Today’s post comes from professional alarmist Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.
At ease civillians!
Relax but keep an eye on the sky, because I know we have had words in the past about my nemesis, lightning.
This past week, we received some hair-raising news – climate change may well hike the frequency of lightning strikes on our planet.
I know you are thinking several things right now that might disarm my urgent message. Let’s take them in order:
- “Lightning isn’t a big threat to me right now. Two times zero is still zero.”
Shame on you for using math to diminish a safety problem! That’s like saying there’s little chance you’ll get Ebola if you don’t come in contact with someone who has it. That’s the kind of reasoning that suppresses fear, which is the only tool nature gives us in the never-ending battle against unlikely calamities. If I did that, I’d be out of work today. And don’t forget The Human Lightning Rod, Roy Sullivan! If we apply math to his story, the number of personal strikes goes from 7 to more than 10!
- The research says lightning will increase 50% by the year 2100. I’ll be dead by then, so who cares?
Your “dead by then” argument is simply wishful thinking. Scientists are constantly finding ways to extend life spans. And if you make it to the year 2100, you’ll likely be in a wheelchair, which is made out of metal – a conductor! And … if you DON’T make it to 2100, you’ll most likely be in the ground, which is where lightning hits! Frankenstein’s monster thought he was safe on a “being dead” exemption – until lightning struck!
- Lightning is troubling, but I have more immediate concerns.
That’s what lightning WANTS you to think.
- Lightning has no thoughts or desires.
That means you can’t reason or bargain with it. You find THAT comforting?
Friends, there is no doubt in my mind we will experience more lightning in our future.
- Buy a sturdy pair of rubber-soled shoes.
- Sell your golf clubs.
- Keep doors and windows closed in a rainstorm.
- Learn to bathe away from pipes and all plumbing.
Yours in Safety, B.S.O.R.
What are you doing to prepare for the future?