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A Brief Pressing

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Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden.

Hey Mr. C.,

I thought it was pretty cool the other day when that kid from New York who got accepted into all eight Ivy League colleges held a press conference at his school to announce that he had chosen Yale.

That’s a pretty awesome decision.

I don’t mean the decision about going to Yale. Ho hum to that. I mean deciding to have a PRESS CONFERENCE at your SCHOOL!  And one that real reporters would actually come to!

Amazing!

It got us talking in 5th hour Life Skills about what it takes to get attention from journalists and how each of us would handle the pressure if we knew we had to face the press.

Mr. Boozenporn said the key is to know your message and state it clearly. And take only a few questions – the minimum needed to give the impression that you care about what the press wants to know, which of course you DON’T.

You want to make them think you’re being open, you hope they swallow your bull, and then you go home.

Then he assigned us to write a two sentence opening statement for a press conference that could be about anything we want – world issues, personal statements, the weather, etc. And to make it as much like the real thing as possible, we had to get up and read our statement while a guy from the A/V department set off strobe lights and then our classmates got to shout angry questions at us for one minute.  

It was pretty cool.

Here are some of the statements kids came up with.

“I called you all here to confess that the rumors are true. I have been rejected by all eight Ivy League schools and have decided to attend Hamburger U. in the fall.”

“After an in-depth review of electronic records, I have decided I am going to un-friend Derek for the fifth, and final, time. If he tells you we are still ‘friends’, you will know he is a liar, which is something I have known all along but I have only recently decided to believe 24/7, rather than only every once in a while.”

“I have called the world’s press together to announce that I, too, have decided to put a ring in my nose, because piercing is our generation’s way of expression our unique individuality. And besides, everyone’s doing it.”

I’m surprised at how nervous I got when it came time for me to make my statement. But I swallowed hard, got up there, looked into the lights and said this:

“I called this press conference today to publicly challenge Alicia Erickson to a date, at a time and place yet to be determined, and under the rules of the Geneva Convention. I will name a delegation to negotiate the details with her representatives during tomorrow’s second hour study hall, where I have spent the last eight months staring at the back of her head, wishing she would turn around and speak to me.”

Well you can imagine that I got a lot of questions after that about what makes me think somebody as cool as Alicia would go out with me (nothing) and what do the Geneva Conventions have to do with dating (lots), but I said as little as possible and then sat down.

When Alicia got up and gave her press statement ten minutes later it was about pesticides, so I was happy she didn’t include anything about my date challenge in that. But she did look at me a couple of times and she might have smiled once, so I’m feeling pretty hopeful about it.

Your Pal,
Bubby

What is your two-line opening statement?

55 thoughts on “A Brief Pressing”

  1. I just released my latest album call “Manaus Where Two River Meet” April 30th 2014. If you go to my web page http://www.swo8.wordpress.com you should be able to sample the music. It takes place in Brazil except for the Oremus Blues and the Winter Blues. Have a listen and hope you enjoy.

    Leslie

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    1. Nice try Leslie. One of the most difficult things to do with any kind of press event is to get the media to listen to your music or read your book!

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      1. You got that right. It’s a closed network. I’ll just pester everyone until I hear it on the radio. No way to shut me up.
        Leslie

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  3. Good morning. I am calling for an end to empty news stories. Could those of you who write cute stories that have almost no content please stop doing that?

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      1. Will have to give Jim a pass on the “good morning”. Politeness is a virtue but it usually doesn’t impress reporters!

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  4. My state senator came out yesterday in opposition to awarding bonus incentives to state employees who owe taxes
    I want to know if that means he is in favor of rapists and terrorists receiving bonus money prof he thinks this is less objectionable than tax debt

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  6. Hi everyone–
    Been trying to keep up the past week; welcome back Jacque and welcome home tim.

    Bubby, good try!
    I see a lot of relationships in various stages of development at the college. Good luck with your challenge.

    What I have learned about press conferences is you need to offer food in order to get the media to attend.

    I have no statement at this time.

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  8. I just want to remind all Twin Cities baboons that we’re scheduled to meet tomorrow at 1 PM at the American Swedish Institute. Hope to see you there.

    Liked by 2 people

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  9. I have asked you here today to announce a moratorium on conspicuous consumerism. I have the basement and closets all cleaned out of 25 years of accumulation, and this house will never be allowed to revert back into a storage shed.

    Liked by 1 person

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  13. I’ve called you all here today to see if something can be done about the condition of the bathrooms and kitchen here. You will find nontoxic cleaning products and cleaning rags in all of those rooms; when you’ve finished, please put the dirty rags in that laundry basket over there and meet in the kitchen for homemade chocolate fudge cookies (with dried cherries and amaretto).

    (inspired by BiR)

    (two sentences)

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  14. I’ve asked you here today to defend the use of semicolons; there are times when no other punctuation serves quite as well; therefore it is my belief that liberal use of the semicolon will advance the cause of communication in a manner that cannot be fulfilled by a mere period, comma, hyphen, or elipsis. Ladies and gentlemen, although the term “cheating” has been applied, it is unwarranted defamation; the semicolon is indeed indispensible.

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    3. shes asked you here today to defend the use of semicolons there are times when no other punctuation serves her quite as well therefore it is her belief that liberal use of the semicolon will advance the cause of communication in a manner that cannot be fulfilled by a mere period comma hyphen or elipsis
      ladies and gentlemen although the term “cheating” has been applied it is unwarranted defamation the semicolon is indeed indispensible in her humble opinion i personally think is a crock of poppycock

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  15. I have gathered you all here to inform you that a hazmat team has been deployed to assess and clear the back yard. A clearer picture is now available of the months of willful dumping by the local canine community, allowing the yard to be cleared of all hazardous materials.

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  16. Be it hereby made clear to all, gathered here in assemblage for said purpose of through spoken words gather the import of my statement to the duly authorized members of the fifth estate: my first sentence shall consist of one main clause only, without benefit of coordinating conjunction and/or semicolons, embracing, as per usual, a subjective half as well as equal portion of the predicative requirements, although subordinating conjunctions may be used to properly, perhaps not clearly, add other elements of connective intelligence, which will be useful for the understanding of said gathered assemblage in their distributive purposes, which it is expected, but only with diminished hope, without altercation of the inherent meaning of what I shall hereby announce to the best of my ability with the effective elements of the English language as derived from the mother country, with American alterations to that original source of our shared method of verbal communication, in the ensuing second sentence.
    I have nothing to say.

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  18. OT. Well, the Teenager may roll her eyes at what a complete geek her mother is, but when I got home from taking her back to school tonight, I found William Shakespeare’s Star Wars wrapped up for me – the perfect “May the Fourth” be with you gift!

    Obi-wan:
    Mos Eisley spaceport. Never shalt thou find
    A hive more rank and wretched, aye, and fill’d
    With villainy.

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  19. When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

    The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.

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