Here’s a word for everyone at the lake from your elected representative.
What a glorious 4th of July we had yesterday in the 9th Congressional District, which encompasses all the water surface area in Minnesota.
Thanks to all the visitors who behaved themselves and acted responsibly by boating safely and not littering or drinking too much. To the rest – we want to be welcoming but please don’t be so obnoxious the next time you visit.
This is not just a warning. It’s a way of life. We 9th districters try to be good guests when we come ashore. We put on clothes and rinse off our feet and clear our pockets of zebra mussels and Asian carp before we visit your coffee shops, museums and sporting arenas. That’s just good, considerate behavior and we expect the same from you. So don’t transfer invasive species from an infested body of water to, say, the fountain at the center of the local shopping mall. That’s careless. Check your toddlers for milfoil before you let them go splashing anywhere!
Imagine for a moment what it would mean if milfoil clogged up that nice fountain – the mall would begin to smell like a stagnant, stinking pool and people would stay away. The local economy would decline. Retailers would feel the pain. Jobs would be lost. Our government would be starved of cash due to falling tax revenue and it might be unable to finance the military and intelligence efforts we must make against outside security threats! All because someone didn’t check the cuff in little Jacob’s overalls for a hitchhiker!
And that’s not the only threat we face. Algae blooms are choking off much of the 9th district – the result of the leaching of extra fertilizer into the water. This is an ongoing problem that, if not solved, may someday lead to vast reductions in the size of the district, and perhaps it will cost me my job when the population of the 9th drops so low it can no longer support a Congressman.
Picture that if you will. A native Congressman, forced out by algae.
I realize that many people have no love for politicians, but Congressmen are mentioned in the Constitution and algae is not, so I ask you to consider – which is more American?
I’m pleading with you to cut the sources of phosphorus that feed into our waters.
If you have a lovely lakeside lawn, I recommend that you make your chemical runoff into a stay-at-home cocktail of growth promoting compounds by directing that yard sludge into a holding pond on your property. It’s yours. Keep it and use it! Who knows what sort of new and unusual biological blasphemy might emerge from the nutrient soup? You could get a Bigfoot, or a Super Turtle, or something simple like a beanstalk that stretches to the clouds! And once you have that, you are that much closer to the goose that lays the golden eggs.
And if you have livestock, please. Toilet train them. It’s that simple.
You’ll be doing the fulltime residents of the 9th district a favor. You’ll be saving the job of a constitutional officer, and you’ll be taking responsibility for something that I would otherwise have to deal with by promoting unpopular legislation. That’s a win-win-win solution (for me)!
Thank you for visiting the glorious 9th district. In any case, we want you back next year, but especially if you’re nice!
Hon. Loomis Beechly, Congressman, Minnesota 9th district.
Name your favorite body of water.