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Ask Dr. Babooner

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We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I’m a huge fan of birds – and I love them all equally with just a few exceptions. And even though I won’t speak ill of any feathered creature, it’s clear to me that just like humans, some birds are able to get by solely on their looks.

The Bald Eagle, for example. It has a striking profile but really, just about any other bird would have been a better national emblem. I’d wager the titmouse would be on our money instead of that self-important white-headed slob if not for the unfortunate setback of an unusually meek-sounding name.

Good looks do not always (or ever!) translate into good personal qualities. But if you have to judge on looks alone, it’s the minor details that make the greatest difference. Nice hair and an impressive physique don’t say as much as the simple sincerity of a smile. Though they are all reprobates, one bald eagle might be slightly nicer than another, but how can we tell? That’s why I have often said that birds would be better off if they had lips and teeth, rather than those non-expressive beaks!

People tell me this is a weird thought.

But now it turns out scientists have been able to identify the moment in evolution when birds got stuck with beaks instead of teeth. Yes, it was that close – in the fundamental make-up of some ancestor a handful of genes were misplaced and suddenly it’s goodbye molars – put it on my bill!

This has made me keenly aware of the importance of hanging on to all my most inconsequential parts and finding a daily use for everything I was born with, lest those features be lost forever. And I admit it has required some gymnastics on my part and my wife insists that I wait until she is out of the house before I do the exercises that utilize my coccyx and my (male) nipples, but I think I’m serving mankind by trying to keep these endangered features in the DNA mix.

Dr. Babooner, people say I’m daft but I hope to have the last laugh. If laughing survives that long!

Sincerely,
Trait Protector

I told T.P. it’s pointless to fight evolution and the thought of birds with lips and teeth is not only weird, it’s creepy. His obsession with all this is admirable, but ultimately in a multi-tasking world such one-mindedness is yet another trait we will eventually learn to do without.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

49 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Babooner”

  1. I think that trait protector has chosen an odd facet of life to focus on but then again haven’t we all?
    people into music and art think their focus is noble. those who research and appreciate literature and history are an interesting group who is revered.
    people who choose body parts as their focus find a fascination with science in the present tense and the choice of trait protector to exercise his coccyx, eye ball parts and gall bladder are to be commended. I wonder a bit about hair growth and the excretion of body castoffs like mucus earwax and acne but have my true interests lie in how to sharpen the senses of touch taste smell sight and hearing which get used every day but paid attention to almost never.
    I am glad that there are people focusing on the evolution of male nipples so I don’t have to. it is covered by someone who cares.
    I will do my research on taste, touch and aromas while absorbing the sights and sounds around me all the while taking my appendix completely for granted.

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    2. I thought for a moment that Eraserhead guy was the one who did away with avian teeth in the first place. But Daffy sprouted them again! Perhaps he is the true missing link.

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  3. I’m with tim this morning. If it keeps him off the streets, TP can obsess about whatever he wants. These days I’m obsessing on how to survive living with a college student.

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    1. I have found this is the age when they go out in the world and discover other ways of doing things. in a couple more years they discover other peoples weird ways of dealing with stuff are just different than my weird ways of dealing with stuff, I am familiar and while there are other ways, mine are the ones that seem like old friends in an odd world of other people dysfunctional approaches at lifes little challenges. if only they were just like me.

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    2. After going on at length about all her hard classes and tests and papers and such, Daughter asked me by text last week if we couldn’t please, please, please get a puppy for Christmas. I told her no, of course. I understand the mercurial nature of college students. You have my sympathy.

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      2. Seems like a pretty outrageous plea given that you’re the one who’d have to take full time care of it while she’s at college, even then moving back in with after college while trying to find an apartment that will even allow dogs.

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        1. She doesn’t seem to think that far ahead. She just wants the idea of a puppy, not the reality of a puppy.

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  4. BBC Update. Next meeting will be Sunday, February 8 at Caroline’s. 2 p.m. Oil & Honey by McKibben and The Beekeeper’s Apprentice by Laurie King.

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  5. Good morning. Trait Protector, what is it that you do with your coccyx and your male nipples to make sure these traits are not lost? I think you would need to get other people to also do the same as you do to increase the chances of these traits not being lost. Then, the people who do what you do to keep those traits from being lost would need to have an advantage that increases their survival rate and their rate of reproduction. Have you thought about that, Trait Protector?

    By the way, if what you do to save male nipples and your coccyx from being lost drives your wife out of the house, you have problem. Actions that drive females away from males will decrease the reproductive rate of the males who do those things. I think whatever it is you do with your male nipples and your coccyx might decrease the changes of these traits staying around instead of increasing their probability of continuing on as human traits.

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    1. Jim, I admire the way you’ve thought through the consequences of this strange activity. If only everyone were so deliberate!

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  8. Trait Protector, what are your thoughts on the kind work done at Genway by Dr.Kyle? He might be able to do some work on making sure none of those traits you want to save are not lost. As soon as any of them start to fade he could find a way to bring them back to full strength. You don’t need to do anything to keep those traits aound. Just check in with Dr.Kyle from time to time and he will make sure you don’t lose any of them.

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  9. I think our little toes are slowly moving up our legs like a dog.
    I have no use for my anatomical snuff box.
    Our fingerprints were rather useless until electronic pads.
    Why is there a part of our body we cannot scratch (i.e.. the center of our back).
    Other than to hang odd bits in it, why the ear lobe?

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    2. How about fish then? After all, they too have eyes. l can still recall watching our father murdering poor helpless fish flapping around unable to do whatever fish do to breath.

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  11. OT message to Krista-Today we sold my parents’ condo to the mother of your friend TJ. His mom is my mom’s first cousin. It is nice to think of the place staying in the family!

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  12. There is no predicting where Dale’s mind is going to take these ideas! Once again, well done, Dale!

    What if it turns out that it’s the single-minded ones that prevail? I have a feeling the advantages of all this multi-tasking is going to be short-lived – think of stepping off the curb while looking at your cell phone…

    And I’ll keep my plica semilunaris, thank you, and my arrector pili – they both help me know I’m awake. The rest of them can go, although the one that digests cellulose could come in handy in a post apocalyptic world.

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    1. You may keep them, BiR. I’m amused that the arrector pilli are described as muscles that make hairs stand on end so we’ll look bigger and more threatening to predators. Who among us in 2014 really needs or wants to look bigger? I’d like to have some tiny muscles to pull the follicles IN.

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      2. I have an acquaintance who is a bear expert and when a bear comes at you you should look as big as you can and spread you arms and elbows t make t look like you are taking all te space you can. like the hair standing up on a dogs back or a turkey fluffing his feathers

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  13. l don’t know whether it’d be better for our majestic national bird to have teeth or, minus teeth, to use their beaks to tear apart live prey piece by piece. l’ve witnessed such grisly events and been mortified how they first tear the skin or de feather their prey before eating a hapless animal while still alive. lt was, needless to say, a very unpleasant experience for me.

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  15. Pingback: Unruffled & Unhurried | Trail Baboon

  20. Hello all – a day late and a dollar short but I spent 20 hours out of the last 48 protecting male coccyxes (coccyx?) and nipples. They’re all fine, of course. I’m the one who might go extinct! Very funny today!

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