Here Comes The Sun

Today’s post comes from Congressman Loomis Beechly, representing Minnesota’s 9th District – all the water surface area in the state.

Greetings, Constituents,

I’m deeply alarmed, as I’m sure you are, about news of the latest unprovoked and senseless attack to be launched in such a careless way it could have had serious repercussions for a great many people.

No, I’m not talking about any of the missiles flying back and forth between Israel and Gaza, although of course those are very bad too.

I’m talking about a brazen attempt by our own Sun to take us out .

Information just released by NASA reveals that this sneak attack was so clandestine we’re just figuring out that it happened two summers ago. Fortunately this reckless “solar storm” was poorly timed and flew past planet Earth a week too late – otherwise it would have played havoc with our power grid and destroyed our electrical devices to the tune of 2 trillion dollars.

And as you know, our electrical devices are our very soul.  Not to mention 98% of our memories!

Because I have been in Congress for a while, I know that my colleagues will not let this stand, especially in an election year. I also know that no legislation can pass without an aggressive, vindictive edge.  No doubt within days there will be calls for our weakling President to fire back at the Sun so it doesn’t get the idea that it can wantonly eject supercharged particles in our direction.

I’ve decided this situation calls for an “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” strategy. It is essential that we respond to this attack – otherwise the Sun will see us as weak and ineffective.

To paraphrase Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association, “The only thing that stops a bad ray from the sun is a good guy with another, different, American sun.”

And because I believe I will lose in November if I don’t paraphrase Wayne LaPierre, I propose we embark on a crash program right now – a Kennedy-style moon-shot challenge – to build our own version of the Sun that can shoot back at the terrorist orb we orbit.

Expensive? Of course. Security is always pricey, but maybe it will cost more to do nothing. Let’s say it will!

Fortunately, America has a lot of coal that is increasingly controversial right now because burning it in our power plants fouls the air. My “American Sun” bill will lift that coal into space, where we can burn it outside the atmosphere and use it to fuel our own, better, friendlier version of this legendary “Chariot of Fire” that has so recently been converted into a terrorist threat.

No doubt there are so-called “scientists” who will say defeatist things like “you can’t burn coal in space” and will claim that the sun is an inanimate object that can’t be intimidated.

But I say “find a way to make it work.” Because even if the sun does not back down, there will be economic benefits. With so many nations turning to solar power (I’m looking at you, Germany!), having an American sun in space will put us on top as a global energy supplier. We can position our sun on the dark side of planet, giving us half of every day to get the rest of Earth hooked on American coal powered light.

But how will we pay?

Again, I have taken a hard look at the votes in Congress and I see that there is little support for taking the money from anywhere except poor people and undocumented immigrant children.

I know we are sending these kids back across the border as fast as we can, but can’t we empty their pockets first? Someday they will thank us if we can use their pocket change to build a Counter-Sun to prevent the destruction of the computers and video games these wanna-be Americans hope to someday be able to play secretly at the desk jobs they dream of stealing from people who were born on our soil!

In short, my plan is our only hope. It is expensive, audacious, militaristic, and unscientific (in a good way!). I believe it has the votes to pass. And just to be sure that it does – it also repeals Obamacare!

Aggressively,
Your Congressman,
Loomis Beechly

What would you do if no electrical devices worked. For a year?

38 thoughts on “Here Comes The Sun”

  1. Good morning. A year without electrical devices would be hard to imagine because they are such an important part of our lives. Actually, many people lived without electricity in this country less than 100 years ago. My father was raised in a part of rural Wisconsin that did not have electricity. Of course, my father’s family had gas lamps, wood burning stoves and other things needed to run a household without electricity. I would have trouble doing the same as they did because I have almost none of the things they had that allowed them to do without electricity.

    I do have a small gas powered electric generator. I would to need buy a lot of gas to keep it running for a year. The generator would only give me a very limited supply of electricity. I guess I could get by with the small amount of power the generator would supply. There wouldn’t be much light in the house at night. I would be able to get some heat from our gas fire place. I think I would be doing a lot of shopping for things that don’t need electricity to power them. Stuff like that would, no doubt, be in short supply.

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    1. Jim retread the question.
      It’s not electricity that’s missing. Only the devices.
      I remember a while back football went on strike and my Sundays were free. I like baseball and basketball golf and some other sorts but Sundays get football plugged into the schedule for sure. With open afternoons yard work painting the trim working on my kids homework and other little things I otherwise would have procrastinated on would have gotten shuffled in a different way or skipped altogether . If devices went away I would have to do something other than check my emails my. 4 email accounts and my stores and to do lists with ideas on what needs to be done from now until 3 years after I’m dead . I would have to do something. Too bad it’s not happening anytime soon

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      1. Actually you’re both kinda right. The NASA statement suggests that devices that run on electricity would be disabled, and the technology that produces electricity would also be compromised. And electricity touches our lives in ways we never think of. Here’s a quote: “Most people wouldn’t even be able to flush their toilet because urban water supplies largely rely on electric pumps.” Gads!

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  2. I do believe when the bad guys come to destroy America all they will have you do is screw up our wifi and phone coverage . No one can function without it and when it’s broken all you can think of to do is call or text or email the powers that be to get it back up again then you remember you don’t have access and no one knows what to do instead. Land line?…. How do they work agsin? Pay phone ? They took them all away . We will forget what to do next because our alarms don’t tell us it’s time to go shop for groceries .

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    1. Perhaps. And with our current surveillance techniques, we are teaching “the bad guys” how to operate without cell phones since they can’t safely use them and hope to keep their plotting secret.

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  3. Oy, Dale, this one is brilliant. Congressman Beechly, you have gone places here I never thought even you were capable of.

    If I have enough lead time, I’d get all my contacts’ home addresses so I could contact them through (gasp) the US Postal Service. Although without electronic devices, sorting mail even by zip code is going to be a challenge – will probably require hiring more people, which may require more post office buildings… see where this is leading? More jobs!

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    1. Rep. Beechly has never actually proposed legislation before (that I can recall). I think at least Rep. Louie Gohmert would sign on as a co-sponsor with Beechly if, once our coal-powered American sun is up and running, we could destroy the terrorist sun that keeps taking shots at us.

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  4. I would spend more time looking at the stars. No city lights = better able to see the stars.

    And perhaps I would get a job at the post office. Good benefits there.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I would definitely begin working on plans for a wind/water powered energy storage and output device. Connected to a ‘Ham’ radio of course. Then, I would re-connect (conveniently) with all my Y2Ker friends and tell them “I believe, I believe!”

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  6. How about having an open door policy for all undocumented peoples for one year, then seal the borders and grant every person in the U.S. citizenship. Tell the rest of the world you have one year to get in.

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  7. Not a question I care to think about at length. I have an electric medical device that helps protect me from infection. If the device were unavailable to me there is a good chance I would end up hospitalized and need an IV antibiotic drip, and since those devices are also dependent on electricity or battery backup – which would likely be in high demand and short supply – I don’t much like my odds of surviving the year. Cable TV or computer I could certainly survive without.

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      1. There would, of course, be millions of other people in more immediate danger than I’d be. Power to the hospitals first, please, as they are no longer able to function without it. Many hospitals and clinics, if pressed, can’t even produce a manual blood pressure cuff. If they had one, staff would need training on how to use it.

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  8. More jobs at the post office would be good because the first thing I would probably need to do is look for a job. Working at a place that primarily sells electronic devices and things that require electricity to function might be dicey in a Land Where No Devices Work for a Year.

    If it is primarily a question of a lack of electricity, there is this handy map that can help you figure out if you can harness the violent power of the sun (my house – not so much…though maybe I could rent roof space from the liquor store behind me): http://maps.umn.edu/solar/

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  9. My work load would triple, I am sure, as there would be lots of distraught parents who would have to contend with children who had lost their main form of entertainment. Parents would actually have to parent, and many wouldn’t have a clue how to do it. I also bet that reading and math test scores would skyrocket.

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