Carnival Town

We are ALL Dr. Babooner

Dear Dr. Babooner,

We are ALL Dr. Babooner
We are ALL Dr. Babooner

I suffer from a litte-known, not-well-understood condition called Atariphobia, which is an unsupported-by-facts but nonetheless pervasive fear of invaders from space.

Consequently, I find myself constantly scanning the sky for signs of flying saucers.

In addition, I am a practicing Orsonist. As followers of the late actor/director Orson Welles, we Orsonists assume that in every case the most dramatic explanation is automatically the one that’s most likely to be true.


Welles is known for the classic 1938 “War of the Worlds” radio broadcast,  which convinced too many people that Earth was under attack.  As a result, smoldering craters of every kind give me the creeps. When our family went to visit Yellowstone National Park, I stayed in the hotel room the entire time, sobbing.

In spite of these debilitating conditions, I am usually able to lead a typical life. But there’s a blog I follow where the writer often talks about how beautiful our planet looks from space, and he sometimes posts things like this video:

When I look at this, I’m terrified.

Compared to the barren, dead worlds we see elsewhere in our solar system (Mars!) and others we’re discovering throughout the galaxy, our place has a distinct ‘open for business’ look that makes me extremely uneasy.

It’s a swirly, spinning, sparkly gem set against a black background, with inexplicably vivid highlights, like the intermittent green glow of those northern lights – a feature that simply begs to be investigated.

If you were a space alien searching for a fun place to land or a bright bauble to tear apart, ours appears to be the only game in town. Why wouldn’t you come here?

I’m usually not too political, but I called my Congressman to urge her to do something. I thought maybe she could offer legislation to wrap the world in a drab,frumpy bag, dressing it down in the same way a beautiful woman de-emphasizes her best features to discourage unwanted attention.

The congressional aide I spoke with told me the Republican leadership is already doing everything it can to uglify the world through climate change denial. He used the incessant western drought as an example.

“California,” he explained, “is already looking a lot like Uranus.”

But I could hear stifled laughter on the other end of the line. I don’t think they took me very seriously.

Dr. Babooner, people are so willing to mock those who are even a little bit unconventional. How can I get them to consider the real risk posed by our planet’s obvious invade-able-ness?

I.M. Wary

I told I.M.W. there is not much one person can do to make the world seem uninviting to outsiders. And when it comes to putting a potential crisis on the popular agenda, one must wait one’s turn. As a people, we respond to risk when the danger is imminent and our possible responses are limited.  In other words, we will only act when it is too late to act.  But as an Orsonist, I’m sure you’re already well aware that the world will accept no whine before its time.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

16 thoughts on “Carnival Town”

  1. Good morning. Earth might look good from space. Up close there are plenty of not so good looking things. I will not go into detail about the unsightly things. No need to do that. We all know enough about them.

    If invaders from space have any brains, I think they would think twice about coming here. They might decide that although earth looks good from a distance, it is not very attractive in a number of ways when closely examined. I. M. Wary, I don’t like to be so negative. However, I think Earth might not be as attractive as you think to space invaders if they get a close look.


  2. Dear I.M:
    Persuade people to view the historical documents and extend the broadcast of those into deepest space. Focus especial attention on AMC.

    Who would want to invade a place inhabited by zombies (Walking Dead), meth manufacturers (Breaking Bad), ad men (Mad Men) and shyster lawyers (Better Call Saul).
    [Trying to explain TV to the Thermians]
    Gwen DeMarco: They’re not ALL “historical documents.” Surely, you don’t think Gilligan’s Island is a…
    [All the Thermians moan in despair]
    Mathesar: Those poor people.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. the first thing i think of is what if we put mit romeny in charge of the campaign. i think the extra terestrials could see through his mock sincerity without fully understanding the earth culture wholly.

    you could speed up the process by adding karl rove and george w to the mix, i heard tim pawlenty speak a couple of weeks ago and he no longer feels the need to hold back on poppycock he shied away from when he could be held accountable for the words that came to him form on high.
    he posed many threats to earths well being but most were from outside the gop.
    i think if you are going to fear something it is handy if you can make it something you can do nothing about. ignore and deny the ones you can fix but dont want to and steer the focus to the universal boogie man. heck those guys dont even vote in this planets elections. they must be suspect.


  4. Of all the things I worry about, space invaders are pretty damn far down the list. But if they did show up, it would be easy to get rid of them. All we’d need to do is shake their hands and maybe kiss them on the mouth. Because aliens from outer space haven’t evolved with all the pestilence we live with daily on this planet, they will quickly sicken and keel over. That’s a proven strategy; it got rid of almost all the “Indians” inconveniently living here when Europeans showed up.


  5. Sit ’em down with a 10-year-old and a shared Minecraft set up. They will become so involved in setting up an 8-bit virtual world they will forget what it was they intended to do here. Feed them a steady diet of squeezable applesauce, chocolate milk and marshmallow Peeps – they will eventually see that this is not a planet worth bothering about…and then they will go back to their Minecraft dog and avoiding Enderman.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. reminds me of a birthday party the s&h went to back in the day care days. He came home with a dazed look on his face and said, “mom, there was nothing but sugar….” I think he just kept drinking water the rest of the day.

      Liked by 3 people

  6. I hate to be the Debbie downer here, but any species with enough technology to get here would probably have the technology to eradicate us from space before we even knew they were there. And they could probably terra-form away any damage that we’ve caused. So I say “heads in the sand” is our best bet when worrying about aliens!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’m quite sure there are aliens among us already. There must be. How else do you explain Kim Jong Un, or the Kardashians? Just try to ignore them. Maybe they will eventually go away.

    Liked by 1 person

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