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Ask Dr. Babooner

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Dear Dr. Babooner,

Almost 20 years ago I had a prolonged fling with a powerful married man. I was silly and he was foolish and it got into the press (because he was kind of important) and it almost cost him his job. But he survived the scandal and is still taken seriously today.

I, however, was mocked and scorned and I lost all the jobs that I might have had – ever. The only real employment I could get from that moment on was in the global punchline industry. As the unpaid butt of a billion jokes, I heard my name mentioned everywhere as I saw my once-promising future become bimbo-ized. So rather than hide and weep I went on TV to talk about it with Barbara Walters and sat for interviews so someone could write a book on the whole incident from my point of view.

Then I tried to make handbags for a living and when that didn’t work out, I hosted a reality show but people were only interested in the much more dramatic reality show I had lived through. So I didn’t say much for a long time, hoping it would all blow over. But now I’m back and guess what? Nothing has changed! People are acting like I’ve never talked about it at all and that I’ve been in hiding all this time, even though I’ve been desperately trying to get attention for something (anything!) else.

In spite of it all, I’m still ‘that girl’ even though I’m 40 years old!

I can see clearly now how things will go unless I’m somehow able to re-write the end of my story. But how can I do that? Should I change my name? Should I do a total makeover and move to Madagascar? But disappearing won’t do anything to salvage my name, and of course politics is completely out of the question.

Please, Dr. Babooner, point me in a direction that will head me out of this eternal dead-end!

Sincerely,
Saucy Beret

I told Saucy Beret she is completely out of luck if she hopes to write this “shameful episode” out of her someday obituary, because as a somewhat famous person her obituary is already partly written and it’s in there for keeps! Her only hope is to minimize the dalliance with an outsized, separate accomplishment of some significant sort. I recommend finding a cure for cancer, which would not only give her something to talk about besides her youthful indiscretions, it would also tangentially benefit a few other people she’s never even met!

Short of that, her only option is to grin and bear it.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

25 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Babooner”

  1. I recommend a jaunty fedora, a masculine counterpoint to your tainted lady reputation, but yet with a certain laid-back ease. Says you are middle management yet comfortable with it. Then quit being a wrapper and become a rapper with rapport,

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  2. Good morning. SB, just move on. Try not to dwell too much on what happened to you that made you famous or is it infamous. Find something to do that has nothing to do with your famous fling. Look for ways to live a normal life as much as possible. I think you will find there are people who are willing to more or less set aside what you did that gained you so much attention and are willing to relate to you as they would to any ordinary person.

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  3. Saucy, for starters, you say you’re 40 like that is a bad thing. Get over it and be glad you’re alive and healthy.

    Repeat the following mantra “how can I help others?”

    If you still like politics perhaps you could volunteer in an extremely low-profile way on the campaign of some promising female candidate. Maybe not a woman running for President.

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  4. I think your best bet is obscurity, Saucy. Get married, get fat, get banal and you will drop off the media radar screen. Aren’t your folks rich? Surely they can help you find an unwed doctor who would get a kick out of dating someone who has almost had sex with Bill Clinton, although I wonder how exclusive that club is. You could try online dating. Let your advertisement page show you in a beret and blue dress. You can say, “I am not without skills (hint, hint!)” You are the perfect wife for a lot of guys.

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  5. Rise and Shine Baboons!

    Dear SB–You did find yourself on the wrong side of history, didn’t you? So many women have found themselves in this position after a fling with a powerful guy. Never a good idea. Relationships with married men go nowhere. This guy already had a tough track record when you met him.

    Advice? OK–Change your last name to Lewis, given that your name is so recognizable, then start to create a serious track record. Nellie Bly lived in an institution for the insane and wrote about it. That has been over 125 years and we are still talking about it. Do something serious to be taken seriously. Let us know what you have learned–if anything. Then remember–it is not all about you.

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  7. Morning all. I agree with MiG and Steve. As long as you keep trying to one-up your bad mistake, you just keep reminding everybody about it. Lay low, do some good for somebody who has real tragedy in their life and quit worrying about it. If people ask you about your past, just give a little laugh and say “Oh, I can barely remember that long ago.”

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  8. There are so many Mae West quotes I want to enter here!
    A select few:
    -“Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present”

    -“There are no good girls gone wrong – just bad girls found out.”

    -“I wrote the story myself. It’s about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.”

    -“Ladies who play with fire must remember that smoke gets in their eyes.”

    SB, you’re not going to avoid this. You may as well embrace it! A modern Mae West. 🙂

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  9. Dear SB, life really isn’t fair, is it? Poor you, stuck with a reputation that you earned for a youthful transgression twenty years ago. Looking on the bright side, it did get you out of a life of relative obscurity for your fifteen minutes of fame. An interview with Barbara Walters, wow, what more could you ask for in a lifetime?

    I really don’t have any advice for you, I have plenty of youthful transgressions of my own that I’d rather forget about. I’ve been fortunate enough that none of them have played out on international TV.

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  11. OT. If you haven’t received an email from me in the last couple of days and are interested in the baboon farewell for our own Homeless in St. Paul, drop me a line. shelikins at Hotmail. I’m currently counting up who is available which day (17 or 18).

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    1. I had a student named Beret, the seventh of seven wonderful kids. I could not talk her into making the beret her trademark, and on her it would have been charming.

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  14. I just don’t know what to say to SB – wear a tee shirt or a sandwich board that says “What was I thinking” or “I was clueless when I was young” ?

    Find a really good therapist or life coach who lets you figure out who YOU are, without all the baggage – what you want to accomplish in your life from here on out. If you have to change your name, to do what you truly want, then do it.

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  15. My advice? Just give it up, you’re going to never do anything worthwhile, you will never get respect, your life is a waste. But there is lots of garbage that can be recycled, maybe your life can be recycled and something new can be created out of the garbage.

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  16. I guess my post didn’t post
    I meant to suggest that saucy beret start a cigar company
    My son did this for his entrepreneur class and had a great time
    It might work

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