Category Archives: Fantasy

Alternative Histories

The holidays brought me a nice cache of giftcards so yesterday I had a “gift card day”.  Dunkin for breakfast on the way to knee therapy.  Blicks Art Supply.  Barnes & Noble.  Taco Bell.  A great day.

I spent about an hour wandering around Barnes & Noble.  As a dedicated library patron, I have to admit that I haven’t been inside a bookstore since last year when Jacque’s sister was signing her latest book at Once Upon a Crime.  Nothing against bookstores but my pocketbook prefers the library system.

Anyway…  as I was checking everything out, I found two tables that had various history books piled up.  I’m assuming that B&N stores get table recommendations from headquarters with a few title suggestions but that most of the books are picked for display by store employees.  (That’s how it was back in my day in the bookstore.)  The history tables had the look of employees having a bunch of fun.  History of the World in Twelve Shipwrecks, History of America in Ten Expeditions, History of the World in Six Glasses.   Clearly this is a trend and it reminded me of a couple of titles I’ve read – A History of the World in 100 Objects and Orchid Muse: History of Obsession in Fifteen Flowers100 Objects started as a BBC radio series – I stumbled upon in once it was published in book form.  It looks at objects from all over the world, from as long ago as 2 million years.  It was absolutely fascinating.  Orchid Muse was a book I read last year as part of my Rivers & Ridges Book Festival experience.  The author was at the festival so I got to hear her speak – a lot of extra little details that weren’t in the book. 

I didn’t realize that history in a set number of lessons was a thing but if you do a quick internet search, you can find a glut of these books.  47 Borders, 50 Books, 50 Failures, 12 Maps, 500 Walks, 50 Lies.  I could go on but this is enough and it makes me wonder if authors are starting out to do a “number of things” or if they have an area of interest and publishers/agents push them in that direction?

Any other suggestions for “History of the World in”…….?

Artificial What?

(Header photo by Word Press’ Artificial Intelligence, version 3 !)

My summer Padawan is always telling me “I asked Chat GPT about…”

I just can’t get over that. He’s asking a computer for relationship advice. I guess it’s faster than asking Ann Landers… And then he tells me he likes it because it’s giving him the answers he wants to hear. Well of course it is! I am just so astounded that he’s taking relationship advice from this thing…and because he’s asking it ‘why doesn’t she love me’ questions, of course it gives him reasons she’ll come back. I told him to ask it ‘Why won’t this girl leave me alone’ and see what it says? I get the typical teenage “Yeah, but!” answers from him. 

Man, am I glad I’m not 19 anymore! Mostly.  

So I asked Chat GPT to write a blog and I gave it some pretty general guidelines; farming, theater, and teenage love. 

It did pretty good! I had to laugh, it wasn’t at all like I write, because why would it be, but it was a very nice short story of “…slipping into a classroom still smelling faintly of hay and diesel that makes you feel both out of place and perfectly rooted at the same time.” 

Then boy meets girl, they go to a show, and, “ We slipped into seats near the front, shoulders brushing, her laughter lighting up the dim room like a sparkler. I couldn’t tell you much about the plot of the play—something about family, love, mistakes—but I remember how she leaned in during the quiet moments and how the stage lights reflected in her eyes.” 

Oh my gosh. I’m gonna start asking this for sweet nothings to whisper in Kelly’s ears! 

So I refined the request a few more times. I asked for more humor and less metaphors. I hate metaphors like a hole in my head. 

It gave me this: 

Being nineteen and in a relationship during winter in Southeast Minnesota is a test that should earn college credit. The farm turns into a frozen obstacle course, the wind rearranges your face, and every chore takes twice as long because everything metal turns into a hand-freezing punishment device. Romance does not thrive in these conditions.

My girlfriend says we need to “communicate more,” which is hard to do when the chickens start yelling at dawn and demand full attention. She thinks the chickens respond better to her voice, which is true only because she gives them treats and I hand them feed like a government-issued ration. She insists this is evidence of my lack of warmth. I insist it is evidence that chickens are extortionists.

The grain farm does not help our relationship. Every time we plan a date, something breaks. This week it was the old tractor. The tractor has the personality of a stubborn old man who refuses to stand up without complaining first. I spent three hours crawling under it, dropping tools, and discovering new ways to swear. She sat nearby on a bale of straw, scrolling through her phone, occasionally offering advice that made sense only if the tractor responded to positive energy.

The real villain of December is Christmas music. The month starts, and suddenly every speaker in existence blasts nonstop jingles. She says it “puts her in the spirit.” It puts me in a state of irritation that could power the whole farm. The worst part is that she sings along. She sings loudly. She sings off-key. She claims my dislike of holiday music is a sign of emotional instability. I claim her playlist is a threat to public safety. This topic has caused more arguments than the chickens, the tractor, and the weather combined.

But we’re nineteen, so we keep trying. Some evenings we sit in the shop, surrounded by tools, feathers drifting around, both of us exhausted. She talks about her day. I talk about which piece of machinery betrayed me. Sometimes she laughs at my tractor stories. Sometimes I almost tolerate her humming.

Our relationship may not be smooth, but we are still standing, even in January temperatures, even with demanding chickens, even with that cursed playlist. And honestly, surviving December together might be proof we’re tougher than we thought.

Not bad. But I want to know why there are feathers in the shop?? Are the chickens living in the shop or did I drag that many feathers in there on my clothing?? Sometimes walking around the college and I’ll find a dry chunk of “dirt” in the hallway with a chicken feather sticking out of it. Yeah, that’s probably mine. But how did the computer know that?

THINK ABOUT AUTOMATION IN YOUR LIFE. WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE NEVER EXPECTED? 

ASK AI (OR ANN LANDERS), TO WRITE SOMETHING. 

Steve Slew a Dragon

Thanksgiving will always be a day during which I stop at least once to think about Steve, who we lost in 2021.  Steve was the first baboon that I met in person; I’ve read all his books; I remember his horror when he realized he had fed me something with chicken stock.  I still miss him on the trail.  Here is another of his posts, one of my favorites from April of 2021.

A friend and I used to discuss troublesome issues in our lives. We called them our “dragons.” Dragons are problems can only be dispatched with exceptional effort and resolve.

Few problems qualify as dragons, which is good. Most of us handle routine problems with routine efficiency.  Alas, some problems are a lot nastier or complicated than others.  Some of us have anxieties that prevent us from addressing certain issues forthrightly. Sometimes problems become entangled with side issues. Throw some procrastination into the mix, and what could have been a baby problem might grow up and begin belching enough fire to qualify as a dragon.

Examples? You don’t gain street cred as a dragon killer for beating a head cold, but beating cancer will earn you respect with anyone. Overcoming any addiction would surely count. The friend referenced in my opening paragraph slew a dangerous dragon when she escaped a marriage that was destroying her soul. From what I’ve read, the nastiest dragon Barack Obama faced down in his two terms as president might have been nicotine.

My most recent dragon should have been no big deal. Last September my computer emitted an electronic scream, seized and died. I had expected that. Computers typically remain healthy and functional for five to ten years. My fifteen-year-old computer was clearly living on borrowed time. I had prepared by backing my data files, although I could not back my applications.

I bought a replacement computer loaded with Microsoft’s Office, a choice forced on me because that is the only way I could get Word, the word processing app I’ve used for thirty-four years. Office costs $70. That is probably reasonable, although it irked me to pay for a suite of ten programs just to get the one program I use. But Microsoft enjoys something like a total monopoly on basic Windows business software.

Microsoft inserts a feature in the Office software that causes it to shut down unless users can prove that they have paid for it. To validate my purchase, I peeled back a piece of tape that covered the confirmation code. The tape ripped the cardboard beneath it, destroying the middle six numbers of a code of about twenty numbers. As it was designed to do, my software soon froze rock solid. I could not create new documents nor could I edit the many files already on my hard drive. Every time I turned on my computer, a niggling message from Microsoft reminded me I had not validated the purchase. As if I could forget!

Worse, there was no way I could contact Microsoft. The company recently eliminated its customer service office. Microsoft now directs customers with problems to some internet data banks that supposedly answer all questions. Of course, the data banks say nothing about what to do when the company’s own security tape destroys a validation number. I learned there are many businesses claiming they can help customers struggling with Microsoft apps. Those businesses didn’t want to talk to me until I shared my contact information or subscribed to their services. Then I’d learn again that my particular problem could not be resolved by anyone outside Microsoft. And nobody inside Microsoft would speak to me.

Over a span of seven months I spent many wretched hours dialing numbers and writing email pleas for help. The shop that sold the computer to me clucked sympathetically but told me to take my complaints to Microsoft. Members of a group called “the Microsoft community” kept telling me it would be easy to fix this issue, but none of them could provide a phone number that worked. While I could have purchased the software again for another $70, the rank injustice of that was more than I could bear.

I finally learned about a set of business applications called LibreOffice, the top-rated free alternative to Office. It is open source software, free to everyone. But people who put their faith in free software often get burned, for “free” often just means that the true price is hidden. I worried that this software would not allow me to edit all the documents I’ve created over thirty-four years of writing with Word. And—silly, silly me—I kept hoping I could find one friendly person in Microsoft who would thaw my frozen software. So I dithered for weeks.

Last week I took a deep breath and downloaded LibreOffice. It loaded like a dream. LibreOffice’s word processor, “Writer,” is friendly and intuitive. Ironically, I like it quite a bit better than Word. With it I can edit all my old Word documents, and I used the new software to write this post.

That particular dragon is dead, kaput and forever out of my life. Other dragons await my attention, malodorous tendrils of smoke curling up out their nostrils. I did not triumph over Microsoft, as that smug firm never even knew it had a conflict with me. Still, I celebrate the way this all ended. When we slay a dragon, the most significant accomplishment might be that we, however briefly, have triumphed over our personal limitations.

Any dragons in your past that you wouldn’t mind mentioning?

What She Said…

At a funeral in September, the father of my deceased friend came over to talk to the rest of us from her book club.  He was proud of how intelligent she had been and how much she had loved reading.  He surprised us by asking us each if we had a favorite book and what character would we like to be in that book.  At the time I answered A Christmas Carol, which I read every December and that I would like to be Mrs. Cratchit.  She was considered a good person but wasn’t a doormat.  This is my favorite quote from her “I wish I had him here.  I’d give him a piece of my mind to feast upon, and I hope he’d have a good appetite for it.”

But I’ve had a couple of months and I have a couple more.  I always admired Helen Burns, the little friend of Jane Eyre who dies from mistreatment at the “school”.  “It is not violence that best overcomes hate – nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.”  Good words for our current times.

While The Martian is one of my favorite books of all time, I wouldn’t want to be Mark (the main character).  A little too distressing for me.  I want to be Melissa Lewis, the captain of the mission, who turns around when they’re almost back to Earth when they find out that Mark is still alive.  “All right team, stay in sight of each other.  Let’s make NASA proud today..”   Even though I’m sure she got court-martialed when they all got back home, even after saving Mark. 

I’m not sure which character in Wrinkle in Time I would want to be but my favorite quote is early on in the book when Meg’s mother says “But you see, Meg, just because we don’t understand doesn’t mean that the explanation doesn’t exist.”  My hero Neil deGrasse Tyson has said something very similar.

Do you have a character you’d like to be?  Or a good quote from a book you like?

Way Back Monsters

If you were at the Blevins Book Club on Sunday, then you knew this was coming. 

I found an annotated copy of Frankenstein which among a ton of other information, included a list of all the Frankenstein (and quasi-Frankenstein) movies.  You all know I can’t keep away from something like that.

Of the first three Frankenstein films, only the first one from 1910 has survived.  It’s a short and is interesting because the “creation” is not made by putting body pieces together but by pouring a bunch of chemicals into a big vat and then heating it up.  For 1910, it’s actually some very interesting visual effects.  (It’s about 13 minutes long so it’s easy to satisfy your curiosity on YouTube, but too long to post here.)

The monster is an interesting blend of clown, yeti, caveman and monster from the black lagoon and doesn’t actually kill anyone before he seems to repent his very nature and “disappears” into the big mirror in Victor’s study.  But the pantywaist nature of Victor was spot-on.  See the monster and fling yourself out of the room and fall prostrate on the bed.  Monster comes into the room – fall prostrate on the floor.  Next time you see the monster, fall back prostrate in your chair.  The film maker clearly got that part of the book right.

Anyway, the next two films, Without a Soul (1915) and Il Mostro di Frankenstein (1921) have been lost and not much is known about them. The plot of Without a Soul included a dream sequence in which the doctor lives the Frankenstein story fairly closely, but then he wakes up.  The only thing really known about Il Mostro is that many consider it the first Italian horror film.

That’s it up until Universal came up with their massive laboratory, lightning technology and green, neck-bolted creature in 1931.  Which they promptly copyrighted, even going so far as to sue someone planning some kind of Without a Soul re-make.  

There are supposedly some references/appearances of the monster in two films by Sidney Lanfield in 1936 but I’m not willing to watch One in a Million or Sing, Baby, Sing again. 

Have you seen any Frankenstein movies?  Any favorites?

When the Moon Hits Your Eye..

If  you don’t like this post – it’s Jacque’s fault!

As those of you in Blevins know, I sometimes like to bring something for the potluck that aligns somehow with one of the books we’ve read or is a favorite of the author.  Walter Mosley got espresso chocolate brownies.  Louise Penny got miniature croissants with chocolate sauce on the side.  For the book Broken for You by Stephanie Kallos I was very pleased with my cupcakes adorned with shards of “glass” – made by melting Jolly Rancher candies and then breaking it up into sharp-looking pieces.

This month I was in the mood to do something fun but wasn’t sure what to make.  I didn’t think I’d get an answer in time from John Scalzi about his favorite food and I figured the only way I would find out about Mary Shelley’s favorite would be if she communicated from beyond the grave.  Not my cup of tea.

I decided that moon pies would be fun, except that all the commercially available moon pies have gelatin in them- that’s why I haven’t had a moon pie since I was a kid.  So I headed to the internet and found a relatively straightforward recipe using marshmallow cream.  Marshmallow cream is easy to make but purchasing a jar of marshmallow cream from the grocery store is even easier.  I made the graham biscuit dough, rolled it out, cut it with a crimped cutter and baked.  That turned out to be the easy part.  Marshmallow cream is incredibly futzy to work with.  First I tried to pipe it from a pastry bag, but getting the cream into the bag was just about impossible and having a star piping tip was worthless as the cream settled into a star-less blob anyway.  I abandoned the bag and just used a spatula but at this point had cream all over.  I had to put the sandwiches in the freezer for a bit and then I started the chocolate.  I was really having trouble just dipping the whole cookie so I switched to icing the top and the sides with a spatula instead.  I had chocolate EVERYWHERE (think both hands, handle to the double boiler, the counter, spoon, the spatula, the floor….).  I had to use my teeth to pull up my sleeves at one point.  There’s something to be said about having stuff made in factories with enrobing machines:

But in the end, it was very satisfying to make them and they turned out to taste great… quite rich so if I ever try this again, I’ll make them smaller.  Of course, we’ll have to read another book about the moon!

Tell me about a favorite book and what food you would bring to represent it to a potluck!

Optical Illusions

Earlier this week I thought of this song as I watched our dog navigate the space in our new home:

How much is that dog in the credenza?

The one with the beard that is grey.

How much is that dog in the credenza?

Why won’t he come out and play?

Kyrill hasn’t had much opportunity to look into mirrors until now. We had this curio cabinet with a mirror that we kept in the basement in our old house. The new house has more space upstairs, and we could move the cabinet upstairs. Kyrill saw the dog in the mirror, wagged his tail at it, and spent much of a day peering into it. He really loves playing with other dogs and wanted the dog to come out.

Kyrill’s breeder told me that his show Ceskys love to parade back and forth in front of hotel room mirrors. I wonder if they know that it is them or think it is some other dog?

What are your favorite optical illusions? How have your pets reacted to mirrors?

I’m Blooming Nuts

Once, when YA was about five, she didn’t want to turn off the light in her bedroom – her reasoning being that she didn’t want her stuffed animals (a prodigious crowd) to be worried in the dark. 

I couldn’t really give her grief about it.  After all, she comes by this stuffy empathy honestly – she gets it from me.  I was quite active in the naming of all her stuffed critters and gave in to her desire to anthropomorphize them big time.  Heck I once carried my stuffed javelina Henrietta in my carry-on bag because it didn’t feel right to close into the suitcase!

It shouldn’t surprise you then to know that I am having a little trouble dumping my flowering baskets this fall.  I usually plant the baskets on Mother’s Day – sometimes a few days before or after depending on the weather.  Then when the blooms fall, I stack up the deceased baskets alongside the garage in the back of the yard.

Here’s the problem; it’s been a full six months and five of the fifteen baskets still have flowers on them!  I’ve been moving the baskets around, taking the empty shepherds pole away and storing them in the garage.  With the temperature below zero more than a few nights now, I was worried about being able to wrench the poles out of frozen ground.  But I just couldn’t bring myself to stack the baskets with flowers in the back.

So I set the baskets on the back steps (see the photo above).  The last basket is on the front steps, which is where its shepherds pole stood all summer.  Since it won’t be above freezing even during the day for a few days, I’m guessing the flowers are making their last hurrah but at least they will be making that hurrah on the back steps, being appreciated whenever I open the back door!

Are you irrational about anything?

Prince Who?

On Tuesday we talked about trick-or-treaters and Bill mentioned that he and Robin also ask kids about their costumes.  I assume that most all adults do this.  It’s a low-level way to make a short connection.

One of my last little groups consisted of a girl in a pink princess dress and a boy in some kind of princely attire.  Knowing that I would never see these kids again and knowing that they won’t care a whit about whether I’m crazy or not, I started a conversation:

Me:  What a great costume.  Are you the Count of Monte Cristo? (knowing full well this kids wouldn’t know what I was talking about.)
Count:  No, I’m Prince Philip
Me:  Oh, from Sleeping Beauty.
Count:  No from Maleficent.
Me:  Silence for a bit.
Me:  (turning to the girl)  Are you a princess?
Count:  She’s Sleeping Beauty
Me:  more silence
Me:  Here we go (handing out the candy)

While I was perfectly willing to be silly about the Count of Monte Cristo, I didn’t think I needed to get into an argument on my front steps with kids about Prince Philip trick-or-treating with Sleeping Beauty but not knowing they were in the same story.

Tell me about a costume you wore as a child (Halloween, school play, whatever…)

 

Old Modern Art

Eighty-five years ago last week, four teenagers accidentally changed not only the trajectories of their lives, but history as well.  While hiking near Montignac, France, the four boys stumbled upon caves with a collection of cave paintings unlike anything ever seen.  The paintings, known as the Lascaux cave paintings have been dated from 15,000 to 17,000 years back and turned the art world on its ear, proving that Stone Age peoples were artists and biographers.

The four boys ended up on different paths.  Two of the boys were Jewish and shortly after the discovery, one boy was sent to Buchenwald with his family and the second boy ended up being hidden by a Jewish Children’s aid organization.  The other two boys, who were from Montignac, guarded the cave over the first winter and eventually became tour guides of the famous caves and paintings.  In fact, it was the two of them that noticed the condensation in the caves causing algae and mold growth.  It was at this point that France closed the caves to the public to protect them from as much outside environment as possible.  The cave paintings have been meticulously copied and can be viewed in a replica of the caves – Lascaux IV – part of the Lascaux historical center.

The two Jewish boys survived WWII and Buchenwald; all four lived into old age and were re-united in 1986.  The last to pass was Simon Coencas, who died in 2020 at the age of 93. 

The paintings were obviously modern art at the time they were created, but at 15,000 years of age, I doubt they qualify any longer.  I have a few pieces of modern art but I also lean toward more classical representational art.  Impressionism is a favorite and I am fond of a lot of sculpture.  I particularly love this one that resides here in the Minneapolis Institute of Arts:

If you could go back in time and discover something, what would it be?