?an apple and graham cracker? A slice of pizza? And should this grow like hair coming out of the play doh machine 24 inches a day ( cut off 6 for breakfast and 6 for lunch) or should it change looks as the meal changes to resemble the menu choice?
    C’mon dr Larry a little help here

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    1. This is quite a dangerous path to walk, tim. Even for Dr. Kyle, who fears nothing.
      Would this “flip the script” from “Waiter, there’s a hair in my soup!” to “Waiter, there’s soup on my hair!”?

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  5. A highly secret project for Baboons only: cabbage that grows as 100-dollar bills on the very few inside layers only.

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  6. I’d like some research to combine produce that’s gone bad in the fridge with the ice that forms on my driveway at night at this time of year.

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    1. ok… that needs clarification now that I see it in print. I want something that gets RID of the ice on the driveway.

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      1. so you are hoping to put rotting produce on the icey driveway to clear it? Hmmm, I think that might just be possible, but would you feel safe eating such produce before it went bad?

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      2. ok, truly creepy, but I just saw something that says the reason severe cold does not do in a lot of insects is that some of them actually produce a sort of natural anti-freeze that keeps their bodies from freezing. Combine that DNA with that of your average lettuce, and there you have it. But again, would you want to eat it in the first place?

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  7. I would like an in-depth study of the entropy of dining room tables – why it is that they become magnets for completed homework, bills, pens, bags of stuff, random bits like the tie to a seat cover, band instruments and a stuffed green bear (these are just a few of the things I see on mine at present). Once a week or so I tidy it up so I can pretend that we eat meals (at least more than breakfast) at this table. And then the stuff reappears. It’s like rabbits – if I leave even one scrap of paper on the table, it breeds birthday invitations and coupons and pizza flyers.

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    1. I have all those same issues with my car seats and my sports cost pockets

      Maybe we should celebrate stuff appearing from nowhere in mass quantities

      Spontaneous conception?

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  8. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    I am late to the party today–I have been traveling the last two weekends, then caught a cold.

    Research funding–most of my ideas would be about mental health and professional practices regarding that because so much of what is standard practice is really ineffective. Example: closure of the Minnesota Community Support Program in the Central Region of the state. I would LOVE to have someone swoop in and research the effects of closing a program like that. Citizens would be shocked at the long term costs of closing that program due to underfunding.

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    1. At an organization for which I worked a long, long time ago, we had an emoticon which signified “this is so stupid” in shorthand; it was a stick figure simultaneously shooting itself in the head and in the foot. It works best in a non-proportional font, so I’m not sure it will reproduce well here, but it looked something like this:
      o*>
      < |
      • √\

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  9. I’ll go for a compost-related project. I do my composting in barrels, but this winter I had to stop hauling the compost out to the barrel because the barrel was full. (I can’t have an open compost heap because it just turns into a giant squirrel-feeding heap.) I would like banana peels, egg shells, and vegetable scraps that decompose in temperatures down to 35 below zero.

    OT – those of you who guessed my real identity on yesterday’s blog were correct. You get an A+.

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  10. I’d like to see massive funding for dementia before people my age realize that they likely would qualify for the diagnosis. I imagine that just about the worst thing one could be told is that dementia is at the early-onset stage because, while still able to understand it, you’d know what the prognosis is going to be. Besides, I’m gradually seeing signs of mental slippage already!

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    1. Good cause, CB. I work with seniors a good bit, and it is interesting to see how people handle the knowledge that there are things they no longer know or remember.

      In my experience, the people who are happiest are the ones who acknowledge and work around it.

      Congrats on the new grandbaby and love the new gravatar!

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        1. I am wearing a lovely terry ensemble by Lands’ End with a Fieldcrest add-on. (Oh, with accessories by Nick and Nora.)

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        2. Well, my jammies are not nearly as fashionable as Linda’s or Anna’s. No accessories, either. I will have to either buy some new sleepwear or put on my going-to-an-interview clothes.

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  11. Oh, the barking tulips! Our neighbor hates our barking Welsh Terrier, and if I had those tulips, neighbor could complain all he liked and never be able to accuse my dog of the barking. Dr. Kyle gives a whole new meaning to Parrot Tulips.

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  12. Y’all are in rare form today! It’s good to hear from Dr. Kyle again… I think.

    I’ll try and think of something cleaver tomorrow, but I’m with CB – would like to find an Azlheimers cure before the decade is out. I’d also pay to find a cure for Rampant Greed.

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      1. Somewhere I think I still have a CD with the voice of Dr Kyle advertising automatically steaming vegetables (they steam themselves by listening to politicians) that was a recording for my “home answering device.” As I recall, it was something from an online auction that MPR did many moons ago…

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        1. Please bring it to the next book club. I miss that laugh (as well as a few other things from TLGMS).

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      1. Yes – I have to look really hard to determine which are comments and which are replies. Also, I have to do a lot more scrolling up and down, as the typing covers less than half the page width (Is that true for everyone?). And scrolling is “choppy”, rather than the previous smooth.

        I like the type face, though. 🙂

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        1. agreed, I keep wanting to tip my computer screen to the horizontal, like I do my smartphone.

          I also don’t really care for the command to “like this” after every post. Makes my inner contrarian work overtime.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. couldn’t resist, MIG.

          I do think if the text area was wider, it would be easier to tell what replies were tied to what comments…as it is now, I have to scroll a long ways up to see if I can figure out the thread of the conversation, but there are still a lot of dangling comments. For instance, I haven’t figured out tim’s “how much are you willing to pay?” reply yet.

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        1. I’ve noticed that I find it hard to tell what comments are tied to the replies. Today, I’ve especially noticed this with tim’s replies, but it’s true for others, too.

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      2. I would be in favor of more indentation, too. I think the narrower page is probably appreciated by smartphone users, but it does make for a lot of scrolling.

        Like Mig, I noticed the option to selectively “Like” each comment/reply on the page, and I’m likewise not completely on board with that. The presence of a “Like” button may mean someone who would otherwise be silent might take a moment to hit the “like” and be heard. But it also means that someone who might have written a reply could be tempted to choose the easy path and just “Like” without elaborating. It seems to me the net effect could be more participants but less discussion….sort of like Facebook (“You and 27 others like this.”).

        Liked by 2 people

    1. I am torn between excitement that this is back and gnashing my teeth because like the new Cosmos, it is going to take some real effort on my part if we are going to see it.

      How I long for the days of yore, when you could get by with just an analog TV and programmable VCR…..

      I know I am old-fashioned, but it seems a bit much to have to pay every month to get online, and then have to watch an ad before you can view content (yeah, I know the explanation, doesn’t mean I have to like it).

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  13. And may I just comment on that picture of the banana (WHERE did you find that, Dale?) : EEWWWWWWW.

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    1. Dr. Kyle sent it to him, of course, BiR. He is a real person, you know.

      Side note to MIG – I replied to your comment about me, but it ended up in the wrong place…it’s hard to figure out where to put my replies.

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  14. For what it’s worth, I’m no fan of this new format either. Besides the “jerky” scrolling (and lots of it), it’s difficult to figure out where the replies belong. I do like the “Like” button and the font, but not that narrower format. Also, on the previous format you could tell before clicking in to the actual blog how many people had responded. Now you have to enter the blog in order to see if anyone has responded since you last checked the blog.

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  15. OT Just watched what for me was an amazing movie called “The Station Agent.” A simple movie simply about people and friendship.

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    1. lets start a media watch chunk where recommendations can get plugged in with an analysis. music shows books plays movies etc…
      media encyclopedia?

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  16. OT: Watched the third “Cosmos” tonight – I like this – never saw the original. Does anyone who’s seen both know: is it covering similar or different topics?

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