Category Archives: Uncategorized

Uncategorized

Wheel of Misfortune

34 Comments

Today’s post is a letter to the editor.

To the Editor:

I was insulted by your recent article that sings the praises of what you called a “Human Hamster Wheel“, portraying it as a reasonable and even groundbreaking advance over the standard office desk.

I shouldn’t need to tell you that the term “Hamster Wheel” is offensive to all Rodent Americans, as it is often used in a belittling fashion, hand-in-hand with descriptions of futile, frenetic, and strangely comic activities. But it may come as a surprise to you that we hamsters do not relish pointless work and we get no joy from the kind of running that leads to no real change in location.

Our main concern, especially in the wild, is survival.

And in the name of that cause, no motion is wasted. If you saw me hoarding seeds and nuts you would realize that I work hard. Why do you think I stuff my cheeks so full?  Saves on steps, that’s why!  I can carry more snacks back to my burrow.

But efficiency is not what you would expect if your only image of us is of a creature running nowhere on a squeaky treadmill.

Humans, on the other hand, are famous effort wasters. You  relish creating multiple systems that require a lot of activity from hopeful participants in the name of creating something meaningful but instead these bright ideas yield no tangible results.

The smug looking man in the video appears to be very satisfied with himself for being inside a rotating circle.

For hamsters, it is just the opposite. When you see us running on the inside of a metal wheel, we are enraged! And the fact that you stand around and laugh at us while we do it is infuriating.

So don’t tarnish our reputations by putting the name “Hamster” on this  endless “circle of frustration.”

It’s a human invention, pure and simple.  So why don’t you just call it “Congress”?

Sincerely,
A. Hamster

 

Name something that is mis-named.  

Uncategorized

Gilt By Association

26 Comments

Today’s post comes from marketing genius and idea man Spin Williams, who is always in residence at The Meeting That Never Ends.

Somebody asked me the other day why it’s so hard to solve the problem of poverty, and the thought that came to mind immediately was this – “There’s no money in it.”

And isn’t that obvious? I mean, if we could find a way for people who already have a lot of money to make a profit out of ending poverty, it would be gone overnight!

I brought this brainstorm up to my colleagues at The Meeting That Never Ends, and everyone agreed it would be pretty great if we could get even richer by un-poorifying chronically impoverished people. Unfortunately, we couldn’t think of a way to do it that didn’t involve us just handing them bundles of cash, which would make us feel like chumps and cut into our profit margins pretty severely.

Then somebody brought up this article from the New York Times that talks about the benefits of early intervention in child rearing. Apparently “everybody knows” this is the right thing to do.

The writer, Nicholas Kristof, had an interesting suggestion –

We wish more donors would endow not just professorships but also the jobs of nurses who visit at-risk parents; we wish tycoons would seek naming opportunities not only at concert halls and museum wings but also in nursery schools.

That last one really caught fire at The Meeting.

The idea seems to be that helping young children thrive would be a great PR move for rich people, a notion we would endorse if tycoons wanted great publicity. But I know my tycoons, and when it comes to slapping their name on things, it’s not publicity they’re after, it’s immortality! So the nursery schools they named would have to be stadium-sized, or as tall as skyscrapers.

Then we thought – what if we could match up some black-hearted corporations that really NEED a little shimmer of do-gooder gold on their surface with the people who empower very young children?

So we Googled two lists – one of creative preschool names and another that named U.S. Defense Contractors, and  started to mix and match.  Suddenly the puzzle pieces fell into place! Look for some of these great new institutions to pop up soon!

  • Alliant Techsystems Journey School
  • Halliburton Baby Stars
  • Cradle to Ceradyne
  • Just For Kids Pinnacle Armor Preschool
  • Peter Pan Man Tech Early Learning Center
  • Navistar R Kids
  • Concurrent Technologies Country Day School
  • Raytheon Pumpkin Patch
  • Hybricon Toddler House
  • First Steps General Dynamics Whee!

I love the sound of it.

Not only do these institutions come off as  incredibly advanced, they’ll look great on that first line of your resume. Assuming you want to blow things up for a living!

See? Marketing solves problems!

Your pal,
Spin

What’s the most impressive school on your resume?

Uncategorized

Control Issues

49 Comments

Today’s post comes from Bathtub Safety Officer Rafferty.

At ease, Civilians!

Be at ease but be cautious whenever someone else offers to do the driving, especially when that “someone else” is a machine!

Yes, I admit I’m alarmed at the progress Google is making with its Autonomous Car Program.  Why?  It won’t be long before you will be able to buy an automobile that will drive itself to wherever you’re going – regardless of whether you intend to go there or not.

What do I worry about when I imagine our driverless car future? Everything, of course! But mostly, it’s the loss of control.

And here’s another thing that keeps me up at night – Americans who ride around in autonomous cars will eventually forget how to drive. It’s inevitable, because anything that is not practiced withers away. Think of it – when the autopilot switches off, we will suddenly discover that we have lost the talent and the ability to safely operate automobiles.

In other words, it’ll be just like today, only more so!

The downsides here are so many and so negative, I hardly know where to begin!

The upside? Suspense novelists will have a new way to commit murder – cruel geniuses will be able to hack the on board computer of dispensable characters and drive the poor unfortunates off a cliff from poolside using an iPad.

Cue the evil laugh!

And once this starts happening in books, it’s only a matter of time before it’s in your neighborhood, and then in your driveway. Good God, get out! That menacing phone call is coming from inside your own garage!

Stay worried,
B.S.O.R.

The autonomous car is coming. Will you be strong enough to resist?

Uncategorized

Ask Dr. Babooner

37 Comments

We are ALL Dr. Babooner.

Dear Dr. Babooner,

While I was on an extended trip overseas, I found out that the people back in my home country are suffering from the widespread outbreak of a terrible, fatal disease. My boss asked me to come back immediately to face Ebola with the rest of my countrymen, but since I am not a doctor and can’t do much personally to halt an epidemic, and because I am, like most people, primarily interested in self-preservation and do not see myself as much of a hero, I declined.

When my boss found out I had done this, he fired me immediately..

As you might imagine, I have mixed feelings.

While no one appreciates being fired, the fact that I no longer have a job back home is just another great incentive for me to stay far away from the disease. However, that also means I have to find a new job in this new land full of perplexing rules and beguiling opportunities that look a lot better at a distance than they do up close.

As I go out job hunting, I’m uncertain how much to tell prospective employers about my situation. Sometimes, if you have even a tangential relationship with sickness, it can become a problem for people. For instance, I have some American friends who know the entire story. They’re very supportive, but they won’t come to my house.

One friend told me in all seriousness (via e-mail) that the word “Ebola” should never appear in a cover letter.

Ever.

She says any association with the word leads non-infected people to exhibit strange behavior, like putting on gas masks even though you’ve never been near anyone with the disease and it can’t be transmitted through the air anyway.

“Better,” she says, “to remain quiet and let them figure it out AFTER you’ve been hired.

I’m sure she has a point, but I worry that if I don’t mention “fleeing from Ebola” as one of the reasons I have not gone home, I am only telling part of my story. And if I purposely omit any mention of the epidemic from my resume, then I don’t have a good explanation about why I’m still here. I have a feeling that could come back to haunt me later on.

Dr. Babooner, I’m conflicted. Should I put the whole story out there, including my decision to flee from Ebola, or should I be cagey and say I’m here on an extended visa because my aunt is very, very sick?

Sincerely,

Connie Tagious, Outbreak, Pennsylvania.

I told Connie that honesty is always the best policy because you never have to try to remember which version of the truth you used with which person or group. And with a name like “Connie Tagious,” it is best to stay far, far away from any explanation that requires the listener to accept the idea that someone is ill.  Especially if it’s not true.  We don’t like illness, and often don’t know what to say about it. Plus, if you tell prospective employers that your aunt is sick when she’s not, that’s lying. And lying is an even more widespread epidemic than Ebola.

But that’s just one opinion. What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Uncategorized

The Scottish Ploy

43 Comments

Today’s post comes from perennial sophomore Bubby Spamden of Wendell Willkie High School.

Hey Mr. C.,

Well, school has been going for a couple of weeks now and so far no real surprises, except that Mr. Boozenporn moved his “Nations of the World” unit from January up to Right Now.

It ends with a “Nations of the World Festival” in the gym. We get assigned a country in a random drawing and we have to write a report about it, and make a display, and dress up in a traditional costume and then all the parents (well, not ALL) come on a Tuesday night and they poke around and kinda quiz you about your project while you stand there, sweating.

But I don’t worry about it too much because I’ve been a sophomore for a lot of years and I’ve done enough nations that I’m starting to get them a second time, which is really cool because you can kinda re-use your work and who’s gonna know?

Except last year I got Egypt again so I handed in the report I did back in 2005 and Mr. B gave me a “D” and held it up for the whole class to see because now they have a different president and everything else I said about Egypt was pretty much wrong too, except that they have pyramids and the Nile.

“Follow the news!” Mr. B. said. “If you don’t know the latest happenings in your country, you will get a ‘D’ for ‘don’t know anything’.”

So this year I drew Scotland.

I’ve never done Scotland before, but I took Mr. B’s advice and checked the news, and boy was I ever glad I did! It turns out they’re having a vote (today!) to decide whether or not to be an independent country. Which is funny because I thought they already were! (And so did Mr. B., I guess, because otherwise why would it be a choice?)

Doesn’t matter, though, because I feel super lucky. The way I see it, Scotland is a free pass on the “Nations of the World” assignment since the Festival is next Tuesday night.  I’m counting on Scotland to vote for independence so the festival will happen on what will only be the fifth day of existence for their country.

That means I get to make a super short report.  Maybe I could get away with just a shrug! Who coulda guessed that Scottish independence would set me free, too?

After all, it’s not like the Scottish people have history that goes much past last week, right? So it should be smooth sailing for me – nothing to worry about unlike those guys that drew places in, like, Africa. I hear some of them are going to have to wear dresses!

At least Scottish guys don’t wear silly clothes like that, just goofy, poofy hats. As far as the rest of the wardrobe, somebody told me anything with a pattern would work. Is that true?

Your pal,
Bubby

What is your greatest miscalculation?

Uncategorized

Eclectic Outpost

50 Comments

Today is the first day of the fall membership drive at the little radio station where I direct most of my time and energy these days.

KFAI Fresh Air Radio is in its 37th year and has, over the decades, been home to some of the most unusual, creative, soulful, earnest, nonsensical, transcendent and impractical radio programs ever made. There is a history buried under the worn-out carpet and hidden behind the dusty racks of obsolete technology, fondly recalled by old-timers when they sift through a program names graveyard that includes provocative titles like Little City in Space, Ideal Cafe Jukebox, Frogucci, Root of All Evil, Radio Rumpus Room, Musica Mundana, One Bubble Off Plumb and Indian Uprising. And lest you think those out-of-the-mainstream days are gone, consider some of the current programs like Strictly Butter, Fubar Omniverse, Rocket Ship Ska Trip, and Crap From The Past.

Experts say the radio business is personality-driven but there are only a few personality types permitted in commercial broadcasting, all fitting a certain vocal quality standard and each of them turning out to be a slightly different flavor of loudmouth. On KFAI you can hear shouters, sweet talkers, mumblers, whisperers and people who sit quietly in front of the microphone waiting for the sound of a needle to drop. Yes, there are still turntables. And people who walk in off the street can wind up with a show someday if they demonstrate persistence and creativity. Try that at KSTP and let me know how it works out. Twelve languages are heard on the station, and no, there are no translations. When there is an Oromo, Somali, Eritrean or Hmong program on the air you either already get it, or you sit back and enjoy the sound of the words as a form of music, which, of course, it is.

Every show host works for love and freedom of expression. Even staff members who do shows are “off the clock” when they’re on the air. The rest of the time staff supports the volunteers, who struggle mightily against the tendency of all things electronic to eventually short out, break down or freeze up. In this way the place continues to run in spite of all odds and completely against the accepted theories of what radio stations should do. Among programmers there is a passionate devotion to that oddball listener who can’t find what she wants anywhere else and doesn’t even know what that is until she hears it. And because there is very little money for traditional marketing, the audience recruitment strategy relies heavily on chance. We fill the bird feeder with seed and hope customers will wander past and have their heads turned by an exotic flavor.

As you might imagine, that approach requires a zen-like patience interspersed with moments of panic..

So I invite you to tune in, stream the audio at your desk or download the app for your smart phone and give us a chance. Fair warning, though – with most radio stations, you’ll be able to get the gist of what they’re trying to do in about ten minutes. Commercial formats are designed to transparent and easily digested. But if you really want to figure out what’s going on at KFAI, it would help to set aside a few years.

When has investing extra time in a project proven to be worth it?

Uncategorized

Head Slap Moment

51 Comments

Today’s post comes from idea man and dealmaker Spin Williams, who is always in residence at The Meeting That Never Ends.

I’m really excited to be alive today and grateful that I’ve never had a concussion!

I work primarily with my brain and my mouth. If either one becomes damaged or disabled, even for a little while, I’m out of business for sure. It’s a good thing I’ve managed to stay healthy, and an even better thing that people in corporate meetings who want to have the attention of the whole group typically don’t run at the person who’s talking, grab at the microphone with their fingernails and with pounding biceps and flailing elbows do everything in their power to claw away the PowerPoint clicker.

But of course for N.F.L. players that scenario describes what is simply another day on the job. And sometimes they pay the price for it with terribly jangled brains.

At The Meeting That Never Ends, we found these new concussion statistics appalling – and we responded by immediately doubling our bets on last Sunday’s games because it all suddenly became crystal clear what is about to happen. The key signs are there and it all adds up.

  1. The cost of providing the product is outpacing the ability of customers to pay for it.
  2. Yet fans are showing an inexplicable appreciation of on and off-field mayhem and an unshakeable loyalty to certain nicknames and color schemes.
  3. Technology is quickly developing new capabilities lead us to wonder why it’s necessary to use human labor at all.

That’s why we believe the day is drawing near when all N.F.L. games will be played by robots!

Don’t believe me? It took 10 seconds to find this compelling bit of evidence on You Tube.

Once there is a robot model that can run, jump, throw, catch, spit, swear, and pat the behinds of the other robots on the sidelines, people will be completely removed from the equation and the machines will be sent in to battle it out. In fact, we predict the N.F.L. will dress the robots in throwback gear and old-style helmets, just to humanize them a bit.

Thats why our group just bought a leather hat manufacturer!

The Coming Thing
The Coming Thing

Now we realize that some fans will resist this advance, arguing that the physiological and mental differences between individuals is what keeps the game interesting. But don’t you worry – in the world we envision, each mechanized player will still have a human operator on the sideline, or in a Star Box or someplace where we can watch them push buttons and twiddle joysticks to control their alter ego out on the field.

That way we’re convinced the N.F.L. will be able to maintain professional football’s reputation as a game played by human jackasses!

In my business, you win by figuring out how things will change just a little bit before everyone else gets it.   In this case, we at The Meeting That Never Ends were so sure we called this one correctly, we sent our mechanized avatars out on the town to have a drunken celebration!

A few of them did get arrested, but what a party!

Your foresighted fanboy,
Spin

When have you correctly predicted the future?

Uncategorized

Machine vs. Mountain

27 Comments

The Curiosity Rover has arrived at the base of Mount Sharp in the middle of the Gale Crater on the planet Mars. It has taken our intrepid contraption two Earth years to get there, but the journey will be worth it once the machine completes its mission to dig a hole and sample some foothill soil.

This is a historic meeting between a tiny piece of human technology and a massive off-world landmark, akin to the time Apollo astronaut Alan Shepard hit a golf ball into Javelin Crater on the moon.

If it is our destiny to send an expedition to the red planet, this is a memorable moment – qualified for immortality in legend and song.

If we take the time to write the legend or song, that is.

So I asked Trail Baboon poet laureate Schuyler Tyler Wyler to come up with some heroic something to mark the occasion, and he said he would only do it if he could steal “The Kalevala” from the Finns. I said I was uneasy with that, but he could certainly swipe “The Song of Hiawatha” from Longfellow if he wanted to, and a deal was struck.

By the looming Martian mountain,
in the greater reddish crater,
sat an Earthly metal Rover.
Curiosity the Rover.

Said the mountain to the roller,
“Who are you to dare approach me?
You who are a shiny tiny
pile of nuts and bolts and washers?”

“Don’t be such a self-important
feature of the Martian landscape,”
said the Rover to the mountain.
“You are nice, but no Mt. Shasta.”

Darkly, then, the mountain grumbled.
Grumbled with the voice of ages,
calling out this cheeky gizmo
with its wheels all bent and dusty.

“Who are you to dare approach me?”
called the bulge of crimson boulders
in an atmosphere so wimpy
as it loomed above the Rover

“I am but the first of many,”
said the Rover to the mountain.
“More machines and then some people.
They will make you miss me sorely.”

“People here will scale your summit.
In your valleys, they’ll go bowling.
They’ll have picnics in your meadows
leaving trash that lasts forever.”

“Aeolis Mons will not be taken
by such silly, messy Earthlings.
I’m gigantic. Did you notice?
Far too big to be diminished.”

“Aeolis Mons may be a name that
sounds to you like that’s your label
But when humans take this planet
you’ll become Mt. Sharp forever.”

“And what’s more,” said the contraption
“on this spot will be a marker
to commemorate my journey
and my name will be emblazoned
high above your rosy foothills
on a neon sign announcing
the location of a strip mall
widely known as ‘Rover Plaza’.”

Where’s your favorite historical marker?

Uncategorized

Ask Dr. Babooner – Yoga Pants Edition

68 Comments

We are ALL Dr. Babooner.

Dear Dr. Babooner,

I don’t intend to be rude, but sometimes the truth hurts.

One of the qualities that puts me on a higher level than other people is my exquisite fashion sense. I have been consistently ahead of the trend curve for at least fifteen years, starting out in the late ’90’s when I figured out the whole flashy Y2K style thing (mesh tops, box-pleated skirts, sequined pants, sparkly shoes) long before anyone else had decided to put a single rhinestone on their favorite rock band t-shirt.

When 9/11 happened and attitudes changed, but I got there first with every possible variation on distressed denim.

I did the ’80’s revival just before it went mainstream in the mid-2000’s, and dropped it while others were still popping their collars. Then I went to a full pirate thing while Johnny Depp was still figuring out how to do his eyeliner.

In short, you can’t out-trend me. That’s how good I am.

But lately I’ve had a real lack of enthusiasm when it comes to yoga pants. And this is a problem because I’ve been hearing that there’s a pants war breaking out in the aisles of some clothing stores because shoppers want Yoga Pants and Leggings instead of jeans.

Dr. Babooner, I really like my skinny-leg jeans, but the pendulum of fashion seems to be swinging in a different direction. That leaves me conflicted, because being at the leading edge of What’s Next has always been a large part my personality. So in a rational world, I would already have 20 pairs of Yoga Pants waiting to go.

But the sad truth is that Yoga Pants strike me as silly, and you really shouldn’t be seen wearing them in public, or without a cushy mat under your arm. And in any case, if I’m not wearing jeans I feel like I’m pretending to be someone else.

My fashion success has always been about getting to the Next Big Thing Before Anyone Else, and then telling people how I just beat them. But now I’m starting to think my trailblazing instinct is leading me to resist a popular trend and to tell other people they must avoid it as well if they don’t want to run the risk of falling flat on their rounded, stretchy-garbed cheeks.

Sincerely,
Clothes Hoarse

I told Clothes Hoarse it’s my impression that the Denim vs. Yoga Pants showdown is definitely ON, and if she really thinks her trailblazing fashion sense is pointing her away from it she might want to consider the alternate possibility that she is just getting old.

Old people like what they like and don’t care for the new. That’s one of the great perks of aging – you don’t have to ask yourself whether you’ll go with every new idea – the answer is almost always “NO!”, and people won’t fault you for it. That’s just the way old people are.

But that’s just one opinion.
What do YOU think, Dr. Babooner?

Uncategorized

On The iWatch Watch

44 Comments

Today’s commentary comes from disgraced former journalist Bud Buck, who is a plagiarist, a liar, a serial exaggerator and a sensationalist. But still not a bad person.

I wanted to be at Apple’s Big Reveal in Cupertino, California today, but I stayed home instead.

The tension that comes from the knowledge that Great Expectations are about to meet and totally exceed (or be completely dashed by) mundane reality is just too much for me. The next frontier is said to be “The Internet of Everything,” particularly wearable objects that seamlessly interface with your life in ways that will be extremely valuable and thoroughly indispensable in the future but at this point, they are utterly impossible to imagine.

Until after the announcement is made, that is.

I don’t have enough energy for this. Plus, I couldn’t get an invitation.

But I am exhausted from the relentless build-up and all the uninformed chatter. The Apple-obsessed Geek Army that rules our technological conversation expects to see an iWatch that is absolutely wonderful and world-altering, and as soon as the announcement is made they will stand in single file to wait for the chance to buy theirs regardless of the price or the time required to get to the head of the line.

Equally enthralled Apple followers expect to be bitterly disappointed. And in some cases these are the same people!

But for this reporter, it is not too much to wait for tomorrow, or the next day. I’m already convinced that everything will change. Either Apple will do it again, or Apple will cease to be Apple. Either way – different world.

It reminds me of the night I graduated from high school. After the ceremony in our bunting-bedecked gym, all my classmates had gone off to their celebrations but I lingered, handcuffing myself to my former locker, certain that everything I knew would soon be gone and determined to hang on to every moment for as long as I possibly could. When the fire department and police officers arrived with bolt cutters and a straight jacket, I knew I had already made the transition into a new phase of life.

So I’ve decided to spend today in quiet reflection – taking a proper amount of time to carefully observe the life that I know and love before it all disappears forever. Cradling my 2nd generation iPhone in trembling hands and shedding tears for my dumb surroundings – the washer/dryer that isn’t aware of my location via GPS, the cufflinks that don’t know my current heartbeat and blood pressure, the toothbrush that has not already downloaded a list of what I’ve eaten today, and the socks that are blissfully ignorant of what I weigh, and also what I’m supposed to weigh.

I will draw out these waning moments as long as possible, for I believe we are in the last Days of Innocence, before Everything Changes.

Time Will Tell,
Bud Buck

What new thing do you look forward to?