Today’s post comes from notorious pirate and Skipper of the Muskellunge, Captain Billy.
Ahoy!
Me an’ me boys had our interest piqued when we learned about th’ Anonymous Rich Person (A.R.P.) what’s hiding money all around San Francisco.
It appears this here moneybags is entertainin’ his or herself by leavin’ clues via Twitter so as t’ guide enterprisin’ strangers t’ secret caches of loot. An’ people is signin’ up fer duty by th’ thousands, happy t’ spend hours playin’ hide an’ go seek fer th’ aforementioned A.R.P.’s dollars.
Since we is primarily in the everyday business of searchin’ fer riches everywhere, all me pirates on board th’ Muskellunge had somethin’ t’ say about this unusual situation.
“Harmless fun,” said me First Mate, Gimpy.
“They’s playin’ at pirates!” said me forward watch, One Eye Pete.
“They’ll never look under the meatloaf,” said th’ cook, Scrambled Leg Peg.
Nobody seen nothin’ suspicious in this here money hidin’ scheme – they seen it as just a good bit of entertainment fer th’ bored landlubbers.
But that’s because they ain’t Captain of this here ship! As Captain, I’m well aware of what it takes t’ secure the loyalty of fickle followers. An’ that’s why I suspects this here is a clandestine bid t’ buy an’ keep th’ allegiance of San Franciscans, an’ beyond them, th’ world!
An’ who, you may ask, would operate such a dastardly scheme? I thinks th’ culprit is obvious, an’ he’s hidin’ in plain sight. I respectfully draws yer attention t’ th’ discussion we had mere weeks ago regardin’ th’ mysterious whereabouts of Putin’s Gold.
Aye! Th’ A.R.P. is none other than Russian National Skipper Vladimir Putin!
Nonsense? No, I say! Think!
Putin is reviled all over th’ world. His wealth is under attack by powerful nations an’ monetary agencies that has th’ wherewithal t’ freeze it fer good. If you was bent on world domination an’ had one last chance t’ spend yer dough before it got seized, what would ya do?
Use it t’ buy followers, of course!
An’ when it comes t’ hearts an’ minds, no one is more open t’ conversion by way of dollars than th’ American people. So as Obama’s approval numbers drop, Putin will win new sympathizers with every clue he tweets. Who knows, he could wind up wi’ real political clout, or at least a guest shot on Dancin’ W’ Th’ Stars. But I don’t have any doubt he’s usin’ strategically placed sums to buy his way t’ respectability an’ influence.
An’ there’s nothin’ more American than that!
Yer suspicious pal,
Capt. Billy
What would it take to buy your loyalty?
Trail Baboon 
Right now, my loyalty can be had for a six-pack of Diet Dr. Pepper. Not to be found here in Romania…
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what diet soda do they have in romania joe? try amereto and club soda. not totally diet but the taste is the same
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Coke Zero, Diet Coke, Pepsi Light. Club soda is for getting stains out of clothes! I’m surviving on beer. It’s not diet, but it is caffeine free and vegetarian. And thankfully, full of alcohol.
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Just think of the wonderful opportunity you have to change your lifestyle and not drink soda anymore. It is all poison, you know.
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Well, yes, sodas are poison. But Diet Dr. Pepper and A & W Diet Cream Soda are nectars of the Gods.
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Joe, if you can’t get Diet Dr. Pepper then I guess Caffeine Free Diet Dr. Pepper is out of the question????
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Actually, that is what I drink back home. But here, that’s a pipe dream. There IS Diet Dr. Pepper in Romania, but it is in Bucharest, which is about an 8 hour drive from here…
In London, Diet Dr. Pepper is sold as Dr. Pepper Zero.
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Wish I could help you out tjere, Joe. I’d miss the stuff too. I suppose cola beverages are available in abundance?
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Coke, Pepsi, and some generic stuff in the supermarket I’m not going anywhere near…
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What my loyalty requires is a friend who’s not passive/aggressive but forthright and honest with me even when it may hurt me. Also, someone who will drop everything to drive me to the hospital and will check on my cats while I’m absent.
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Good morning. I still don’t have my computer system fixed so this will be quick. I agree with CB. A person that is a dependable and good friend.
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good luck with the computer. you know how to do system restore to take your computer back a week or two before the virus infected the current stuff?
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reward points for free miles on my airline frequent fliers works, free cokes at the gas station, compiling goodies for my repeated buying habits is a good thing. my kids are loyal my siblings mixed, my politicians usually but sometimes to the wrong side. my us congressman is 100% loyal to the polls. i saw yesterday the loyalty to the tea party has fallen off 43% in the last couple of years. whack jobs go in and out of fashion as do their loyalists. it will be interesting to see what michele bachmann will do with her fame in post government mode. do you think fox 9 will hire her as a local expert. i dont think the cbs affiliate will make any offers. you can be pretty sure the spots on a horse dont change. the transformation of uncle normy coleman when the democrats seemed doomed to runner up status when money is all tha mattered in the height of the republican rebirth and reinvention, when normy switched his loyalty he was welcomed with open arms into the ranks of the secret handshake of the ” we figured out by poll whats right club” and that was enough to raise him to he top of the heap until the swing loyalists figured out he was all fluff. at that point its hard to backpeddal and claim alliance to the ones he dissed last week. loyalty is easy if you will sell your soul. a little more difficult with integrity.
i did discover you can buy your own free coke with the 20 cents a gallon difference between superamerica and costco and my loyalty switched to the new partner in lifes mission to do whats right
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I am also fond of my “frequent” status – but mostly for gas and the hardware store!
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Reduced gas prices by buying drugs and food at Cub. They had my loyalty before since it is 1/2 mile away from our house, but what the hey.
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The promise of reduced paperwork requirements. I would follow to the ends of the earth a bonded and licensed plumber, stonemason, electrician, or cement contractor who could start immediately on all the work we need done
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Some days all it takes to buy my loyalty is a darn good doughnut. The rest of the time it’s basically quality products at a fair price made and sold with integrity.
Chris in Owatonna
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i love the kevin kling minnesota sound bite that goes” i aint spending no dollar on a doughnut that tastes mostly like dough” my jessie ventura imatation is “vote from your boat in minnesota” you can hear him saying it while you speak minnesotan.
nothing to do with loyalty biut i a loyal in my admiration of kevin klings mind and jessies ability to make it through life without one.
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So true, tim. I love Kevin Kling’s writing. And in general, I’m “loyal” to those I hold in high esteem. I’ll buy their book, watch their movie, or donate to their cause without hesitation until they do something to lose that loyalty as a fan, I guess is what we are, even if the person isn’t an entertainer of any sort.
Chris in the big O
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Well, I know what doesn’t: coupons and loyalty cards. I have signed up for a few loyalty cards in my time, but they don’t get me into that particular store any more often than I would anyway, and I usually end up tossing them out because I haven’t used them in three years and they’re taking up valuable wallet space. I also don’t like the idea of them maybe tracking what I buy; getting those special coupons at the register is Big Brother enough for me. I know they’re tracking everything already, but why give them an extra inroad?
Being a community-based business is a better way to garner my loyalty. I always check to see if any of the local bookstores (or the libraries) have a thing before buying it at B&N (and then I often order from the locals instead). I go out of my way for local coffeehouses instead of heading straight for Caribou. When I eat out, it’s rarely at a chain, which are never all that vegan-friendly anyway. My roommate and I have started buying more of our wardrobes from thrift shops–she loves Hawaiian shirts, and you can still find some vintage ones if you’re in the right place at the right time. Sometimes local is cheaper, sometimes it’s more expensive, but it saves me trips back out to suburban big-box hell, and it’s worth it for that alone.
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Except for the gas card at Cub, which is a little thing on my key chain, when they start the pitch, I say “I won’t carry your plastic, you cannot have my zip code or phone number, you cannot have my email. If you make me jump through hoops to get your best price, I will shop elsewhere.” The problem is as they all know that elsewhere will keep asking too or there is no elsewhere. One reason we do the gas card is that we can spend several hundred dollars a month on drugs, which goes on gas reduction, too.
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the Beatles say it best:
I am, however, terribly susceptible to guilt. If you can make me feel guilty enough about it, I will do whatever you ask.
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Perhaps Captain Billy and the boys need to sail to the Black Sea and search for Putin gold there near Ukraine?
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Doesn’t Ukraine already have enough trouble?
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Food, food, glorious food. Make a home-cooked meal for me. Good chocolate, good ice cream. Homemade rhubarb bread pudding works. BBC has my loyalty, because even if I don’t like the book, or don’t read it, the food and conversation is always good.
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make that “the food and conversation ARE always good.”
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Got a recipe for that rhubarb bread pudding? I will cheerfully make it if you tell me how.
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Bill makes it. I’m pretty sure they gave me the recipe; I’ll look for it.
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i am that ABD – don’t know why it calls me Anonymous when I signed in.
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I am now in possession of said recipe, thanks to Bill. I will see what I can do by next BBC.
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Bill brought it to Steve’s Farewell Party, but I sure wouldn’t mind eating it again!
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Morning all. I’m admitting it out loud… I’m loyal to Bachmans. The store, not the woman!!!
Many many years ago, in the midst of my marriage breakup, during the holiday season, I decided to go get a tree at Bachmans, which is fairly close to me. (The backstory here is the my wasbund was/is beyond frugal and there were some interesting tree purchases over the years of the marriage). It felt decadent but I was feeling sorry for myself.
It was a Sunday morning and it was very quiet on the outdoor lot at Bachmans. Two young men, who clearly would do anything to relieve their boredome, eagerly showed me tree and tree, standing them up an spinning them around. After I chose one, they tied to the car for me (another first… Mr. Frugal didn’t believe in going to places where they “charged more because they give you services you don’t need”). It was a beautiful tree and as I was taking it into the house, it started to snow. I’ve always remembered that great service and I still get that great service to this day. Yes, I know I pay more for that service, but its a price I’m willing to pay!
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Wow that was a long way to say “good service” buys my loyalty!
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I always like the storied version.
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I will pay more for something things because I know that salesman and I have his cell phone number. And when things go down some evening or Sunday morning I know they’ll help. And I’m willing to pay for that too.
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Morning–
Good service; absolutely. And a REAL LIFE person answering the phone will go a long way. 🙂
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Wait a minute, I guess it works both ways but I think I mean real ‘LIVE’ person.
I learn to talk pretty one day….
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good luck on getting a real person on the phone, Ben.
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My mom used to say: “It’s just as easy to love a wealthy man as it is to love a poor one.” She didn’t mention that a wealthier one might be harder to find. I managed to marry two poor ones, but I promise you, there won’t be a third one of either stripe.
Loyalty is earned not bought. Treat me with dignity and respect, give me the best professional service and value, and I’ll keep coming back. Don’t need no coupons, discounts or questionnaire’s every time I’ve been to your place of business, I’ll let you know if something isn’t done to my satisfaction, or if I think you’ve done an outstanding job. That goes for the garage where I get my car serviced, the salon where I get my hair cut, and my dentist’s office. My dentist’s office was recently taken over by some larger entity, and their marketing staff seem to think that I need to fill out a survey every time I’ve had my teeth cleaned! I’ve told them: “Stop it or I’ll go elsewhere.”
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talking like a pirate and walking like an egyptian gets me every time
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Be a small enough place that you remember who I am (like the family-owned restaurant that we often meet my mother at for dinner – the manager always asks how my job is going because he remembers when I didn’t have work…he also asks Miss S what she is up to in school and loves to put up whatever art she creates while we are there). Respect my intelligence and ability to understand – if you are a repair person or workman, explain to me what you are going to do or have done (I know what I know of the inner workings of cars because my repair guys explain what they have done to my car, what the gizmo does that they replaced, etc.). Treat me fairly – Macy’s furniture has lost my business forever because I walked through their store twice without even being asked if I needed help, even though they were asking others, I’m guessing because I didn’t have on the “high end” clothes other customers were clearly wearing (I have no need to display Christian Dior’s label all over myself to advertise my wealth and Dior’s brand, thankyouverymuch). And chocolate helps.
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What you say about repair people goes double for medical personnel. Our little clinic has my loyalty forever, because they treat me like an intelligent human being.
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Which clinic do you go to, mig, I’m shopping for a new doctor at the moment.
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Parkway Family Physicians. 3 docs and a nurse practitioner independent of all the big systems. Every specialist they have referred us to has been good too (especially the obs, sainted saviors of the awesome brain of the s&h).
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I know of only one locally-owned non-bar eating place in Kato, oops maybe three. The chains have wiped out about every other local retail. A couple clothing stores. Is sad. I have to cheer for B & N to survive for
us to have a book store. B & n is about in the grave nationally.
Now the hwy department, a crew of powerful uncaring idiots, is closing down the main access to most of the shopping here, starting Monday. The two streets near us are both major detour routes. They have to detour several streets as well as Hwy 22. They are closing the main access to a large and popular strip mall. Several businesses doubt they will survive. It will last for 6 months at least. Six months of mess and accidents. Millions and millions of dollars wasted to put in stupid roundabouts. My heavens it gets dumb some times.
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Our cats have shifted their loyalty from us to my father. All it took was the occasional, purposely dropped drip of ice cream and constant talking to them on his part. Now they follow him all over the house.
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Bet he is a more available provider of attention too. Good for your cats, providing companionship and letting your dad know he is appreciated.
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He has taken to eating ice cream in the guest bedroom with the door closed because the cats swarm him if he eats in their presence.
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Well, who wouldn’t?
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Hey, that sounds good to me: occasional ice cream (preferably more than drips) and talking with me (assuming the conversation is two-way not just one person talking TO me).
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True creativity earns my loyalty. Although now and then something diverts my attention…and then… ooh…shiny.
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